Aromantic but Sexual? - Close Family Member

[WordsAllEscaping]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone had resources on supporting and helping a family member who is aromantic but sexual? I research everything and want to understand the best that I can. We are close and I have a "protective instinct" for this person; he is somewhat younger than I am and I can be almost maternal sometimes.

I realize that this is a bit out of your realm but I am having difficulty finding unbiased information and I am wondering if anyone could help me find some resources. I imagine that although it is different (opposite almost) that their may be some knowledge here. Often those who are in a minority/have certain experiences are well versed in the wide range of what is considered a deviation from society's so-called norm. And as a heterosexual married romantic (albeit not sappy) woman, I am part of the so-called norm.

My close male family member confides in me about things he does not talk to others about. He is in his 20s and never really had a girlfriend. Not that it is particularly relevant but he has social anxiety and is on the Autism spectrum but is very high functioning.

He told me in the past that he never really wants a girlfriend. He can have some confidence issues so I thought maybe he was just being down on himself. He told me last week that he does not have a desire for a girlfriend because he has strong friendships, and sexual desire, he does not experience romantic attraction. He said he would never date someone because that would make him a huge jerk and he doesn't want to hurt anybody; the best he could hope for is a deep platonic love with someone he also is sexually attracted to and that would be unfair to the woman. He sounded almost dejected and sad but I may be projecting something there.

I worry because he has depression. Plus he's a great kid! He's hilarious and witty, intelligent, and well, he looks like me so he must be good looking. I am trying to understand and support without judging, discounting feelings, and being condescending. I can't find a lot of material on aromantic sexuals; most of what I can locate talks about bar-hopping players and well, that is not him at all.

[Lady Girl]

Personally, I think the best way to show him support is to listen and try to have a positive reaction when he confides in you...not fake or anything, just acknowledge that he feels the way he does and those feelings are valid. If he seems to be asking for actual advice, then just give it to the best of your ability. You could always remind him that if he feels this way, it's more than likely that someone else does too (a potential partner, if he indicates that's something he wants), or someone may have similar/compatible feelings.

I think listening and being there for him will show your support and understanding.

[Guest]

There are people who would be OK with friends-with-benefits arrangements, which may be something that would work for him. Or, purely casual dating with everything out in the open (knowing it won't lead to marriage or anything stereotypically romantic). If the girl knows beforehand, he isn't a jerk for her accepting, as there is no misleading. Also, perhaps relationship anarchy may be something that could appeal, since relationships there don't have to follow any "romance/dating/marriage" guidelines. And, of course, some romantically inclined people have said they would not be bothered by an aromantic partner not feeling the same towards them. I can understand why bar hopping for one night stands would not be interesting to him.

Best ways to be supportive is just to listen to him. And be accepting.

[MadRat]

It seems to me there are more aromantic sexuals than romantic ones, so it should be quite easy for him to have FWB or something like this, or totally casual one-night stands.

He should be honest and don´t lead romantic girls on. That´s the only one potential problem.

[passionatefriend61]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone had resources on supporting and helping a family member who is aromantic but sexual? I research everything and want to understand the best that I can. We are close and I have a "protective instinct" for this person; he is somewhat younger than I am and I can be almost maternal sometimes.

I realize that this is a bit out of your realm but I am having difficulty finding unbiased information and I am wondering if anyone could help me find some resources. I imagine that although it is different (opposite almost) that their may be some knowledge here. Often those who are in a minority/have certain experiences are well versed in the wide range of what is considered a deviation from society's so-called norm. And as a heterosexual married romantic (albeit not sappy) woman, I am part of the so-called norm.

My close male family member confides in me about things he does not talk to others about. He is in his 20s and never really had a girlfriend. Not that it is particularly relevant but he has social anxiety and is on the Autism spectrum but is very high functioning.

He told me in the past that he never really wants a girlfriend. He can have some confidence issues so I thought maybe he was just being down on himself. He told me last week that he does not have a desire for a girlfriend because he has strong friendships, and sexual desire, he does not experience romantic attraction. He said he would never date someone because that would make him a huge jerk and he doesn't want to hurt anybody; the best he could hope for is a deep platonic love with someone he also is sexually attracted to and that would be unfair to the woman. He sounded almost dejected and sad but I may be projecting something there.

I worry because he has depression. Plus he's a great kid! He's hilarious and witty, intelligent, and well, he looks like me so he must be good looking. I am trying to understand and support without judging, discounting feelings, and being condescending. I can't find a lot of material on aromantic sexuals; most of what I can locate talks about bar-hopping players and well, that is not him at all.

What a wonderful person you are, to care enough to come seeking advice for your relative!

First of all, let him know it is totally okay to be aromantic and sexual, and he is SO not alone. Aromanticism is a very new concept, so right now, the people who know they're aromantic and openly identifying as such make up a pretty small number. There's also a lot of stigma against aromantic sexuality from the romantic-sexual majority (and hell, even the romantic asexual majority), so it makes sense that some aromantic sexual people would want to keep their aromanticism/relationship preferences hushed.

