Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[WhenSummersGone]

That sucks FetLife isn't a dating site and you can't search for people. I'll try it again and see what I can find in the groups and links. Hopefully I can meet people off there. Thanks for the replies!

[shockkkk]

Is anyone else annoyed that kink is automatically associated with BDSM? I mean its one of the more common fetishes, but I'm pretty sure stuff like foot fetishes are just as common, if not more, and I'm even more certain that it makes up a small percentage of all kinks/fetishes. I mean I consider myself kinky (at least more kinky than vanilla) but I have exactly zero interest in dom/sub stuff. Most of the communities dedicated to kink seem to all revolve around dom/sub dynamics, even if it does mix in other kinks. It's not a huge deal for me since I have very little interest in doing things outside of fantasies, but it still annoys me a bit. Basically, it seems like all the "kink communities" are mostly just dom/sub communities, which would fine except they give off the impression that they encompassed the entire fetish community. All the other fetishes have their own separate communities.

[Crimstar]

Omg so glad to know that there are other people who are into kink/BDSM that also identify along the Ace spectrum :)

[Rivers_Moonlight]

Honestly I am too, I think part of the struggle I had determining whether or not I was ace was my interest in kinks, but I reckoned "Surely I would know what Sexual Attraction is if I felt it" I mean arousal from kink is more or less the height of what I experience, other than that not so much

[Ficulnean]

Is anyone else annoyed that kink is automatically associated with BDSM? I mean its one of the more common fetishes, but I'm pretty sure stuff like foot fetishes are just as common, if not more, and I'm even more certain that it makes up a small percentage of all kinks/fetishes. I mean I consider myself kinky (at least more kinky than vanilla) but I have exactly zero interest in dom/sub stuff. Most of the communities dedicated to kink seem to all revolve around dom/sub dynamics, even if it does mix in other kinks. It's not a huge deal for me since I have very little interest in doing things outside of fantasies, but it still annoys me a bit. Basically, it seems like all the "kink communities" are mostly just dom/sub communities, which would fine except they give off the impression that they encompassed the entire fetish community. All the other fetishes have their own separate communities.

Although my kink is covered by them (kind of, in a meta way, not really at the moment I suppose) I have thought the same thing myself. The only thing I can say is that you're too right: there are to many kinks to have a geographically based kink community. I would want for an online one though, except even if it was made to be not only about those things that already dominate--like domination--then these forums on it would nonetheless be larger because they alreay have had time to grow.

But, yep, I agree with you here.

[Gamesafoot]

I have a friend who is poly and she had a Halloween party where one of her friends began discussing kink. We got to talking a bit and she recommended I check out a local dungeon and assured me that house rules forbid any sort of penetration and I am welcome to just watch. I was stunned that I was met with a community that truly didn't bat an eyelash at having asexuals around because in their world the kink is more important than the sex.

I don't know if I have any real kink. I haven't tried it. I do want to please a partner, and I don't know if that is something in and of itself. I also can feel sexual when I'm in roleplay mode ... like being a fictional character.

Basically, I just want to find a relationship where I can meet someone's sexual needs and "give" without having to "take". What is that? Is that a form of Dom?

[Schrecken]

I have a friend who is poly and she had a Halloween party where one of her friends began discussing kink. We got to talking a bit and she recommended I check out a local dungeon and assured me that house rules forbid any sort of penetration and I am welcome to just watch. I was stunned that I was met with a community that truly didn't bat an eyelash at having asexuals around because in their world the kink is more important than the sex.

I don't know if I have any real kink. I haven't tried it. I do want to please a partner, and I don't know if that is something in and of itself. I also can feel sexual when I'm in roleplay mode ... like being a fictional character.

Basically, I just want to find a relationship where I can meet someone's sexual needs and "give" without having to "take". What is that? Is that a form of Dom?

Yes, you can be a dom or a top (a top is just someone who does stuff to someone else, without any kind of dominant or submissive relationship around it, so if you aren't into that kind of power dynamic you would be considered a top) and not have sex with anyone. Actually you might find that some people would be happy knowing that they don't have to return any favors (sexual or otherwise) and can just enjoy what is being given to them.

