Asexuality Induced by Emotional Trauma Version 2.0

[ShamelessGit]

This thread has been split off from an older thread to keep the discussion going and relevant. The original post was as follows:

Assuming it is possible to become asexual, do you think it is possible that perhaps some people have become asexual as the result of emotional trauma?

For instance, perhaps the emotional trauma of being sexually abused at a young age could result in one becoming asexual?

Thank you,

Heart

Asexual Q&A Moderator

I've had a lot of unpleasant experiences with women. I've had so many that I don't even want to look at or talk to them anymore. I get horny sometimes, but whenever I see an actual woman, even if I can see she's attractive, my first impulse is to run away. It takes me a long time to trust anyone, so a few times when I tried to have sex in the past, I had trouble getting an erection. Instead of having performance anxiety, I wondered if she'd change her mind the next morning and call me a rapist, or if she'd try to use my feelings to blackmail me, or if I'd grow to like her and then she'd leave for ever. I haven't even tried to have sex for 2 years, even though I definitely wasn't born asexual.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Heart

[Fairytale]

Speaking about mysef, for a long time I thought my asexuality was caused by things that happened in the past. And also me being bi. But I came to the conclusion it isn't.

I looked back and I was never interested in the bf/gf thing, never. I had a 'cyberrelation' with a guy just to fit in. I wondered for years about some things people were joking about and I never understood until now, now I'm 22 years old. They were sexual jokes but I never got them cause sex or dirtyness just didn't pop in my mind. Also I now understand what the song u + ur hand means from pink lol I just don't think in any sexual way, I really need to make an effort to think that way and rather prefer not actually. But I'm aware that I'm repulsed of genetalia as well…

[Manly Ace]

I don't know why people here tend to oppose "innate" vs "trauma" each time.

In my case, I strongly believe that's not innate but absolutely not a result of a trauma either.

Besides, a sexual trauma rarely leads to a paralysation of individual's sexuality.

[RafaelaFranzen]

To me, I see asexuality as a term I identify with because it's helpful in explaining my preferences with regards to relationships. It's not something that is innately "who I am". I say "I am asexual" much as the same way as I would say "I am a theatre enthusiast" - a descriptor that gives the person an idea of the kind of person I am beyond physical appearance.

I say this as a person who has experienced sexual assault/harassment before. I think it is definitely possible that asexual and homoromantic became terms that made sense when applied to me when I eventually realised that there was no possibility I could ever be attracted to people in a sexual way, and being in a romantic relationship with a man was not something I could imagine happening any longer. I'm more or less sure I was sexual before, but my capacity for sexual attraction seems to have faded away over time, the more the realisation dawned on me that what I experienced was sexual assault.

I think induced and trauma are strong words - while I agree in principle with the idea that events can shape a person's identity (certainly applies to me), it's not a definitive pattern of cause and effect. Not all people who go through emotional trauma relating to sexual assault or harassment will consequently identify as asexual just as you don't have to have experienced trauma to be asexual. Everyone arrives to their sexuality in different ways, whether born that way or not.

I don't think it's possible to "wrongly identify" as an asexual. You choose the terms you want to identify with, and even if it doesn't fit you 100%, it's perfectly okay to use it as long as you feel it's a helpful term for yourself at this point of time in your life.

[Internet Meme]

I think my history with sexual assault definitely played a part in me becoming asexual. I wasn't a very sexual person to begin with so I may or may not have been asexual when I was younger, but the rapes and assaults just sealed the deal. If that hadn't had happened, I think would be leaning more towards sexual or gray-asexual.

[WhenSummersGone]

Something uncomfortable happened in my childhood that may have caused a delay in my comfort towards myself being sexual, but hard to say. I still don't see people in a sexual way right away so they may not be linked. I know I had gender issues because of it but I'm learning to love my body.

[Lenika]

To the OPs post. Emotional abuse is classified as different than sexual abuse. All abuse has emotional trauma involved. So with that in mind any abuse could cause change in sexuality depending on the victem. A man could abuse a girl emotionally or physically and she become ace/lezy just as sex abuse could, because emotions are involved in all types of abuse.

I write that as some people think sexabuse is the only truly damaging abuse there is. And that is not the case. Victems of emotional abuse are often called babies because "oh sex abuse is much much worse". Abuse goes much deeper than the classification. It is also subjective to the victem. Some from each walk away and move on, others dont.

Not calling out anyone. Just putting it out there.

Yes I think it is possible as there is always an exception. It might be rare but I'm sure some out there have been changed.

Something uncomfortable happened in my childhood that may have caused a delay in my comfort towards myself being sexual, but hard to say. I still don't see people in a sexual way right away so they may not be linked. I know I had gender issues because of it but I'm learning to love my body.

See I was once told that. However many many abused people still have stimulation of the genetalia and are capable of arousal and what not. I however could use a vib all day or rub till my fingers fall off and feel nothing at all. Its not even an 'Okish' feeling. Nothing in my body responds. Leaving me with the conclusion I was born asexual. :)

I think 99.9% of this potential group would still have a drive at least to self stimulate or were capable of feeling something if they did. Saying they were sexys before. But like I said, there is always an exception. I'd say that's up for the person to decide for them selves.

