Trouble accepting my asexuality (and aromanticism?). Help?

[ledsenochglad]

This if my first post here and I'm writing because I feel really sad right now and think I need some support from the ace community. People maybe find this offensive because it's stuff that sexual people very often say to asexuals in disrespectful ways... So I'm warning or something... Anyhow it's how I feel and I need to share it with some aces.

I realised I was asexual about seven months ago. At first I was a bit terrified by this, mostly cause it felt like I couldn't know myself at all since I had missed out on this. What more is there about me I've totally missed?

After some lurking around here it felt better and I also managed to come out to my closest friends. But I'm still having troubles accepting my asexuality and I think it's some sort of FOMO (fear of missing out). I really don't want to have sex but the fact that it's so glorified and pervates everything in society makes me feel like I'm missing out on something essential. I compare it with when I was younger and didn't get invited to the cool people in my class' bithday parties. I didn't like them but when everyone talked about the party afterwards I felt like I really had wanted to be there, even though I knew I'd probably not have a good time there. Another example: watching a movie or a tv series that everybody watches at the moment just to be able to take part of the conversations people are having about them every day.

When I realised I was asexual I thought about if I was aromantic too (I rarely fall in love and have never been in a romantic relationship), but I assumed not, since I actually fall in love now and then. Though now I'm starting to doubt that too since I only fall in love with famous people or people I don't know very well (who, if I do get to know them, loose interest in). I'm thinking maybe I just project feelings on being in love on people, and when I understand that they're not like I thought they were, I can even feel a bit disgusted by them. Confusing...

Once again sorry for this - but I feel like love and sex is such an important part of humanity's collective feelings and experiences. It's something that connects people from all cultures and through all of history. Especially love (but also sex of course) is something that so frequently is being referred to in media, art, your social life, school – all of society basically. Like I said, I don't want to have sex, and I'm not desperate for a romantic partner. It's just a feeling of missing out.

It hurts me to not being able to relate to all of this and thinking that I'll probably never get to experience those emotions. Finding out that I was asexual (and maybe aromantic) has made me find myself and understood better who I am – but I'm not sure I like what I found :( sometimes I wish I could forget what I found out because I don't want to be weird or different. And that sucks :(

[DarkDragonn]

Reading your post is pretty much like reading my own experience. I think I might as well refer you to a post I made in this topic:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/102349-self-acceptance/

It deals with pretty much the same question, and there are a lot of good comments there. Take a look at my first reply, maybe it will help.

A lot of us here have a similar experience. Most aromantics (and other asexuals) can probably sympathize with what you're saying here. When I look at other people's experiences, it looks like many were able to accept this part of themselves. Hopefully, you and I will be able to do that too someday.

[Synchrèse]

I think you're brave that you actually came out as I'm not really sure about this part - I've just discovered these things and more or less subconsciously I'm still denying it - and I know that this denial is absurd, and I also know that it is due to all that sexual, romantic crap which is being forced down our throats on a daily basis and which makes me feel like I'm a cold, heartless alien.

But think about it: you hurt yourself by not accepting who you are because you do not conform to some sexual, heteronormative expectations of our society? Sexual orientation is something completely independent from us, being scared, denying it, repressing it will not change a thing. Besides, just because something is publicly glorified and praised, and talked about all the time doesn't mean anything. In 1930's in the Nazi Germany they praised eugenics and antisemitism, do they praise it now? No, it has changed over the time. Mentality, social constructs...it all changes.

I understand your fear of missing something out as I also have this fear...it stays somewhere there, at the back of my head, but then I just think: I've never cared about romantic relationships or sex, I've never felt romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, so maybe I'm missing something from the society's perspective, but since I have never craved for these things...do I really miss anything from the personal point of view? Also from my personal experience: I had couple chances to engage in a romantic/ sexual relationships, but I would never feel any sort of attraction to these people, so I never agreed for that, because it would be painful for all of us: for me as I would do something completely against what I feel (or rather don't feel) and for them as I would give them an impression that I reciprocate their feelings, their attraction. It would just complicate thing even more.

Don't apologize, because this place is designed for the people like you and me, so we can meet those who feel similar or even the same about these things and feel less lonely and more relieved, liberated. Welcome and read as much as you can, get to know this stuff and yourself better and try to accept who you are as we are all trying. Nobody deserves to be punished for being this way.

[ledsenochglad]

Just getting related to and hear there are others feeling the same way feels good. Otherwise I've had the impression that every asexual is happy about finding it out and proud etc.