[Schrecken]

Is anyone else annoyed that kink is automatically associated with BDSM? I mean its one of the more common fetishes, but I'm pretty sure stuff like foot fetishes are just as common, if not more, and I'm even more certain that it makes up a small percentage of all kinks/fetishes. I mean I consider myself kinky (at least more kinky than vanilla) but I have exactly zero interest in dom/sub stuff. Most of the communities dedicated to kink seem to all revolve around dom/sub dynamics, even if it does mix in other kinks. It's not a huge deal for me since I have very little interest in doing things outside of fantasies, but it still annoys me a bit. Basically, it seems like all the "kink communities" are mostly just dom/sub communities, which would fine except they give off the impression that they encompassed the entire fetish community. All the other fetishes have their own separate communities.

I've seen more than a few people on Fet who complain that they are just assumed to be into some form of BDSM when in fact they have other fetish interests, so yeah, there are people out there who get irritated by that assumption. Another thing that offends many people is the assumption that everyone is either into giving or receiving pain, when that isn't the case for everyone in the lifestyle at all.

[Lauren+Bear]

Hello, cupcakes! I'm back from my trip and it seems like I missed some good conversations. :P

Anywho, I tried something new yesterday (caning) and I'm on the fence whether I liked it or not... Lol. On one hand, it hurt like a bitch, but on the other, I was nice and floaty at the end of it. I'm really not a masochist. Pain doesn't arouse me at all (then again, not much does lol). I like the endurance of pain. That's what makes me happy. It's an act of submission that I can easily give (though it's arguable that I don't do it gracefully... Lots of fucks, damns, and other profanity involved :P ). The closest to masochism I come is generic spankings, nipple clams, and tight rope. I honestly enjoy that mild pain... A slow burn, if you will. Anything past that is endurance for me, not to mention I eat up all the aftercare I can get afterwards. I'm a cuddle whore of the highest order. Lol.

On a side note, I'm debating if I want to push my limit on needles. My general plan is to let a 100% trusted dom use three needles on me... No more, no less... They say you have to try a food three times to know if you like it or not, so I figured I could do the same with needles. As always, I can safe word out if I need to.

[Ricki]

I don't get the thing for needles. Do you just get stabbed a few times?

[Lauren+Bear]

Needle play consists of subcutaneously (under the skin, excluding muscles and blood vessels) piercing the skin with needles so there is an entrance and an exit wound. People who are into needle play can get really artsy with it and different gauges of needles and often include threading ribbon or feathers into the design. Here's the least scary of the needle play images I could find where you could actually see the mechanics of it: TRIGGER WARNING: NEEDLES http://johnjohnsonbodypiercing.com/resources/play%201.jpg

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[Ricki]

Always worth doing ToccataGirl, safety is always important.

@Lauren, Well if you try it then make sure it is safe xD It's something I'll definitely never try though haha. I'm not scared of needles or pain but that picture made even me gulp o:

[Lauren+Bear]

Just a quick thing with needles (I am sure you already know this but I'm a spazz about safety) is just to be sure you absolutely trust your dom and that both of you know how to properly clean needles and apply appropriate first aid afterwards. I'm not super clear on needle work (sadomasichism is not my flavor) but once you start getting into anything that breaks skin, there are certain things you need to be aware of as far as bloodborne pathogens are concerned. Mainly, clean needles are a must, sharps container would be excellent, and bleach your equipment afterwards. Be sure to clean the wound and cover with a bandage. If it isn't healing properly, like it smells funny or you have a fever, go see your doctor.

Sorry humans if that got a bit squicky. I feel like if we've brought needles up, we should address safety concerns for viewers at home. If I am not to do this, again please let me know.

This thread is here for education. :) I worked as a vet tech for a while and sanitation has become second nature and sometimes forget that others don't obsessively wash their hands. Lol.

On that note, know the proper way to sterilize your hands and once you're sterile, don't touch anything non-sterile or else you'll have to start completely over. Never reuse needles (or razors for blood play if that's your thing) and have a sharps container for proper disposal of needles.