[WhenSummersGone]

Something uncomfortable happened in my childhood that may have caused a delay in my comfort towards myself being sexual, but hard to say. I still don't see people in a sexual way right away so they may not be linked. I know I had gender issues because of it but I'm learning to love my body.

See I was once told that. However many many abused people still have stimulation of the genetalia and are capable of arousal and what not. I however could use a vib all day or rub till my fingers fall off and feel nothing at all. Its not even an 'Okish' feeling. Nothing in my body responds. Leaving me with the conclusion I was born asexual. :)

I think 99.9% of this potential group would still have a drive at least to self stimulate or were capable of feeling something if they did. Saying they were sexys before. But like I said, there is always an exception. I'd say that's up for the person to decide for them selves.

That's true but what if your mind wasn't into the partnered sex you were having but your body was? I think some asexuals can still feel pleasure but they say sex is boring. Not saying asexuals were abused but I wonder if it affected me in any way.

[IAmBadWolf]

I don't have evidence to back this up, but my belief (because it seems to make the most sense) is that everyone is born with a certain "comfort zone" on the sexuality spectrum. Picture a Cartesian graph with ace/allosexuality on the y axis and homo/heterosexuality on the x axis. Very few people are on the extreme corners of the graph (again, according to my completely untested hypothesis). We only identify with the nearest corner because it's easier than trying to pinpoint our exact location. Especially people in the hetero/allosexual quadrant--they have no trouble finding partners and being happy while conforming to society's expectations, so why should they bother exploring relationships that will only cause them trouble? If a woman is 80% attracted to men and 20% to women (and 30% asexual), she'll probably decide that having a sexual relationship with a man is one of her life goals and act accordingly. So in the case of abuse potentially "turning" her lesbian, it's not that the abuse caused her to start being attracted to women. She always had that potential. It's just that she got turned off men, at least for a while, and started exploring and developing that potential as a viable alternative in the meantime. Same with asexuality--some people are born near the extreme end of the spectrum, while others are born in the middle and choose, for whatever reason, to embrace the already-existing ace side of their identity rather than the sexual side.

[Lenika]

Something uncomfortable happened in my childhood that may have caused a delay in my comfort towards myself being sexual, but hard to say. I still don't see people in a sexual way right away so they may not be linked. I know I had gender issues because of it but I'm learning to love my body.

See I was once told that. However many many abused people still have stimulation of the genetalia and are capable of arousal and what not. I however could use a vib all day or rub till my fingers fall off and feel nothing at all. Its not even an 'Okish' feeling. Nothing in my body responds. Leaving me with the conclusion I was born asexual. :)

I think 99.9% of this potential group would still have a drive at least to self stimulate or were capable of feeling something if they did. Saying they were sexys before. But like I said, there is always an exception. I'd say that's up for the person to decide for them selves.

That's true but what if your mind wasn't into the partnered sex you were having but your body was? I think some asexuals can still feel pleasure but they say sex is boring. Not saying asexuals were abused but I wonder if it affected me in any way.

I'd say that would be entirely possible. :) And yes a lot of aces do have sex but find it boring. The response to even orgasm is by stimulation. Women may sometimes orgasm during rape even. So yes it would be entirely possible for the body to work right but the emotional/special feelings or even arrousal not be present. Technically even I could orgasm because I have all the parts, but I lack the wiring for the feel good sensations or ability to be arroused.

I'd say its up to you to determine you're self as you know you're self best.

[WhenSummersGone]

This is true. Both what we were born to be like and what happens to us growing up. Some things may have made me more uncomfortable (events in my life) but I guess the lack of interest in sex is natural for me. Most people can feel that interest, even loners.

[eskazula]

I sometimes wonder if being molested as a kid led to be being asexual... It is possible, and I don't rule it out.

Maybe asexuality is epigenetic?

[Sally]

Many sexuals were emotionally (and/or sexually) traumatized. Those that I've known have not become "asexual" because of it. One became celibate for a while, but celibacy is not asexuality.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I don't have evidence to back this up, but my belief (because it seems to make the most sense) is that everyone is born with a certain "comfort zone" on the sexuality spectrum. Picture a Cartesian graph with ace/allosexuality on the y axis and homo/heterosexuality on the x axis. Very few people are on the extreme corners of the graph (again, according to my completely untested hypothesis). We only identify with the nearest corner because it's easier than trying to pinpoint our exact location. Especially people in the hetero/allosexual quadrant--they have no trouble finding partners and being happy while conforming to society's expectations, so why should they bother exploring relationships that will only cause them trouble? If a woman is 80% attracted to men and 20% to women (and 30% asexual), she'll probably decide that having a sexual relationship with a man is one of her life goals and act accordingly. So in the case of abuse potentially "turning" her lesbian, it's not that the abuse caused her to start being attracted to women. She always had that potential. It's just that she got turned off men, at least for a while, and started exploring and developing that potential as a viable alternative in the meantime. Same with asexuality--some people are born near the extreme end of the spectrum, while others are born in the middle and choose, for whatever reason, to embrace the already-existing ace side of their identity rather than the sexual side.

