For 20-somethings getting their feet off the ground

[KendraPM]

Uhhhhh.

For me it's actually not hard at all.

I mean, of course I'm bugged when people come tell me it's a phase I'll grow out of, but so do I when they tell me that I'll definitely want kids. I don't see society as oversexualised, personally. I just think that there is a biiiiiiit too much of an assumption that everyone likes and wants the same things, and that applies to more than just sexuality alone.

</unpopularopinion>

I have to agree. Sexuality in general is something that doesn't even pop up in my mind. It's a complete non-issue. I only notice things when people are completely fixated on them. There are definitely problems with people's general assumptions, but that's the case in everything.

I prefer the oversexification over the "sex is bad/dirty/wrong and shouldn't be discussed/shown/acknowledged" that was around way back when. I don't like the idea that everyone assumes everyone wants/has sex, but I like the fact that acknowledging sex is a part of life is a good thing....but then again, I have a lot of highly sexual friends and watching them grow up being shamed for enjoying their sexuality by some people bugged me.

[deltaX]

I have to agree that for me personally, the sexualization of everything isn't as big an issue for me as it is for some other aces. I do think it's a good thing that in general sex isn't being shamed as much as it used to be. What get to me is when things get taken to far- when people assume that sex isn't only okay but necessary for someone to be happy. It's not society that bothers me, but the off-handed comments from individuals that seem to assume everyone is straight and sexual until proven otherwise.

[Guest]

I prefer the oversexification over the "sex is bad/dirty/wrong and shouldn't be discussed/shown/acknowledged" that was around way back when.

Oh yeah, that too. I have friends with varying degrees of sexual desires and I'm frankly happy they live in a time and age when they can be open about it.

I mean, I'm out as ace to my friends and I'm one of the first who was told about a friend-with-benefit-ship ongoing between two of my friends (who later became partners). There must be a reason for that.

[Pizza Seawitch]

I'm glad I saw some people taking up for the 'oversexification' lol. I'm friends with three couples and, I mean, sex is a part of their life and something they enjoy. I can contribute to the conversations but just don't a different level. I feel like when we complain about people making assumptions we're just not really putting ourselves out there enough. I like being the non-biased view in some scenarios. I give the outside looking in view. Sexual frustrations don't cloud my mind. And if someone doesn't understand... I stand up to them. I explain things to them. If nothing else, over explaining things normally shuts people up, even if they don't understand.

We act like life comes with a manual explaining all the sexualities to someone and that they've spent years in training just in case someone they know comes out as a homosexual or asexual or etc. I'd rather say something that maybe proves their ignorance as opposed to being ignored or mistreated because of what I am. My friends have known me for 15 years mostly... and only 3 years ago did I discover asexuality and find my place. How were they just suppose to know how to handle everything and know what to say?

Give people a break sometimes. Try to educate but more than anything else YOU DO YOU. I think we worry about others too much sometimes.

[KendraPM]

I think I do kind of the same thing. I don't tell most people about being asexual. Those closest to me know, but...I don't know. I feel like not enough people understand what it is, so therefore I don't want to deal with trying to defend myself. Mainly, I just explain asexuality, but leave out that I am asexual. I explain it in simple terms which makes it easier to make the argument for the validity of asexuality when I don't make it personal. Sometimes I feel a bit like I'm hiding, but mostly I just feel like it's none of their business. I am what I am, my sexuailty shouldn't affect how people see me.

[varied_in_style]

At 27, I've had to lose a lot of what I had and start again. It makes me very vulnerable. :(

I know how you feel. I've -just- turned 25 myself. I moved all the way across the country, taking only what I could carry. At the time there was a possibility of getting my stuff back, but a year after I left my parents lost the house. All of it is gone, and I still haven't gotten around to replacing any of what I actually miss. Mostly books and candles, and the like. *hugs*

[sakura_chan]

im 20 years old and i have been through alot in my life i think that the most difficult time was back when i was in high school.

i believe that twenties is the age of enjoying life and not getting worried about anything and always have hope even when its too dark there is always a light that will erase ur darkness

im a very optimistic person and thats how i got through my difficulties.

