Is there a way to kill sexual desire?

[Xavi]

Hi, I'm a sexual man in a relationship with, what I believe is, an asexual woman. I've been with her for over 6 years now, going to get married in September.

We've struggled more or less all the way, but in the last months it's been worse than ever, having sex more or less once each second month.

I insisted several times before on visiting a couples advisor but she refuses: her position is that I don't do the right things to turn her on, so she suggests I go to the advisor myself. I can admit I'm not the perfect lover, but I have tried everything she's suggested to turn her on and it doesn't work (every time there's something different I do wrong or I don't get right, so in my point of view, *she* doesn't know what she wants). I haven't brought the asexuality topic to the table, with her attitude she'll most likely feel offended. I'm starving so much for sex that I started thinking about killing my desire.

To all the sexuals out there in a relationship with an asexual, have you ever consider "treating" your sexuality? Is there a way to this? If there's no way of bringing asexuals to the sexual territory, maybe it's possible the other way around?

Thanks.

[MC Dusters]

No. sexual desire is a gift. You could ask "is there a way to cure homsexuality?" That and this question is rather absurd, no offence.

[ArtGa]

Hi Xavi

You sure that your girl friend is straight? I mean.. She could be a lesbian or even an asexual woman, there are many possibilities.

As I know, having sexual desire is biologically normal for human beings, cause if there wasn't this desire, we wouldn't have bred our tribe.

However, there are so many psychical reasons, which can influence our sexual desire. There are just so many facts like hormones, traumas, mental disorders etc.

Well.. you're going to marry her, I think, it's very very important to talk about everything first, which could lead your partnership to fail. Normally, men can hardly live without sex and if there's such a problem like this, it surely gonna ruin your marriage.

DON'T RUIN YOUR LIVES AND GET FIRST THE THING CLEARLY!

Tell her, that she can trust you and she should talk all about her sexual orientation or whatever she's thinking of it.

btw it's sometimes normal on some women that they are just disinterested in sex, what can be changed after a certain time. Women's sexual desire starts to rise from (something like) 30 on.

[Xavi]

I've wondered about her orientation myself, she often hugs and have physical contact with her girl friends in a way that makes me wonder. I just ignore it and consider that is her way of showing care to close friends. Anyway, we've talked about it and she thinks she's bisexual. I have joked many times saying that she's 100% lesbian and only interested in men because society imposed it, but she denies it. Anyway, if she was lesbian, she'd still have desire, right? She doesn't "release herself" (that's what she tells me and I believe her), so I don't know how to interpret it.

Thanks for your reply.

[dakdoc]

It sounds like there needs to be a very genuine and transparent conversation about this between the two of you. If you are unable to have such a conversation at this point, regardless of the reason, you may consider how that reflects on this relationship and what that means for you. Going into a marriage in about 4 months, you should be thinking about many other things. I think looking for ways to kill your own sexual desire will only bring more hardship and pain. PM me if you like.

[pnnn]

avoid watching porn or anything that stimulates you brain. Don't allow yourself to think about sex and focus on other things. schedule your day and keep yourself busy, find a hobby, exercise etc... these are things I did to supress my feelings. but I don't think you should kill your sex life

[Kanenas]

Welcome to the AVEN, Xavi. Love that name!

You sound like you have put a lot of thought into this and I don't see why you shouldn't bring asexuality up. You have to consider two things. First of all, both of you deserve to be happy. Second, you are going to get married and ignoring problems cannot be the solution. Therefore, if I were you, I would discuss it with her and let her know that no matter the outcome, she can tell you the truth and you won't be judgmental of her. It's interesting you were starting to think about whether or not she's a lesbian. We cannot know this, only she can. I for example, am an asexual lesbian.

Concerning your initial question, you know that it's not healthy to do that, but I will share my thoughts on this with you. Foods like licorice, soy and corn have the reputation to lower the libido. But that just is not true. Can you kill your drive? I guess you could diminish it by intense guilt tripping. But that is so far from healthy or fair towards yourself, please don't consider that. Certain meds/drugs do that, but that is really absurd. You are fine the way you are and the same goes for your fiancee. When you know how she is feeling, you can try to work it out. Until then, you cannot really do anything and that's why I am telling you that I would definitely talk to her. Communication is key, even if some situations get a little awkward. It's always worth it.

