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Think wife and I may both be aces. Does this make sense?


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Hi all,

Long story short -- both wife and I are survivors of CSA. Both in therapy. Our sex life has been virtually non-existent for years. We have a kid. She essentially has no sex drive and has not had one for a couple of years while dealing with trauma. Mine comes and goes but I do have one. But I'm not sure I neither need nor want to take care of it through sex with her. (I do masturbate and thoroughly enjoy it most of the time -- orgasm is great, although I'd rather not deal with the mess.) I find myself turned on by other people, including men (I've long identified as bi), but if pressed, I'd have to say that I don't actually want to have sex with other people. I respond to my wife physically (that is, I experience sexual arousal when we're physically close) but the physical response is really annoying. I'd very much like to be able to cuddle with her and be physically intimate (snuggling) without my nethers being aroused. I love snuggling with her in bed.

Basically, it's all a big mess. I seem to be physically wired to be sexual. But I'm not sure my brain wants to be a part of it. And the history of sexual abuse complicates things greatly for me. Sex with another person freaks me out and always has -- it makes me just want to run away screaming. And yet it's not like I've always avoided it. I've compulsively sought it out due to the sexual abuse, even if it made me feel extremely gross afterwards. And now that I'm dealing with the sexual abuse in therapy, I'm beginning to question whether I experience sexual attraction to others at all. Emotional attraction? Yes. Aesthetic/sensual attraction? Yes. Maybe I'm just sex-repulsed and that comes from abuse. But I don't see it changing. Sigh. I'm also not sure it needs to. We've been treating the whole sex thing as something that needs to be fixed. She feels like she's broken. I'm wondering if there's perhaps nothing wrong with either of us other than trauma that needs to be worked through and that perhaps thinking that going towards a working sex life is the answer to the wrong question. Or the wrong question to begin with. :-/

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Being aroused does not relate to being asexual. Asexual means you are not sexually attracted to other people. You can still be turned on by specific activities or ideas. Snuggling might very well turn you on if you are ace. That's not a condradiction. That's two very different things.

Sex-repultion is not attraction based. It's just someone finding sex gross. Your sexual attraction should still kick in if you are sex-repulsed. The two can't cancel eachother out. It doesn't work that way.

It does sound like you two are trying to fix something that shouldn't be fixed. A lot of ace people on this site would love to be in the relationship you have. What's important though is you two feeling comfertable. Point out this site to your wife and suggest that you feel this might relate to you(don't openly suggest she might be one herself. That's for her to figure out). After you go over this with her it might make both of you feel a lot better.

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TheNaughtyNeutrois

There seems to be a social norm that a relationship must have sex in order to thrive; that if you do not have sex on a regular basis, that you don't "truly" love each other. This is a load of BS.

You can express your love in many other forms that doesn't have to be through sexual intercourse - like physical intimacy (snuggling) as you described.

It might be a discussion to have with your wife, that perhaps pushing an active sex life in a difficult time for both of you might not be a wise idea.

You don't have to necessarily cut off sex altogether. If your wife works through her trauma, there may be a chance she might regain some of her sex drive back. Or she may not. Only time will tell.

I feel you are fussing a little too much over the labels. Don't worry about those things so much, labels can be helpful in describing your feelings but personally, I think they can also be a hindrance.

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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Thanks for the responses and for the cake! I really didn't just come here for the cake, I swear. :-)

My wife has said that one of her biggest fears is that she's going to get through therapy and realize that she likes girls or just doesn't like sex. I'm not sure that either of those is really a problem.

And yes, I know, labels -- my therapist gives me a hard time about it, too.

Being aroused does not relate to being asexual. Asexual means you are not sexually attracted to other people. You can still be turned on by specific activities or ideas. Snuggling might very well turn you on if you are ace. That's not a condradiction. That's two very different things.

Wow. That just floors me! Such a liberating concept.

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Welcome to AVEN! We're all wander in here lost...but as the saying goes, not all who wander are lost...some of us have found our way and have provided our advice throughout this wonderful site. I hope you find what you need here and if you or your wife need any suppport we're all in the same bed here so to speak, so go ahead and ask away! Cake and ice cream await~

I hope you and your wife the best you can get from your therapy, the hurting of a child is something I can never stomach and I'm glad that you two found each other and have a seemingly loving relationship, that's important. If you ever need someone to rant to I'm always just a message away!

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First off, shamefree, I love your avatar. Second off, I love your display name.

Welcome to AVEN. Has your wife had a chance to find AVEN and look around? I'm sure she would also benefit from the knowledge that sex is not such a prerequisite to a relationship as society would have us believe. There is a lot around us in everyday life that leads us to think that the only way our partner will be happy is if we provide them with regular good sex, but that's just simply not always the case.

If you think that talking with your wife about this would help, I would highly recommend it. For me, the emphasis would be on acceptance; if she feels that she doesn't need or want sex after some self-exploration (which takes time, so patience is a must) then that's ok. And if she does feel that sex is important to her, and she really feels like she wants to work on the two of you's sex life together, then that's ok too. She may have intrinsic want and need for sex, she may not. If she does and you decide that your sex repulsion is a part of who you are as well, then that's not a bad thing either. You two can talk about things to do that you would be comfortable with, but that would satisfy her, or other options. Trust me, there are a lot of mixed couples on here that would be able to help with that. Nothing is an automatic deal-breaker, so there's never any need to panic no matter what she finds out about herself and what her answer is.

Perhaps you are the luckiest couple in the world to have found each other and both be ace. Or perhaps you are the luckiest couple in the world to have found each other and both be willing to show your love for each other by talking and working through mixed needs in a relationship. The important part is, it sounds like you two love each other a lot, and that's beautiful. :cake:

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First off, shamefree, I love your avatar. Second off, I love your display name.

Welcome to AVEN. Has your wife had a chance to find AVEN and look around? I'm sure she would also benefit from the knowledge that sex is not such a prerequisite to a relationship as society would have us believe. There is a lot around us in everyday life that leads us to think that the only way our partner will be happy is if we provide them with regular good sex, but that's just simply not always the case.

If you think that talking with your wife about this would help, I would highly recommend it. For me, the emphasis would be on acceptance; if she feels that she doesn't need or want sex after some self-exploration (which takes time, so patience is a must) then that's ok. And if she does feel that sex is important to her, and she really feels like she wants to work on the two of you's sex life together, then that's ok too. She may have intrinsic want and need for sex, she may not. If she does and you decide that your sex repulsion is a part of who you are as well, then that's not a bad thing either. You two can talk about things to do that you would be comfortable with, but that would satisfy her, or other options. Trust me, there are a lot of mixed couples on here that would be able to help with that. Nothing is an automatic deal-breaker, so there's never any need to panic no matter what she finds out about herself and what her answer is.

Perhaps you are the luckiest couple in the world to have found each other and both be ace. Or perhaps you are the luckiest couple in the world to have found each other and both be willing to show your love for each other by talking and working through mixed needs in a relationship. The important part is, it sounds like you two love each other a lot, and that's beautiful. :cake:

Thanks, Heart!

She and I had a very nice talk tonight and while I didn't overtly bring up the idea of asexuality, I did bring up the "perhaps we've been asking the wrong question" idea from my earlier post and it really resonated with her. So that's a good thing :-)

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That sounds like an absolutely wonderful way to phrase things! You sound like you are on the way to an amazing place shamefree, I wish the two of you the best of luck!! :)

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