Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Ricki]

*incoming cheese status*
^This is why I love this thread. The hole in my body which made me insecure enough to search up about 'kinks without sex' helped me find this site, and just the relaxed attitude and general helpful/kindness on here makes me feel so much better. When I saw it start I was a bit concerned about looking in here or posting etc, but you guys are awesome about it all ^^

[Lauren+Bear]

*incoming cheese status*

^This is why I love this thread. The hole in my body which made me insecure enough to search up about 'kinks without sex' helped me find this site, and just the relaxed attitude and general helpful/kindness on here makes me feel so much better. When I saw it start I was a bit concerned about looking in here or posting etc, but you guys are awesome about it all ^^

We try. :) This thread was created to be a safe place for asexuals to discuss and learn about the lifestyle and to know it's ok and actually quite common (for sexuals and asexuals alike) to do scenes and be kinky without a sexual element.

[Lauren+Bear]

Ok, so here comes a long post... I'm going to try and keep everything simple and organized, but I'm notorious for going off tangent. :p

How to Spot a Predator 101:

Ok guys, story time... A non-explicit story, I promise.

Once upon a time there was an asexual, submissive girl who was very very very shy. Very. We'll call her Renee. Renee was very pretty and and small and this brought her a lot of attention at her local club. Renee was liked and cared for by many people at her club who understood that she was asexual and very shy, but not everyone understood what asexual meant. She was very happy to explain it to people and she was very upfront about her sexuality (or lack thereof). Her only flaw was that she had a hard time turning people down or saying no, but she played with many experienced doms who were careful with her and made her feel safe. She always took her time to get to know someone before playing, but that isn't what this story is about...

Now, like most villains, let's call him Lord Creeper, Lord Creeper picked his victim out of a crowd before approaching her. He looked at Renee and saw that she was soft spoken, small, maybe a little unsure of herself, and most importantly, had a difficult time telling someone to back off.

The first time Lord Creeper approached Renee, it was very quick and friendly. He said, "You look pretty in that dress," and moved on. Renee smiled and continued what she was doing without suspecting a thing.

A month or two goes by before Lord Creeper approached Renee again. This time, he started testing to see how far he could go. Renee had just finished with her after care from a scene, a time where she was probably still open and more vulnerable. Lord Creeper came up and complimented Renee on her scene. Renee thanked him and headed to the common room to get a cup of water. Lord Creeper followed and continued to start up a conversation. Early on he asked, "What are your kinks?" and Renee gave a half-hearted response about her kinks, but made sure to be clear that she was asexual and did not like sex. Lord Creeper pasted an interested look on his face, and without asking, grabbed Renee's hand and lead her to some chairs. Renee cautiously sat in the chair next to him, and Lord Creeper threw an arm around her shoulders and asked what Asexuality was. She happily responded and grew more comfortable as she spoke. Lord Creeper makes a passing comment about how he thinks Renee just hasn't had sex with the right partner yet, but then quickly moves on. Renee shrugs off his comment and continues on with the conversation. When she finishes her water, she gets up to refill her cup. Lord Creeper chooses to push her boundaries again and grabs her waist to pull her into a long hug. Renee is uncomfortable with this, but doesn't know what to do. She would feel guilty and rude if she told Lord Creeper to stop, so she stands there stiffly, waiting for him to stop. Once he releases her, she gets her water and moves on. She doesn't see Lord Creeper again that night.

Two weeks pass before Lord Creeper comes back. He sees that Renee is in a scene with her shirt off. He stands by and circles the are where she is scening. As the scene winds down, Renee gets up and the dom leaves to get cleaning supplies. Lord Creeper swoops in and begins talking to Renee while she is topless and has not received after care. Renee remembers how uncomfortable she was last time they talked, but still doesn't want to seem rude. Trying to gain some distance and wanting to put her shirt back on, Renee makes a joke about being cold, but Lord Creeper was waiting for an opportunity like this and, before she could say anything, grabs her in a hug with her back to his chest, puts his hands on her breasts, and pushes his crotch into her backside. Renee freezes, still to scared to say anything, and the dom she'd been playing with hadn't returned yet. The "hug" goes on for a while before Renee wiggles out of the hold to grab her shirt and a blanket, telling Lord Creeper that she'd be right back. Obviously, Renee lied. She put her shirt on, and found the dom she'd been scening with. The dom told her to go grab the Manager on Duty (a step up from a dungeon monitor) and tell him what happened. Together, they went up to the MoD and Renee explained what happened. The dom and the MoD both spoke to Lord Creeper, who kept saying he hadn't done anything wrong, but still was never seen again. And Renee got her after care and lived happily ever after... After swearing she'd never let anything like that happen to her again... It could've been A LOT worse.

