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Kink, BDSM, and Cake


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Strange question y'all... Has anyone actually SEEN a bdsm clum like you read in books? You know, where it's operated like a dance club and has it's own bar/restaurant... Maybe even has pro-dom/mes and pro-subs? Private rooms?

I really need my brain checked. This has been driving me up the wall with curiosity. Which brings me to another question... Do you wish bdsm-themed books should be more realistic in regards to relationships/clubs/scenes/behavior or is the fictional/fantasy quality part of the draw to these types of books? Why?

I'm on a kinky gay romance fix. Lol.

*club

How the hell did auto-correct get "clum"????????

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In my very limited experience I must say that no, I've never seen a club like that before. I've only been to two parties, and not even the public one came close to that. I would imagine that they exist, though probably mostly in big cities. There's a really large play space not far from where I live but I've yet to go to an event there, but based on what I've heard about it I don't think it is like what you see in the movies or books.

As for the pros, many in the local scene here tend to frown on them (at least as far as being a part of the scene). I have heard of some play spaces having private rooms, though.

For fictional books and stories, I don't have a problem them lacking the normal BDSM protocols (consent, safe words, negotiations, other safety concerns, etc) because being that they are fiction it would seem that the purpose is not to educate, but rather serve as nothing more than a fantasy. There's the whole huge argument about "50 Shades" (which I haven't read) not being true to the lifestyle, but then again, any story that is fictional that stays true to real life might end up being rather boring and lose the element of fantasy. I guess it would be kind of like people wanting other kinds of erotic literature to be totally realistic. If it was, it probably wouldn't sell.

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I'm not sure big cities even have one. The premiere dungeon in Nashville consists of a common area, 2 bathrooms, a "snack room", and a large, furnished play space. Everything is public. Pro-doms/subs are considered prostitution in Tennessee, so obviously none of those. There's no alcohol served either. The only similarity I've seen club wise is that it's run by invitation only. The address isn't even listed on their website. Obviously there are dungeon monitors for safety, too, but compared to the crazy fantasy bouncer-esque type DMs in books, they're nothing alike.

The dungeon's website, complete with pictures of the play space (100% clean): http://www.themarkbycpi.com/index_files/facilities.htm

I haven't read 50 Shades either. I think the real bdsm scene's problem with 50 Shades is that it's the first bdsm themed book to gain national attention. It's causing an epidemic of under-educated people flooding their local dungeons performing very dangerous, even life-threatening, behaviors. Of course, there's also that elitism of, "we were flogging people before it was cool" with the older generations, too.

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There's a Hellfire Club in Sydney (2 1/2 hours from me) that caters to beginners. There's no pros there, but they seem to want to provide a space for people to get into the scene. The Masters/Mistresses from the private parties show up there and the patrons who want to get more into the scene are put in touch with them. All the good scenes in Sydney are private parties.

I tried to read 50 Shades, but it was too poorly written for me to even get to the supposedly "good bits". :/

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Yeah,never since it came out, my dungeon has been hosting a lot more classes for beginners and 50 Shade-ers. More munches, too.

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I've read snippets but it's just too bad to read. Like I got through twilight, and fifty shades is worse. Apparently it was a bad twilight fan-fic that just had all the characters swapped out. >_>

No clue how people manage to publish stuff like that and make it so popular.

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I've read snippets but it's just too bad to read. Like I got through twilight, and fifty shades is worse. Apparently it was a bad twilight fan-fic that just had all the characters swapped out. >_>

No clue how people manage to publish stuff like that and make it so popular.

The more "dumbed down" the piece is, the bigger reader base it's going to have for a couple of reasons 1) you pull in more people because of the lower reading level... Meaning younger readers will be able to read it 2) it is considered a quick and easy read for busy people, so they're more likely to buy easier to read books than harder ones 3) that writing style has become popular thanks to Twilight and it literally rots your brain (your brain looses it's elasticity for retaining and comprehending more complex sentences and words amd makes it harder to understand books of a higher reading level than you're used to).
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I read a lot of super complex stuff and it just makes the books seem so childish and absurd. It is written purely for the sex, and the sex isn't even that good. I can write better sex scenes >_>

But you are right and I am now just ranting. The easier to read the larger the reading base, but I'll stick to my Dan Abnett and David Weber and Pratchett. So many better books existed, wish I taught a modern lit class or was capable of teaching one. I'd have so many good books for people to read.