i dnt believe in the impossible

i believe in hope in opportunities in chances in destiny in GOD that will work ur life for better even if u go through some hardship it must for a reason because everything happen for a reason right :)

[booksoversex]

I am 24 and still feel like I am in a phase of life where I am allowed to be young and spend my days as I like (although I am only a part-time student now so it is expected that I work, but I don't see this as a bad thing). This feels great, being able to drink red wine and read in bed or spend a whole day in the park not having to feel responsibilities towards anyone else. I can be the cool aunt to my nephew who takes him hiking or pushes him higher on the swings than anyone else, but don't have the responsibilites of taking him to the toilet or getting him to sleep every night (although I would do that happily, I love children and that intimate bond between children and their caretakers). I can get up when I want and go to bed when I want, I can get involved in charity work which is really important for me and even if I am so busy I don't eat dinner at home for two weeks in a row, I don't have to feel bad. It's my life.

This sense of freedom is wonderful, and I think that's also a reason I am glad I discovered my asexuality now. Now it doesn't feel like such a life-altering thing, now I like being alone and living my life on my terms. Now I have several other friends who have the same kind of lifestyles as I do (although they actually care that they're not "getting laid" if they go long without sex) and I still feel normal for my age group.

What I am worried about, is getting older. I would love to find a life companion. I dream of that, finding someone to share my life with. I think most people do, also those who never feel romantic attraction towards others. Most humans crave companionship and love, it's just how we define those things are different. I already have one very "established" group of friends where everyone is in a steady relationship and have moved in with their partner, I am always making bets with those friends about when other friends in that group will get married or have kids. I am looking forward to it (I am easily touched by love, so I imagine I will be bawling my eyes out at their weddings; and I really love kids, they make the world a brighter, happier place), but a part of me also dreads it. There are some thoughts I push far into a corner of my mind, the thoughts that ten years from now, going on 35, I'll STILL be the single girl at weddings, the cool aunt, the one making bets about when people get their first, second, third child, still living alone. Even if I am an independent soul who loves to live my life the way I want to, and even though I think many of my friends would envy me that lifestyle, I still fear it.

I fear being alone forever, I fear never experiencing true love, I fear being pitied, I fear being talked about behind my back by well-meaning people, I fear to be the only one of my siblings who is living by myself. Is this fear something which will go away? I am still young, it is irrational to think I will never find someone (I don't believe there's only one compatible person for everyone out there), but the thought is always there. Especially when I read many posts of people in their mid-30s in exactly that situation. Do you folks have those thoughts? I guess what's best is to just live in the here and now and not bother with the future until it's here.

[Tozby]

booksoversex, I know those feelings, especially the fears. The few people I've spoken about this with get very annoyed over it. "You can't enjoy being alone and not want to be alone! That makes no sense!" is a common refrain. Sadly I don't have an answer for it either, beyond what you said at the end of your post. Surround yourself with your friends, do what you want to do and try not to let anybody else's judgements dictate a life which isn't theirs (trite advice you'll have heard hundreds of times before, I know!).

And since reading the experiences of people who are single in their thirties is a guaranteed way of generating misery and doubt, I offer some anecdotal evidence to the contrary -- my family knows somebody who was The Single Friend well into her forties. She's now happily married and has an (adopted) child. Never say never, and all that.

Generally speaking, I think the mid-twenties is one of the worst periods of life when it comes to relationship fears. Seeing so many people settling down puts pressure on everybody else to do the same, even if rationally we know there's no necessity to do so. It becomes easy to forget that not everybody finds happiness in the same places.

[Guest]

I guess living in a country where marriage before 30 is uncommon (actually, marriage at all is uncommon over here now) I haven't really felt any of the aforementioned pressure. I'm not too worried of being the single friend of my friend group, I'm mostly just worried that it will leave me alone, since partnered people - especially those who have kids - tend to not have much time for anyone outside their immediate family.

That, and I don't know if I actually want to deal with being single for a lifetime. The short term does not bother me, I don't mind being single right now, but I know my objective chances are low and part of it makes me wonder, how will I feel about being single five years from now? Maybe ten? Or twenty? There's no saying. Connecting with people also becomes more and more difficult as I age... I'm only 22 (nearly 23), and I already notice the difference between how easily I made friends before, and how hard it is now. Granted, the change in environment (university -> work) played a part, but it's not just that.

