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What's wrong with being asexual?


darkangel5_2

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darkangel5_2

I have always been asexual. When I look at someone, I don't think "Oh, that guy's hot". I never thought anything was wrong with that. It wasn't until I was in high school that I noticed I was different from the other girls. They would be watching the guys, talking about who was hot or was not. When my opinion on the matter was asked, I would say I didn't know. That earned me a lot of strange looks. My parents even asked if I was a lesbian.

When I finally dated someone, it was a guy that had similiar interests like me. He's the only person I dated, and he became the man I married. Honestly, to this day I can't actually say that I think he's hot or not. I can't get my mind to do that. Sex has never been really a part of our relationship. It happens occasionally, but I would happily do without it. The problem I faced was that since we married extrememly young, we lived with his mother for a few years. She couldn't, and still can't, accept the fact that I'm asexual. She's actually made the comment that it was "unnatural" and that I needed behavior management to fix the problem.

I guess it is a little strange that when she tried to point out a hot guy I would just shrug and continue doing whatever I was doing at the time. To be honest, I didn't feel it was right for her to point out other guys when I was married to her son, but I guess it's just one of those things I can't understand. After awhile, she tried to convice me to get my horomone levels tested because I felt no sexual attraction. I refused, but she wouldn't let up. She felt it was her duty to cure me of whatever illness plagued me from a normal sex life. It got to the point where my husband finally had to step in and tell to back off.

My husband has been pretty good about excepting as who I am, but I know he doesn't really understand asexuality. If he had it his way, we'd have sex every night, but I just can't do that. Sex really only happens after he begs for days or weeks and I just break down. I know he has needs, but I don't know how to get myself to want to have sex more often. I don't know if I can. Is there a way?

Maybe being asexual would be easier if I knew other people who were. I've pretty much done this alone, but sometimes I wonder if there is truely something wrong with me. Is it really unnatural to not feel sexual attraction? Is there something misfiring in my brain that causes me to not want sex. Is it okay to be asexual?

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It is definitely okay to be asexual!! Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that your hormones are messed up or something is wrong with you. There's not really anything you can do to change it. If you are asexual, that's who you are; you don't get to chose your sexual orientation.

The good news is you are not alone! There are tons are aces here on aven who can relate to what you're going through. Hopefully spending some time here and reading through others' experiences will help you to accept that what your feeling is normal, and that you're not the only one who doesn't desire sex.

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He isn't making you have sex if you don't want it is he? Because that wouldn't be cool at all...

But no nothing wrong about being asexual at all. I don't look at girls and think they are hot or that I would ever want to have sex....

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If we say that there is something wrong with asexuality, then we must also say that there is something wrong with homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, and whatever other sexuality that isn't hetero. As I'm hoping that you're not against gay rights, I think you'll understand from this (at least in theory) that there is nothing wrong with asexuality.

Things will only get worse if you continue to consider the (im)possibility that there is something wrong with you. Kudos to your husband for telling her to back off! It's people like that that make me realize that not all of humanity sucks. There are threads around here that might help you even see that there are some aces in your general area, or at least in your state or the state over. Keeping a community will certainly help you. For now, perhaps AVEN (where most members are asexual) will help you.

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She couldn't, and still can't, accept the fact that I'm asexual. She's actually made the comment that it was "unnatural" and that I needed behavior management to fix the problem.

Wouldn't the "behavior management" likewise be unnatural? Since asexuality is a genuine orientation, it is natural. Anyhow, she probably does many things which are unnatural and many of those are probably much more harmful than being asexual. Just because something is unnatural doesn't make it bad and just because something is natural doesn't make it good.

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TheStarrySkai

yeah. That happens with me.

For example my friends sometimes show pictures of those male actors that teen girls seem to obsess over and think that they are so sexy. My friend would say "OMG! He's so hot!! Don't you think he's sexy??". I just sit there and say "Yeah...".

I don't really find people sexy. If I see a person I see as really attractive I think "Wow! They are so pretty/cute/handsome! Can I just stare at them for a while?"[not in a creepy stalker way... Just to appreciate their fabulous appearance] People seem to take this a bit too far for my comfort and then assume I'm the same. Thats when I get awkward. They say "Oooh! I'm gonna marry them!" or "I'd hit that!" and I have no idea how that idea got into their minds. I never say anything when I see an attractive person. I just calmly watch them, simply for the purpose of... idk.... enjoying their appearance??

When I told my mom I didn't care about sex whatsoever she asked "You sure your not scared? Sexual trauma bothering you?" Apparently people don't get that not everyone sees sex as this magical life altering thing.

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darkangel5_2

He isn't making you have sex if you don't want it is he? Because that wouldn't be cool at all...

But no nothing wrong about being asexual at all. I don't look at girls and think they are hot or that I would ever want to have sex....

My husband won't force me, but he honestly doesn't believe that I'm asexual. His comment, however, is "I really need to look this up" so I have some hope. Is there anyway I could make it easier for him to understand?

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darkangel5_2

yeah. That happens with me.

For example my friends sometimes show pictures of those male actors that teen girls seem to obsess over and think that they are so sexy. My friend would say "OMG! He's so hot!! Don't you think he's sexy??". I just sit there and say "Yeah...".