Interesting idea

[Tommiboy13]

I have no recollection of any abuse or trauma, but I show many signs of it, some being quite disturbing and point strongly at abuse. I would say this does influence my asexuality a lot because I do get aroused quite easily, but never do anything about it.

I panic when anyone grabs my legs, hugs me for too long, or snuggles with me (when I'm unwilling///some is okay). I hate having my face too close to anyone's, so I constantly look away. If anyone crosses my boundaries of okayness then my toes curl up and I literally can't do anything for a while because I have a panic attack. I know I had to tell my boyfriend that I had to get comfortable with being really close to him (if it is at all possible) to even consider kissing him or being okay with it. Even when I think I am, I'll have to tell him not to kiss me outta the blue, but wait until I'm comfortably close enough to him for at least that part not to be too much.

TMI WARNING!!! (about female masturbation) skip to the *** if you don't want to read about this

I not only do not have the desire to have sex, but I am downright strongly repulsed by the thought of anything going up my vagina. I can use tampons all right (I swam for 4 years), but sometimes I left the applicator in there just a little bit longer to see if it bugged me and it did. I'm so repulsed by it that I tense up, get really uncomfortable, and can't focus for a while. I've talked to some people about this, but no one else seems to be bugged by it. I've masturbated by putting a blanket between my legs but I can't even get my fingers near there. Something about it seems so uncomfortably disgustingly repulsive that I can't stand it.

**********************

So with this, I would say abuse can influence someone in a way that makes them identify as asexual because it makes them so extremely uncomfortable with anything sexual or possibly leading to sexual things.

[MaxAmoeba]

Sexual / emotional abuse may be one of the reasons a person turns asexual but there are other reasons as well like instinctive turn off for sex, hygiene, aesthetic appeal of the human body. I think I am asexual because I find the sexual organs of other sex horrendous and they are a big turn off for me. Also, it doesn't fit anywhere into my aesthetic design space. It's all too gross and animal like impulse that is a turn off. I have never been sexually attracted to guys; but, I used to be big romantic.

[weronaring]

This might be a bit late, and it's not really a professional opinion, but I found a post that addresses this very issue.

[LLAladonna]

Personally, I was emotionally abused by my mother from a young age. In my eyes at least, that contributed to both my asexuality and aromanticism, by making me distrust being emotionally close to others.

[Fire42]

It took me a very long time to figure out that because of my childhood trauma, I view sex as being done "to" someone rather than "with". Therefore, I find it disgusting to engage in behavior I feel violates...??? I personally felt disgusted and needed copious amounts of alcohol in order to "go through the motions," but still felt ill afterward. A lot of relationships ended poorly and I'm sure I damaged the esteem of a few ("am I not good enough?" when it had nothing to do with them). (Sigh)

[kittennx]

I ask myself this a lot. I've struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphia for as long as I can remember, and I've always had a terrible self esteem. Because of this, I always assumed sex was the only thing people would ever want from me. I used sex to buy drugs and alcohol and attention, even, but I always hated it. It didn't stop me, I thought it was all I was good for. I then contracted an STD, and I swore I'd never have meaningless sex again. Now, I'm in a relationship but I still don't like sex. It's not that great; it's gross and messy and awful. But I don't know if I hate it because of my past or because I'm asexual or just sex-repulsed. I have no idea what I am or what I want and I just...I have more questions than answers. I think that's why I came here, personally. Just to find answers I don't know, though. Maybe it is because of my past. If that's the case, am I still asexual? Am I still a member of this community?

[SkyWorld]

I ask myself this a lot. I've struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphia for as long as I can remember, and I've always had a terrible self esteem. Because of this, I always assumed sex was the only thing people would ever want from me. I used sex to buy drugs and alcohol and attention, even, but I always hated it. It didn't stop me, I thought it was all I was good for. I then contracted an STD, and I swore I'd never have meaningless sex again. Now, I'm in a relationship but I still don't like sex. It's not that great; it's gross and messy and awful. But I don't know if I hate it because of my past or because I'm asexual or just sex-repulsed. I have no idea what I am or what I want and I just...I have more questions than answers. I think that's why I came here, personally. Just to find answers I don't know, though. Maybe it is because of my past. If that's the case, am I still asexual? Am I still a member of this community?

AVEN is for everyone, not just asexuals. We have a very diverse group of people here ranging from different sexualities, gender identities, other orientations, allies, family members, friends, you name it. There also a lot of questioning members here, so you are most certainly not alone. As soon as you create an account, you are a member. Nothing else invalidates you being a member here.

As to whether or not you're asexual, only you yourself can decide that. Just be careful... many people have different experiences and their experiences doesn't necessarily invalidate theirs or others sexuality or lack thereof. Also, the first spoiler in this post may help.