[pnnn]

Going into a marriage in about 4 months, you should be thinking about many other things. I think looking for ways to kill your own sexual desire will only bring more hardship and pain.

I agree with Dakdoc

[ArtGa]

@ Xavi

It's hard to figure out, how homosexuals think or feel, if you're a straight man..

Such statement like 'You could be 100% lesiban' could've hurt her!

Oh.. now I kinda see the difficulty, you talking with your girl friend about this theme..

As I know, many (female) homosexuals deny their sexual orientation and think it's truly wrong. So, they force themselves to be 'normal', to suit to the actual society. (Well.. male homosexuals kinda have this pressure, too, but.. as you know as a man.. For males, denying sexual desire is just to hard to accomplish)

And.. about this 'girl's skinship'.. It's kinda normal by girls and.. you don't have to believe me, but.. a woman's love is so much more platonic than physical. That's why many women having this.. kind of 'bisexual predisposition'.

Well, it's up to you. If you can live without (much) sex, just marry her as planned. (btw, DON'T EVER BE DISLOYAL) If you can't.. it would be hard, but you just have to figure it out, what the real problem behind the sexual disinterest of your girl friend is.

[SorryNotSorry]

There are a few drugs, including Androcur and Lupron, which have been somewhat successful in suppressing the male libido (I have no idea if they work on women)... however, such drugs are usually administered to sex offenders, and the side effects are pretty serious.

In other words, forget about that magic bullet.

[noparlpf]

You can kill sexual desire via castration or taking drugs such as SSRIs. I do not recommend either of these approaches.

(In my case, Prozac actually drastically increased my libido, without affecting my attraction to people, and it did cause erectile dysfunction as normal. My psych had never heard of that happening. I stopped that cold turkey (not advised) just to make it stop sooner.)

I would recommend talking to her. If you can't communicate in a relationship, you shouldn't be getting married anyway. If necessary, bring a counselor into the equation. Bring up the idea of asexuality. Talk about compromise. If she wants to have sex and is sexually attracted to you but can't get physically aroused, she might have a medical condition. If she is asexual and just wants to want to have sex or thinks she's "supposed to" have sex, then it would be better for both of you for her to come to terms with her sexuality and work from there. You might be able to compromise on infrequent sex, or on finding non-romantic sexual release through casual flings on the side (BUT DO NOT CHEAT, ONLY DO THIS IF YOU AGREE IT WOULD BE OKAY), or it might be that the relationship can't work out with your incompatible orientations.

[Sally]

You both are already miserable. So why are you getting married?

Asexuality is an orientation, just as different types of sexuality are orientations. You cannot "kill" your orientation. If you are naturally attracted sexually to other people, taking medications isn't going to change that. If she is not sexually attracted to anyone, nothing she will do will change that.

You and she may just be different. That difference is going to make a marriage very unpleasant, unless you both are able to compromise. Compromise means an agreement that each of you get less than you want, but enough to make you relatively content.

Think about that before you start trying chemicals.

[Moon Ace]

I have to agree with Sally... While I was reading your post I could see red lights flashing all over the place... Getting married is a big step and if you're struggling so much already...

There is such a thing as changing yourself so much for the sake of someone else or a relationship that your identity is lost. It sounds like sex is fundamentally important to you and to be blunt... I think it would be very unhealthy and against your nature at a deeper level to artificially get rid of your sexual needs...

It's a very drastic and desperate thing to do which may well have serious other consequences. You may well feel that in the future, at times when your relationship struggles a bit, you are going to resent her because of the sacrifice you made for her.... Whatever you do you have to do for you, if that makes sense...

Just my opinion...

[Percivel]

Xavi,

I think lots of us sexuals in mixed relationships have thought of, and even tried, a host of things to curb our sexual desires. If there was a fix we all would be screaming it from the rooftops! But, I also think that sexual intimacy is a natural part of us that is very powerful and very hard to control...and it is a gift. Going into a marriage with that kind of incompatibility, particularly without communication, compromise and acceptance, is not encouraging. I wouldn't recommend that ever.