I don't really find people sexy. If I see a person I see as really attractive I think "Wow! They are so pretty/cute/handsome! Can I just stare at them for a while?"[not in a creepy stalker way... Just to appreciate their fabulous appearance] People seem to take this a bit too far for my comfort and then assume I'm the same. Thats when I get awkward. They say "Oooh! I'm gonna marry them!" or "I'd hit that!" and I have no idea how that idea got into their minds. I never say anything when I see an attractive person. I just calmly watch them, simply for the purpose of... idk.... enjoying their appearance??

When I told my mom I didn't care about sex whatsoever she asked "You sure your not scared? Sexual trauma bothering you?" Apparently people don't get that not everyone sees sex as this magical life altering thing.

No, they definitely don't. My husband has been pretty good about me being asexual, but his mother keeps commenting that my "unnatural" behavior is going to destroy my marriage. I've been married for almost two years now, and I haven't had any major issues.

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Member54880

Yes, being asexual would be a lot easier if it were more visible and accepted. There's nothing wrong with you for being asexual! Many people here have endured the same kind of things as you, including pressures by others to 'fix' their asexuality, because of the societal assumptions that everyone desires sex, and that having a 'normal sex life' is part of being healthy and fulfilled. As a result, asexuality is often pathologized, being mistaken for a symptom of illness, and seen as something that needs to be cured, by people who claim to have our best interests in mind. A lot of us have been told to get our hormones checked, and most asexual peoples' hormone levels are in the normal range, and a hormone imbalance would have various effects on the body. -_-

Your situation with your husband is seriously a problem. It's good that he told his mother to back off, but he doesn't accept your asexuality, he's begging for sex frequently, and you've only been say yes just because your defenses have been worn down. Caving in does not equal compromise!

He needs to stop begging, and stop putting pressure on you. Are there circumstances where and when you are sincerely willing to have sex? Is opening up the relationship an option, and something both of you would be comfortable with? In order to try and find actual compromise, both of you need to honestly talk about what your needs are, and see if it's possible to find a schedule, frequency, or relationship arrangement that'll work for both of you, without pushing either of you too far out of your comfort zone.

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  • 3 weeks later...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual. If everyone was meant to be the same we would all be Sontarans and reproduce by cloning (Sorry about the Doctor Who reference, it was the first thing I thought of). If you really want your husband to better understand at least a vague idea of asexuality you could try explaining it in terms of cake (yeah, I know. Sorry, not sorry). Some people really like chocolate cake, to the point it could be considered unhealthy. Other people are simply indifferent to its existence. Still others are completely disgusted by chocolate cake and refuse to have anything to do with it. In this lovely metaphor, the chocolate cake is sex (Tada!!!). I explained my aceness to one of my friends this way and it seemed to work pretty well. Regardless of the outcome though, remember that there is nothing wrong with you being ace. Sex simply isn't your cup of tea and that is perfectly okay.

If it makes you feel any better...

jenncake3.jpg

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Interesting thread. I think there is nothing wrong with being asexual. I understand what you mean about asexuality being accepted and communities not fully understanding (or knowing) about it.

I personally see asexuality as an add-on to other orientations (unless that person who is asexual has no romantic interest at all to anybody). By this, I mean gay asexual, straight asexual, bi asexual etc. This way, asexuality has support from other orientations and if you say 'I am an asexual gay', that 'gay' term would still be totally correct... not a homosexual gay but just a homoromantic gay.

I'm not an expert and am just learning all this recently. But if someone identifies just as 'asexual', to me that means you have no attraction/interest at all. If someone said 'gay asexual' I would know that you have no sexual interest, but are interested in the male gender in other ways. This is not the official way, but its my understanding.

Luckily, this site has a great member base and support team. It is so nice to see help being provided and the asexual community discussing things together.

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I never had kids, which even in this day and age makes some people look at me as if I am somehow defective. One of my favorite responses is, "You're welcome. That's at least one less kid competing with your kids for jobs, natural resources, and the status quo in general. Am I magnanimous or what." Okay I don't really say that. But it's not a bad point imo.

The world is overpopulated, and it has been argued that sexuality that does not result in children might be the work of nature Herself. But perhaps more importantly, too many people make huge decisions or make themselves into someone they are not, just because society says they should. I am willing to bet there are a lot of people who had kids only because they felt it was the normal thing to do (sorry if I sound crass, but from what I've heard some people say about parenthood I really believe it's true), and would have been happier without them. I'm sure there are people living as heterosexuals who are not deep down inside, because they would rather feel like everybody else than take a chance and be themselves.

Sex is one of the most important things in our society: to SOME people, they can't imagine life without it anymore than life without money. I think SOME sexuals who have a problem with asexuals are threatened by the idea that someone else is disproving their belief-system. It's almost as bad as homophobia, where gay marriages "are threatening the institution of marriage"; yeah....how? What they threaten is not the institution itself, but the deeply held belief SOME people have that they MUST get married to the opposite sex and have 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and a golden retriever. So, where do the rest of these people get off challenging that idea, they say. I really believe all this drivel I just spat out, because really why else would anyone have any problem with other people's private sexual lives?

Seems to me that when people are acting upset with you, you need to take into account who they are, and where they are coming from. 9 times of out 10 their opinion means nothing.

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