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Kink, BDSM, and Cake

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aces_baby

@robynscrow I can relate to alot of what you're talking about.

 

On 8/4/2019 at 4:20 PM, robynscrow said:

i've been aware that i have kinks ever since i was around 14/15 and i masturbate pretty frequently, and the only thing that gets me going is depictions of some type of bdsm (i don't wanna specify but it's defo never vanilla sex), and i'm really uncomfortable watching porn/watching it happen which is why i turn to fanfiction so i can just leave out things in my imagination, because i find genitals just generally unpleasant, in all honesty.

That's essentially where I'm at. I too masturbate frequently, and require the presence of BDSM in some form to get turned on. I'm also not a fan of genitals, generally speaking, which I consider more gross than arousing.

 

On 8/4/2019 at 4:20 PM, robynscrow said:

i don't know whether that's because i've never been in a relationship/never made out with someone, or because i'm sex repulsed and/or asexual. i know that i don't really experience sexual attraction to PEOPLE, because i'm very comfortable masturbating to fanfiction about two gay men, and just looking at people doesn't do anything, i generally never think of my crushes sexually unless i actively steer my brain in that direction. i also don't really have the desire to just make out with someone/having a one night stand. it's always just the kinky stuff that gets me.

That sounds like asexuality to me. I have had crushes and enjoy the romantic stuff, like cuddling and kissing. The furthest thing from my mind is having sex with my crush. Kink, however, never fails to turn me on. The key point for me is that sexual attraction refers to being turned on by another person. Being turned on by BDSM is not being turned on by another person, so it doesn't fit that definition. I'm not turned on by other people, and therefore I'm ace.

 

On 8/4/2019 at 4:20 PM, robynscrow said:

now this is where the lines start to get blurry for me, because i think i wouldn't mind if the real thing then involving me and someone else doing bdsm stuff turns sexual in the way of using toys on me, me orgasming etc. and i do feel a strong desire to have a relationship to live the kinky side of me out (and i do like orgasms and need them at least every couple days tbh).

I feel ya there. I often wonder about trying out some of my BDSM fantasies in the real world. Again, I see no contradiction with being ace if I were turned on in a real-life BDSM situation with another person present, because it'd be the BDSM that's turning me on.

 

On 8/4/2019 at 4:20 PM, robynscrow said:

but i really wouldn't want any kissing to happen (pecks are fine but anything involving bodily fluids is just gross to me), or me touching other people's/my boobs & parts being touched by things other than toys ( i don't know about strap ons but i don't think i'd feel very strongly about them, neither bad nor good because they're not.. somebody's body part y'know). i just don't know which box to fit me in. is this still asexuality? is this is still sex-repulsion? is this like... doable? is it just because i've never had the experience of how being intimate with somebody i like is?? 

This 100% sounds like asexuality to me. It sounds like you also might be aromantic (aro), which refers to lack of romantic attraction to anyone regardless of gender. I know I'm not aromantic, because I want to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands with whomever I have a crush on. Also, it's too early for me to rule out the possibility that I'm gray asexual (gray ace), because I've never been in an intimate relationship with someone long enough to know if any sexual feelings inside myself might develop after I emotionally bond with them.

 

Hope this helps 🙂

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Rosendust

 

Spoiler

Well, yesterday afternoon I got to experience a few things. However, what is the typical aftercare for bruising? Last night I took a soak, and sat in very warm water, no bath bomb, epsom salts of any kind.  

 

Edited by Rosendust
Whoops! Spelling!

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theV0ID
22 hours ago, Rosendust said:

 

  Hide contents

Well, yesterday afternoon I got to experience a few things. However, what is the typical aftercare for bruising? Last night I took a soak, and sat in very warm water, no bath bomb, epsom salts of any kind.  

 

Arnica gel/cream is fab for bruising. 

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Ferocious Cub

This discussion is way too long to read, so I am just jumping in at the beginning of August.  I hope that's okay...