[gracious]

I'm 25, and I feel relatively fortunate that a lot of the friends right now are single and happy about it. They're mostly not asexual, but there's not really any pressure from friends to date or have sex. I do have good friends who are in long-term romantic relationships as well, and I am happy for them. Lately I've also been trying to re-connect more with old friends, which has been nice. And I'm in grad school so a lot of the new people I meet at "work" are close to my age and have similar interests. Overall I feel pretty stable, socially, financially, etc.

I do, of course, worry sometimes about the future and where I'll end up after grad school, and whether I'll be able to fall in love again (I'm not really interested in dating if I'm not in love, and it's been I while since I was in love). But I try to just focus on where I'm at right now and taking the next step as it comes.

[deltaX]

I think worrying about the future can be completely rational. I'm barely 21, and I already am worried about one day being forgotten when all my friends have significant others. Right now I actually do have two friends who are in steady romantic relationships (one that's been going on for over three years), and they haven't abandoned me, but I'm worried that once they have families that might change.

I'm lucky to have really good friends, and the chance I'll be abandoned by all of them is slim, but the fear is still there.

[booksoversex]

It's the small things that make me worry. Such as the nights when you sit at home by yourself because all your friends have plans, mostly with their significant others. Will that once be the norm? My friends are the only thing keeping me from feeling lonely.

[Autumn Sunrise]

booksoversex, it sounds as though you have made a very happy and fulfilling life for yourself. No one can foresee the future, but I think you have the capacity to keep doing this as you get older, even if the actual setup of your life changes. If you would like a child of your own there is no reason why you shouldn't have one, either by IVF or by fostering or adoption, but if this is not for you then there are other ways that you can fill your life with friendship and love.

With the kind of positive attitude you have, I wouldn't be worrying too much about your future - just continue to be open to opportunities as they arise - and that companion may come along when you least expect them :)

*hugs*, and good luck!

[afflitto]

I would like to report that Walmart at 7 am is a very strange place. Everyone there is a morning person or something.

That was relevant to my life as a 20-something asexual, probably. Just that I was tackling chores that were piling up and I now don't have to go to bed hungry b/c I have groceries. Yay!

[Lil]

Sigh. I am 28 and having to start again after working over 10 years I've now got no job and I lost all my savings (some times things happen and you trust the wrong people). On the plus side I have just started a new course to get a qualification as a montessori teacher so hopefully in 2 years I will be earning money again, but for now it kind of sucks ( I HATE the process of job hunting all the rejections are soul crushing). I loved the feeling of being a real grown up and taking my mum on holiday and paying for her.

Oh well onwards and upwards as they say.

[Guest]

.

[Skycaptain]

Lil, whilst things have been bad, well done for being positive, learning from adversity and strengthening yourself. Have a massive to encourage you to continue bettering yourself like this

[Autumn Sunrise]

Lil, I hope the two years will be interesting and satisfying, and that you will be successful in finding the job you want at the end of your course.

[Autumn Season]

I prefer the oversexification over the "sex is bad/dirty/wrong and shouldn't be discussed/shown/acknowledged" that was around way back when.

Oh yeah, that too. I have friends with varying degrees of sexual desires and I'm frankly happy they live in a time and age when they can be open about it.

I mean, I'm out as ace to my friends and I'm one of the first who was told about a friend-with-benefit-ship ongoing between two of my friends (who later became partners). There must be a reason for that.

Also, we would not be able to talk about "not wanting sex" if talk about sex in general would be frowned upon. ^^

[deltaX]

I prefer the oversexification over the "sex is bad/dirty/wrong and shouldn't be discussed/shown/acknowledged" that was around way back when.

Oh yeah, that too. I have friends with varying degrees of sexual desires and I'm frankly happy they live in a time and age when they can be open about it.

I mean, I'm out as ace to my friends and I'm one of the first who was told about a friend-with-benefit-ship ongoing between two of my friends (who later became partners). There must be a reason for that.

