Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Bloc]

1 hour ago, Omelette said:

 

One type of kink that feels ace-friendly, to me, is rope (ie. shibari rope bondage). I live in a large city and there are rope workshops near me that are pretty chill (imagine a yoga class, just with people being tied up).

Also sensation play, e.g. playing with cold, heat, different materials, or pain, can be done completely non-sexual or as sexual as you like. Something I want to explore is wax play and types of pain I do enjoy.

[Guest]

Gray-A slightly(!) sadistic dominant woman here. I have been in contact with a few people in Norway using FL which have not always been very pleasant. Most ignorant submissive men on FL tend to expect engaging in sex at some point when the only thing I am interested in is some sweet torture sessions and watching them crawl in pain and pleasure.  I wish I could say that I don't blame them because their only kink reference is porn so how could they know that all people are not the same! But I can't...
I have had tried explaining over and over again that how even the thought of putting just anyone's genitalia near mine or let them touch me intimately can be revolting to me with no luck so far which led me to deactivate my account for 6-7 months now. We have a small BDSM community in Oslo and meeting someone that is only interested in playing without sex is rather difficult. Hope you guys live in larger cities/countries with larger kink communities.   

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

for information, I guess I like Reddit; specifically, subreddits BDSMCommunity and BDSMAdvice.

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

I recommend archiveofourown. It's an online fanfiction repository and because of the tagging system, you can actually search for 'asexual bdsm' and find things.

Awesome! Thank you for the info, Omelette!

[batmmann5]

6 hours ago, Lostintranslation01 said:

Gray-A slightly(!) sadistic dominant woman here. I have been in contact with a few people in Norway using FL which have not always been very pleasant. Most ignorant submissive men on FL tend to expect engaging in sex at some point when the only thing I am interested in is some sweet torture sessions and watching them crawl in pain and pleasure.  I wish I could say that I don't blame them because their only kink reference is porn so how could they know that all people are not the same! But I can't...
I have had tried explaining over and over again that how even the thought of putting just anyone's genitalia near mine or let them touch me intimately can be revolting to me with no luck so far which led me to deactivate my account for 6-7 months now. We have a small BDSM community in Oslo and meeting someone that is only interested in playing without sex is rather difficult. Hope you guys live in larger cities/countries with larger kink communities.   

Yes, you would think some of the sub guys would be ok with just play.  Hard to find Dominant Women and all.  There are Asexual Groups on Fetlife though, so you can see others like us on there.  There are like 3,000 members in Asexual and Kinky.  Our people.  Laugh.  I live in a decent size area, with like 250,000 people, but finding just play is hard.  I would think women would like it when for a change a guy does not want them for sex, but I haven't had a heck of a lot of luck.  I even had a rope dojo built in my backyard, to try and have the rope community evolve.  I play now and then, but my dream of finding a few women that I could have fun sessions with that was just play, on an ongoing basis, hasn't really happened yet.  I met one girl and we had fun, but she up and ghosted me, with not much explanation, other than she was spending too much time rigging.  Laugh.  I just can't relate to women.  You confound me.  I can't buy you dinner, have nice conversation, and then go back to my rope dojo and tie and torture each other for a bit?  Laugh.  I am more a bottom than Top, but I can do both.  Where are the rope bunnies?  Ok, riggers are a lot harder to find, but I see rope bunnies all over Fetlife.  We just don't have many in my area and the ones that are around, are very sexual.  Your being younger, gives you a lot more hope.  Asexuality is much more well known now.  With time, I think you will find someone you can have fun with.  Smile.  Brian

[Omelette]

I've been wondering if I'm doing masochism wrong.

 

I'm trying to do things to myself, because I'm too chicken to go to a munch yet. But I rarely seem to strike the right chord. I know I can enjoy pain, because at one point it got me floaty for a whole day and it was amazing. But the method I used was in retrospect unsafe (scratching a bit of my skin away until it was super sensitive, scratching some more for the high, then adding microscopic amounts of some hot pepper sauce). Now, that sounds like an infection waiting to happen, and so I tried to figure out safer avenues.