-------------

So what did we learn hmmmm?

1) Know the signs of a predator: won't respect boundaries, will keep pushing, approaches you during or right after a scene, won't accept responsibility, will make you feel guilty, etc...

2) If someone is creeping on you: nip it in the bud, get away, lie to the creeper that you have a master/someone is waiting for you, tell the dungeon monitor, scream, call RED... Loudly

3) if you are unsure of someone, it's ok to ask for references, or better yet, step back and ask someone YOU trust.

4) It's ok to say no. Keeping yourself safe is more important than appearing rude. Practice if you need to.

5) A good way of identifying potential predators is to make a list of traits from negative relationships in the past and a list of traits from positive relationships. Compare where the potential predator falls in the two lists.

[Lauren+Bear]

Ok, so here comes a long post... I'm going to try and keep everything simple and organized, but I'm notorious for going off tangent. :p

How to Spot a Predator 101:

Ok guys, story time... A non-explicit story, I promise.

Once upon a time there was an asexual, submissive girl who was very very very shy. Very. We'll call her Renee. Renee was very pretty and and small and this brought her a lot of attention at her local club. Renee was liked and cared for by many people at her club who understood that she was asexual and very shy, but not everyone understood what asexual meant. She was very happy to explain it to people and she was very upfront about her sexuality (or lack thereof). Her only flaw was that she had a hard time turning people down or saying no, but she played with many experienced doms who were careful with her and made her feel safe. She always took her time to get to know someone before playing, but that isn't what this story is about...

Now, like most villains, let's call him Lord Creeper, Lord Creeper picked his victim out of a crowd before approaching her. He looked at Renee and saw that she was soft spoken, small, maybe a little unsure of herself, and most importantly, had a difficult time telling someone to back off.

The first time Lord Creeper approached Renee, it was very quick and friendly. He said, "You look pretty in that dress," and moved on. Renee smiled and continued what she was doing without suspecting a thing.

A month or two goes by before Lord Creeper approached Renee again. This time, he started testing to see how far he could go. Renee had just finished with her after care from a scene, a time where she was probably still open and more vulnerable. Lord Creeper came up and complimented Renee on her scene. Renee thanked him and headed to the common room to get a cup of water. Lord Creeper followed and continued to start up a conversation. Early on he asked, "What are your kinks?" and Renee gave a half-hearted response about her kinks, but made sure to be clear that she was asexual and did not like sex. Lord Creeper pasted an interested look on his face, and without asking, grabbed Renee's hand and lead her to some chairs. Renee cautiously sat in the chair next to him, and Lord Creeper threw an arm around her shoulders and asked what Asexuality was. She happily responded and grew more comfortable as she spoke. Lord Creeper makes a passing comment about how he thinks Renee just hasn't had sex with the right partner yet, but then quickly moves on. Renee shrugs off his comment and continues on with the conversation. When she finishes her water, she gets up to refill her cup. Lord Creeper chooses to push her boundaries again and grabs her waist to pull her into a long hug. Renee is uncomfortable with this, but doesn't know what to do. She would feel guilty and rude if she told Lord Creeper to stop, so she stands there stiffly, waiting for him to stop. Once he releases her, she gets her water and moves on. She doesn't see Lord Creeper again that night.