@DarkDragonn I can very much relate to accepting aromantic orientation is way harder than asexuality. Until recently I've repressed thoughts about being aromantic, and now that I'm letting them in I feel much more alienated towards... well, sort of everyone I know actually :/

Like you're wrote in the thread you linked, it's this thing about never being someones first priority. I had a really good friend like three years ago (we aren't that close anymore cause we both have changed), and I loved him and found comfort in our relationship since we both were each others "first priorty". So if it helps you, I really believe it's possible with those strong friendships :) Though, unfortuneately I think it gets harder the older you get, and more people start to "partner up".

What your friend told you made me feel a bit better to :) and you stick to your anger! I often felt angry before I found my sexuality, and it's like that is a really marked line - since then I never get angry. It's both good and bad, sometimes you need that anger and I guess now all my bad emotions manifests as sadness.... Which obviously isn't good.

@Eilim I really don't repress my sexuality, I just hate it. I wish I could be more open, but it's just that if people I don't really know would ask me these ignorant questions (that most asexuals face very often), like for example "Have you ever had an orgasm? It's the best bla bla bla" I wouldn't be able to say "No, and I've never missed it and never will!" since there's this huge hole inside of me about missing these things. Of course it's still true about the best thing I can do is accepting it, since I know it doesn't at all apply to me, and I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. But yeah, knowing this just trigger self-loathing at the moment. Like, I really don't want to have to accept this cause it's not who I want to be. aaaaaa sorry for all this misery.............

Thanks anyway though, like I said it helps just knowing other people struggeling with the same things. Now I'm gonna buy me some candy and draw. :*

[Lucy-Anne]

Must be something in the air today because I'm feeling the same way...decided to request my password from an account I made three years ago and it's weirdly comforting to know you're not the only one going through it. Hope the candy and drawing serves you well!

[Scottthespy]

I acctually feel rather the opposite...I look at all the heartbreak, bullshit, nonsense, and pain that people go through for their sexual and romantic relationships, and I think thank god I dont have to deal with that. Yes, it sometimes, often even, works out well. But you still have to deal with the idiocincracies of your partner...and they with yours. And when things arent going well, as is the case with most of the relationships I get to hear about, its always things that make you wonder what on earth the person is doing sticking with this asshole. Emotional and physical abuse, partners who are going to jail for violent crimes, controling boy/girlfriends, high maintanance twerps who belittle you and take advantage...and for sexual or romantic reasons people stay by these damaged and damaging relationships. And I cant fathom that, and it makes me so glad Im not ever going to have to deal with that stupidity. Some people say 'love is blind'. I say its deaf, blind, and stupid, and the prospect of falling so head over heals for a person for whatever reason that I would stick by them even when they wernt good to me is frankly terrifying. With all that as a possibility, the 'sacrafice' of all the good parts seems less important to me.

[Arethusa]

It might not be quite the ideal way of dealing with this issue, but, after three years of struggling to accept the consequences of being asexual in our society, I've kind of become numb to the aspects of being the way I am that had hurt me the most. I guess, for me, it was sort of like digging through a pile of emotional pain and self-doubt and eventually emerging on the other side. I'm not sure how general an experience like this is, but perhaps even in the 'worst-case scenario' where nothing changes as far as finding someone who feels the same way as you, or finding some constructive solution to the fear of missing out, it's possible to move on, more or less indifferent, after a period of 'grieving'.

[ledsenochglad]

I guess as in many other emotional things there are ups and downs and romantic love is one of those things that are extremely up and down. So yeah, I try to find some comfort in not having to deal with all those hurting things. I do really find comfort in not getting dragged in to all these absuvie relationship, which actually are very common. And yes, lately I've realised that every time someone mentions their bf/gf I automatically think "booring" inside of my head :)

And yes, @Averroes I think that I may have to grief for a while but that I'll accept in sometime. I hope so.

[Synchrèse]

I guess one just needs time to accept it and accept oneself just the way one is. I just find it pointless to punish oneself for something completely independent and random... it won't change anything except for making one feel like a shit. It's harsh to accept that great love and romance won't be the part of one's story, but... since it's highly probable that it wouldn't be anyway...why bother? And come on, screw (not literally though) society who makes us hate ourselves and deny who we are and what we feel because that's all it deserves.

EDIT: http://i.imgur.com/AnnBa.jpg

[Zash]

And don't be afraid that you are missing out on something. You are not doing something you don't want to do. It is kinda like people telling you that you are missing out if you don't go skydiving. I have no desire to hurl myself from a perfectly good aircraft, so what am I really missing out on?