Also, we would not be able to talk about "not wanting sex" if talk about sex in general would be frowned upon. ^^

Agreed! If we lived in a different time, sex would be so taboo that no one who be able to openly communicate about being ace.

[ebriff]

Okay, who wants to hear about my life? Can't promise it's sunshine and rainbows but here goes:

My name is Emily. Most people just call me Em. I'll be 28 in November and I have next to nothing to show for all the years behind me. I have two college degrees, and am working at an hourly wage that is definitely not enough to live on my own at the moment. I went to college the first time for broadcasting, with dreams of running cameras and editing video, and correcting audio, and managing sound and lighting boards. The whole nine. What I really wanted (still want) to do, is work a camera/lightboard/soundboard at an arena somewhere...for sporting events or concerts, that kind of thing. Because of the switch to digital and the timing of my graduation, my bachelors degree was virtually worthless as the whole industry lost tons of money and cut tons of jobs. So...I went back home and got a job washing dogs, which took me through grooming school. I developed a dog allergy and it eventually got bad enough to put me out of working with dogs entirely. So....back to school I went, this time for a degree in a booming industry sure to land me a job where I could at least make a living while searching for my a/v dream job. That field was cybersecurity. I graduated with a 3.76GPA, but I don't know that I could tell you much about what I supposedly learned. Still, I got a job doing "tech support" which my college incorrectly considers a success. It didn't pay, and my new job isn't much better. I didn't (still don't) apply my degree and many of my coworkers were still working on earning theirs. I recently moved companies, but I'm still working tech support. Now I'm at least with a cable company which may or may not be able to provide me opportunities to move into the production field. It's yet to be seen, but I haven't been here long.

I live with my father. I take care of my rats and pay all my bills, but I can't afford to move out on what I make now. I'm pretty convinced at this point that no one in my generation can live on their own without some kind of secondary income. All I really want in life is to have a job that pays me enough to do such a thing. I no longer care too much about the field, because at this point I'd be happy to just be on my own. I've lived with a roommate in the past, but I can't seem to find one now.

There's only one person in my life who knows about my orientation. A former co-worker and good friend. I would like to tell some of my family members, but I can't trust them to keep it to themselves.

Anyway...that's me. Hi.

So....long story short, you're all doing better than me.

[Guest]

I'd have killed for some proper cyber security learning! It isn't offered over here and I'm suffering the consequences greatly, because now I'm stuck learning by myself whatever you may be learning at your university. Mind if we switch places? :P

That aside, welcome!

[Auran]

I'm 26, and I've finally (hopefully) found an industry to make something of myself in; Wine. It's a fascinating subject. I studied Politics at University and hoped to work in the public sector. I even spent a year volunteering at a Magistrate's Court. Then David Cameron came into power and with a wave of his hand he's buggered the public sector. I then spent 3 years bouncing from temp job to temp job, doing charity work and generally being as disposable as a condom. I pole-vaulted over suicide and went straight into wishing I'd never existed.

Then a friend of a friend got me a job working at a wine shop, and I took to it like a duck to water. I've been taking evening classes to get qualifications. Hopefully I can soon start at one of the bigger companies like Laithwaites.

I still generally consider myself a failure to my family and my friends, but at least now I can hope to be something better before I'm 27.

On a side note, I'm glad I found this site.

[Skycaptain]

Auran welcome and have our traditional cake 🎂. It's good to hear of someone who's overcome their demons, well done.

Evening classes (glasses!) for qualifications in wines sound interesting

[Telomerase]

Hey, twentysomethings. Just wanted to give a shout-out from thirtysomething land. Hope you don't mind.

It's not so bad here, really! Just keep putting one foot forward. I know a lot of you are in the same boat with us thirtysomethings as far as job prospects. I graduated at one of the worst possible times as well. It took me years to find a decent job, years I could have spent saving money and putting down a payment toward a house. I spent years after college still relying on my family for help. I took dead-end jobs just to pay off bills. It was very frustrating. I felt like a real loser at times. Don't ever think that you are. A lot of events completely out of our control contributed to the state of the world as it is today, many of them before we were even born. But don't let yourself become a victim, either.