I'm going to give you several links to pass along to him, but I also want to say this:

1. Aromantic sexual people who are aware of their orientation and identifying as such do manage to find comfortable sexual relationships, without resorting to a lot of casual sex/one night stands and without necessarily getting involved in traditional romantic relationships. Sexual friendship--not just empty FWBs relationships--is a real thing, and can be negotiated with friends who are on the same page as you, as far as not wanting a romantic relationship.

2. It is also possible for an aromantic person to be in a "romantic" relationship with someone who's romantically attracted to them. Most aromantic sexual people are not very interested in that scenario and don't really go looking for it, but plenty of them end up in those relationships anyway, unless they're really romance-repulsed and can't stomach romantic entanglements even with people they care about. Aromantic people are not incapable of love or caring or emotional investment, so some of them can actually do quite well in "romantic" relationships with someone they're attached to, even without the romantic attraction. That said, no aromantic person is EVER obligated to get into romantic relationships, and you should let your relative know that is 100% okay for him to not get involved with anyone romantically if he really doesn't want to. The average aromantic person will prefer not to be in romantic relationships and, if they want a primary partner at all, would like a nonromantic one instead--whether sexual or nonsexual.

3. Some aro sexual people do luck out and find a sexual queerplatonic relationship/best friendship with someone who is on their wavelength about it.

4. Many aro sexual people are open to, interested in, or involved in nonsexual partnerships with people who don't want romance or sex from them, and have sex on the side with other people. (Bonus: Aro sexual people can be nonromantic partners with aromantic asexuals! But obviously, sex is something the sexual person would have to get elsewhere.)

So, forward the following links to your relative and hopefully, they help. Also, there have been at least a few threads here on AVEN started by aro sexual people. He is always welcome to register and hang out over in the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations subsection of this forum, if he wants some sense of connection with other aromantic people even though they're asexual.

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/tag/aromantic-allosexuals/

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/romance-is-not-love-what-negative-aromantic-stereotypes-says-about-romantic-people/

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/queerplatonic-definition-and-reading/

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2014/03/18/nonromantic-touch-love-and-intimacy/

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/02/23/an-aromantic-primer/

http://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/01/03/cross-orientation-sexuality/

http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/94657889458/teeny-tiny-linkspam-on-aromanticism

http://aromanticaardvark.tumblr.com/

http://fyeahqueerplatoniczucchinis.tumblr.com/

http://qpadvice.tumblr.com/

http://alloaros.tumblr.com/

http://aromanticnerd.tumblr.com/

http://aroramblings.tumblr.com/

http://arosecret.tumblr.com/

http://anagnori.tumblr.com/search/aromantic+allosexuals

Here are some threads started on AVEN by aromantic sexual people:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/94393-pansexual-but-aromantic-is-it-possible/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/104929-allosexual-lesbian-confused-on-things-about-romantic-identity/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85220-aromantic-pansexual-does-that-work/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/104553-sexual-aro/

[WordsAllEscaping]

Thank you very much, everyone.

I guess listening and understanding is first and foremost. I will look at all those links in the previous post. Wow, a lot of reading material!

One thing he is concerned about is if he ever has/wants to talk to someone else is how they will react. I can see envision comments of "I'll pray for you," viewing it as a moral defect and other family members calling him stronger variants of "jerk."

I sounded like an idiot before he actually explained. He said he wasn't "romantic." And I said something silly like "Yeah, I hate romantic comedies too and what's the deal with flowers? They're expensive and die in two days; I'd rather have some chili cheese fries," which is true but not exactly the same thing. ;)

[Guest]

He most likely will run into people who are ignorant and will make such comments. Even potential relationship interests may sometimes say cruel, ignorant things. That is why it's nice to have people who will listen and accept you in your corner, for when you run into those that won't. :)

[WordsAllEscaping]

It seems to me there are more aromantic sexuals than romantic ones, so it should be quite easy for him to have FWB or something like this, or totally casual one-night stands.

He should be honest and don´t lead romantic girls on. That´s the only one potential problem.

This is interesting to me. Perhaps I am in my bubble, thinking I am in the majority but it is interesting to think that I may not be. For me, I can be sexually attracted to someone without having a romantic connection, but that does not mean I am not romantically attracted to anyone ever. However, being romantically attracted to someone and not having a sexual attraction is foreign to me, as is never having a romantic attraction.

It's interesting how diverse people are. Makes me realize how different we are and how I need to stop assuming that I am the norm. :-)

[binary suns]

[passionatefriend61]

Oh, and I forgot! This is a really good resource on how to be a good ally to aromantics: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/71315914431/how-to-be-a-better-ally-to-aromantic-people

[Autumn Season]

Woah, I just realized that one of my, autistic, close relatives might be aro allo as well. And that I've been a jerk. There was one time when they tried to talk about relationships with me, but it all was way too personal and for me as a romantic ace the things they said sounded extremely backwards. It makes sense if I look at the conversation from an aro allo perspective though. Hm... It also didn't help that they are extremely religious in a traditional way and I am not at all, so our moral thinking differs a lot. It was just so awkward and I didn't know how to deal. But I think that now I could relatively easily face them again. So thank you for this thread!

