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Reginald

How do you know you like someone?

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Reginald

So for all of you asexuals out there, how can you tell when you like someone without that extra biological push towards a specific individual. I have never dated before, not because I don't have amazing people in my life, but because I've never had that clear indicator of attraction to distinguish who I like as a friend and who I like as someone I want to be more than friends with. One of my asexual friends once told me that "there was definitely a great big red button" when explaining to me her attraction to her long time crush. So without those biological road signs screaming "This one! This one! I want this one!" how do you all go about figuring out who are people that you want to date and build a romantic relationship with?

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RhuinHruda

That's a good question. And honestly, I don't know. The last relationship I could have had was before I realized I was asexual. Since I've come to terms with it, I haven't had any "crushes" or really met anyone I was interested in. This may partly because of things going on in my life.

But I'd like to have a relationship. I just don't know if the feelings are still there. So I really can't answer this for you. Maybe someone else can.

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gylph

my squishes/crushes tend to happen to friends, so i know i've developed one when i turn about five years old and i'm compelled to do anything to get their attention, usually trying to make them laugh. it's kind of like, "i find you more interesting and i want you to find me more interesting too."

there isn't really feelings beyond that though. i go as far as imagining a relationship happening with the squish/crush but i don't want to do anything to start one. past experience has got me a little jaded about it, i guess.

sorry if that wasn't much help! it's a tough question, and i think everyone is bound to have a different reaction.

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Rean

I think there might a difference here between romantics and aromantics. I'm guessing I'm an aromantic, and I've assumed that's why I don't really feel almost any kind of "pull" towards anyone. I've had crushes, I guess, but I never felt any need to do anything about them. I still don't know if I'll ever feel that need or if I just haven't met that "special someone" yet. At this time in my life, it really doesn't matter either.

So to answer your question, I don't know how one knows that. I've just assumed that they do, somehow.

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Guest Lady.Lizard

I'm a demiromantic, and they way I spotted that I liked my friend( we're now dating, so it did work) was when I found myself really enjoying spending time with just him, and not with friends around. Besides that, there comes a point where you would quite literally do anything to help them - and if they fancied someone else, you would happily step away so they could be with someone who made them happy.

There is a bit of a 'big red button', but it's not as obvious to us as it is to sexuals, the hints come mainly from your emotional reaction to them, and whether or not you can visualise being with them in a relationship. So, things like coffee dates, maybe a hug, and you could consider just belonging to each other and being perfectly happy with that. And you wouldn't change anything about them, nothing at all.

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Mioav

As a mostly aromantic/possible Demi romantic For me I tend to feel drawn to people emotionally, I can normally notice when said person is down or has some sort of little change it's like having hyper senses around said person, and occasional day dream and notice romantic songs/music more.

Also feeling sick, I mean physically ill as if I was about to throw up or drank some sort of poison.

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FiddleKid

I'm aromantic but I get squishes so wanting to be friends with someone on a platonic level, spending time, talking about interests etc

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sindi

It's just an intuitive thing... some sort of special happiness fills me when I'm around those people (or more like when I used to be -_- ). I almost feel like they shine in some way and make me shine as well :mellow:

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awkwardace93

I think I know I like somebody once I can't stop thinking about them, and I just want to talk to them all the time and hold their hand and be super cute together. ^_^

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LittleRabbit

I don't think I ever really have a clear clue of how I feel.

Sometimes, if I feel particularly drawn to a person I feel that must be what "liking" someone is, but then when I sit on it for a while it seems to fade in a day or so and it appears to be nothing.

Or, I'll speak to the person in question but it doesn't lead to anything because I don't want it to and the idea of anything romantic or sexual with another person is generally repulsive to me, so I seem to get over these things really quickly, which makes me think that it's not actually "liking" someone, but simply be filling in the void of what that should be with people who I get along with?

Either way, being able to discuss "liking" people with friends, even if it seems to vanish as quickly as the words are said, seems to make them happy (not that I do it to fit in or satisfy them, of course. It's just appreciated that I can be open with them rather than my usual, supposedly "uncaring" self)

I think that when it happens, you'll know. You'll feel particularly connected to the person more so than just standard friends. You'll want to spend more time with them, perhaps be closer. There's definitely a distinguishable draw to another person. I find that when people are unsure about feelings and liking a person, the most telling sign if when they see the person in question being close with another person who could be a suitor. Usually they feel a pang of jealousy, upset. Negative feelings when seeing them a certain way with someone that isn't them...that's usually what distinguishes "liking" someone as a potential other half, and liking someone as a friend.

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Philip027
I think I know I like somebody once I can't stop thinking about them, and I just want to talk to them all the time and hold their hand and be super cute together.

This kinda sums it up best for me. Which, to be honest, is probably how plenty of sexual folks think, too.

As for not having that "extra push" as the OP puts it, I actually think that can make things simpler for us to figure out. I'd imagine at least some people with sexual impulses can confuse their sexual attractions for "liking someone" when that actually might not be the case.