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Spectre/Ex/Machina

Im a dom/top sadist, i love to control, i love to watch(with consent ofcourse), and lite roleplay.

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Wait, to go back to the very first post, can I see a picture of our death by chocolate cake?

I like reading about power play.

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pegasusoftraken

I haven't read any bdsm-themed books, but been to clubs that have dance floors and not quite private rooms but more enclosed areas. A lot of the clubs here just hire out a nightclub for an evening, so bars and drinking tend to be a part of every club around me, which has its issues at times. Pro-dommes/pro-subs tend not to be allowed by club owners though.

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Wait, to go back to the very first post, can I see a picture of our death by chocolate cake?

I like reading about power play.

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b2/ba/e2/b2bae232149ea7c898871ee6b282b2fd.jpg

Oh, that's . . . wow. I am certainly not going to be greeting people with that one.

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Wait, to go back to the very first post, can I see a picture of our death by chocolate cake?

I like reading about power play.

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b2/ba/e2/b2bae232149ea7c898871ee6b282b2fd.jpg

Oh, that's . . . wow. I am certainly not going to be greeting people with that one.

Lol.. Ok, sorry. How's this? http://cdnpix.com/show/230176230925458355_csLjrUKQ_c.jpg

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Wait, to go back to the very first post, can I see a picture of our death by chocolate cake?

I like reading about power play.

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b2/ba/e2/b2bae232149ea7c898871ee6b282b2fd.jpg

Oh, that's . . . wow. I am certainly not going to be greeting people with that one.

Lol.. Ok, sorry. How's this? http://cdnpix.com/show/230176230925458355_csLjrUKQ_c.jpg

Lol. Better. Don't worry, I love the first cake too. It will just scare and confuse people in the welcome section, is all.

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OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

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the bumbling rotifer

Best $0.99 you'll ever spend on a short, sweet, to the point guide about the real world of kink, fetishes, and bdsm. It's an easy and informational read for beginners (dominant and submissive alike).

How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K

Thanks for the recommendation Lauren+Bear.

I read it, and it really helped me come to terms with the fact that although I'm a submissive on the verge of entering the highly intimidating world of kink, I *can* and *should* do kink only on my own terms, and at whatever pace I'm comfortable with. I'm a lot less intimidated now, and probably a lot more likely to pluck up the courage to go to my first munch next month (last month I chickened out).

Thanks also to everyone who's been posting in this thread: reading through all of the posts has helped me travel massive distance in terms of coming to terms with my kinky self. In gratitude I bring digital cake :cake:.

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OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

Yes, you can indulge in your kink and not actually have sex (though it might be a little harder finding a partner, especially a long term one, who is OK with you not having sex). As for sex being necessary, it isn't. True, Fet is a sexually charged community for sure, but just because you are on there looking for play partners or more committed relationships doesn't mean you have to have sex. There are people in the kink community who are fine with not having sex with play partners, even though they are sexual (usually this is because they are in a relationship with one person and only have sex with that one person, or they may be poly and have sex with some partners and not others, etc). They might be a little harder to sort out but they are there (I know, because I found one, and rather quickly at that - I met him at my very first munch).

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So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Definitely possible for an Aro-Ace to have kinks, BDSM ≠ sex. And in the same sence, added romance would be situational :)

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pegasusoftraken

OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

It's perfectly possible, though Fetlife can be a bit off putting at times with so many people being very sex focused. Being aro-asexual might make finding play partners a bit more complicated, though that also depends on what you're looking for. It's fairly common for people on Fetlife or in the kink community to play in a completely non-romantic and non-sexual context, particularly where its a casual arrangement or in a club. For anything longer-term or more committed then I agree with what Schrecken said - that some people in sexual relationships are happy having additional non-sexual regular play partners, but otherwise it can be tricky. At least in my local area, Fetlife and the kink community is somewhat biased towards people who have casual play/relationships - the people I know in committed relationships overall tend to be less involved in the local scene.