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[Lauren+Bear]

Oh awesome Lauren+Bear, I'm so glad you're gonna be safe. I worked as a lab tech for a while, so I am the nuttiest nut about sterile technique in the lab (and everywhere else). I get twitchy without my 70% EtOH. Also when it comes to anything involving sharps.

Lol. I almost posted a link to the most extreme hand washing video I could find, but I couldn't find one that mentioned not touching the freaking handle to the paper towel dispenser or door knob... Sure they tell you not to touch the sink, but they don't mention anything else... Lol. It was driving me nuts.

[pma01]

Iam fairly new to kink. Iam going to my first kinky event Friday night halloween. Mostly iam just going to watch not sure about participating right now

[Lauren+Bear]

Iam fairly new to kink. Iam going to my first kinky event Friday night halloween. Mostly iam just going to watch not sure about participating right now

It's definitely better to just observe if it's your fist time and don't know anybody, but it's also a great chance to talk and get to know some people that can help ease you in to the community. :-)

[Schrecken]

Hello, cupcakes! I'm back from my trip and it seems like I missed some good conversations. :P

Anywho, I tried something new yesterday (caning) and I'm on the fence whether I liked it or not... Lol. On one hand, it hurt like a bitch, but on the other, I was nice and floaty at the end of it. I'm really not a masochist. Pain doesn't arouse me at all (then again, not much does lol). I like the endurance of pain. That's what makes me happy. It's an act of submission that I can easily give (though it's arguable that I don't do it gracefully... Lots of fucks, damns, and other profanity involved :P ). The closest to masochism I come is generic spankings, nipple clams, and tight rope. I honestly enjoy that mild pain... A slow burn, if you will. Anything past that is endurance for me, not to mention I eat up all the aftercare I can get afterwards. I'm a cuddle whore of the highest order. Lol.

On a side note, I'm debating if I want to push my limit on needles. My general plan is to let a 100% trusted dom use three needles on me... No more, no less... They say you have to try a food three times to know if you like it or not, so I figured I could do the same with needles. As always, I can safe word out if I need to.

I'm not into the pain aspect of it either, but I've been struck with a couple of implements once or twice that have hurt bad enough to take my breath away and make my eyes water (and one left me with a couple of nice blackish purple bruises, which I wasn't too keen about). Just wondering if you've ever had times where your pain tolerance was lower than what you thought it should be? I played tonight and for some reason my eyes were watering all over the place and my nose was running like a faucet (had to go blow my nose afterwards!) like I was slicing up a ton of onions (though of course it was other parts of my body that were on fire and not my eyes ;) ). And this wasn't the hardest session I've ever had, either. Also love the aftercare part of it too.

As for the needles, good luck with doing that. For me, it takes a lot of effort (unless it's something quick like a flu shot or maybe a blood test) to avoid ending up on the floor when I go to donate blood. It is often more painful than any of the aforementioned medical tests/treatments, and to make it worse it drops your blood pressure. But I also came close to passing out at work one time when I got an industrial sewing machine needle halfway thru my finger tip and nail. So needles and piercings just aren't my thing. I saw someone at a party last weekend getting pierced with needles in her breasts and there was no way I could go anywhere near the action. Best I could do was to stand behind my dom and peek over his shoulder.

[Lauren+Bear]

New question guys... What new kink do you want to get the realistic skinny on?

I cane down with the GREAT combination of ear infection and head cold the day before I was going to try needles, so needless to say I don't have anything to report on that front. I DID try a posture collar before I got sick... It was so cool. :-)

[Guftders]

Lol there were so many puns in that comment :P

I didn't really understand your question though, beyond putting skinny jeans on a kink

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[pma01]

Iam fairly new to kink. Iam going to my first kinky event Friday night halloween. Mostly iam just going to watch not sure about participating right now

It's definitely better to just observe if it's your fist time and don't know anybody, but it's also a great chance to talk and get to know some people that can help ease you in to the community. :-)

i did go to the party talked to a few people and just watched. it was quite interesting, a lot of spanking, some nudity. i will go to another event. there was no sex happening that i saw which is what drew me to kink in the first place. i have no desire to ever have intercourse again, it does nothing for me. i always thought i was strange for kinks and fetish i have until finding out about fet life, from here as it turns out there are lots of other people with my same interests. imo. if your interested in kink give it a try. there is a group for every kind of fetish imaginable, and if you like me someone who just watches. you dont have to participate if you dont want to..