Two weeks pass before Lord Creeper comes back. He sees that Renee is in a scene with her shirt off. He stands by and circles the are where she is scening. As the scene winds down, Renee gets up and the dom leaves to get cleaning supplies. Lord Creeper swoops in and begins talking to Renee while she is topless and has not received after care. Renee remembers how uncomfortable she was last time they talked, but still doesn't want to seem rude. Trying to gain some distance and wanting to put her shirt back on, Renee makes a joke about being cold, but Lord Creeper was waiting for an opportunity like this and, before she could say anything, grabs her in a hug with her back to his chest, puts his hands on her breasts, and pushes his crotch into her backside. Renee freezes, still to scared to say anything, and the dom she'd been playing with hadn't returned yet. The "hug" goes on for a while before Renee wiggles out of the hold to grab her shirt and a blanket, telling Lord Creeper that she'd be right back. Obviously, Renee lied. She put her shirt on, and found the dom she'd been scening with. The dom told her to go grab the Manager on Duty (a step up from a dungeon monitor) and tell him what happened. Together, they went up to the MoD and Renee explained what happened. The dom and the MoD both spoke to Lord Creeper, who kept saying he hadn't done anything wrong, but still was never seen again. And Renee got her after care and lived happily ever after... After swearing she'd never let anything like that happen to her again... It could've been A LOT worse.

-------------

So what did we learn hmmmm?

1) Know the signs of a predator: won't respect boundaries, will keep pushing, approaches you during or right after a scene, won't accept responsibility, will make you feel guilty, etc...

2) If someone is creeping on you: nip it in the bud, get away, lie to the creeper that you have a master/someone is waiting for you, tell the dungeon monitor, scream, call RED... Loudly

3) if you are unsure of someone, it's ok to ask for references, or better yet, step back and ask someone YOU trust.

4) It's ok to say no. Keeping yourself safe is more important than appearing rude. Practice if you need to.

5) A good way of identifying potential predators is to make a list of traits from negative relationships in the past and a list of traits from positive relationships. Compare where the potential predator falls in the two lists.

Aha! I knew I had it somewhere. Here's a list of 13 things to look out for... And some additional info I forgot about in the first post...

1) Are they who they say they are? Do they brag? Are they being too vague?

2) Do they understand the lifestyle? Do they accept responsibility and dangers of it?

3) Do they take safety seriously? Do they know what they're doing?

4) Do they present themselves honestly in their experience and desires?

5) Do they take responsibility for their actions/behaviors?

6) Are they willing to wait until you're comfortable with something or do they try to rush you?

7) Do they give honest, appropriate answers to negotiations and general getting-to-know-you questions? Do they hedge?

8) Are their behaviors consistent over time? Do they become more assertive or aggressive if you don't do what they want?

9) Do they respect your boundaries, limits, and relationships with others?

10) Do they want what you want in the relationship? Are your desires the same?

11) Are they arrogant, condescending, overconfident, or self-important?

12) Do they LISTEN to you and your boundaries?

13) Do they manage their emotions well, especially anger?

-------------

Other info I forgot to add:

Predators want to continue preying on people... Repeat offenders, if you will... So they're going to pick easy targets. They'll give up if a target seems too hard to get. Make yourself a harder target.

Some people don't know they are exhibiting predator behavior... Most do, though... Still, if the person is making you feel uncomfortable, it's ok to remove yourself from the situation.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Some people don't know they are exhibiting predator behavior... Most do, though... Still, if the person is making you feel uncomfortable, it's ok to remove yourself from the situation.

The whole writing is great, but this particular item is solid gold. And yes, most predators do know their behaviour isn't acceptable - but do it anyway. I have italicized and put in bold type the part of the above quote that is the most important for anyone in the scene to consider and remember.

[onoppurr]

hi all, and i am so happy to find this topic. i have known a lot longer that i into kink then i have known that i was a gray-a. honestly i think that when i do have sexual desires kink is always involved, so i think that messed up my perceptions a little. however i think i have things straightened out and i feel alot more comfortable with my self. i think that the predator awareness is something that can be used for vanilla relationships as well.

[Kauko]

So, first off, my apologies if someone else has already made any comments along this line; it's a very long thread and I can't claim to have read through the entire thing. Second, I'm brand new to this site, which leads me to my comment. I've been struggling to situate myself within the asexual spectrum because I definitely have sexual desires (and I've identified as gay since I was 14), but they have very little to do with plain old sex--in the sense of two (or more) people rubbing against or penetrating each other in some form. So, I'm fairly indifferent toward having sex in that sense. But I do experience sexual arousal with kinky type things, most specifically power dynamics between two or more men, which can involve people performing sexual acts or not. And to complicate things even more, even though I feel arousal from that, I still don't feel the need to actually engage in any kind of kinky/BDSM activities; I feel completely satiated taking care of myself to relieve that arousal, and I've passed the five year mark since I've had any sexual activity (with another person) and 10 years since I've dated anyone. So, as I said, my situation does leave me feeling a little lost in how to pin down my (a)sexuality.