@robynscrow You might try checking out some nonsexual kink stuff and see how you feel.  A lot of people don't mix their kink and sex at all.  That's perfectly fine.  Or to start out with kink, and then revisit the idea of sex down the road.  Some kink stuff people might do is... pain play (hitting is the most common, but there are a hundred different ways if you get creative), bondage (rope, etc.), domination/ submission, humiliation play, pet play, age play... There are really a hundred different kinks that aren't necessarily sexual.  The best way to meet kinksters is to go to a munch in your area.  This is like a social event for kinksters.  You can probably find one in your area by searching on Fetlife.com (warning for sexual imagery.  Unfortunately, there is no way around it on that site).  Yeah, a lot of kinksters are looking for sex, but you just need to make it clear that you aren't.  You will find your people.  And try to get to know your local community a little before you agree to play with anyone.  Talking to other kinksters will help you learn kink etiquette and how to keep an eye out for predators.

I wish you the best in finding some interactions you find satisfying!

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Ferocious Cub

@Kimchi Peanut

I've done wax play - just the once.  It was at a sort of instructional play party - they did a "learn wax play" night.  The low temperature ones were really pleasant.  It didn't hurt at all on my back - felt sort of like a massage.  To be honest though, I kind of liked the hotter ones.  I'm not a huge pain person, but hot wax isn't that painful.  It's a momentary shock but it cools really fast and doesn't burn the skin.  And as soon as you have a layer of wax on an area, it kind of protects you from the next drips.

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Ferocious Cub

@Kimchi Peanut

Now reading what everyone else has to say about wax... I guess I shouldn't say you CAN'T be burned by regular candles.  I certainly don't want to give you any dangerous advice.  It's just that I have a lot of experience lighting rooms with candles and occasionally I mess with the wax.  I've never burned my hands doing so.

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Serran
1 hour ago, Ferocious Cub said:

@Kimchi Peanut

I've done wax play - just the once.  It was at a sort of instructional play party - they did a "learn wax play" night.  The low temperature ones were really pleasant.  It didn't hurt at all on my back - felt sort of like a massage.  To be honest though, I kind of liked the hotter ones.  I'm not a huge pain person, but hot wax isn't that painful.  It's a momentary shock but it cools really fast and doesn't burn the skin.  And as soon as you have a layer of wax on an area, it kind of protects you from the next drips.

It depends on the type of wax and also how close the skin is / how sensitive the person is. The low temp ones are safer all around. 

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Ricki
20 hours ago, Serran said:

It depends on the type of wax and also how close the skin is / how sensitive the person is. The low temp ones are safer all around. 

but less exciting!

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Chef Remy

Know someone who is asexual and an active member of the BDSM community in the area. There are asexual groups on fetlife.

They say it is not sexual to them and because of that is not part of the equation. The focus is more on their masochist side, and their being a submissive, and their power dynamic. With her dom/domme.

She says it helps her connect with people more personally and deeply through BDSM then sex. Since she is asexual.

And finds it to be her escape and freeing. Says she has learned more about herself since she got involved in the BDSM community and it has helped her become more accepting of herself and confident.

Granted it may not be every bodies “cup of tea”. But for with an open mind willing try she recommends they go to munch and talk to people in the community and go to a play party. It may not be like what a lot of people think. One of the groups she is a member of on fetlife has rule of no sex at parties (no penis to vaginia).

She say BDSM is not sexually but more of energy and power exchange. Learning more about yourself and pushing your limits and exploring who you are.

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Rosendust
Spoiler

I have a quick question for everyone that's relatively good at crafting a scene. I have a milestone birthday coming up and I want to make it memorable for the both of us. And also, song suggestions would be helpful as well because he lives with 5 very inquisitive roomates(read:Nosy and very thin walls)! 

 

Edited by Rosendust
added thought

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Princess KittenSparkles

Ok, question for everyone here: How did you guys figure out (or develop?) your kinks/fetishes/etc. being asexual? I KNOW some asexuals can be sexual and whatnot; I'm saying, how did you (the individual) decide you like something and ended up pursuing it (while being ace)? I don't know how to word my question properly so this is probably confusing...

 

Like, how did you go, "I'm ace. I think I like being choked. Let me go explore that", without any hangups due to your sexuality? Also, what was your first experience like? How did you take it from online to reality?