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OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

Welcome to the dark side. Lol. :p have the kinkiest cake on the internet: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/b2/ba/e2/b2bae232149ea7c898871ee6b282b2fd.jpg

Best $0.99 you'll ever spend on a short, sweet, to the point guide about the real world of kink, fetishes, and bdsm. It's an easy and informational read for beginners (dominant and submissive alike).

How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K

Thanks for the recommendation Lauren+Bear.

I read it, and it really helped me come to terms with the fact that although I'm a submissive on the verge of entering the highly intimidating world of kink, I *can* and *should* do kink only on my own terms, and at whatever pace I'm comfortable with. I'm a lot less intimidated now, and probably a lot more likely to pluck up the courage to go to my first munch next month (last month I chickened out).

Thanks also to everyone who's been posting in this thread: reading through all of the posts has helped me travel massive distance in terms of coming to terms with my kinky self. In gratitude I bring digital cake :cake:.

This was written by a leader in my local community. This book is basically what I was told in my first BDSM 101 class. Indeed, everything is in your ultimate control. You should never be forced into doing anything outside your comfort zone. Munches are always a great start because you get to see people like you in a normal environment, so it's not as shocking as seeing someone in full fetish gear. Lol. They're also a safe place to start because it's all in public.

I was thinking of writing a large post on how to spot predators in the kink community. And how to say no. Both of those come hard to me. It wasn't until I had been sexually assaulted that I did some hardcore work to change that about myself. Anyone interested?

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I'm sorry you had to go through that Lauren+Bear. :( *virtual hugs* Yes, thank you, I'd be very interested! ^_^

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the bumbling rotifer
I was thinking of writing a large post on how to spot predators in the kink community. And how to say no. Both of those come hard to me. It wasn't until I had been sexually assaulted that I did some hardcore work to change that about myself. Anyone interested?

If you do write it, I'd really, really like to read it, Lauren+Bear.

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Feral_Sophisticate

I just had a realisation that I want to add masks to the no-no list >.>

I actually just wanted to post on here but I had nothing constructive to say..

Who cares if it's constructive. Lol. :) Post away!

What kind of masks? Clown masks, blindfolds, those silly Mardigras masks, the leather/latex hoods? And is it you wearing the mask or the other person? And why? I haven't tried masks, personally, so I'm curious.

Blindfolds are fun. I rarely use them on my girl, as she often gets off on seeing what I'm doing to her - even if she's gagged and bound, and unable to do more than squirm and squeal through her gag.

I will, at times, blindfold her too, as the extra element of sensory deprivation can push her over the edge even further - but she's not always comfortable with that. I obviously indulge when and where appropriate.

I have an "executioners hood" that I sometimes wear, especially when we're playing out a kidnapping or torture scene. It looks really awesome, too - to both of us (and if you're on FetLife, I have that image shared - feel free to check it out).

:-S I'm conflicted. One of my frequent (as in weekly) play partners has asked if we could add a hitachi wand vibrator to our usual rope and sensation play. On the one hand, I trust him and I love vibrators and he strictly said that there would be nothing penatrative (he knows and accepts my Asexuality), but on the other, I've never orgasmed in front of anyone before (and I'm rather messy and self contious about it) and I've never done anything so ummm... Sexual, for lack of a better term, with someone for years... Not to mention he's twice my age. I'm not sure if I should try it again or not... Thoughts?

Like others have said, go with what you're comfortable with. A considerate partner will respect your boundaries, regardless of their own agenda, concerns, or fetishes.

Strange question y'all... Has anyone actually SEEN a bdsm clum like you read in books? You know, where it's operated like a dance club and has it's own bar/restaurant... Maybe even has pro-dom/mes and pro-subs? Private rooms?

