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Lauren+Bear

Kink, BDSM, and Cake

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Rosendust

I am glad that my SO has finally warmed up to the childlike side of me, it makes discussing kink much, much easier.

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SweetTart

I feel like I'm in this weird position where I enjoy bdsm and it's sexual side, and would like to experience it, but not with another person.

Like I love bondage and dominance (and maybe some light humiliation) and feel like I would enjoy experiencing it in a sexual situation, just so long as the other person wasn't actually real. I enjoy things on my own, but it's hard to experience domination and those sorts of sensations without someone else present and participating. So I'd pretty much have to act out my fantasies with another person to enjoy and experience them, but I don't want that other person there.

It's a weird position to be in. I don't think there's really any solution to it, just curious if anyone else has felt similarly.

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Kylan Velpa

I definitely have some fetishes I've stumbled across, but the whole thing seems perverted and kind of disgusting. If I had a partner in would find it extremely difficult to talk about that kind of thing with them.

Maybe fetishes aren't really what this thread is about but it seems to me that the overall view here seems to be quite positive.

Are fetishes a thing to be ashamed of?

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aces_baby
On 5/6/2019 at 12:40 AM, SweetTart said:

I feel like I'm in this weird position where I enjoy bdsm and it's sexual side, and would like to experience it, but not with another person.

Like I love bondage and dominance (and maybe some light humiliation) and feel like I would enjoy experiencing it in a sexual situation, just so long as the other person wasn't actually real. I enjoy things on my own, but it's hard to experience domination and those sorts of sensations without someone else present and participating. So I'd pretty much have to act out my fantasies with another person to enjoy and experience them, but I don't want that other person there.

It's a weird position to be in. I don't think there's really any solution to it, just curious if anyone else has felt similarly.

Pretty sure I feel similarly. I fantasize about kink & BDSM in a sexual way, but when I really think about it, I'm not sure I want to experience that in real life.

 

On 5/11/2019 at 2:58 AM, Kylan Velpa said:

I definitely have some fetishes I've stumbled across, but the whole thing seems perverted and kind of disgusting. If I had a partner in would find it extremely difficult to talk about that kind of thing with them.

Maybe fetishes aren't really what this thread is about but it seems to me that the overall view here seems to be quite positive.

Are fetishes a thing to be ashamed of?

Fetishes are definitely NOT anything to be ashamed of. That's for damn sure.

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Kylan Velpa
On 5/6/2019 at 6:40 AM, SweetTart said:

I feel like I'm in this weird position where I enjoy bdsm and it's sexual side, and would like to experience it, but not with another person.

Like I love bondage and dominance (and maybe some light humiliation) and feel like I would enjoy experiencing it in a sexual situation, just so long as the other person wasn't actually real. I enjoy things on my own, but it's hard to experience domination and those sorts of sensations without someone else present and participating. So I'd pretty much have to act out my fantasies with another person to enjoy and experience them, but I don't want that other person there.

It's a weird position to be in. I don't think there's really any solution to it, just curious if anyone else has felt similarly.

Hmm.....

Have you ever done online roleplay?

 

(I'm being nice and helpful so don't kill me here X3, but...)

I am a furry with little money and little time, meaning I have very little art and no fursuit. However, I spend a fair amount of time participating in SFW roleplay in discord and online and I know lots of people do NSFW roleplay as well.

I don't know whether you would get as much of a kick if it's virtual, but there's a certain level of detachment and anonymity if you don't know the person. Or so I would suppose.

Idk if that's helpful or not but there we are. ^w^

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CelesteAdAstra

So I do have a few "interests" that I consider fetishes. They used to play a big part in doubting my asexuality, because all of them are tied to people wearing or displaying them (e.g. my military uniform fetish and my weird-ass fetish for standoffishness/uptightness), but eventually I realized that if the fetish is not involved anymore, the attraction quickly fades. So for example, when a person undresses, they are suddenly not that attractive anymore.

The type of desire/attraction my fetishes produce is quite vague. I wouldn't say it's a sexual desire per se, as they don't specifically spark sexual thoughts. It's more of a mix of sensual, aesthetic and erotic, if that makes sense - I like to look at people involved in my fetish, to admire them and possibly to become sensual if I ever got the opportunity to interact with anyone willing to participate. I DO consider people displaying my fetishes to be very attractive in an erotic way, perhaps even "sexy" if an ace is allowed to use that word ^^, and I like to fantasize about them. Nevertheless, those fantasies don't include actual intercourse and there's no physical arousal involved, just a mental one. There's no desire for masturbation either.

Adult movies with the fetish don't appeal to me at all, because they contain undressing. And people acting annoyingly sexual. And actual sex. And that's absolutely not what I'm here for 🤣

I never talked to anyone about my fetishes before, but AVEN seems the safest place to do so. Considering that, I wonder if there's anyone here who shares my fetishes? It's not that I want to meet and play these ideas out, it would just be nice to hear that someone shares my "weird side" 😂

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chairdesklamp

I'm visually repulsed, but I've been in Internet fandom since it existed, so I'm also kinda used to it. 