[pma01]

OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

It's perfectly possible, though Fetlife can be a bit off putting at times with so many people being very sex focused. Being aro-asexual might make finding play partners a bit more complicated, though that also depends on what you're looking for. It's fairly common for people on Fetlife or in the kink community to play in a completely non-romantic and non-sexual context, particularly where its a casual arrangement or in a club. For anything longer-term or more committed then I agree with what Schrecken said - that some people in sexual relationships are happy having additional non-sexual regular play partners, but otherwise it can be tricky. At least in my local area, Fetlife and the kink community is somewhat biased towards people who have casual play/relationships - the people I know in committed relationships overall tend to be less involved in the local scene.

iam on fet and yes a lot of it is sex focused. but not all. iam not interested in sex. iam however interested in masturbation and other things not related to sex.

[Lauren+Bear]

Lol there were so many puns in that comment :P

I didn't really understand your question though, beyond putting skinny jeans on a kink

'Skinny' is another term for information... 411... Low down... News... Readings... *insert thesaurus vomit here*

I was trying to pretty up my usual southern drawl. Guess it backfired. Lol.

Maybe it's a what do we want to know the logistics on?

Okay call me a moron, but I've never heard of a posture collar before.

Posture collars are collars that are designed to restrict the motion of your neck. There are strict and relaxed posture collars. The strict collars rest at the base of the skull down to your shoulders to support your head and neck and prevent any motion in your head and neck (turning your head, looking down. Etc.). These can also be made to cover the mouth like a gag, too. The more relaxed posture collars only hinder movement a little bit and usually rest just around the neck and are not meant to support any weight.

These can be decorative or used for bondage and can be tethered. Just google 'posture collar' and you'll see a lot of different and interesting designs. They're very steam-punk inspired.

Here's one similar to what I used: http://www.breathcatchers.com/shop/97-461-thickbox/posture-collar.jpg

[raenyx]

I've known my entire life that I was kinky as fuck, and that I never had an interest in sex. I never thought about labeling myself as asexual because I have distinct sexual desires even though actual sex never had much of an appeal to me. I want someone to dominate me in a nonsexual way (eventually, at least. I don't know if I'll ever trust someone enough to let them), and I'm aroused by men in vulnerable broken situations.

Does this count as some form of asexuality? I always thought that I was allo, because I had a desire to have something that was functionally "sex" even if it wasn't actually sex but weird nonsexual power dynamics. I don't think I'm sexually attracted to people, I just get hella turned on at certain power imbalances.

I mean maybe I am attracted to people? Only certain kinds of people turn me when doing things that satisfy my kink, and it's not directly linked to aesthetic attraction and is more about their personality and the way they react to things, though appearance does play a small part. Is that sexual attraction?

Also, does the fact I kinda want to try and have sex kinda cancel anything out? I've never done anything with anyone ever, and I want to experience it at least once, y'know? Even though the idea of it sounds highly unpleasant, I keep thinking "you never know until you try".

Anyways, I only just learned about the kinky ace community and have a ton of questions, sorry. I want to find a label for myself but I don't want to be a special-snowflake kinksters trying to insert myself into the lgbt+ community. Any help?

[Lauren+Bear]

I've known my entire life that I was kinky as fuck, and that I never had an interest in sex. I never thought about labeling myself as asexual because I have distinct sexual desires even though actual sex never had much of an appeal to me. I want someone to dominate me in a nonsexual way (eventually, at least. I don't know if I'll ever trust someone enough to let them), and I'm aroused by men in vulnerable broken situations.

Does this count as some form of asexuality? I always thought that I was allo, because I had a desire to have something that was functionally "sex" even if it wasn't actually sex but weird nonsexual power dynamics. I don't think I'm sexually attracted to people, I just get hella turned on at certain power imbalances.