 

I like nettles. But I'd have to grow them myself, and that seems like a bit of a pain (the non-exciting kind). I tried to hit myself (my bottom, specifically) with the back of a hairbrush, but I just don't seem to get it. I can't seem to manage to hit myself hard enough to actually give myself pain that lasts. Either I start hard, and overwhelm myself too fast and have to stop, or start slower and with breaks and by that point my skin is sort of insensitive enough that I sort of tire myself out trying to cause myself pain. I've also tried something stingier on my legs (leather string from a woven belt). With that one, the initial sensation is far more intense, but again, it doesn't last. If I try to insist on the same spot, it just overwhelms me and then I stop and then a few moments later it's gone again.

 

At this point, I don't know. Is it technical issues? Do I just have shit pain tolerance? Looking for guidelines is, again, a bit of a pain (heh), because a lot of masochistic things are not written with self-inflicters and/or genitals-repulsed people in mind (even hitting my bottom meant dealing with some repulsion...). I don't know.

 

If there are any self-masochists out there, how do you do your thing? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[AceMissBehaving]

@Omelette so for solo pain I have a couple of really nice cat o nines I made to use on myself. I like them because I can vary intensity really easily, and use wrapping to get the centrifugal force to make them to go much faster which makes up for the inability to get any kind of distance. With a bit of practice I can hit where I want, when I want, and get a bunch of different rhythms going.

 

There isn’t a lot of info on self flagellation out there from a BDSM perspective, but if you look into religious practices that use it, you can find some floggers and cats etc that are designed for self use that way.

 

The one I use most has a rather long handle for better reach hitting my back etc. 

[Omelette]

9 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

The one I use most has a rather long handle for better reach hitting my back etc. 

Thank you!

 

See, I suspected that the proportions of something like a flogger would matter more when you have the issue of reaching over your shoulder. But I wasn't crafty enough to try to calculate that. If it's not too personal, could I ask how long the handle is in proportion to your forearm? Found a medieval-looking ilustration where the handle looks slightly longer than the forearm, but than again, medieval illustrations don't have the best proportions in general xD

[Lizdrizz]

I love this thread so much

I am on Fetlife as is my husband though I haven't come out to him yet as being ace.

I'm disabled and I can't tolerate much pain but I definitely enjoy vibrating toys, spanking and paddles being used.  

[AceMissBehaving]

12 hours ago, Omelette said:

Thank you!

 

See, I suspected that the proportions of something like a flogger would matter more when you have the issue of reaching over your shoulder. But I wasn't crafty enough to try to calculate that. If it's not too personal, could I ask how long the handle is in proportion to your forearm? Found a medieval-looking ilustration where the handle looks slightly longer than the forearm, but than again, medieval illustrations don't have the best proportions in general xD

I can’t entirely remember off the top of my head but will get the measurements when I get back from my trip. I want to say something  like 13” handle, 22” for the longest falls, and the falls were 4mm round braided leather with 3 to four capuchin knots up each fall.

 

[Omelette]

2 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I can’t entirely remember off the top of my head but will get the measurements when I get back from my trip. I want to say something  like 13” handle, 22” for the longest falls, and the falls were 4mm round braided leather with 3 to four capuchin knots up each fall.

 

Thank you, that's very kind of you!

[Lundra]

So, first let me say I only read the first post, as 48 pages would take me forever, however this is an awesome thread even just for its concept!

 

For me, bdsm is the key to opening my sexuality from asexual to interested in some form of sex. (Graysexual) Though, I am demi-kinky so there needs to be a LOT of factors for me.  Makes it dificult but its not impossible! Its also true that there are many many ways to do kink without ever engaging in any sex! One of my favorites is flogging. 

[Bloc]

8 hours ago, Lundra said:

So, first let me say I only read the first post, as 48 pages would take me forever, however this is an awesome thread even just for its concept!

 

For me, bdsm is the key to opening my sexuality from asexual to interested in some form of sex. (Graysexual) Though, I am demi-kinky so there needs to be a LOT of factors for me.  Makes it dificult but its not impossible! Its also true that there are many many ways to do kink without ever engaging in any sex! One of my favorites is flogging. 