I've read very little but I think I like some forms of BDSM IN THEORY. I can see how some things are enjoyed by people. But when I think about it IN PRACTICE (towards me)....loooool wtf is that there's just no way.  So, idk I'm curious about the journey you guys went through as asexuals navigating what is a VERY sexual space. (Again, I know asexuality is on a spectrum...)

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Bloc

I am grey ace, so my experience may be different.

 

I was interested in kink as a curiosity like sex while I was already in school. Some other pupils were kinky and I was listening interested when they told about their kinks, even though I didn't know the word. But this was nothing I applied to myself. It was just strange to me that others were repulsed by hearing about kink.

 

It took me more than ten years after leaving school until I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend to realize that I am kinky myself. He was kinky and I had newly divorced that I am grey Ace and was questioning if I am trans. So we talked a lot about what we like about sex and kink. It turned out to that our kinks did only match with bondage. We kept kink and sex separate as tried to navigate what kind of intimacy worked for us.

 

During pride weekend there was a info booth of a local munch next to the booth of the queer group at university, where I was doing my shift. So I started to talk to the people there and finally went there. It turned out that one of the organizers is grey ace themself. Now I am participating there regularly.

 

In the mean time I met my girlfriend with whom I explore bondage and other kinks and how we can work around gender dysphoria. With me having better understanding of my gender dysphoria we want to explore more what other kinds of intimacy besides bondage we can enjoy. In the local scene there are regular events where you can explore kink in non sexual settings. I also practice bondage with platonic friends, although not regularly. Online kink communities like FetLife are much more sexualized. There are people for whom sex and kink are closely linked, but in my experience there are also many who enjoy kink without sex.

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Bloc

Also I explored the online kink community after I was involved in the local community. I visit FetLife a few times per month as most of the content there is not really interesting to me mostly to see if people I know personally have posted new content. Especially a pet player who posts really nice images from their non-sexual pet play and a friend of them has some really hilarious ideas.

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RakshaTheCat
5 hours ago, Princess KittenSparkles said:

Ok, question for everyone here: How did you guys figure out (or develop?) your kinks/fetishes/etc. being asexual? I KNOW some asexuals can be sexual and whatnot; I'm saying, how did you (the individual) decide you like something and ended up pursuing it (while being ace)? I don't know how to word my question properly so this is probably confusing...

It had nothing to do with sex or getting aroused or anything erotic. I experienced fascination with some pain, blood, wounds and even death since I was like, hmm, four years old I guess?

 

5 hours ago, Princess KittenSparkles said:

Like, how did you go, "I'm ace. I think I like being choked. Let me go explore that", without any hangups due to your sexuality? Also, what was your first experience like? How did you take it from online to reality?

My first experience wasn't online because there wasn't much online back then. It was just me as a child imagining myself being wounded and bleeding and how neat (and scary and sad) it would feel to slowly die from those wounds.

 

I didn't think about it as a kink for a long time, since I thought kinks (and BDSM) are inherently sexual. I eventually explored fetlife because I wanted to learn how to play with sharp things safely, and now I know and can have some fun making cute wounds in my body. But that was only few years ago. Before that, I could only experience things in my imagination.

 

5 hours ago, Princess KittenSparkles said:

But when I think about it IN PRACTICE (towards me)....loooool wtf is that there's just no way

Well, what are you into? Hard to talk without not knowing what do you like... 😺

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batmmann5
On 10/22/2019 at 8:06 PM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

Ok, question for everyone here: How did you guys figure out (or develop?) your kinks/fetishes/etc. being asexual? I KNOW some asexuals can be sexual and whatnot; I'm saying, how did you (the individual) decide you like something and ended up pursuing it (while being ace)? I don't know how to word my question properly so this is probably confusing...

 

Like, how did you go, "I'm ace. I think I like being choked. Let me go explore that", without any hangups due to your sexuality? Also, what was your first experience like? How did you take it from online to reality?

I've read very little but I think I like some forms of BDSM IN THEORY. I can see how some things are enjoyed by people. But when I think about it IN PRACTICE (towards me)....loooool wtf is that there's just no way.  So, idk I'm curious about the journey you guys went through as asexuals navigating what is a VERY sexual space. (Again, I know asexuality is on a spectrum...)

