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Sgt Salt

FtM Swimming?

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Sgt Salt

After years of tears and emotional turmoil, I finally realized the reason I am so greatly uncomfortable wearing two piece swimsuits is because I'm transgender. I didn't start labeling myself as that until last year, so this is the first summer that I've really labeled myself as such.

I would just avoid swimming, but my problem is my mom. Because I have no friends, I never get invited to leave the house. I would go for walks and such but my mom thinks as soon as I'm out of her sight outside I'm going to be raped and murdered, so I can't even leave if I wanted to. To solve this problem my mom forces me to go to the pool and I hate it there. I love swimming, don't get me wrong, but our pool is so crowded and loud (which is a bad mix for my Asperger's). My mom tells me to bring a book and layout in the sun, but if you've ever been to northeast Kansas in the summer you understand how unbelievably hot and stuffy it gets here (band camp here = a lot of almost pass outs).

A shirt would simply fix this, but my mom is stunningly pigheaded and won't let me wear one because it's weird and it'll make me look like a boy/dyke/whatever word choice she chooses to use when I ask her. Besides, she always asks me why I refuse to wear bikinis and two-piece swimsuits, and I can't tell her, "Oh yeah, I'm transgender," and since I have no good excuse I'm not allowed to wear what I want.

One piece swimsuits and tankinis are my next closest option, but it is impossible to find ones that actually fit my body shape and size as well as finding ones without a really low cut neck. My current excuse going for me right now is that I'm on my period and I don't want to take that risk, but I can only keep that up for a week every month. Otherwise, my mother forces me to go to the pool, and if I refuse she starts taking away my laptop and my iPod. Those are the only devices I have to keep in touch with anyone because all my friends and help are online.

So I'm really stuck in a predicament right now and I don't know what to do. :( It's immensely stressful to me. Sometimes I start crying when she forces me to go to the pool and she just starts calling me a drama queen and tells me to grow up.

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Palovana

I've read a lot of your topics in the past and to be honest: your mom sounds like a bitch. I hope you don't take offense to that, but it's my honest opinion.

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Trava u doma

D:

I'm sorry, but your mother seems so bad, it's almost unbelievable. I'm so sorry you have to go through this :/

Maybe you could try faking that you're drowning? Maybe if your show is convincing enough your mother will be afraid to let you into the pool again ._.

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Turning

This is way to personal for it to be your mothers choice but I can imagine it is a complicated situation for you and I wont tell you how to solve your deep rooted problems with her.

My answer is to the immediate problem is sarong wrap. It is unarguably able to be "feminine" and you can stay reasonably covered while still wearing your bathing suit (I wear them if I go swimming because I'm uncomfortable being that exposed - aka I'm self conscious). Tell your mother your protecting yourself from UV rays if she has a problem with it. It is actually a good idea to cover up when your not in the water for that reason anyway.

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Sgt Salt

This is way to personal for it to be your mothers choice but I can imagine it is a complicated situation for you and I wont tell you how to solve your deep rooted problems with her.

My answer is to the immediate problem is sarong wrap. It is unarguably able to be "feminine" and you can stay reasonably covered while still wearing your bathing suit (I wear them if I go swimming because I'm uncomfortable being that exposed - aka I'm self conscious). Tell your mother your protecting yourself from UV rays if she has a problem with it. It is actually a good idea to cover up when your not in the water for that reason anyway.

Hmm, that actually sounds like a good idea. I'll look into it. I'm currently buying more time by saying that my current swimsuit from like two years ago doesn't fit me anymore and I'm conveniently "forgetting" to try it on. If we go out shopping, I might pull my dress/bra shopping technique and refuse to cooperate.

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ryutoshi

Go to the pool wearing shorts and a t-shirt, if you're gonna be reading or doing whatever then there's no need to wear some sorta swimming gear if you're not getting wet. You can even say you're not getting in an enclosed body of water full of human urine and who knows what else. How does wearing a shirt make you a "boy/lesbian"? With that logic, everyone who has breasts should walk around topless 24/7 cus only dudes are allowed to wear shirts in public. You could get men's swim trunks, say you dont want people staring at your ass, or worried about 'camel toe'. Dude, she cant force you to not wear clothing, just put a shirt on and if she throws a bitch fit over it then refuse to leave the house, but hide your electronics and important stuff so she cant take them. Or let her take them, but then continue to refuse to do anything she forces on you while finding new things to do with your time. Eventually she'll find coercing you into doing unpleasant things by taking away your stuff is neither working nor that big a deal for you and she'll stop trying (though she may find something else to try). You dont need an excuse to wear or not wear something, it's your body and you can do with it what you want. If she doesnt like it then that's her problem, but you cant let her keep destroying your comfortability. You dont deserve to be put through this hell just cus your mother feels like it, it's not fair to you that she views you so low she cant respect your feelings just cus she wants to be a controlling bitch. Things like this will just get worse and worse. If I was in your position, I'd end up telling my mother to 'go screw herself', kick her in the shin if she laid a hand on me, then haul ass and hide someplace for a few hours until my dad was forced to be involved and tell her to knock off the crap.