There are many ways, so you have to discuss what you like and don't like and what you want to try. Which is good when you have boundaries around sex. I know at lot of people who enjoy flogging,the times I tried it I didn't like it. Ropes and clamps are probably more my thing. I would like to try wax play.

[Guest]

On 6/18/2019 at 5:51 AM, AceNomad said:

For those on FL, is it good for research and taking "the next baby step" into the community or seeing if it would be a good place for you? I know about munches, but since I've heard those specifically are not kink-life-specific topics I'm not sure if that's something to go to if you're still unsure about trying something out? Especially because we do have the "no-sex" limitation.

 

In my experience munches where a great place to figure out the things I was unsure about, you can learn loads just by chatting to people who have experience in things that you are maybe possibly interested in trying out. And of course they are the best place to meet people who are willing to help you try things that you are curious about. The "no-sex limitation" has never been a problem for me, most kinky people are used to non-sexual play.

 

Yes FL is good for research, but it is also quite a sexualised environment, so how comfortable you would be there depends on how sex repulsed you are I suppose. It's probably not really a good representation of your local community, but it is pretty much the only way to find local events though.

 

On 6/18/2019 at 7:45 PM, Omelette said:

One type of kink that feels ace-friendly, to me, is rope (ie. shibari rope bondage). I live in a large city and there are rope workshops near me that are pretty chill (imagine a yoga class, just with people being tied up).

"Yoga class with people being tied up" is exactly how I have tried to explain Peer Rope to non kinky friends! I agree it is very ace-friendly, and very newbie friendly too. 

[Lundra]

13 hours ago, Bloc said:

There are many ways, so you have to discuss what you like and don't like and what you want to try. Which is good when you have boundaries around sex. I know at lot of people who enjoy flogging,the times I tried it I didn't like it. Ropes and clamps are probably more my thing. I would like to try wax play.

Haha be very careful with wax play! I got 2nd degree burns, I don't care to share where, from using the wrong wax.

[Bloc]

53 minutes ago, Lundra said:

Haha be very careful with wax play! I got 2nd degree burns, I don't care to share where, from using the wrong wax.

When there is a candle burning, I am always tempted to put my finger in the pool of molten wax. Also burned myself then, but still to first degree. I think buying candles designed for wax play is a good idea. Getting the wax dripped on me while being tied up sounds interesting, but it is probably a good idea to try it first without being tied up. Also doing this to someone enjoying it sounds fun.

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

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21 hours ago, P1atypus said:

In my experience munches where a great place to figure out the things I was unsure about, you can learn loads just by chatting to people who have experience in things that you are maybe possibly interested in trying out. And of course they are the best place to meet people who are willing to help you try things that you are curious about. The "no-sex limitation" has never been a problem for me, most kinky people are used to non-sexual play.

 

Yes FL is good for research, but it is also quite a sexualised environment, so how comfortable you would be there depends on how sex repulsed you are I suppose. It's probably not really a good representation of your local community, but it is pretty much the only way to find local events though.

Thank you very much!

[Guest]

Sorry, I have no idea why my previous comment formatted like that, and the "Edit" button to the post is completely disabled, even several minutes later. I can't even delete my previous comment. Ugh.

[Omelette]

I've had this thoughts nagging me for a while...About BDSM symbols.

 

Specifically, I mean the O-ring and the triskelion. When I started getting interested into the weird stuff, I flirted for a bit with the idea of wearing the triskelion as an accessory, sometimes, as a subtle way of highlighting said weirdness. Or just for confidence. Decided against it, mainly for historical reasons.

 

The main reason I feel uncomfortable with the triskelion (along with the much less subtle O-ring) is that they've both been inspired by 'The story of O'. Now, all I'm saying might be wrong, because I haven't actually read the book, only summaries/reviews, but...that story sounds very...extreme? And potentially not exactly Sane-Safe-Consensual. I mean extreme to the point that I doubt that the vast majority of people identifying as (consensual) slaves today would want to go through with some of the things involved (eg. being given to another partner, complete loss of sexual autonomy, heavy body modification).