I mean maybe I am attracted to people? Only certain kinds of people turn me when doing things that satisfy my kink, and it's not directly linked to aesthetic attraction and is more about their personality and the way they react to things, though appearance does play a small part. Is that sexual attraction?

Also, does the fact I kinda want to try and have sex kinda cancel anything out? I've never done anything with anyone ever, and I want to experience it at least once, y'know? Even though the idea of it sounds highly unpleasant, I keep thinking "you never know until you try".

Anyways, I only just learned about the kinky ace community and have a ton of questions, sorry. I want to find a label for myself but I don't want to be a special-snowflake kinksters trying to insert myself into the lgbt+ community. Any help?

I guess my first question for you is what do you constitute as sexual desires? Do you mean arousal or the actual desire to have sex with another person? Many asexuals feel arousal of some type or another... They just don't feel the desire to have sex (with the exception of grey-a's who may decide to have sex with someone they are emotionally close to).

As it says in the first post, kink does NOT have to be sexual. It could just be fun, fulfilling and/or arousing to you without the need for sex to be involved. In fact many people separate their kinks from their sex lives (or non-sex life... Lol). Personally, I like to feel protected and cared for when I'm in a scene. Sex has nothing to do with it for me.

True sexual attraction is the desire to have a sexual encounter with someone. Only you can decide if that's what you're feeling. From the sound of it, though, it just sounds like you have a 'type' of play partner you like to play with. It's just a preference for one type of person over another. It's perfectly normal. I like fun and caring tops that like to go with the flow and can read the emotion of the scene. That doesn't mean I desire to mix sex with my kinky pleasures. In fact, it's one of my hard limits. I WON'T have sex in or out of a scene. It's ok to be attracted to people and still be a/allo/grey/sexual. What's important is what YOU feel you are. Labels are whatever you make them.

As for having sex, 1) do it safe, blah, blah, condoms, blah, 2) only do it if you're comfortable with it... Don't push yourself into doing something you don't want to. Don't let me talk you out of it, though. If you feel you need to do it to ascertain your sexuality, then give it a try. It's like a supposedly straight man who thinks he might be gay actually trying gay sex before calling themselves gay.

Anywho, welcome to the kinky side of AVEN!

[Ko.]

As it says in the first post, kink does NOT have to be sexual. It could just be fun, fulfilling and/or arousing to you without the need for sex to be involved. In fact many people separate their kinks from their sex lives (or non-sex life... Lol). Personally, I like to feel protected and cared for when I'm in a scene. Sex has nothing to do with it for me.

Protection and care are what draw me to it also, though I've never actually been brave enough to go to any munches. The idea of being entirely vulnerable and sub to a Mistress who adores me but isn't going to push me for sex is incredibly appealing, but I don't think I knew it was possible until seeing this thread.

[Lauren+Bear]

As it says in the first post, kink does NOT have to be sexual. It could just be fun, fulfilling and/or arousing to you without the need for sex to be involved. In fact many people separate their kinks from their sex lives (or non-sex life... Lol). Personally, I like to feel protected and cared for when I'm in a scene. Sex has nothing to do with it for me.

Protection and care are what draw me to it also, though I've never actually been brave enough to go to any munches. The idea of being entirely vulnerable and sub to a Mistress who adores me but isn't going to push me for sex is incredibly appealing, but I don't think I knew it was possible until seeing this thread.

The thing about munches is... Drum roll please... They're surprisingly normal. They're usually in public, so things can't get too crazy, and that's the point. Munches are supposed to be a safe place for new people to meet others that might share their interests with no pressure or strings attached.

:cake:

[KendraPM]

I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. I've been interested in kinks for years, but have never figured out a way to explore that side of me. Munches sound like a good place to start. Is there a way to find out where a munch is going to take place in your area?

Also, I know a lot of kinks are probably "if it sounds interesting, try it and see if you like it," and that's what I've imployed for the very little I've tried, but is there a way to really get a feel for what you'll most likely go for?