Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[RandomAce8701]

6 hours ago, Ephyra said:

Parties of any kind have never been my thing and play parties almost certainly won't be. I'd like to find friendship, trust, and mutual attraction with someone who shares my interests or is open to indulging them (and doesn't have needs that repel me), for a relationship or low-commitment exploration. I'm also interested in just talking with people who share my interests; the most sexually-thrilling experience I've ever had was swapping vore fantasies with a friend when we were young teens. 

 

Instead, I'm getting mostly-nice messages from men with incompatible fetishes and/or geographic locations outside my hometown. I was initially flattered that anyone was intrigued by my self-description, even though they don't know my appearance because my profile picture is a mermaid keychain ornament. But I worry that it might start to feel like the type of big-name dating site I was never willing to join, where men bombard women with impersonal and agressive messages. Claiming to be lesbian might not deter them and would be untrue, even though I'm preferentially seeking to date women right now.

 

I stated hoping to try dating at the beginning of 2020, then put all efforts aside for two years while waiting for the COVID pandemic to end. Now it seems COVID is here to stay, so my choices are to accept some risk or give up forever. I hoped to meet people this spring/summer when we could at least begin with socially-distanced outdoor activities (I live in a temperate climate), but had no luck on the Lex and Zoe dating apps (I've gotten lots of right-swipes on Zoe, but mostly from women living far away), and the warm season is slipping away. Even pre-COVID; I've been very germphobic and wondered if this would make most physical intimacy too anxiety-provoking, even with usage of barriers in sex. This germphobia, plus fear of the pain I have reason to believe I'd get from penetrative sex, *might* be the only reasons for my feelings of revulsion toward most sex acts and my uncertainty whether I could enjoy any kind of sex with actual people. 

I don't attend "parties" either; they are difficult for me too because autism, loud music, loud noise from too many people, etc. "Play parties" are not a part of my life any more. I suspect that means kink isn't going to be a part of my life either, but for now I'll keep my toy collection just in case.

 

I believe we will eventually have good vaccines for Covid that prevent transmission and beat all variants. Several are in trials or going to start soon but it will probably still take years. We'll probably need more monkeypox vaccinations. But it's a long time to wait if you're lonely (fortunately I'm not for now).

 

Mess and hygiene are also major issues with sex for me, but also I really don't want a contraception failure; I'll probably get the obvious surgical fix at some point. Sex in films etc used to be very off-putting; less so now but there may still be a visceral repulsion element, but I don't need to justify my repulsion for it to be valid!

 

Anyway thanks for sharing! It is good to compare notes with another grey ace with similar but clearly different issues. I wish you every happiness. 🙂

Edited August 6, 2022 by Matthew42
Minor clarifications, avoid implying disinformation

[Hauntpsychic]

I've been exploring my kinky side online till I feel brave enough to do it irl. Been really fun exploring my sexuality that way

[Cakes]

I'm so glad to come across this thread! One of the reasons why I was struggling to fully understand my asexuality is I happen to have these kinky ideas/fantasies (not sure what they really are) and I've always thought that this would have to end up with sex... and as soon as sex comes up, it ruins it for me.

[batmmann5]

6 hours ago, Eff said:

I'm so glad to come across this thread! One of the reasons why I was struggling to fully understand my asexuality is I happen to have these kinky ideas/fantasies (not sure what they really are) and I've always thought that this would have to end up with sex... and as soon as sex comes up, it ruins it for me.

Welcome.  Yes, we exist.  Laugh.  Brian

[Cakes]

4 hours ago, batmmann5 said:

Welcome.  Yes, we exist.  Laugh.  Brian

Aha, thank you, Brian 😊 

[Eutierria]

Making out is considered a kink ? Is this common knowledge ? 