The one thing that makes the symbolism based on it less creepy is that the real submissive woman who inspired the character of O was actually a pretty strong lady, and not above leaving her boyfriend when he turned abusive...

 

So I'm wondering how other people see these common symbols of BDSM. Obviously, most people are not uncomfortable with them (I'm the only person I've noticed with these doubts). Is it because it's a fantasy, that it's not disturbing? Can it be considered a reclaimed symbol? Or is it simply a historical accident, whose origins now matter less than the fact that it connects kinksters everywhere? Is it just the fact that most people don't look into the history of these symbols at all?

 

Looking forward to your thoughts : )

[RakshaTheCat]

I'm way too delicate for impact play, but I love pointy, sharp and bloody things. It's great kind of pain, kinda subtle. And wounds look so cute to me, especially when they still bleed. And I can draw a kitty on my skin with blood or cuts/scratches 😺 Anyone else into things like that? What kind of bloody self play do you do? Anyone doing some bloody patterns on their skin that they would like to share?

Getting myself box of 12g piercing needles to try. So far did 18g max, and even these were kinda different experience than narrower ones. Kinda funny feeling, still waiting on them to arrive, and I'm scared but also eager to try them at the same time. My poor body, I'm going to be so cruel to it, but in very loving manner... 😸

 

Funny, whole self stabby experience made me fall in love with my body a lot. Before, I was kinda indifferent to it, while now, I love that that squishy, soft, vulnerable bag of blood😸 Which makes me of course not fit into kink scene at all... 😺

 

 

On 7/17/2019 at 9:56 AM, Omelette said:

(eg. being given to another partner, complete loss of sexual autonomy, heavy body modification)

Check fetlife, there seem to be ton of people who are into these kind of things

[Zagadka]

8 minutes ago, Marcin said:

And wounds look so cute to me, especially when they still bleed. And I can draw a kitty on my skin with blood or cuts/scratches 😺 Anyone else into things like that?😸

Um, yes, but I don't think it is a kink thing? I've always enjoyed cutting to some extent,and I still do, but it is more psychological. Though there was definitely a phase I went through where it was very public and I guess "goth". Now that I think about it, I don't know. Seeing the blood is a primal thing. And I've never been ashamed of my scars.

[RakshaTheCat]

24 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

Um, yes, but I don't think it is a kink thing? I've always enjoyed cutting to some extent,and I still do, but it is more psychological. Though there was definitely a phase I went through where it was very public and I guess "goth". Now that I think about it, I don't know.

Hmm, I've heard that some people do it to, hmm, harm themselves? Then yeah, it would be different than kink, since for me, it's just for the sake of experience. Just, hmm, extreme form of cuddling, guess that would be good comparison. It is also surprisingly bonding. I'm actually super wimpy, since I don't want to leave any permanent scars, I like when everything is healed nicely, ready for future loving tortures 😺

 

Hmm, sorry for quick digression, but I seem to be using word 'love' a lot when I'm talking about this kink, and it makes me wonder... Hmm, maybe I should start calling myself 'kinkyromantic', or maybe 'bloodromantic' to be more specific 😸

 

Quote

Seeing the blood is a primal thing. And I've never been ashamed of my scars.

But this sounds like a kinky thing, since there is a 'primal' kink. But I don't think it is connected with blood though, so maybe you are talking about something different? What do you mean by primal here?

[robynscrow]