 

Thought I'd look at Fetlife. Unfortunately, the site does not like Safari at ALL, so I'm gonna hafta hope it works on the even more busted laptop. 

 

I figured I'd just use a username that is not this one (which is my usual one) incase anything goes wrong. 

 

A big part of what drives me to explore (rather than being curious but apathetic/too lazy to get questions answered) is I KNOW it's just such an accepting community. As a trans, disabled, mixed-race guy who IDed as bi until recently, and of course realising asexuality being a lateral move, no change, most people hate me for some reason of bigotry. 

 

But, wow, the "select your demograph" menus have EVERYTHING. 

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jay williams
On 5/6/2019 at 12:40 AM, SweetTart said:

I feel like I'm in this weird position where I enjoy bdsm and it's sexual side, and would like to experience it, but not with another person.

Like I love bondage and dominance (and maybe some light humiliation) and feel like I would enjoy experiencing it in a sexual situation, just so long as the other person wasn't actually real. I enjoy things on my own, but it's hard to experience domination and those sorts of sensations without someone else present and participating. So I'd pretty much have to act out my fantasies with another person to enjoy and experience them, but I don't want that other person there.

It's a weird position to be in. I don't think there's really any solution to it, just curious if anyone else has felt similarly.

I have a feeling that zillions of people feel this way. I know I have, and I do. The "universal" advice is to find an alt group in your area and go to their meetings that they call "munches." 

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sgb66
Posted (edited)

wow , great thread and helps reading others views, Always been confused by not always keen to have full blown sex, bit underwhelming, but always had a desire for bdsm (dom) and the sensual experience, equally have an asex occasional partner who enjoys the same kink but does not need or want sex, ...seems we're not as odd as I thought  and enjoying sensual experiences type bdsm is part of our make up...

Edited by sgb66
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Ess-Kat
Posted (edited)

Hey so I saw this thread and had a few questions to anyone who can answer. Recently I been looking in to more bdsm, such as being a sub or a little (of that is the correct term, sorry if it not). I never explored this area before but it sound appealing. I know there doesn't have to be any sex involved but I don't know how to feel. Any advice or comment would be nice, thanks 

P.s. I feel safe talking about this here

Edited by Ess-Kat
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Spaka

So at 44 i finally am able to work on my kink/fetishes but one of them i cant find and foruma or groups Of people who Re into it.  I really like shaving womens legs. Go figure huh and its not even a sexual thing. I just like it

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jay williams
9 hours ago, Spaka said:

So at 44 i finally am able to work on my kink/fetishes but one of them i cant find and foruma or groups Of people who Re into it.  I really like shaving womens legs. Go figure huh and its not even a sexual thing. I just like it

Dunno about legs, but I would think there would be a really good market for shaving the nether region.

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Cali_Guy

Does living in the past count as being an emotional masochist? 

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Abîme

For those of you who have multiple sexual fetishes (where a fetish is something necessary for sexual arousal), is it a conjunction or disjunction of the fulfillments of the fetishes that suffices for your arousal?

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Squirrel Combat
On 5/27/2019 at 10:00 AM, Ess-Kat said:

Hey so I saw this thread and had a few questions to anyone who can answer. Recently I been looking in to more bdsm, such as being a sub or a little (of that is the correct term, sorry if it not). I never explored this area before but it sound appealing. I know there doesn't have to be any sex involved but I don't know how to feel. Any advice or comment would be nice, thanks 

P.s. I feel safe talking about this here

You're right. BDSM doesn't have to involve sex at all. If you involve a partner then that should ve made clear even before anything is started. For my fetish, I don't need to have sex to enjoy it. Heck, myself and the woman could go out for pizza or something not even remotely sexual.

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sgb66

I get that BDSM does not need to involve full blown sex, for me it's the sensual aspect and as a dom figure the experience of having control that is a 'turn on', equally my occasional partner enjoys the submissive nature of being bound for instance. Neither of us needs the full sex bit, but find the situation erotic and exciting.   

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aces_baby
On 6/2/2019 at 9:30 AM, Abîme said:

For those of you who have multiple sexual fetishes (where a fetish is something necessary for sexual arousal), is it a conjunction or disjunction of the fulfillments of the fetishes that suffices for your arousal?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "conjunction or disjunction". Anyhow, as an ace with multiple fetishes that arouse me sexually, at least one of them MUST be present in some form (i.e. visually or physically) for me to get turned on. In the absence of any fetish objects, my fire won't start.

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AceMissBehaving
On 6/8/2019 at 5:10 PM, aces_baby said:

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "conjunction or disjunction". Anyhow, as an ace with multiple fetishes that arouse me sexually, at least one of them MUST be present in some form (i.e. visually or physically) for me to get turned on. In the absence of any fetish objects, my fire won't start.

Same here, if non of my fetishes are involved, then absolutely nothing is going to happen for me.

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Omelette

Just realized that having shibari rope around comes in handy when I need to improvise a clothesline... : )

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Winged Whisperer

Hmm, this is a strange topic I've been wondering about. Doesn't getting aroused by fetishes mean that you're sexually attracted to something and thus not asexual? I ask as someone who does have multiple fetishes and masturbates/fantasizes with them (though I've never actually been able to try them probably because I like the idea of them more than the performance).