 

 

[Libellule]

Well today I learned that some people say they like liquorice to express they're into kink...I suppose you can contrast it to vanilla but still feels like a strange analogy to me 🤔

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Libellule said:

Well today I learned that some people say they like liquorice to express they're into kink

Such a shame I don't really like actual liquorice too much then. Neither does my partner... I went through a whole container of jelly beans he had and picked out all the liquorice ones cos he hates them. 😂

 

I'll take kink over liquorice, please. 

[Sister Mercurial]

9 hours ago, Libellule said:

Well today I learned that some people say they like liquorice to express they're into kink...I suppose you can contrast it to vanilla but still feels like a strange analogy to me 🤔

I suppose, depending on the form of the liquorice, it might look like a whip?  

 

But no, I don't literally like liquorice, so I wouldn't use that term.  

 

And the one munch I've so far been to had a tin of mushy peas on the table as an identifier, which I suspect will leave even more people scratching their heads.  

[Ceebs]

10 hours ago, Sister Mercurial said:

I suppose, depending on the form of the liquorice, it might look like a whip?  

Yep, that was my thought as well.

 

I prefer a riding crop to a whip, though.

[Ceebs]

Also, the mushy peas thing just made my day. So British... 😂

[Ben Gray]

On 3/29/2022 at 5:03 AM, Ceebs said:

I either never open up to you or you know 80% of my life's story within a day or so. 😂

I feel so heard 😅

[Lockpick82]

Can someone explain non-sexual kinks to me? I think I have a couple, but I don't know what vocabulary to use or what they mean or. How to get started engaging in them with my partner.

I know there's a degree of role-play involved. What do you do if you're too shy? How do you ask for something when you don't think your partner would get anything out of it?

 

Thanks~!

[Cakes]

35 minutes ago, Lockpick82 said:

How do you ask for something when you don't think your partner would get anything out of it?

I'm sorry can't answer your other questions but this one....when two people are doing something together then I'd see it as they're both trying to please each other. What the other person gets out of it (personally) is seeing you enjoy yourself or have fun and that may be just the thing they need from you or by doing what you ask. Take turns in asking, I guess? 

[Lockpick82]

52 minutes ago, Cakes said:

I'm sorry can't answer your other questions but this one....when two people are doing something together then I'd see it as they're both trying to please each other. What the other person gets out of it (personally) is seeing you enjoy yourself or have fun and that may be just the thing they need from you or by doing what you ask. Take turns in asking, I guess? 

Thank you! That does make sense when you put it like that 😃

[The Butterfly Composer]

Fascinating, once again. I see there is a percentage quiz (no doubt sharing data with lovely people), where might you find that?

[Libellule]

2 hours ago, The Butterfly Composer said:

Fascinating, once again. I see there is a percentage quiz (no doubt sharing data with lovely people), where might you find that?

Do you mean this one? bdsmtest.org

[genex]

well yesterday was the Folsom Street Fair here in San Francisco and I had a great time checking it out.  I wore my aro/ace pride bandana and ace ring but don't think many noticed or knew what it meant.  Didn't see any other aces there though it's not quite the place you'd expect to see many of us I guess.  Was some interesting new kinks I discovered there though.  The latex bondage was pretty intriguing! 

[Sister Mercurial]

OK, here's a problem and a half and as far as I can tell, I can't do anything about it, can I?  From time to time, I look at a site for the niche kink.  Because it's something that's not necessarily sexual, there are lots of videos that surface of it in a non-sexual way.  And that's great ... but yesterday, one of those videos that wound up on there (an advert for some random gadgets: the link between product and theme was extremely tenuous) featured a woman I sort of know and I know some other members of her family.  So now all the smutty jokes various horndogs are posting about it are making me v. uncomfortable and I'm wondering if she did that because she wanted to or if she fell on hard times.  

[Eutierria]

Can someone explain to me what big/small space is & why people do it ? I tried Googling but results came up with architecture & housing structures which doesn't answer my question. Is this the same as a partner calling someone baby/daddy/mummy within a relationship? I've never understood this. I think if someone tried to call me any of those, it would creep me out. I don't kink shame, I just want to understand. 