[Lauren+Bear]

hi all, and i am so happy to find this topic. i have known a lot longer that i into kink then i have known that i was a gray-a. honestly i think that when i do have sexual desires kink is always involved, so i think that messed up my perceptions a little. however i think i have things straightened out and i feel alot more comfortable with my self. i think that the predator awareness is something that can be used for vanilla relationships as well.

Welcome. ^^ Might I offer some of the kinkiest cake on the internet? http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b2/ba/e2/b2bae232149ea7c898871ee6b282b2fd.jpg

So, first off, my apologies if someone else has already made any comments along this line; it's a very long thread and I can't claim to have read through the entire thing. Second, I'm brand new to this site, which leads me to my comment. I've been struggling to situate myself within the asexual spectrum because I definitely have sexual desires (and I've identified as gay since I was 14), but they have very little to do with plain old sex--in the sense of two (or more) people rubbing against or penetrating each other in some form. So, I'm fairly indifferent toward having sex in that sense. But I do experience sexual arousal with kinky type things, most specifically power dynamics between two or more men, which can involve people performing sexual acts or not. And to complicate things even more, even though I feel arousal from that, I still don't feel the need to actually engage in any kind of kinky/BDSM activities; I feel completely satiated taking care of myself to relieve that arousal, and I've passed the five year mark since I've had any sexual activity (with another person) and 10 years since I've dated anyone. So, as I said, my situation does leave me feeling a little lost in how to pin down my (a)sexuality.

Sounds like you may be a bit of a voyeur, maybe. Kinks/fetishes/whatever don't mean you have to have sex in that way or even perform those activities. They're just something that interests/arouses you in some way. There are some kinks I have that I'll never enact, but still arouse me to read or watch. For example, I love to read erotica about extreme humiliation and submission, but my psyche would never allow me to have a healthy relationship with those dynamics together even though I experience arousal from the idea of it.

[Kauko]

So, first off, my apologies if someone else has already made any comments along this line; it's a very long thread and I can't claim to have read through the entire thing. Second, I'm brand new to this site, which leads me to my comment. I've been struggling to situate myself within the asexual spectrum because I definitely have sexual desires (and I've identified as gay since I was 14), but they have very little to do with plain old sex--in the sense of two (or more) people rubbing against or penetrating each other in some form. So, I'm fairly indifferent toward having sex in that sense. But I do experience sexual arousal with kinky type things, most specifically power dynamics between two or more men, which can involve people performing sexual acts or not. And to complicate things even more, even though I feel arousal from that, I still don't feel the need to actually engage in any kind of kinky/BDSM activities; I feel completely satiated taking care of myself to relieve that arousal, and I've passed the five year mark since I've had any sexual activity (with another person) and 10 years since I've dated anyone. So, as I said, my situation does leave me feeling a little lost in how to pin down my (a)sexuality.

Sounds like you may be a bit of a voyeur, maybe. Kinks/fetishes/whatever don't mean you have to have sex in that way or even perform those activities. They're just something that interests/arouses you in some way. There are some kinks I have that I'll never enact, but still arouse me to read or watch. For example, I love to read erotica about extreme humiliation and submission, but my psyche would never allow me to have a healthy relationship with those dynamics together even though I experience arousal from the idea of it.

Hmm, I guess my only issue with the term voyeur for myself, is that my own personal understanding of the term is that is denotes someone who enjoys the very act of watching people, either openly or in secret. So, in that sense the voyeur is still a part of the fantasy. For me, though, it's as if I do not exist at all in the fantasy I've constructed; it's pure enjoyment of the participants in the fantasy and the power dynamics between them. If I throw myself into the mix at all, it generally ruins it for me. Coincidentally, right after making my post, I came across the threads on autochorissexualism, which very much rang true for how I experience my sexuality.

[Amy Ghost]

Halloo :)

Sorry if it is a silly question, but, how do you find if you have kinks and what ones?

And is it possible to mistaken sexual attraction? Maybe with feelings combined with something kinky? My datefriend isn't sure

[Schrecken]

Halloo :)

Sorry if it is a silly question, but, how do you find if you have kinks and what ones?