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Omelette

Depends on your definition of asexuality!

 

Personally, I prefer to define it as 'lack of sexual attraction towards others'.

 

Other people may prefer a more narrow definition, such as 'lack of a libido'.

 

The reason why I feel that the first definition is valuable is because it groups together many different people who face similar challenges from the world around them. A non-libidoist aro-ace might be pestered by relatives about getting a relationship in a similar way to a heteromantic ace (who might want said relationship, but has difficulty finding it), or an ace who is attracted just to book characters. Aces in mixed relationships may face similar challenges, even if they're non-libidoist, or masturbate to erotica, or are aroused by a specific fetish but do not desire sex.

 

Not saying that non-libidoist aces don't face challenges that set them apart, but 'non-libidoist' is simply not my preferred definition of 'ace'.

 

Now, there are also people who only desire to engage in sex with others / have sexual attraction for others when kinks are involved. In this case, I'd argue it's more greysexuality than asexuality. But labels are just that - labels - and there's no average person anyway : )

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KrystalLost

Oof I'll just be a big sadist in the corner and tease the hell out of my imaginary partner until their sobbing with pleasure and pain.

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aces_baby
6 hours ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Hmm, this is a strange topic I've been wondering about. Doesn't getting aroused by fetishes mean that you're sexually attracted to something and thus not asexual? I ask as someone who does have multiple fetishes and masturbates/fantasizes with them (though I've never actually been able to try them probably because I like the idea of them more than the performance).

No, it does not. In the definitions I've reviewed, sexual attraction refers specifically to sexual feelings toward another PERSON. I also have multiple fetishes with which I masturbate/fantasize. By definition, because fetish objects are not people, this fact is irrelevant to whether or not I'm ace.

 

The fact remains that I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender. Therefore, I am ace.

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Bloc
38 minutes ago, KrystalLost said:

Oof I'll just be a big sadist in the corner and tease the hell out of my imaginary partner until their sobbing with pleasure and pain.

Reading this, I realize again that I am a switch. I want to do this to someone and being done to me. With bonus points if it is the same person.

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KrystalLost

im just a dom LOL 

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Squirrel Combat

What I'm currently wondering is how do I introduce my fetish to an ace woman? And what can I do if she's not down for it?

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Wrentherainfalls

Hi, I'm 25 and still a virgin. I've known I was pretty much Ace for years now but I've been struggling to reconsile my kinks with my asexuality. Resources are hard to come by and it's a very difficult and embarrassing thing to just...discuss. It's

 been incredibly validating to find this thread.

 

I'm hoping to find more resources and communities. And hopefully maybe someday soon with someone who can help me explore and fufil my kinks. I guess I'll have to try checking out this FetLife everyone keeps mentioning. Is there anywhere else I should be looking to connect with possible local partners for sensual/non-sexual or borderline sexual kink play?

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ElasticPlanet
On 6/15/2019 at 11:00 PM, Bloc said:

I want to do this to someone and being done to me. With bonus points if it is the same person.

Oh yes. I've nearly always had to top to some people and then bottom to different people. And that always takes something away from it.

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AceNomad

Hey :D

 

I've been curious about this for years and have heavily lurked this thread for a few months-ish (though admittedly did not read every page). My interests in the life are not very wide-spread and are just general sub/bondage. I want to learn more, but am not sure if I would be committed enough to make a profile on a networking site like FetLife.

 

For those on FL, is it good for research and taking "the next baby step" into the community or seeing if it would be a good place for you? I know about munches, but since I've heard those specifically are not kink-life-specific topics I'm not sure if that's something to go to if you're still unsure about trying something out? Especially because we do have the "no-sex" limitation.

 

Does this make sense? I hope so. Regardless, have an awesome day!

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Omelette
On ‎6‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 3:48 AM, Wrentherainfalls said:

I'm hoping to find more resources and communities. And hopefully maybe someday soon with someone who can help me explore and fufil my kinks. I guess I'll have to try checking out this FetLife everyone keeps mentioning. Is there anywhere else I should be looking to connect with possible local partners for sensual/non-sexual or borderline sexual kink play?

Hello and welcome!

 

I haven't tried out Fetlife much (I mostly made an account in order to find meetings of kinksters near me, but I haven't been brave enough to go to a munch yet...heh). However, for information, I guess I like Reddit; specifically, subreddits BDSMCommunity and BDSMAdvice.

 

Fetlife might be a bit shocking if you're sex-repulsed (like me) because of all the explicit images. There's a plug-in that removes images and ads...forgot what it's called >.>

One type of kink that feels ace-friendly, to me, is rope (ie. shibari rope bondage). I live in a large city and there are rope workshops near me that are pretty chill (imagine a yoga class, just with people being tied up).

 

Other resources...In terms of ace erotica equivalents (but without the sex), I recommend archiveofourown. It's an online fanfiction repository and because of the tagging system, you can actually search for 'asexual bdsm' and find things.

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