You may get some relief from this if you can find something new to do with your time that going to the pool just gets in the way. If you're being productive with something, she may not try forcing you as long as you prove it's worth the time.

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noparlpf

Wow. No offense, OP, but your mother is a bit nutty. That's not really healthy behavior from her.

Anyway, I don't really know what to suggest. Post-transition with top surgery there would be no issue (knew a guy in college who had already had top surgery and just went in shorts like any other guy) but if you're more neutrois I don't know if that's something you'd look into anyway. And it seems like you're really not out at all. So yeah, I dunno. Just tell her that you can't handle swimming in a crowded, noisy, urine-filled public pool. Or if she just sends you to the pool without going too, just go to the library or something and read indoors.

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♣Ryan♣

I've come across this problem not too long ago actually. I came up with the rash guard as a solution. These shirts are meant to go into the water to help surfers from getting rashes from the sand and also protect you from the sun. I would tell your mother that you want to avoid sun for health reasons like skin cancer or that the sun irritates yours skin on certain parts and just wear this combined with a pair of board short swim trunks and it is perfect imo. They are really comfy to swim as well and best part of all both genders look so cute in them :wub: This is how i go swimming now ^_^

Scubapro-T-Flex-SS-Rash-Guard-for-Men.jp

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Sgt Salt

I'll see if I can get one of those. I'd be okay in that. :)

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ChristianK

You could always try Women's Swimming Boxers? I used.to wear them because I am not comfortable wearing Bikinis. You could try a shirt, like the one above?

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Amathy

I had a similar reason for not liking to go swimming. Thankfully tho I was able to just go in a t-shirt and shorts until vacations. I suggest you look into the brand ZeroXposur. The suits are made to be athletic and most have higher rise necks. Found some wonderful tankinis with shorts bottoms that have made swimming in public much more enjoyable. They're girly enough that they should satisfy your mother and utilitarian enough that they should at least be better for you. If you want to wear a swim shirt, there are more feminine ones at stores that might be a compromise between you and your mother. For convincing purposes, you can always say that you don't want to get sunburned because of the dangerous health consequences that come from too much sun exposure. Hope you find a solution and best of luck- it gets better.

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Mezzo Forte

As someone who has lived biking distance from the nearest beach for most of my life, I guess I have some experience with part of your dilemma, minus the parental conflict. My twin happens to be a huge fan of the beach, so I go there regularly when I'm with her as she kinda managers my social life when I'm with her, but I feel kinda disingenuous in a bikini. It's hard to explain why, but it just doesn't sit right with me and I just naturally gravitate toward more 'modest' (and often 'masculine') fashions in general. For a while, I just wore a bikini top and swim trunks, but I recently got a few swimshirts designed for UV protection and they work out really well for me. My mom actually showed them to me because of how easily I burn in the sun, and that can be a pretty convincing justifier regardless of gender identity, especially if you're not looking to tan at all and fear skin cancer like I do.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with your mother refusing to give your feelings or desires any agency. Even though my mother has always been very protective and has a way of fearing the worst, she still trusts me to make my own decisions and respects them. I can only hope that either your mom lightens up or that you have a chance to live how you choose to live once you're able to move out, even if it's just while college is in session or something.

P.S. Oh man, those band camp fainting/near-fainting incidents are never fun. Where I'm from, the marching season actually starts and ends later than everywhere else because the heat is so bad.

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TheAdrift

This is why I am SO glad that I surf!

I've been body-boarding for over a decade, and after a couple of years, I started to get rashes on my arms from where they rubbed against the board. I was never comfortable in bathing suits either--yeah, add that to the growing list of Missed Signs of Non-Binary Identity From My Childhood... of course, I was also deepy ashamed of my size (and still am), and that played a small part.

But one year, I got sunburned so bad that I spent most of our vacation in the apartment, sleeping it off! So the rash guards ("surf shirts," as I call them) were actually my mother's idea. After I started wearing surf shirts in the ocean, I just said TO HELL WITH BATHING SUITS IN GENERAL and started wearing surf shirts and swim trunks whether I was surfing or not.