And is it possible to mistaken sexual attraction? Maybe with feelings combined with something kinky? My datefriend isn't sure

Basically kinks are any interests that are usually considered to be outside of typical "vanilla" sexual or romantic or activities. There are pretty long laundry lists of them out there if you do some searching. Some are obvious sexual acts while others really have little or nothing to do with sex. You might want to search for such lists and see if you have any interest in anything listed.

And they have nothing to do with sexual attraction, since that is a sexual interest in a person while kinks are activities that can be arousing with or without the presence of someone that you might be sexually attracted to. In other words, you can have kinky interests and not have a sexual partner or even any desire to engage in the kink with someone (some kinks just remain fantasy fodder for many people, both sexuals and asexuals, for various reasons).

[Ricecream-man]

I second Puss in boots here. You guys seem to be a fun community. Unfortunately, I can't see myself doing something like that unless I got extremely close to someone, and that's not planned for a while now xD

Just ignore my little lurking self in my corner over here

[tdkennard]

Was looking to see if there was anyone in the asexual community who also does age play. I'm trying to find my identity within the Ace community, but also discover where my interest in age play lies so I thought might as well kill two birds with one stone :3

[Tessc]

Was looking to see if there was anyone in the asexual community who also does age play. I'm trying to find my identity within the Ace community, but also discover where my interest in age play lies so I thought might as well kill two birds with one stone :3

I don't really remember seeing anyone on here mention it, but I count myself as a bit of a Baby Girl :) I don't regress, though.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Was looking to see if there was anyone in the asexual community who also does age play. I'm trying to find my identity within the Ace community, but also discover where my interest in age play lies so I thought might as well kill two birds with one stone :3

My demi girlfriend identifies as a babygirl and we also enjoy pet play. Her "little" persona is "Selena", and is a twelve and a half year old girl, who often stays with her "neighbour", my alter ego "Mr. Anderson". He takes care of her when she's unable to stay at her Aunt and Uncle's. IRL, my girl doesn't have a relationship with her messed up mother, and her father passed away several years ago, so she isn't comfortable with bringing either into the ageplay scenarios.

We have various other scenes we enjoy, too. That one, though, is our most common one.

[Lauren+Bear]

Aha! I found the secret to arm binding! Okay, reminder of the back story: I strained my rotator cuff a while ago and since then my shoulder has stiffened up on me quickly after having my arms tied behind my back...

But no more! I've been experimenting with different arm placements and angles, but the real key is to roll my shoulders forward during the tying instead of backwards. No more stiff shoulders for me! I can even do suspension again! :-) Yay me!

[Amy Ghost]

Hey again,

I had a look at a list with kinks and stuff and nothing felt appealing to me. Nothing at all that I'd feel like trying out. My datefriend has some. I promised that once we are together we could try some. But honestly after going through so many on that website, where there were surely tens of them, I'm afraid asking 'What if I won't like anything?' And what if I don't? What if we will try stuff and I won't like anything? I'd be just useless. It's scaring me a lot now

[Schrecken]

Hey again,

I had a look at a list with kinks and stuff and nothing felt appealing to me. Nothing at all that I'd feel like trying out. My datefriend has some. I promised that once we are together we could try some. But honestly after going through so many on that website, where there were surely tens of them, I'm afraid asking 'What if I won't like anything?' And what if I don't? What if we will try stuff and I won't like anything? I'd be just useless. It's scaring me a lot now

Often times that's the only way you will know if you like - or don't like, something, is to try it out. Some people have fantasies and when they try it out it just isn't what they thought it would be (in other words, best left as fantasy only), and other times, things you think aren't that great can be a lot of fun. And if you don't like it you don't have to ever do it again.

[Ricki]

Hey again,

I had a look at a list with kinks and stuff and nothing felt appealing to me. Nothing at all that I'd feel like trying out. My datefriend has some. I promised that once we are together we could try some. But honestly after going through so many on that website, where there were surely tens of them, I'm afraid asking 'What if I won't like anything?' And what if I don't? What if we will try stuff and I won't like anything? I'd be just useless. It's scaring me a lot now

Often times that's the only way you will know if you like - or don't like, something, is to try it out. Some people have fantasies and when they try it out it just isn't what they thought it would be (in other words, best left as fantasy only), and other times, things you think aren't that great can be a lot of fun. And if you don't like it you don't have to ever do it again.

Added to this though. If you are scared or uncomfortable with it then do not do it, no matter how much someone wants you to. It sounds kinda obvious, I know but it's easy to be suckered in and can be hard to say no. :)

[Lauren+Bear]

Hey again,

I had a look at a list with kinks and stuff and nothing felt appealing to me. Nothing at all that I'd feel like trying out. My datefriend has some. I promised that once we are together we could try some. But honestly after going through so many on that website, where there were surely tens of them, I'm afraid asking 'What if I won't like anything?' And what if I don't? What if we will try stuff and I won't like anything? I'd be just useless. It's scaring me a lot now

A lot of lists you'll see can get a little of extreme... And most things sound scarier than they are. As always, safety is always first in this community. An easy and non-scary places to start would be a simple pair of toy handcuffs, a gentle spanking with a hand, benwa balls, small lengths of cotton rope, a collar and leash, body painting... Just pick something that doesn't seem too scary. It's important to keep an open mind and talk with your datefriend about your fears, but also know that you shouldn't be pressured into doing anything that you really don't want to do. This is why safe words are so important... At this stage, stop should mean stop for you guys. You don't need to come up with some crazy word or something.

Kink is often misconstrued into this big and scary entity of extreme masochists and sadists, but kink can be anything from a massage in a cosplay outfit to rubbing ice cubes on nipples to what you see on websites...

[Frac]

I have a question. For how many people here are kinks a totally nonsexual thing, like some form of roleplay, and for how many of you is it in any way a sexual interest?

I'm not asking this in an ace elitist fashion, quite the opposite, because I've ID'd as ace for a while now due to my persistent lack of interest in sex, however, I have fetish-related turn ons. I still lack the need to do that stuff with anyone, though. There used to be a forum for people like this, who totally lacked that interest in sex, but had something else in its place, but there was no specific name for it, so I wondered if ID'ing as ace is actually even appropriate in this situation. I primarily do so out of utility, because, you know, the whole not wanting to do sexy stuff with people (nope, not kink stuff either) and wishing to communicate that to others, because just using "kinkster" or "fetishist" implies an interest in partnered, albeit unconventional, sexual activity. I don't wanna do any of that. Yeah, labels schmabels. I just don't wanna muddle the definition of ace if I happen to be using it inappropriately, because I want aces to be taken seriously. In essence, is this covered by the oft-repeated "arousal=/=attraction" stuff?

I definitely don't wanna go full hipster and invent a new sexuality either

[Kauko]

I have a question. For how many people here are kinks a totally nonsexual thing, like some form of roleplay, and for how many of you is it in any way a sexual interest?

I'm not asking this in an ace elitist fashion, quite the opposite, because I've ID'd as ace for a while now due to my persistent lack of interest in sex, however, I have fetish-related turn ons. I still lack the need to do that stuff with anyone, though. There used to be a forum for people like this, who totally lacked that interest in sex, but had something else in its place, but there was no specific name for it, so I wondered if ID'ing as ace is actually even appropriate in this situation. I primarily do so out of utility, because, you know, the whole not wanting to do sexy stuff with people (nope, not kink stuff either) and wishing to communicate that to others, because just using "kinkster" or "fetishist" implies an interest in partnered, albeit unconventional, sexual activity. I don't wanna do any of that. Yeah, labels schmabels. I just don't wanna muddle the definition of ace if I happen to be using it inappropriately, because I want aces to be taken seriously. In essence, is this covered by the oft-repeated "arousal=/=attraction" stuff?

I definitely don't wanna go full hipster and invent a new sexuality either

As I said in my post somewhere else in this thread, I'm pretty much the same way. I have no desire for partnered sex, vanilla or kinky, but I do get strongly turned on thinking about various kinky things, especially strong power dynamics between men. So my (non)sex life basically revolves around me taking care of myself, and I feel completely content with that. I even like to watch porn, since it easily lends itself to viewing in terms of power play. I'm fine with thinking of myself as asexual at this point, because it's basically true in terms of partnered sex and easier to tell people (I haven't 'come out' to anyone about it yet, though).