I don't know what the future holds for our generation. Sometimes it seems pretty bleak, but all we can do is take one day at a time. And we can support each other.

[ebriff]

I'd have killed for some proper cyber security learning! It isn't offered over here and I'm suffering the consequences greatly, because now I'm stuck learning by myself whatever you may be learning at your university. Mind if we switch places? :P

That aside, welcome!

Believe me, the degree has done nothing for me so far, and supposedly I went to one of the leading schools for it. That probably has more to do with me though. I chose the field because of the growing industry. I enjoyed the smallest possible bit of it, and therefore retained next to nothing. I'd still take any cyber security job I could, but somehow I still can't get a job because I have no experience, and honestly, I probably couldn't keep the job anyways. I feel pretty much like I have no training either, because I didn't have a base knowledge in computers to build my education on. It was like they started teaching at level 2 when I hadn't reached level 1 yet, if that makes sense.

I wish we could switch! Though I don't know what I'd be getting myself into, hahahahahaha....so long as I could bring my rats with me!

[ebriff]

Hey, twentysomethings. Just wanted to give a shout-out from thirtysomething land. Hope you don't mind.

It's not so bad here, really! Just keep putting one foot forward. I know a lot of you are in the same boat with us thirtysomethings as far as job prospects. I graduated at one of the worst possible times as well. It took me years to find a decent job, years I could have spent saving money and putting down a payment toward a house. I spent years after college still relying on my family for help. I took dead-end jobs just to pay off bills. It was very frustrating. I felt like a real loser at times. Don't ever think that you are. A lot of events completely out of our control contributed to the state of the world as it is today, many of them before we were even born. But don't let yourself become a victim, either.

I don't know what the future holds for our generation. Sometimes it seems pretty bleak, but all we can do is take one day at a time. And we can support each other.

Thank you. It definitely gets hard, but....as much as I know in my head that I'm not the only one out there (my sister has two degrees too and ended up joining the Air Force because she couldn't get work either - not an option for someone with scoliosis), as each year goes by, and my friends find jobs and get married and start their ADULT lives, it seems impossible. There is only two people in my whole life who actually do it on their own - no roommate or live-in S/O to help pay the bills. It only gets further exacerbated by parents/older generations who don't understand the job market situation. My parents both got well-paying jobs with only two years college experience. My dad made six figures a year and retired at age 63, with a huge pension. These things will likely never happen for me, and I'm okay with that. But I'm sure I'm not the only one whose parents constantly say "You just need to apply!" Well, what the heck do you think I've been doing?! Grrrr!

As someone who is getting closer and closer to the thirtysomethings, thank you for the kind words.

[Telomerase]

Hey, twentysomethings. Just wanted to give a shout-out from thirtysomething land. Hope you don't mind.

It's not so bad here, really! Just keep putting one foot forward. I know a lot of you are in the same boat with us thirtysomethings as far as job prospects. I graduated at one of the worst possible times as well. It took me years to find a decent job, years I could have spent saving money and putting down a payment toward a house. I spent years after college still relying on my family for help. I took dead-end jobs just to pay off bills. It was very frustrating. I felt like a real loser at times. Don't ever think that you are. A lot of events completely out of our control contributed to the state of the world as it is today, many of them before we were even born. But don't let yourself become a victim, either.

I don't know what the future holds for our generation. Sometimes it seems pretty bleak, but all we can do is take one day at a time. And we can support each other.

Thank you. It definitely gets hard, but....as much as I know in my head that I'm not the only one out there (my sister has two degrees too and ended up joining the Air Force because she couldn't get work either - not an option for someone with scoliosis), as each year goes by, and my friends find jobs and get married and start their ADULT lives, it seems impossible. There is only two people in my whole life who actually do it on their own - no roommate or live-in S/O to help pay the bills. It only gets further exacerbated by parents/older generations who don't understand the job market situation. My parents both got well-paying jobs with only two years college experience. My dad made six figures a year and retired at age 63, with a huge pension. These things will likely never happen for me, and I'm okay with that. But I'm sure I'm not the only one whose parents constantly say "You just need to apply!" Well, what the heck do you think I've been doing?! Grrrr!