I agree with the commenter who recommended ZeroXposur--they're probably the easiest to find. I would also recommend Blue-I and, if you're in the mood for a higher-end brand, Volcom. (Volcom made the best shirts I ever owned... shame I outgrew them all.)

Personally, I realize I have a few things going for me in this situation: first off, I'm fat, which is not normally something I would EVER list as an advantage unless we're talking flesh-eating diseases or frozen tundra, but it did make my desire to cover up understandable. Second, I do have relatively liberal parents who encouraged me to develop my own personality and sense of style, so I lucked out on that. I also had timing on my side, in a way--I didn't figure out that I was non-binary until just last year (Newbie Fist-Bump!) so by that time, I had some agency in my life. (Not a LOT, mind you, but at least I lived in a university apartment.)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm gonna go ahead and assume you're younger than me (I'll be 23 at the end of this month) and I really, honestly HATE to have to tell you this, but... you may just have to wait. It's not gonna be like this forever--you're not always going to be under her thumb, and while it sucks to have to be untrue to yourself to keep safe, it'll make moving out and taking over your own life that much sweeter. Freedom may come slowly, but you'll be surprised what a little of it can do--when I was in community college, I made $7.50 an hour in a shitty job, but I felt on top of the world by not having to go crawling to Mommy and Daddy every time I wanted to buy a shirt or see a movie. (I'm unemployed now, and I really notice that freedom now that it's gone.)

If I'm wrong, and you're actually of age, then what I just said applies more to EMOTIONAL freedom, but it still stands. I understand that parents can pull their children's strings from a distance, too. Don't fall into that trap--you'll thank yourself later.

Good luck, be safe, and tell me how things go for you <3 *hug*

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deltaX

Woe, your mom sounds like she's being kind of unreasonable about it. You should be able to chose for yourself how you want to dress.

I don't even think this is specifically a transgender issue, there are a lot of females who just don't feel comfortable in bikinis. I know I don't, even though I'm cisgendered female and don't have a problem with how I look. Whenever I go swimming I wear one piece bathing suit with swimming shorts on top. I also usually put a T-shirt over that when I'm not actually in the water. I just feel awkward if I'm not covered up, and I burn wayyyy to easily. You're not alone in bot liking bikinis or wanting to cover up with a shirt.

I don't really have much advice, but I do hope you are able to find some sort of compromise that will make you feel comfortable without your mom being mad at you.

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TheStarrySkai

Your mom sounds annoying. Hopefully things work out for you.

I have the same problem. Luckily for me my parents are slowly getting used to the fact that I don't care what gender people think I am. Unfortunately my mom keeps saying "You have to wear clothes that are meant for you body! Go wear some clothes that are made for girls" Ugh..... I get where she's coming from, but still. 99% of bathing suits for girls are bikinis and one piece swim suits that I'm not exactly a fan of.

I usually wear board shorts that go down to my knee or just above my knee, a sports bra and a rash guard. Unfortunately rash guards can be tight which makes me really awkward. The ones I have are anyway. I work at a summer camp that has swimming twice a day so I have to go swimming during the summer. Luckily last year I was with 3 and 4 year olds so the water was bellow my waist and I was fine with just my board shorts.

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float on

I don't understand what is your mother's argument that you can't wear more clothes than just a bikini?

Or is the issue that because of the heat you need to swim occasionally which means taking off whatever is covering you?

What about a library? Or maybe a job? Summer school? Nearby AVENites?

Would a cardigan help, or a sub dress?

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the_teal_noodle

Recently I have been dreading the upcoming summer holidays, because I'm really self conscious, but as others have said, I wear the surf top thing and shorts. You could get sunburnt intentionally, and then perhaps she would suggest covering up when you're not in the pool.

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Sgt Salt

I don't understand what is your mother's argument that you can't wear more clothes than just a bikini?

Or is the issue that because of the heat you need to swim occasionally which means taking off whatever is covering you?

What about a library? Or maybe a job? Summer school? Nearby AVENites?

Would a cardigan help, or a sub dress?

My mom's problem is I have a had a long history of going against her gender expectations of me. My parents are honestly terrified of me being a lesbian I believe, and in this household being a lesbian is one of the worst things you can be. If I don't wear a bikini or whatever, she thinks I'm trying to "go butch," and she needs to stop me. Or sometimes she thinks that it's me being insecure about my body, or it's just too much of an inconvenience to go out and buy a totally different swimsuit than what's offered mainstream.

