lementzer Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Many of the threads on this site address the topic of sexual attraction, and from what I've seen, I don't think I have ever felt it for anyone.... However, I can't help doubting myself and thinking that maybe I just haven't reached a particular age or stage in my life where these feelings would actually happen to me. I haven't really read anything about when these urges normally start, and am still a bit confused about the idea. I know I'm about to ramble, but I feel like maybe it will help me to try and talk it out, and see what you all think. I consider myself to have a rather extreme case of sheltered-ness/innocence. I also seem abnormal in that if I decide against something, I won't even think about it, or be tempted by it at all. I was brought up in a conservative Christian household, and from a very young age understood that I was not to have sex before I was married. That was never going to be a problem. I even had a self-imposed rule that I wouldn't have a boyfriend at least until I was in college. Looking back, I'm not even sure where this rule came from. It wasn't from my parents, who regularly told me in high school that it was okay if I liked someone, or wanted a boyfriend. I had friends who were boys, for sure, but never desired anything more. So by the time I entered college two years ago, I don't even think I understood what a crush was. I definitely don't understand sexual attraction. I'm sure in health class I had to learn about sex, and sexual attraction. But I also have developed from a young age a selective memory where I completely forget things that make me uncomfortable - sort of as a coping mechanism, I think. So I have no idea if these terms could ever apply to me, nor would I recognize if I was in fact experiencing them. So I guess I really have two questions/problems: at age 19, am I old enough to have experienced sexual attraction? And if so, is it possible that I am just so completely unknowledgable on the topic that I haven't recognized it happening, or am I actually asexual? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chewy Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm a bit like you and I'm 37. I am really surprised to read about 17 years old and 14 yours old talking about they have no sexual attraction. Heck, I never even really thought about it. I just knew as a teenager I wasn't going to get married or have kids so why bother dating and have someone hassle me for sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Feathers Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 By 19 you definitely could have experienced sexual attraction, but each person is different. Based on your upbringing, maybe you're a "late bloomer" who will experience it later than normal. Sifting through one's desires and emotions and such is a long process. No one can determine if you're (a)sexual but you, and by the sound of things you may be at the beginning of a wonderful journey of self-discovery. Not sure if this was helpful, but I wanted to let you know that you shouldn't feel pressured to figure it out immediately. <3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheRuffian Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 lementzer, I am the same age as you :) 20 in a few weeks.. I personally think that if you felt standard sexual attraction to people you would know by now. Considering you haven't had a relationship, its possible that you aren't completely asexual though, as you may find desire and attraction when emotionally close to a partner. I have experienced sexual relationships and am 95% confident that I am asexual. I do believe you can figure it out without needing to go there though.. ETA: do you know the difference between sexual and romantic and sensual attraction? I didn't, and that was why I was so confused. Once I learnt the difference, it was clear. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lementzer Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Thanks for your support, guys! I'm just so confused by myself, but it's really great to hear everyone's perspectives. I've really been trying to sort through everything lately, and do think maybe I am asexual, but I don't think my parents will buy it for the reasons I expressed above. And last year I had what I thought was a crush on one of my best friends, but I've been really digging to see what I really felt, and I'm not even sure if that's what it was. I think a lot of it was peer expectations - everyone around me saw that it looked like we both liked eachother and really encouraged me to go out with him. So I think I kind of conformed my feelings to what they thought was appropriate? But I had always shied away from even imagining kissing him, so what did I even want? I've come to the conclusion that I just wanted him to like me best. It sounds silly, but I think I just wanted him to be my best best friend and value my friendship over everyone else's. I have read up on sexual vs romantic vs sensual attraction, and from this I think maybe what I am is hetero-romantic but asexual? I'm just not positive, and I don't know how to explain it to my parents, who still aren't even convinced that I am over him(because it turned out he didn't like me that way anyway, and at the time, I was quite upset). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Feathers Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 There is a fancy picture floating around here somewhere that really lays out different attractions nicely. Once I am on a computer I will try to add it into my comment unless someone beats me to it. If you're unsure your parents will accept you, then don't tell them. If you feel like you have to tell them, don't take it too personally if they're not very accepting. Asexuality is not a widely known thing for whatever reason. You can always come here for love and support <3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (Aside from the fact that I more and more come to think "sexual attraction" isn't even a real thing that anyone actually feels, including sexuals...) I would guesstimate that sexuals would probably start feeling the desire for sex blossoming up around age 12, 13, 14. At least it was around that age when my classmates in school started talking about the subject rather a lot. Not having felt it at 19... yeah, I'd say that's pretty damn old already. ;) I'd be hesitant to chalk that up to merely a sheltered/"late blossom" lifestyle anymore... though I can't fully rule it out, of course. ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
purpledragon Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hi!! I know exactly what you're talking about, lementzer -- I also had a very sheltered/"save it for marriage" type of up-bringing. My family is relatively conservative in the "please wear enough clothing and no make-up until you have a job" kind of way, and I was homeschooled up through high school. I'm also 19 ^-^ I had a crush on a friend I met in college this year (like, butterflies and giggling crush) but I never would have even dreamt of doing anything sexual with him. It never occurred to me. What I felt sounds like you. I just wanted to be his uber-friend and have him like me over his other friends. I have no idea what kind of crush this was, or a strong squish, or what. I'm pretty sure I've just been supremely unhelpful but I just wanted to let you know that you sound just like me! PM me if you want to talk more ;) It's always good to know there are other people like you :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Adogg Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I would say you are old enough to have experienced it. That said, my best friends wife was raised strictly Catholic and home schooled. Not to be insulting and I surely don't know you're situation, but she is almost childlike in her demeanor and thought process due to her lack of interaction socially and she is very stunted as far as maturity. I would firstly say to get out there and talk to people, meet new folks and try new things. You're still young and there is no need to label yourself if you don;t want to. Go live a little bit and maybe you can better make the distinction yourself if nothing happens. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 There is a fancy picture floating around here somewhere that really lays out different attractions nicely. Once I am on a computer I will try to add it into my comment unless someone beats me to it. If you're unsure your parents will accept you, then don't tell them. If you feel like you have to tell them, don't take it too personally if they're not very accepting. Asexuality is not a widely known thing for whatever reason. You can always come here for love and support <3 You mean this one? ;) This is in fact an incredibly awesome graphic. Take a look and let us know if we can help clarify some of the terms. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
noparlpf Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Sexuality generally manifests along with puberty. In humans, puberty typically begins around the age of twelve. These days, with all the chemicals in the food, girls are often beginning puberty by eight. It's very uncommon for somebody to have hit eighteen (college age) and not have gone through puberty. I'd personally say that if you're over fourteen and have never experienced sexual or romantic attraction it's reasonable to start identifying as asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Hi there! I just wanted to drop in and say that while I'm super new to this whole asexuality thing and can't really give you much of a good answer, I'm in pretty much the same boat. 19, raised in Christian purity culture, leaning towards identifying as asexual/heteroromatic, and still pretty confused about this whole thing. Just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one in that sort of position. Good luck figuring everything out! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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