I really need my brain checked. This has been driving me up the wall with curiosity. Which brings me to another question... Do you wish bdsm-themed books should be more realistic in regards to relationships/clubs/scenes/behavior or is the fictional/fantasy quality part of the draw to these types of books? Why?

I'm on a kinky gay romance fix. Lol.

*club

How the hell did auto-correct get "clum"????????

Yes, such clubs do exist. I've been to events locally where it's a fetish night (with D/s scenes playing out), with dancing afterwards. Some venues serve alcohol during the scene time, and others don't serve it until the D/s elements are complete. It really depends on the venue and event. Personally? I don't indulge in anything more than 1 drink when scening. For the safety of my partner(s)/victim(s), I hold myself fully accountable for what happens, and can't do that if I'm not 100% in control of my own faculties.

OK. I've read the entirety of this thread and my mind has been blown. I repeat - blown.

Again (I do seem to be repeating the same old mistakes lately), I thought I was alone in having kinky tendencies. And I'd also made the mistake of confusing sex with kink.

So it is possible to be an aro-asexual AND, ahem, indulge?

Wow. I dabbled very, very lightly in FetLife aeons ago, but couldn't get my head around the idea that sex is necessary, and I didn't want sex. Whoops?!

I've not actually acted on any of my kinky imaginings, but since in life generally, I'm a bit of a control freak, I am utterly fascinated with the idea of being a submissive. I would adore being told what to do, being controlled, restricted, blindfolded, tied down - but no pain, no needles, no cutting, nothing like that.

When I'm in my mind, letting my imagination go down that route, I am utterly bewitched.

Sex and kink are not necessarily linked. Sure, they CAN be, but they need not be.

The stuff that I do with my girl - for the most part - are like sex, to her. After all, if she can hit her "happy place" through it, that's not that different from what sex itself offers. The power exchange, feeling helpless and the sweet surrender really does it for her.

Yes, you can indulge in your kink and not actually have sex (though it might be a little harder finding a partner, especially a long term one, who is OK with you not having sex). As for sex being necessary, it isn't. True, Fet is a sexually charged community for sure, but just because you are on there looking for play partners or more committed relationships doesn't mean you have to have sex. There are people in the kink community who are fine with not having sex with play partners, even though they are sexual (usually this is because they are in a relationship with one person and only have sex with that one person, or they may be poly and have sex with some partners and not others, etc). They might be a little harder to sort out but they are there (I know, because I found one, and rather quickly at that - I met him at my very first munch).

Yes, the do exist, and my girl met me through a play party (prior to, but it wouldn't have happened if we weren't both attending the same event to begin with).

From the beginning, I was looking for building relationships without sex muddying the waters (yes, not all of us that identify as sexual are raging sex addicts) - and found what I wanted.

It's perfectly possible, though Fetlife can be a bit off putting at times with so many people being very sex focused. Being aro-asexual might make finding play partners a bit more complicated, though that also depends on what you're looking for. It's fairly common for people on Fetlife or in the kink community to play in a completely non-romantic and non-sexual context, particularly where its a casual arrangement or in a club. For anything longer-term or more committed then I agree with what Schrecken said - that some people in sexual relationships are happy having additional non-sexual regular play partners, but otherwise it can be tricky. At least in my local area, Fetlife and the kink community is somewhat biased towards people who have casual play/relationships - the people I know in committed relationships overall tend to be less involved in the local scene.

Yes, and no. I'm in a committed relationship, but I'm quite active in the local scene. However, I've always been an extrovert, and enjoy teaching others, so being involved lets me do both. Besides, I like helping people new to the scene learn safely.

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You missed the chance to say you liked teaching people to "learn the ropes".

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Feral_Sophisticate

You missed the chance to say you liked teaching people to "learn the ropes".

I specifically chose not to. It gets to be a bit of a cliche. :P

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Don't resist the power of the puns, the them seep through you. Join the dark side.

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Join the dark side.

And here I thought that's kinda what this thread was all about ;)

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Feral_Sophisticate

Don't resist the power of the puns, the them seep through you. Join the dark side.

If you've seen my FetLife profile, you'd realize that I am the dark side... :ph34r:

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