As someone who is getting closer and closer to the thirtysomethings, thank you for the kind words.

Ahaha -- this guy, eh?

I understand you. My parents are fairly sympathetic, having seen my job prospects crash and burn and my sister eking along as well. But then I hear them just casually talk about retirement and their pensions and I just think "Yeah, sure, must be nice."

It was only a stroke of good fortune I eventually found a job in the field I went to school for. But I feel like those lost years will haunt me much later in life. In Japan in the early '90s their economy crashed similarly to ours, and in a way they are still recovering from it. The early years of young adulthood are crucial for future earning capacity.

Then there's grampa, a nice guy, but post World War II was an economic golden age he was able to take full advantage of. He's been retired for years and makes money every day from his investments.

Just remember, for every one of your peers you see that seems to be doing well, three others you don't know about are struggling to make ends meet. And the ones that seem to "have it all together" have problems of their own.

But all we can do is keep going. And support each other. We have something in common despite our age differences.

Keep on keeping on!

[ebriff]

Hey, twentysomethings. Just wanted to give a shout-out from thirtysomething land. Hope you don't mind.

It's not so bad here, really! Just keep putting one foot forward. I know a lot of you are in the same boat with us thirtysomethings as far as job prospects. I graduated at one of the worst possible times as well. It took me years to find a decent job, years I could have spent saving money and putting down a payment toward a house. I spent years after college still relying on my family for help. I took dead-end jobs just to pay off bills. It was very frustrating. I felt like a real loser at times. Don't ever think that you are. A lot of events completely out of our control contributed to the state of the world as it is today, many of them before we were even born. But don't let yourself become a victim, either.

I don't know what the future holds for our generation. Sometimes it seems pretty bleak, but all we can do is take one day at a time. And we can support each other.

Thank you. It definitely gets hard, but....as much as I know in my head that I'm not the only one out there (my sister has two degrees too and ended up joining the Air Force because she couldn't get work either - not an option for someone with scoliosis), as each year goes by, and my friends find jobs and get married and start their ADULT lives, it seems impossible. There is only two people in my whole life who actually do it on their own - no roommate or live-in S/O to help pay the bills. It only gets further exacerbated by parents/older generations who don't understand the job market situation. My parents both got well-paying jobs with only two years college experience. My dad made six figures a year and retired at age 63, with a huge pension. These things will likely never happen for me, and I'm okay with that. But I'm sure I'm not the only one whose parents constantly say "You just need to apply!" Well, what the heck do you think I've been doing?! Grrrr!

As someone who is getting closer and closer to the thirtysomethings, thank you for the kind words.

Ahaha -- this guy, eh?

I understand you. My parents are fairly sympathetic, having seen my job prospects crash and burn and my sister eking along as well. But then I hear them just casually talk about retirement and their pensions and I just think "Yeah, sure, must be nice."

It was only a stroke of good fortune I eventually found a job in the field I went to school for. But I feel like those lost years will haunt me much later in life. In Japan in the early '90s their economy crashed similarly to ours, and in a way they are still recovering from it. The early years of young adulthood are crucial for future earning capacity.

Then there's grampa, a nice guy, but post World War II was an economic golden age he was able to take full advantage of. He's been retired for years and makes money every day from his investments.

Just remember, for every one of your peers you see that seems to be doing well, three others you don't know about are struggling to make ends meet. And the ones that seem to "have it all together" have problems of their own.

But all we can do is keep going. And support each other. We have something in common despite our age differences.

Keep on keeping on!

"But I feel like those lost years will haunt me much later in life." - THIS. SO MUCH THIS. My parents think I'm kidding when I say I will never be able to retire. This is exactly why. I would've loved to start my retirement planning earlier and although I'm putting money away now, it's the tiniest sliver of an amount, because it's all I can do while still saving to move out (if I ever get a job to move to).

Yeah, my dad makes more money than me almost every day on his investments....just sitting around the house. Must be nice!

I get "Your sister figured it out!" a lot too and it just makes me angry. She didn't figure out anything! She joined the Air Force!

The really sad thing is I look up to my couple friends who are living on their own and THEY are barely scraping by. I'm like "I wish I could even afford to do THAT." :lol: