Feeling A, OK? | San Francisco Bay Guardian

[borrowedTime]

http://www.sfbg.com/39/44/x_alt_sex_column.html

By Andrea Nemerson

Feeling A, OK?

DEAR ANDREA: I've had a strong crush on a friend for more than a year. I've actually performed oral sex on him, each time to climax. He didn't get involved at all. When I was moving recently, he rented a hotel room for us, and we slept together – just sleeping – every night. I gave him a back massage and tickled his back until he fell asleep – and he didn't mind the touch but did not return anything.

He is very good-looking and intelligent. Though he has been chased after by many of my friends, he has passed up each one. I asked him if he's gay, and he said no. I've been doing research and have come to the conclusion that he is asexual. I know I am asexual because I find sex with men to be messy and repulsive. I'm not attracted to women either. Some people are attractive to me, but I don't desire to have sex with them. I find satisfaction in other types of intimacy, such as cuddling. I was happy to find out about asexuality and to know that there is a name and description for me. This would also explain my failed marriages and relationships. With understanding comes peace.

My friend sleeps on my couch at least four nights a week, and we stay in touch all day. He isn't out of the closet – he tries to fit in by occasionally talking about some "hottie" or his long-term plan to "get rich and marry a 23-year-old cupcake." All of which I see through plainly after reading about closet asexuals.

I would like to marry this guy, and I don't want to scare him away. Can love exist in an asexual relationship where we could get married and have that type of intimacy without sex? He's tried pushing me away, but I didn't let him. Maybe he's learning that I understand him and that I have gone with the flow. Help?

Love,

A My Way

Dear A: Lots of people ask for my help and probably regret it after I tell them something they didn't want to hear. In your case, I'm more than a little alarmed to hear that he's tried to push you away but you won't let him. Just so you know, the most likely reason someone might try to push other people away is wanting them to go away.

I wrote a couple of columns about asexuality earlier this year, after reading the very provocative (in a nonsexy way) article in New Scientist (www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn6533), which profiled a few asexuals and heralded the first stirrings of a new asexual identity and community. They went over pretty well (I just had a "They like me! They really like me!" moment reading the boards at asexuality.org, where most of the action is). You might like to know that there are long, involved discussions of asexual dating and, yes, marriage over there, and even links to no-sex personal ads. So you're not alone, but having company does not guarantee freedom from misery. See, I can't help wondering what you, the self-professed asexual, were doing going down on this guy, let alone what he, the presumed asexual, was doing getting gone down on. I'm wondering more about him, actually, since it is hardly uncommon in this world for a person – straight, gay, highly sexed, or utterly sexless – to perform the occasional blow job for any number of reasons besides reveling in the sensation of getting their tonsils anointed. What was up with him, do you think, and what are you willing to gamble on the possibility that he is not so much asexual as an extremely passive sort of user? The kind of guy who'll just lie there accepting blow jobs and hoping vaguely you'll do something else to him while you're at it? Because whatever else he may be, asexual, not that sexual, closeted gay, or lazy user, you've got to admit he is startlingly passive, not to say nearly inert. He may love you, he may even want to marry you, but are you sure you want to wait around hoping he'll do something about it?

If you're willing to be the one who pops the question, decides when and how to marry, lays down the rules about whether there will be sex (and if so, what sort), chooses where to live, and ultimately decides whether the two of you should be buried or cremated, have at it. Before you do, though, be aware that wishful thinking clouds judgment and messes with your hearing, and it's entirely possible he's just not that into you and/or actually does intend to settle down eventually with that 23-year-old cupcake/hottie he jokes about. Maybe they'll invite you to dinner sometime. Perhaps, before you start choosing a china pattern, you should ask him what, exactly, he thinks it means to sleep on your couch and let you skritch him on the back like a big old (neutered) dog.

Love,

Andrea

[The Evil Cashew]

Oooh visibility there

SWEET

~Cashew

[Orbit]

See, I can't help wondering what you, the self-professed asexual, were doing going down on this guy, let alone what he, the presumed asexual, was doing getting gone down on. I'm wondering more about him, actually, since it is hardly uncommon in this world for a person – straight, gay, highly sexed, or utterly sexless – to perform the occasional blow job for any number of reasons besides reveling in the sensation of getting their tonsils anointed. What was up with him, do you think, and what are you willing to gamble on the possibility that he is not so much asexual as an extremely passive sort of user?

It's important to not just assume orientation based on behavior... Many asexuals (myself included) have felt pressure to be sexual and/or have choosen to experiment sexually. I have been both passive and aggressive sexually while trying to figure out how to have relationships.

In a couple relationships my boyfriends were cheering me on any time I did anything sexual - so I did all sorts of things despite feeling nothing... and when I told one of them, he dumped me on the spot.

Then later I dated a guy who was passive and I was aggressive sexually despite not feeling any attraction because I thought that's what he wanted... he probably would have been fine not doing anything, but I thought that's what a relationship was...

I do think it is good advice to talk to the guy and find out where he is and what he wants from the relationship - but saying he's a 'passive user' is really not fair... not with this limited amount of information.

hawke

[Goonie]

hmm