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ceebs]

@somebody00 Yeah sometimes the results can come with some surprises that don't make sense lol. The top ones are always accurate for me, but then I'll get 3% or whatever on a kink I have zero interest in or may actually find kind of repulsive, and I'm like... wtf?? 🤨 I figure some questions must be intended to measure your interest in a particular kink and you're interpreting it slightly differently, in relation to a different tendency you have.

 

Now I kinda want to redo mine lol, except it hasn't been longer than I few months since I last took it I don't think. I just enjoy thinking about filth. 😂

[Guest]

@Ceebs Do you like Shibari art?

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, somebody00 said:

@Ceebs Do you like Shibari art?

I think it's really visually interesting yeah, definitely quite artistic looking. I feel like I might not enjoy being tied like that myself, though. Between sensory issues and some trauma stuff, anything too restrictive makes me freak out. There's a certain level of... restraint... that I enjoy, like this is a thing I own (not sure why I've bothered saving the box lol):

 

 

And handcuffs can be fun. 😁

 

But anything restricting my whole body is a bit much for me. I agree shibari is quite visually appealing, though.

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I'm sub, that's about as much as a kink as I have. I don't really care about most kinks.

 

"

90%

Submissive"

[Guest]

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[Eutierria]

3 minutes ago, Notaradish said:

Depends on what exactly you're referring to. One's "headspace" refers to the mindset/state of mind you get in when you engage in a kink. For example littlespace, subspace, petspace, domspace etc.

 

Ageplay is a roleplay where you take on an age other than your chronological age. Frequently it's a younger age, anywhere from infantry to a child to a teenager. Here you'll find labels like baby, little, middle, big, mommy/daddy/caregiver. This is where littlespace applies, the mindset you enter when you roleplay a younger age. How one engages in it varies, it can be wearing diapers, playing with blocks or crayons. Wearing kids clothes, eating kid food, watching cartoons. Speaking and behaving like a child. Lots of possibilities. It can be sexual or nonsexual.

 

However the terms daddy/mommy, girl/boy, brother/sister aren't always used in the context of ageplay. For example in gay male spaces, "daddy" can simply refer to someone who tops or takes charge during sex, or someone who's older/more experienced or whose seen as a fatherly figure. Or it can be explicitly used as part of an ageplay dynamic like DD/lb (daddydom/littleboy).

 

It varies and these terms and dynamics can overlap in many ways which can make things confusing. And as such, the reasons why people do it will also vary. Note that I don't ageplay myself and I've never been called a daddy before, I've only read about it from content on fetlife. So I can't give as direct of an explanation as the people who actually have the kinks could.

 

But I often hear that for age players it can be relaxing and calming to let go of adult responsibilities and just "let their inner kid out". Some feel they never really "grew up" and still enjoy things from their childhood. For some it could be like reclaiming their childhood. I read of a trans person who's ageplay helps them experience a childhood in the gender they are which they never got to have growing up. And for some it's a very clear fetish, it gets them off. It's how they're wired.

 

Also for some people they age regress which is different from ageplay since it's actually regressing their mental age and it's normally due to trauma.

 

For those who aren't ageplaying, maybe they like the deviant feel of it. Maybe they have a daddy/mommy complex and their partner fills that role. Or similar reasons as above.

Thanks for the explanation - gosh...that's very nuanced. 

[nutterwithasolderingiron]

so i've lately been thinking about kink and what i want from it. i keep coming back to the idea of a kinda sensual/soft domme. like the idea of being bound up and teased/played with as long as it doesn't involve penetration. 

 

the downside is, even when i considered myself "allosexual" i couldn't ever find anyone to dom me, even on fetlife. i was always forced into a dom role and whenever i asked to be the sub, i'd be told "but you're so good at being the dom" which was always a pain. i did post an ad on the local fetlife asking for a soft domme kinda thing but it's been met with silence. which makes me annoyed because i felt very emotionally vulnerable even asking such a thing.