This talk reminds me of how a friend recently said that "... but in the end they all want a relationship". And I was like "No...?". xD I might be romantic, but I don't expect everyone to fall in love and jump into relationships. There are many different fulfilling ways to live.

[Tarfeather]

Also, can we get rid of the idea that aromanticism and autism are inherently linked? Romance is considered the most valuable connection a human being can possibly have (along with sex) and autistic people are assumed to be unable to make meaningful emotional connections. This 'aromantic allosexuality is caused by autism' thing is amatonormative and ableist.

This is just a guess, but could it be that in the US, you get slapped with an ASD diagnosis much quicker than where I live? I've met many people from the US who were a lot more socially competent and generally more functional in life than myself, and yet diagnosed with Asperger's. Meanwhile, I've got many of the symptoms associated with autism, and nobody's even considered diagnosing me with ASD (and I've been to many therapists). I think that maybe what goes for autistic in Germany is much stricter than in the US, and that's why at least around here people do have that impression that an autistic person would be unable to lead a "normal" romantic relationship.

[binary suns]

He told me in the past that he never really wants a girlfriend. He can have some confidence issues so I thought maybe he was just being down on himself. He told me last week that he does not have a desire for a girlfriend because he has strong friendships, and sexual desire, he does not experience romantic attraction. He said he would never date someone because that would make him a huge jerk and he doesn't want to hurt anybody; the best he could hope for is a deep platonic love with someone he also is sexually attracted to and that would be unfair to the woman. He sounded almost dejected and sad but I may be projecting something there.

people can date without romance being part of the equation, and some (but not all!) romantic people might be ok without romantic reciprocation. it depends on the person. it's complete fair for him to date anyone as long as both parties understand what they do and do not "get out of it" and are happy with the arrangements.

personally I am aromantic and asexual. I do not like dating because to me it implies either romantic or sexual intentions I do not have. so I do not want to date for that reason. but I know someone who is aromantic and asexual like I am, however this friend does quite enjoy dating because to them dating isn't a sexual or romantic activity at all, just something to do for fun. however on the contrary, my friend actually would not consider themselves in a relationship with a partner, while I would. isn't that strange how me and my friend differ in so many ways?

I guess the point is, that if he doesn't want to date someone or be in a relationship because it wouldn't work for him, then that is OK. but at the same time, if he is avoiding relationships/dating because he thinks it wouldn't be ok for a theoretic partner/datefriend, well he should know that this is up to the partner or datefriend, one never knows what another will like unless we ask :) And there's nothing wrong with looking for someone who likes dating or relationships in the same way that he does. All it takes is looking, well sometimes (often) we have to look many places and not give up. but not looking because we think they think something? that's just unnecessary anxiety we put on ourselves.

and well actually for me, sometimes I do have that same anxiety, of not wanting to date because I don't want to be a heartbreaker. and for me, it is this anxiety that makes not dating not worth it for me. but if I wanted to date more than I do, I might choose to beat that anxiety instead, find a way to deal with it or eliminate it. it is up to the individual to make a choice, and to recognize what they want or don't want.

I hope my thoughts help :)

Also, can we get rid of the idea that aromanticism and autism are inherently linked? Romance is considered the most valuable connection a human being can possibly have (along with sex) and autistic people are assumed to be unable to make meaningful emotional connections. This 'aromantic allosexuality is caused by autism' thing is amatonormative and ableist.

This is just a guess, but could it be that in the US, you get slapped with an ASD diagnosis much quicker than where I live? I've met many people from the US who were a lot more socially competent and generally more functional in life than myself, and yet diagnosed with Asperger's. Meanwhile, I've got many of the symptoms associated with autism, and nobody's even considered diagnosing me with ASD (and I've been to many therapists). I think that maybe what goes for autistic in Germany is much stricter than in the US, and that's why at least around here people do have that impression that an autistic person would be unable to lead a "normal" romantic relationship.

I have autism and for me, the anxiety regarding human friendships is present when regarding intimate relationships. but, there is something about what I want different from this anxiety, that makes it clear to me that I am aromantic and asexual in a way that is irrelevant to my autism symptoms. perhaps together they compound, and make it harder for me to form relationships of various sorts... but if there is a false belief that autism causes asexuality or aromanticism, I would argue that it's instead that an aromantic orientation or asexual orientation can lead to a lifestyle that autism can also sometimes lead to.

[booksoversex]

I agree with Tarfeather. I have only met a few people I know were diagnosed with Aspberger's. One of them was the weird guy always drinking coke who hung around my old school. The boys would be mean to him and get him to buy smokes for them, and he would sometimes be a bit inappropriate towards girls (not really anything sexual, he was just very... intense in terms of talking to people, which gets weird after a while when you're grown-up and they're kids). He had no social skills, but give him a math problem and he solved it within seconds. Another guy was more functional socially, but he had a thing for Rubik's cubes. All wonderful, the way I see it.

There are others I've met whom I suspect might have Aspberger's, but if they've been diagnosed, I don't know about it. It's not really that common a diagnosis here as it seems to be in the US.

[Telecaster68]

I suspect the way the US health system works - insurance companies need to have something pathologised and certificated to pay for treatment - doesn't help.