I do believe that love requires sacrifice, and often great sacrifice, but it seems to me your road to marriage may not be fair to you or to her. You will be in for a hard, hard road.

[Smiley100]

No. sexual desire is a gift. You could ask "is there a way to cure homsexuality?" That and this question is rather absurd, no offence.

Sexual desire is NOT a gift and if it was where would I go to renew this gift for my husband. =P Really it is, in my non-expert opinion, a biochemical issue. And theoretically yes you could affect desire for lets say a man by lowering his testosterone. However, what is not fully know it what else effect desire. Desire does serve and evolutionary purpose and that is the ensuring the continuation of the species. I define it as broken anything that does not further our species to survive. Sure it is apparent that this is not isolated and maybe there is a purpose for such things to happen that we have yet to uncover. Though I don't see any usefulness in homosexuality, asexuality, or any other for that matter. In any case they all deserve to be understood, tolerated, and treated with dignity with equal rights. I also just want to say I am an atheist....so this opinion does not come any religious dogma.

[noparlpf]

No. sexual desire is a gift. You could ask "is there a way to cure homsexuality?" That and this question is rather absurd, no offence.

Sexual desire is NOT a gift and if it was where would I go to renew this gift for my husband. =P Really it is, in my non-expert opinion, a biochemical issue. And theoretically yes you could affect desire for lets say a man by lowering his testosterone. However, what is not fully know it what else effect desire. Desire does serve and evolutionary purpose and that is the ensuring the continuation of the species. I define it as broken anything that does not further our species to survive. Sure it is apparent that this is not isolated and maybe there is a purpose for such things to happen that we have yet to uncover. Though I don't see any usefulness in homosexuality, asexuality, or any other for that matter. In any case they all deserve to be understood, tolerated, and treated with dignity with equal rights. I also just want to say I am an atheist....so this opinion does not come any religious dogma.

I agree that sexual desire is not "a gift".

What I want to say here is that orientations like homosexuality and asexuality are hypothesised to emerge in order to provide more adults to care for fewer young. Basically, get more older siblings staying home to help raise younger siblings, or aunts and uncles staying with their siblings to help raise their siblings' children. One's sibling shares the same amount of genetic information as one's offspring, so nephews and nieces are basically just grandchildren without the hassle of having to mate for yourself. It's like hyper-K-selection.

[roryjack]

I've often wished and prayed for something I could take to stop my sexual desire. I've searched the web before figuring there must be something but it is always dead ends and rumors. My wife has tried to avoid taking anti-depression drugs that have a side effect of reducing desire. Why can't they make drugs specifically for that effect? Of course I don't want horrible side effects. But I don't know why there can't be a good product. I have a really, really strong sexual drive. I think about sex hours every day. My brain is in overdrive with it all the time. Anxiety and depression can occupy the mind in a similar way and that may be why those drugs work. You get stuck in a loop of thought and can't get out of it. It seems like a similar chemical thing. I want a cure. If I could just get rid of the desire my life would be so much easier. I have to battle all kinds of temptations and feel guilty for them. I could focus my efforts on things far more productive. Yeah, sure if I were married to someone more like me sexually, it might be a gift for both of us, but as it is it is more like a curse.

It seems like someone could come up with something effective if there was a market for it, but there just aren't that many people clamoring for it.

I think part of the problem is that everyone tries to talk you out of it - how a sex drive is such a natural healthy thing. I know a big theme of this site is that we should just accept ourselves for what we are, and that is fine, but living in a mixed relationship requires both sides to adapt. It just does. She has done things to try to increase her desire, or at least to not decrease it. Why shouldn't I be willing to do my part?

[Philip027]

You can kill sexual desire via castration

Just wanna say, this won't necessarily work.

I had the pleasure of meeting a guy who was effectively castrated (more specifically, he got his netherregions blown off in some sort of military incident, was confined to a wheelchair and needed tubes and devices and whatnot attached to him to drain wastes away) and I was too young to recognize it then, but looking back on it later it was extremely obvious that the guy was incredibly sexually frustrated. No idea what he was like before then (it was the one and only time I ever met the guy) but it wouldn't surprise me to find out that castration can actually make this sort of thing worse.