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transformer1903

I'm sexual and have sexual crushes on people, but used to get tons and tons of squishes on people in a more-than-friend way. Before I was familiar with the term, I called it my Platonic Crush of the Week, where suddenly I thought Dave or Rachel or whoever was hilarious to the point of practically wetting myself, incredibly kind and generous, clever and had exquisite taste in films and books. Later I worked out that the pull was slightly more abstract than that, and though I still considered these attractions to be asexual ones, they started to last longer. I would arrange for such people to be close friends of mine and fervently hope they never wanted to have sex with me and "ruin it".

Now I'm with somebody and I still know this to be something other than a sexual pull, but when they make a joke I laugh hardest, when they take my hand I still get a bit of a rush, I feel the spot where they've recently touched me go sensitive for a long time, and I generally find myself being silly and happy and quick-witted in their presence. That and I'm one of those people who sweats when experiencing practically any emotion, from sexual excitement to "didn't quite sneeze", and for months I had to apologise and mop my nervously sweaty brow whenever we met up. Thankfully they found it amusing, and thankfully I wasn't trying to shag them. Sexual partners are less forgiving.

While it's not a biological thing in that I don't want to squeeze their sexy bits, I think it's possibly mistaken to suggest that a romantic attachment is devoid of hormonal responses if you aren't having sex.

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Aworld

I've never been in a relationship but I've had romantic crushes and I dunno, it's just kind of like they're really cute and you want to stare at them and you get really nervous around them, more nervous than usual :blush: I just get really flustered and can't speak straight. Thank goodness it doesn't happen much!

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HiddenDemons

I think someone said it by saying that they're always thinking about that person and they want to talk to them all the time. Another way I know is it's the little things my crushes do that can make me happy like saying hi or something like that. For example, I like this girl who I don't really talk to (but we have a mutual friend who's a good friend of mine) but we're hanging out next week (with said mutual friend) so I can talk to her and blah. ANYWAYS, she waved and smiled at me today which made my day cause it's more than even people I'm good friends with do (mainly cause they don't see me or they're talking with someone) but still, it's nice to be noticed by someone who basically only knows me cause of Facebook and seeing me around school. Basically, when she waved and smiled I got butterflies and if I had any doubts about my crush I don't have any after that.

(Sorry for the longness!)

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Rean

I've never been in a relationship but I've had romantic crushes and I dunno, it's just kind of like they're really cute and you want to stare at them and you get really nervous around them, more nervous than usual :blush: I just get really flustered and can't speak straight. Thank goodness it doesn't happen much!

I'm not sure if my rare crushes have been romantic or not, but that nervousness thing is really something I can do without. So much so that when I was a teenager and had a particularly persistent crushy-feeling, I tended to avoid its object as much I could since the feeling was so unpleasant and unpredictable.

This is acutally largely why I suppose that none of mu "crushes" have been what my sexual pals call crushes, since those seem to invariably involve wanting to get closer to the person in question.

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transformer1903

Sometimes it can be a real mixture of the two, especially when you're a bit younger. I remember the first guy I dated (I was a late bloomer at 16) I'd spotted in school dinners about four years before and had never approached! But if you dont think the way you feel around this person is positive, then you're right to leave it.

Then again, I'm an absolute fool around people I'm attracted to, whether in a sexual way or just in a romantic way, and it can be really quite uncomfortable. I personally feel very exposed, a lot less funny than I usually am, and I sweat buckets. When my relationship was very new, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I used to feel quite ill in the mornings with fear and stress. It was months before my partner admitted that for a couple of months after that really stressful period they felt ill whenever they were about to see me, in a kind of anticipation but also out of sympathy. They even had to cancel a few times meeting up because it got that bad!

Ultimately emotions are bloody weird.

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Mad Skittlez

I've had a good deal of crushes, so I've got a pretty good idea of when I'm romantically attracted to someone. Usually, I tend to find them aesthetically attractive, but I find it mostly focuses on whether they have qualities I like (kind, smart, good sense of humor). For me, I tend to get nervous around them, but I find I want to spend more time with them. I'll subconsciously try harder to make them laugh, and I might get a little jealous when they're paying a lot of attention to someone else (it's childish, I know, but crushes aren't rational). The big red flag is when you think about the person and find you like everything about them, even their flaws. That's actually the one thing I dislike most about crushes: that they blind you to the person's bad qualities, even when everyone else can see them. That's just my experience, though. As far as actually falling in love with someone, I don't think I've experienced that yet.

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Squirrel Combat

I guess the biggest indicator would be how much you would dislike that girl of interest dating some other guy. How much do you find yourself looking at her, especially if you catch her looking at you. Do you fantasize about her to an absurd degree? But even then, for me, I've felt myself being held back from approaching them because it didn't seem right. They were somebody I could have gotten to know and certainly wouldn't have minded knowing. But I never said "desired" in the last sentence.

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luxurieux

I confuse squishes with crushes a lot of times. I think I'm grayromantic (maybe demiromantic?).

The only relationship I've been in was over the internet, so I can't say how I know I like someone in real life. In all honesty, I think I prefer long-distance relationships anyway.

