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Romantic love is a delusion


zachmartinez

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I think that it is also necessary to make a difference between romantic attraction (the very physical and obsessive "love at first sight" feeling) and romantic love, the first creating the second. Romantic attraction can be immediate, but romantic love takes its time.

I never experienced any difference between these, at all... and neither do I think the feeling of rom.att. necessarily has to be physical (unless you mean "physical" in the biochemical sense - your own hormones and neurotransmitters going all bonkers on you ;)).

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I think that it is also necessary to make a difference between romantic attraction (the very physical and obsessive "love at first sight" feeling) and romantic love, the first creating the second. Romantic attraction can be immediate, but romantic love takes its time.

Well for me, romantic attraction and romantic love came together, as I slowly began developing feelings for my partner. Nothing about it was instant.. it was something that slowly developed over time. When we realized we were both feeling romantic attraction for each other, and began to understand that it went beyond regular friendship feelings or a little crush, we discussed what expectations we might have of a relationship together.. how things might work in a relationship between us, what we consider cheating, what our individual intimacy needs are, what our housekeeping habits are like, how long we would want the relationshop to last ideally.. everything we could think of.. then after a while we decided to have a trial run to see how things would go between us. If things didn't go so well,we were fine with that, we knew we would stay friends.. but we wanted to have a go, just to see how things would work.. and they work splendidly! it's coming up to 9 months since we decided to officially enter into a relationship together (after about about a month trial period) and we find that our love and romantic attraction just grows deeper the better we get to know each other.. The more vulnerability we show towards each other, the more problems we overcome together, the more in depth conversations we have about our innermost feelings, fears, flaws etc, the closer and more solid we become as a couple :3 .. so for us, it wasn't instant or obsessive or crazy or any of the other things some people say about romantic attraction/romantic love. it was slow and there was a lot of communication involved.. it wasn't just "bam I want you let's get together!" .. we had become very close friends before it got to the romantic stage. We were both seeking something serious, something long term, and something that would work for both ourselves and our partner (ie both monoamorous, similar interests etc). We weren't lonely, or pining away hoping for love or anything like that before we met (I had been single almost 3 years and was perfectly happy on my own!) we just knew that if we were to have a future relationship, those were the things we wanted. We found what we were seeking in each other :3

We are on opposite sides of the world, but there is no obsession, no jealousy, no 'craziness' .. sure, we have disagreements, but we talk through them like adults and come to mutually satisfying resolutions. We are comfortable in the love we have for each other, we aren't concerned that the other might run off with someone else..We are fully aware that if one of us is starting to feel like they are falling out of love, our friendship will ensure we talk about that and either find a way to work through it or separate as friends.. as opposed to secrets being kept etc. I am not threatened by his female friends, he is not threatened by my male friends.

We are sensual and intimate, but our love is in no way ruled by passions. we can happily go for weeks without that sort of thing, because we both know sensuality is just a bonus of our love, not the basis for it (if that makes sense).

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I know that for some people, romantic attraction is obsessive and crazy etc (though any relationship can be like that.. friends, work relationships, family relationships) but in my experience of romantic attraction, there has been nothing remotely akin to obsession or craziness or.. anything like that.

I feel like romantic attraction is the cause of romantic love ie "I am developing romantic attraction = I am beginning to feel romantic love for you" .. I personally think the whole crazy, possessive, obsessive love people keep mentioning is actually a character trait of the person/people involved, and not a trait of romantic love itself.. as such behaviours (jealousy, possesiveness etc) can be displayed in any relationship, not just romantic ones.

Anyway, that's my two cents :)

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The difference between a bird and an emotion is that a bird is something real, tangible, that everyone can see, hear and touch all the same. Emotion, however, exists in your head, and in your head only. You ALWAYS make it up. If you make up a thought, is it less real than any other? It isn't. Both were thought in your head. Same goes for love: if you feel it, it's real. It's an emotion, a feeling. It's that simple.

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@ Mysticus : Yes, I said "physical" in a "hormonal" sense. But I also considered it physical as I was thinking about attraction for a stranger, and I'll talk about it in detail below PanFicto's quote.

@ PanFicto : Considering only a first person point of view, I totally agree with you as it's the way I experience romantic love and attraction too.

@ both : However, there is a particularly common case where there is romantic attraction without romantic love in the "deeply caring about someone" meaning of the word : when someone has a crush on a stranger (without knowing this stranger's personality) and says "I love them", which is incorrectly formulated IMO, as they could rather say "I'm in love with them" which doesn't mean quite the same thing. Genuine love requires to love a "soul", which is technically impossible if you don't know the person (or at least their true personality). In this meaning, and in this particular case, romantic "love" can be considered, not a delusion (I wouldn't be so harsh), but I would still say that it's an illusion, because this is a situation where the person feels strong romantic attraction, but not romantic love in a strict meaning (even though they still think that this intense "hormonal" feeling is true love).

I hope my explanation isn't too much confusing, and I hope to offend nobody who has a crush on a stranger and who is reading this post :)

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I can understand where OP is coming from. I used to believe love only exists at the start then fades away into attachment. Really though this subject is very complex. Tbh there is no black and white to it and it differs but anyway...

I don't think that love as in the feeling itself is a delusion. It's all the unrealistic expectations and hopes that come with it that ppl delude themselves into.

My ex gf believed that her love would miraculously give me the strength to take my severely unprepared behind and move to Sweden with her (love dont change the fact ppl from my country have it hard with the EU and immigration lol)

She also believed that her love would make me love myself and in a cruel twist of fate I began to love myself after I broke up with her.

I live in a village where there are strict and traditional families. To get away many girls run away with guys they fall in love with. Most of these girls later regret their decisions and become miserable with their husbands. In that case it isnt about love it is about freedom.

Human nature is a complex thing. You get bored of ppl. Love runs out but you still work things out. It has many aspects to it.

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