[Guest]

You can kill sexual desire via castration

Just wanna say, this won't necessarily work.

I had the pleasure of meeting a guy who was effectively castrated (more specifically, he got his netherregions blown off in some sort of military incident, was confined to a wheelchair and needed tubes and devices and whatnot attached to him to drain wastes away) and I was too young to recognize it then, but looking back on it later it was extremely obvious that the guy was incredibly sexually frustrated. No idea what he was like before then (it was the one and only time I ever met the guy) but it wouldn't surprise me to find out that castration can actually make this sort of thing worse.

Yeah. People who are injured etc to the point they cannot have sex still want to have sex, they just aren't able (if they wanted to in the first place). It has to be incredibly frustrating for them.

There is no way I know to actually kill off your desire. You can train yourself to associate sex with something gross, but that is hardly healthy and won't end the frustration. It's much healthier to try to find a solution to make you both content by communicating. And if communication is not something you two can do, I would suggest NOT getting married until you figure that part out. Communication is key to keeping a marriage together for A LOT of reasons, not just sex.

[otakuzaru]

Individuals need sex no more than they need cigarettes. They may want or strongly crave it, though, especially if they are surrounded by sexually arousing stimuli all the time. Move to a culture disinterested in sex for entertainment, eat a raw nutritionally dificient fruitarian diet, give your sexual partner a makeover that makes her look repulsive, make a conscious effort not to fantasize, get chased by a t rex, struggle to find food and shelter every night...that should do it. I've tried a few. But in the end? I like expressing my sexuality. It sounds like you do, too, otherwise you wouldn't be 'starving'. I wouldn't try to put a lid on it unless you plan on going all the way and breaking up and moving to a de-sexualized environment. If she's not interested in couples therapy, perhaps you could look into it on your own, and try some self therapy.

P.S. My wife has no sexual urges to speak of, but she can recognize when her body is esterous, and she can also enjoy sex just for fun every now and then, as well as appreciate the intimacy. I'm not saying this is the case with your fiance, I am only pointing out that it isn't impossible for someone with no urge to act out sexually to in fact act out and enjoy sexuality.

[Too Old for this Site]

Speaking from experience (as the asexual party in a relationship with a sexual person), I would recommend postponing any wedding plans until she is able to come to terms with WHY she is not ever experiencing sexual desire for you. There are several possibilities. Maybe her interests are elsewhere. Maybe she is having some sort of physical, emotional or health issue. Maybe she just really isn't that into you. Maybe she is, as you suspect, asexual. But if she's going to continue to blame you for her lack of sexual desire, this problem is only going to get worse after you're married. And no, your sex drive is not going to go away. Getting married at this point will not be fair to either of you.

I wish I had figured this out for myself years ago - I ruined a couple of perfectly good relationships unnecessarily. I hope you'll avoid making the same mistake I did.

[londonfog]

Echoing all the advice about the two of you having a serious conversation about your relationship. Definitely should be your next step.

It is possible to decrease how often you have sexual urges. Just don't masturbate or engage in sex. The less you're sexually stimulated the less often you'll think about sex/want it (you'll still have urges from time to time but you'll see a marked decrease after a few weeks). Its a widely accepted scientific understanding that if you have sex you'll want more of it etc etc and that it works the opposite way too. I wish I had a legit source to cite but you'll just have to look it up if you want to read right from a source I guess.

:) Or just masturbate all the time. Since you're willing to contemplate ways of ignoring your sex drive I'm guessing you're not too concerned with connecting to your partner on an emotional level through sex, so just cutting out partnered sex shouldn't be a big deal. Invest in some toys and have at it. You could see if your partner would be into watching so it could still involve the two of you. Best wishes!

[PurveyorOfBadPuns]

Dude, I think you need to insist that you go to a counselor. This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and coming from an asexual perspective, you DO NOT deserve to take the blame for your partner's lack of desire for sex. It is unkind of her to make you feel bad for something that is not your fault. Either she needs to be able to instruct you in strategies that work, or someone else does.

And coming from a person with a libido (that I personally prefer to handle through masturbation) your sex drive is not going away, and both of you need to deal with that. You do not need to be the person that suffers, because that will lead to resentment and marital problems over time.