To answer your question, I know I like someone when I can't stop thinking about them, I want to talk to them often even if it's just to mention something I saw at Walmart, they make me smile by doing nothing more than texting me. It's all emotional. I don't really have much desire to hold hands or cuddle or whatever, at least not early on. It takes a bit of time before I'm comfortable with any kind of physical display of affection.

I have a strong desire to find someone like this again (preferably online because I'm a chicken) because I've experienced it before and I miss it terribly. But I've given up most hope of finding someone any time soon at the very least.

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transformer1903

Falling in love is generally quite different, it's either immediately fantastic or immediately bloody awful, and sits on you like guilt.

I'm quite an impulsive person though, so I've never had the "growing into it" type of love some people seem to get, that sounds a lot more civilised. I have had something I would describe as love twice, and one of those severe crushes that doesn't go away for a couple of years too. I think the difference with the crush is you see them doing something bad and it might make you feel awful, but you let them get away with it.

If you fall in love, or fall in love the good way anyway, you can confront those things about someone and understand that they're worth it but that it will be a challenge, and when they love you, they're more likely to make an effort to help with it.

With a bad crush or bad love, you imagine a future where you're almost subservient to the person, and all your daydreams are about helping them. With something that will work, the healthier love, you can see your own future, and don't lose any ambition for yourself, but imagine your little paths interweaved.

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transformer1903

Somebody really needs to make an online dating website that caters for non-binary people, my partner has all sorts of hell trying to pick a gender to attract people with

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noparlpf

It takes me a while to figure it out, especially because I don't want to and sort of push myself to not like them. And at some point I kind of know, but it takes me longer to admit it to myself because I don't want it to have happened. But I don't think there are any specific signals that I'm aware of that let me know. Like, maybe thinking about them more than usual, or wanting more of their time to yourself.

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OkayWithIt

I think I know I like somebody once I can't stop thinking about them, and I just want to talk to them all the time and hold their hand and be super cute together. ^_^

Basically this! I know I like someone when they persist my thoughts. Being around them gives me an unparalleled sense of happiness. When I get electronic communication from them that they initiate, I get excited. When they hug me, it's amazing.

My feelings for someone usually always stem from a friendship, so there's always already some connection lol. :)

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FaerieFate

Well, let's talk in terms of the people I currently like. It's different for everyone because, like sexual attraction, it's not something that can be explained, only felt, and it's different from person to person.

Well, the guy I currently like. When I first met him, there was nothing screaming, "THIS IS THE ONE!" Like, he was just a cool guy, and we exchanged numbers. Then we started texting, and it just connected. It was like, through texts, we understood each other better than any normal friendship. We had only been texting for a week, and without any discussion on it, we had developed our own little texting game. It kind of progressed from there. He was flirting over texts, and it got to a point where ever time he texted me I would smile. I would be so happy to talk to him. It was an adorable relationship, but we weren't yet in a committed relationship.

He moved away, but then he started saving money and such to come visit s owe could go on a date. It happened. For me, that feeling is someone I can trust. It's someone who makes me happy and just understands me. I don't know what it is about him, but he makes me feel so comfortable. Not only does he know what to say and when to say it, but he knows when not to say anything and just let me talk, which is huge for me. Then I came out as asexual. He first told me that he didn't believe it because people have told him that they were before and had it not be true. Still, he continued to text me and just took the information in stride.

Eventually he did take me on a date and stayed at my place (because hotels are expensive). We opened up. I was nervous because I can't trust people. He was nervous because I'm asexual. There are certain lines in a relationship, and he just didn't want to cross them. It's so sweet. When my mom found out, she got all upset. She constantly told me that it couldn't work. I shouldn't have told him. If he found someone that wasn't asexual and he liked, he would lose interest in me. I got really upset. This is the core of how I realized that I liked this guy. I mean everything I have said until now were small indicators, but this one was the one where you just know. It's like a hypothesis then the proof. I got upset, torn, and hurt. I started doubting myself. We're still not in a serious relationship, but we both seriously like each other. I don't even know what it is that he likes about me, but he does and it's amazing!

I had to text him. I had to confirm that he accepted me for being asexual. Well, he did. That's not the point, though. There are those small indicators, but you will hit a point where you start doubting yourself, and if you would be hurt in losing them, then you know. If you don't want to lose the budding relationship you have with them, then you obviously like them.

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littlepersonparadox

I can usually tell because of romantic feeling for that person. But it takes awhile and there more covert to me. Normally its that i feel happier when that person is there. I feel excited when they call more than i usually would, becasue we are going to get to hang out. When they are around i feel more calm and relaxed and that i can be myself more. That is what usually tell me i like someone.

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littlepersonparadox

I think I know I like somebody once I can't stop thinking about them, and I just want to talk to them all the time and hold their hand and be super cute together. ^_^

Basically this! I know I like someone when they persist my thoughts. Being around them gives me an unparalleled sense of happiness. When I get electronic communication from them that they initiate, I get excited. When they hug me, it's amazing.

My feelings for someone usually always stem from a friendship, so there's always already some connection lol. :)

or more bluntly put i feel exactly like the people quoted do.

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