I would totally go somewhere else if it weren't for the fact I'm not allowed to go anywhere by myself. I'm not allowed to leave my house without someone else being with me. Besides, according her I don't "get enough sun," and the reason I don't do that is because it is so ridiculously humid here that just laying outside is a death wish. I'm more than happy to go outside if there's something like a pool, and this leads us back to the original problem.

And regarding the rest: no job because I have no way of getting there, and no summer school because we have no money. I hate the summertime so much.

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kiaroskuro
My mom's problem is I have a had a long history of going against her gender expectations of me. My parents are honestly terrified of me being a lesbian I believe, and in this household being a lesbian is one of the worst things you can be. If I don't wear a bikini or whatever, she thinks I'm trying to "go butch," and she needs to stop me.

What a topsy-turvy world. My dad would have killed me if I had wanted to wear bikinis or other ‘revealing’ clothes (I never did, anyway); on the other hand, he is prejudiced against gays and lesbians. Keeping the fact that you’re queer to yourself may have its advantages ... or maybe not? Perhaps we should confront certain people with their biases and lies and outdated way of thinking.

Just some random thought.

I'm sorry I can't give you any good advice for your specific problem, Sgt Salt ...

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float on

the advice I really want to give I feel like it'd be rude to say so *sigh* heres to disregard of doubts

Tell her exactly how she makes you feel and how constricted you feel and how much (is it fear?) you feel because she's forcing you to be a certain way,

or, as the proverb goes, suck it up >.< blrggggg...... but like IDK how to say or explain to others how I managed to stick with it all these years... every day has felt like a challenge and the worst part is I can't validate that challenge that I feel with some sort of pain that's being given me it's obvious my pain comes within and not from the exterior world I'm in, but like I just sorta held fast and knew I could hold true and like um.......... I really don't know how I manage to always be calm and accepting, but I do... I wish I could explain better how I achieve my strengths... 'cause then I could really help out the peeps in front of me y'know?

I guess, somehow I manage to trust from within the depths of my system, even tho on the surface (what I see within myself) all trust has been broken

and I can go forward knowing that at the end of the day, I have accomplished.... even if I can't remember what, I trust that in the moment I was doing a fine job of things.... and that knowing/trust gives me power to push through

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Batman's Ace

Sheesh. Your mother is supposed to worry about you, as your mother, but she's going overboard. At 15 I was allowed to walk or bike into the center of town alone, and I didn't even have a cell phone in case I got in trouble. And that wasn't that long ago.

I strongly recommend the skin cancer argument to try to convince her you should cover up. Even if you don't get seriously burned, repeated exposure over long periods can result in cancer later in life. I know someone who had to get skin grafts. Like androyd, I wasn't allowed to have a bikini. I just got my first one a few months ago--and I'll probably still wear it under a shirt and shorts, because I'm that shy (and I hate being slimy with lotion). A possible compromise, if she allows you to cover up, is to pick maybe a rashguard and shorts that are pink or flowered or something else feminine-looking enough to keep her happy. Also a hat. Those large floppy-brimmed ones are practical; they keep the sun off the back of your neck.

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Harry Osborn

I hate swimsuits too. I don't think I'm trans (more like genderless) but swimsuits are so gender-defining, they make me uncomfortable. My band-aid solution for a few years was to wear a one-piece with a shirt over it, which was okay (but your mum won't let you do that, so that's no help).

My mother says similar things to me re: my aversion to bikinis (though not that I look like a boy, etc.) She erroneously thinks it's some sort of self-esteem problem (which it definitely is not), but we are not even remotely close, so it's not like I can tell her anything, least of all something as upsetting as that (she would ask too many questions and possibly make light of it, so I'd rather not go there).

My ideal swimming attire would be one of those 19th century male swimsuits. If I could wear that, I'd swim all the time. Otherwise, i just really don't like to go swimming (which is a shame because I enjoy actually swimming and it helps my joints).

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helana12_03

Lots of people don't feel comfortable in a bikini! I haven't worn one since I was about 13. You could tell your mother that you don't feel comfortable in the way you look in a bikini that's why you want to wear a shirt over it. Lots of people don't feel comfortable in a bikini! I haven't worn one since I was about 13 and I'm not transgender at all. I've been using rash guards and swim trunks instead of bathing suites for years.

UV protective swimwear also seems like a possible solution. It kind of looks like a unisex diving suit but still passes as a feminine swimsuit. Here are some examples:

61YA7KDvDaL._UY679_.jpg5179X1vBv%2BL._UX425_.jpg

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