hiya, i'm completely breaking up the convo, i'm really sorry. i'm a bit of a newbie in terms of coming to terms that i'm probably asexual, and i just have a couple questions (hopefully this post won't be too much tmi moving forward). i'm 18 years old, and a lesbian, just to clarify where i'm coming from. i've been aware that i have kinks ever since i was around 14/15 and i masturbate pretty frequently, and the only thing that gets me going is depictions of some type of bdsm (i don't wanna specify but it's defo never vanilla sex), and i'm really uncomfortable watching porn/watching it happen which is why i turn to fanfiction so i can just leave out things in my imagination, because i find genitals just generally unpleasant, in all honesty. i don't know whether that's because i've never been in a relationship/never made out with someone, or because i'm sex repulsed and/or asexual. i know that i don't really experience sexual attraction to PEOPLE, because i'm very comfortable masturbating to fanfiction about two gay men, and just looking at people doesn't do anything, i generally never think of my crushes sexually unless i actively steer my brain in that direction. i also don't really have the desire to just make out with someone/having a one night stand. it's always just the kinky stuff that gets me. now this is where the lines start to get blurry for me, because i think i wouldn't mind if the real thing then involving me and someone else doing bdsm stuff turns sexual in the way of using toys on me, me orgasming etc. and i do feel a strong desire to have a relationship to live the kinky side of me out (and i do like orgasms and need them at least every couple days tbh). but i really wouldn't want any kissing to happen (pecks are fine but anything involving bodily fluids is just gross to me), or me touching other people's/my boobs & parts being touched by things other than toys ( i don't know about strap ons but i don't think i'd feel very strongly about them, neither bad nor good because they're not.. somebody's body part y'know). i just don't know which box to fit me in. is this still asexuality? is this is still sex-repulsion? is this like... doable? is it just because i've never had the experience of how being intimate with somebody i like is??

[Bloc]

@robynscrow Welcome here. Your description sound like you are repulsed to some sensual and sexual acts, but not to all. So I would not call it sex repulsion. Have you looked into grey (a)sexuality? This might be more relatable for you. Anyway you don't have find the™ label for you now or at anytime. It is more important to know what you want and to be able to communicate it. It is perfectly to okay to realize that the label you used does not fit anymore, either because you have changed or your understanding of yourself has changed.

 

I am going with grey asexual or mostly asexual as I am not sexually drawn to people until a long time into the relationship (around one year) and even then it is only very weak. However I enjoy sex in very specific boundaries, so not all people would call it sex. I even get the desire for this from time to time, about once or twice in two months.

[Grumpy Alien]

I see some people have done wax play. Anyone know anything about those lower temperature candle thingies?

[Bloc]

8 hours ago, disGraceful said:

I see some people have done wax play. Anyone know anything about those lower temperature candle thingies?

I know there are candles sold for wax play in sex shops. And that bee wax is to hot, so you would burn yourself. I don't know which paraffin stearin mixture is suitable.

[RakshaTheCat]

El cheapo parafin candles work, its a bit on the hot side but still ok. Can also us soy candles (they are in the jars), it basically doubles as a hot oil massage then, since it's very runny even on the skin. I also use coconut oil, but not in the form of candles, just melting it in the microwave and pouring it like that from the mug 😺

[Skycaptain]

Just a quick reminder everyone. Take care when using hot liquids in this way. AVEN can't be held responsible if things posted here don't work. Skycaptain moderator TGA 

[Guest]

On 8/5/2019 at 8:52 PM, Kimchi Peanut said:

I see some people have done wax play. Anyone know anything about those lower temperature candle thingies?

Yes if you want to do wax play you should use candles specifically designed for it, at least to begin with, it's very easy to burn someone with regular shop bought ones. Bees wax is particularly nasty, or ones with metal sparkles in them, but even soy or paraffin candles not designed for kink can have other ingredients in them which may not be great for your skin or could change the melting point.

 

In my experience wax play candles are normally soy, occasionally paraffin, and you can get ones that melt at different temperatures. They're generally not very hot or painful (or maybe I have a high pain tolerance) but you can build up the heat by dripping wax over the same place repeatedly.  Personally I love wax play as more of a sensual thing than a masochistic thing, it's very soothing. You can get them in lots of gorgeous colours, which is great if you are of an artistic mindset.

[Janus the Fox]

There’s safe wax fetish and sex elsewhere on the internet, quick google searches often best source.

[manicmanner]

Agreed, looking up BDSM wax play candles on Google ought to be sufficient. A friend of mine (with the help of my partner) sells BDSM toys to the local community and on his website and his specialty is wax. I play with wax on both sides of the Top/bottom slash and dig it. Mostly use his wax, but I've used others' wax as well.

 

Not sure if I'm allowed to drop names on here like that (idk if that's considered a plug), though.