I was always into bd/sm.  By the time I went to high school, I knew I wanted to be tied up or tie up the cheerleaders.  Laugh.  The term Asexuality is pretty new, or at least much more well known now.  Most of my life, I thought I just hadn't met the right woman.  I wasn't a virgin, but sex just seemed like a chore to me.  I was always like why can't we just do the bd/sm part and skip the sex?  Laugh.  About 6 years ago, someone referred me to the Asexual and Kinky Group on Fetlife and I was like, hey, maybe that is me.  I always liked rope, so no real reality/fantasy dynamic there, but the first time I was mummified, I was like, this is awesome.  That is my favorite way to be restrained.  Total compression and immobility and sensory deprivation.  Oh, what fun.  Brian

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Sevrn

What I enjoy about delving into kink, for me, is that it makes me question myself. In a good way. I have to honest about who I am and what I want and why. It's pretty liberating.

 

I found out new things about me recently. I shouldn't even say found out. It was always there but I wasn't looking at it straight on, just from an angle - an angle that made what it is look better than I thought it was at the time. 

 

I kinda just faced the fact that I'm one of those dominant littles/babygirls. I'm not into age play at all. Never been my thing, never will be. But, yeah, I always tried to have the more "grown up" persona of a female dominant. While I am a grown up and believe in being a responsible, mature, well rounded individual, I recognize that my approach to relationships always has an underlying tone of childlike-ness and innocence. It happens to be how I am in relationships, while also wanting to be the one in charge. I like it.

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Princess KittenSparkles
On 10/23/2019 at 4:35 AM, RakshaTheCat said:

Well, what are you into? Hard to talk without not knowing what do you like... 😺

So that's the thing. I don't...know? But I have always had a curiosity and an inkling of *maybe* I like something? But fear of things turning sexual have always steered me away from even a Google search because what is the point if I'm a sex-repulsed asexual and things will eventually lead that way? You know?

 

😂 I remember going to anime conventions as a kid and seeing people walk around with leather gear on or leashes and my poor innocent mind didn't know what it was but I remember always thinking "THAT'S AWESOME AND TOTALLY MAKES SENSE I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE DON'T WEAR THIS STUFF MORE OFTEN I WANT IT" 😂 and the same with cross-dressing men lmao. Something about seeing a guy in a cute skirt and heels have always made me blush and feel uncomfortable (in a good way).

 

I've always been the type to hit people (affectionately) but in my last relationship my ex-bf would ask me to hurt him in various ways and it felt good to do that. I always felt like "wait hold on...uhh that's not ok right?" and I would totally freak out thinking I was a pyschopath for liking that. Now that I'm reading this thread I realize it is not so weird and they are possible just kinks I am have...

 

So that's why I'm asking, as asexuals yourselves, how does one walk that highly-sexual territory? For me it's different, I'm sex-repulsed so I feel weird having this curiosity. 

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Princess KittenSparkles
3 hours ago, Sevrn said:

I kinda just faced the fact that I'm one of those dominant littles/babygirls. I'm not into age play at all. Never been my thing, never will be. But, yeah, I always tried to have the more "grown up" persona of a female dominant.

I had to look this up because I had no idea what you were talking about and I found a whole forum on it. Interesting! I understand your sentiment about having a mature persona but feeling as if your relationships have this child-like innocence to them. I may have had such relationships without even realizing it hahaha! 

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Someone Else

People with harmless kinks fascinate me, even when it's a personal kink that I don't really share.  I'm not sure what to make of it.  

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Acurly2790

Hi all! This is so cool to see. I just discovered the asexual identity a year ago but had difficulty reconciling my asexuality and a desire to be immobilized in its various forms. I actually tried to tie myself up on many occasions all the way from when I was six, which led to some panicky situations when my mom almost caught me tying myself to dining table leg with neon orange lanyard. I’ve always been interested in the struggle you know. I identify as a sex indifferent asexual so I could probably ok with the sex but for me it would not be a goal. I do masturbate though so having an orgasm wouldn’t be a bad thing for me lol. They’re quite nice from my perspective.  I’ve never a. have had sex or b. played in a scene. Mostly because I’m an introvert and hate that whenever I interact with someone a little they automatically feel entitled to my attention on demand. I don’t want a traditional relationship although I wouldn’t mind someone to be sensual with. I wouldn’t care about exclusivity but I would like extended human contact. I feel like asexuality makes you more prone to touch starvation sometimes. Anyway sorry for all the word deluge. 👋 hi all. Glad I found you!