[Schrecken]

For me my kinks are sexual in the sense that I am aroused by them, but I've spent all of my life making do with relegating them to fantasy, art and writing. I have recently found a partner whom I have been indulging in some of my kinks with, and yes, when we play I do get turned on. But as far as sex goes, my primary interest is still the kinks. In other words, when I imagine being with this person I imagine doing kinky things with him rather than having sex with him. It appears likely that at some point I will have sex with him, but that idea really isn't much of a turn-on for me by itself (as I'd assume it would be for a non-kinky sexual). I'm basically neutral about it at this point. But because I ID as grey-a, this isn't too much of a conflict for me, as once in a blue moon I do experience something that would probably be considered to be sexual attraction. I also feel a sort of affection for this man, but how exactly that might be classified is still unknown to me.

He thinks that I "have the hots" for him, as he put it, and maybe I do in some weird kind of way, but I've never had a romantic and/or sexual relationship with anyone so I have no baseline to compare what I'm feeling against. It is hard for me to tease apart the attraction I have to the kinks vs. any attraction I might have to him, especially since the kinks came first. If there were no kinks involved, and I felt this way about someone, for me it would be a clear cut sexual attraction (but then again, without the kinks there really wouldn't be much in the way to arouse me anyway).

So yeah, for those of us who are aroused by our kinks (and especially those of us who choose to practice them with other people), that arousal can indeed blur the lines a bit IMO.

[Tessc]

I'm pretty much the same as Schrecken: yes, I get turned on by my kinks, but there is a severe lack of interest in having that satisfied by anyone else. At least one of my kinks really doesn't have to involve sex at all, for either sexual or asexual people, so for that part at least, my lack of interest doesn't matter. I identify as grey, so the fact that I can get turned on doesn't bother me at all.

I wouldn't worry too much about the definition of asexual, but have you considered that you may be grey? Different name, but on the same spectrum :)

[Frac]

I wouldn't worry too much about the definition of asexual, but have you considered that you may be grey? Different name, but on the same spectrum :)

If it's more appropriate, perhaps I should use that instead.

In some sense, I feel like my brain has just replaced sex with some random thing, but on that forum I mentioned, many people expressed experiencing some form of attraction towards others. Like, someone had a sneeze fetish or something, and when they were attracted to other people they wanted to see them sneeze, pretty much. I don't really get that with my fetish. It's not directed towards anyone. "Statistical outlier" would probably be the most accurate label for me

Great that I managed to spark some discussion! Kinks and fetishes are usually ignored when discussing sexuality, which, IMO, needs to change. I mean, sure, I get that what should primarily be communicated to other people is one's partner preference (which is why I currently ID as ace, because I prefer not doing anything at all with anyone), but that's kind of a narrow part of it, really. In a safe space such as the internet, this topic shouldn't be that taboo. :)

[WhenSummersGone]

Has anyone had any luck on any fetish sites? I tried FetLife but there wasn't a way to search for anyone. Maybe they changed that since I was there. I'm Demisexual but I'm still curious to try some things.

[Omitted]

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[Ricki]

Welcome ^^ Most people do a little introduction about themselves in the Welcome Lounge, but it isn't mandatory :)

It's great to see an Ace know they have kinks and so I help this thread can help you!

[Tessc]

Has anyone had any luck on any fetish sites? I tried FetLife but there wasn't a way to search for anyone. Maybe they changed that since I was there. I'm Demisexual but I'm still curious to try some things.

There are asexual groups you can join and I just did a search, there is a small number of demi groups as well. Unless you know a specific person's username on there, you can't search for them (stating the obvious, I know :/) It would probably also depend on where you are, if there's many people near you, etc. You can search your local area to see if there is :)

[Schrecken]

Has anyone had any luck on any fetish sites? I tried FetLife but there wasn't a way to search for anyone. Maybe they changed that since I was there. I'm Demisexual but I'm still curious to try some things.

Fetlife has a weird way of running searches (for pretty much anything, much less people), but you can kind of get around that by looking up various fetishes and interests, and finding groups (and events, sometimes) that focus on those. Then, in many of the groups there is a personal ad thread where you can look thru and find people with those interests. Or, you can try to meet people locally (which is easy to do on Fet, as they list groups by locality). This local approach worked charmingly for me, since I've met some really nice people and also my current kink partner. Fetlife is deliberately set up so as not to work as a dating site, but as said, you can still use it to find people. Also, I've seen actual BDSM dating sites mentioned in various places on Fet, so that could give you a starting point.