Is my boyfriend asexual?

[Sille]

Hi guys,

I am sorry if somebody has already started a similar thread in here; I just found your website today and this forum looks like the place I have been searching for for years.

I am a 30 year old woman, my boyfriend is 37 and we have been together for a bit more than four years. We have lived together in the past three years and from the outside I guess our relationship seems quite perfect; we are young and successful in what we do, we have a lot of friends, live in a nice house etc., etc., BUT it has now been over a year since we have had anything with just a slight significance of sex.

Back when we met we weren't throwing ourselves at each other and when we started with sex after about a month of dating it was pretty bad; he lost erection after very few minutes and that was how our sexlife turned out to be over the next years - happening very rarely (once every 2-3-4-5 months) and with him only being able to keep his erection for a very short time. Now it has been over a year since anything happened.

When we "have sex" he does not come, his penis simply becomes flaccid very quickly and he never really engages in the sexual action as such; never any touching or cuddling, just him lying on his back with his eyes closed and being silent-kinda thing. He also never touches me on a daily basis; the most intimate thing we do, is to sleep in the same bed and kiss & hug. No making out, nothing.

At first I mostly found it kinda weird and now, after more than four years, I am about to lose my mind. Whenever I try to talk about it he just says that he doesnt know why he is not into sex, and that it has always been like that. I dont want it to sound like I am a horny monster or something, not at all, but I really, really miss the intimacy; my self-esteem is no longer existing and I would also very much like to have children at one point.

I do love him very dearly and I know that he loves me too. I will break his heart if I leave him, but I almost see no other option at this point.

I did not know about asexuality until I stumbled upon an article in a newspaper the other day - so I am really hoping for some help and advice from some of you guys! Does the "symptoms" above sound like asexuality to you?

Looking forward to hear from you, thanks in advance!

[eched]

There is no real specific symptoms for being asexual. We really can't say that he is, BUT if you didn't hear about it, then he likely hasn't heard about it and that could be what is happening.

I would say to point out this website to him and tell him about what being asexual is. DO NOT say he is asexual. You should never say someones sexuality, just make him aware that this is a real thing.

Once he is aware of it, he can tell you if he is, and you two can go from there. Point out that sex is important, and you need something. Maybe not sex, sex, but you two do need to talk and compramise. Some ace people try out open relationships so there is that idea as well.

[Kasio]

I agree with eched on the course of action you should take.

Also, it sounds like you love each other deeply. It's very important that you communicate with him and tell him your needs, while acknowledging his. You should be able to successfully come to a mutual understanding! Love is about caring about the other person so as long as you each care about the other and try to make the other person happy, you'll find your relationship in a satisfying, happy place. If not, and he really can't fulfill your needs in a satisfactory way, it might be better for your own well-being to break it off.

Good luck! And remember to communicate!