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Mackenzie Holiday
On 10/22/2019 at 7:06 PM, Princess KittenSparkles said:

Ok, question for everyone here: How did you guys figure out (or develop?) your kinks/fetishes/etc. being asexual? I KNOW some asexuals can be sexual and whatnot; I'm saying, how did you (the individual) decide you like something and ended up pursuing it (while being ace)? I don't know how to word my question properly so this is probably confusing...

 

Like, how did you go, "I'm ace. I think I like being choked. Let me go explore that", without any hangups due to your sexuality? Also, what was your first experience like? How did you take it from online to reality?

I've read very little but I think I like some forms of BDSM IN THEORY. I can see how some things are enjoyed by people. But when I think about it IN PRACTICE (towards me)....loooool wtf is that there's just no way.  So, idk I'm curious about the journey you guys went through as asexuals navigating what is a VERY sexual space. (Again, I know asexuality is on a spectrum...)

I kind of went about the whole thing backwards. When I entered into my first sexual relationship, I had no idea asexuality was a thing let alone that I might be gray ace. I've always had really kinky fantasies, and it turned out that my partner did too, so we explored those together along with some more vanilla sexual activities. After eventually figuring out that I'm gray asexual, I still had those experiences to drawn from, and from those I was able to figure out a lot of the kinks that I can enjoy and a lot of the activities that I don't care for. I don't really seek out those kinky activities, though, so I'm not too worried about feeling like I have to navigate super sexual kink spaces down the line. They're just the only things that are generally considered more sexual than making out that I can actually enjoy doing with a partner.

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DeviousDex

I'm on board the kink train already but have issues finding a suitable partner because it seems awkward trying to being it up in convo. Also I'm not brave enough for FetLife. Being a somewhat reserved kinkstr is hard. 

Edited by DeviousDex

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Anita Teresita

I've realised for a long time that I think damsels in distress in films are exciting but I am just now understanding that it's a kink for me. I don't think it's a sexual kink exactly, just one I would like to do with a person I am in a relationship with though.

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Qweed

I am not sexually aroused by actual intercourse, but I often wonder if I could reach an aroused state by me and a woman participating in my kink, and then be able to have sex with the woman without losing the arousal from the kink activities? 

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idkwmoi

Oh wow. I didn't expect to see a thread like this here. I feel like such an oddball at kink events and on Fet. I enjoy scening and don't have any issues with sex-positive places. I'm just not attracted to anybody in a sexual way and it seems like most people assume I am. 

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batmmann5
On 11/28/2019 at 10:03 PM, idkwmoi said:

Oh wow. I didn't expect to see a thread like this here. I feel like such an oddball at kink events and on Fet. I enjoy scening and don't have any issues with sex-positive places. I'm just not attracted to anybody in a sexual way and it seems like most people assume I am. 

Well, there is a group on Fetlife called Asexual and Kinky and there are like 3,700 members on there.  I am batmman by the way on there.

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idkwmoi
1 hour ago, batmmann5 said:

Well, there is a group on Fetlife called Asexual and Kinky and there are like 3,700 members on there.  I am batmman by the way on there.

Thanks! I joined the group there. 

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Ita25

Feel a little weird about sharing this, but seems like a very open community so why not. I have a tickling fetish. It's a huge turn on for me. Not BDSM though. Just consensual and intimate between romantic partners. Sometimes I think(and have been told) that if I get so aroused by it, it has to be because I want it to lead to sex. 

 

I can say with pretty strong confidence that's not the case. I've watched videos and read stories with tickling content online, and I'm repulsed if it leads to sex, or explicit sexual content. I immediately close out of it. It kills the mood completely. 

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