-TMI- Sexual Desire until Sex Starts

[sound_the_bugle]

So I'm a bit confused by this. My person/boyfriend (I should get used to using the word, shouldn't I) and I recently had some time in the same geographic location, rather than 3000 miles apart. By the end of the first week, I was past the part of my brain that said no to sexual things, and making out led to me really wanting to have sex with him. He's sexual, and we did, a few times, but it was... weird. Like I said, I got to the point of really very much wanting, but once we actually transitioned from making out into sex, my brain no longer... cared. I didn't not want it once we started. I just kind of didn't really feel super into it. It was like my brain translated it as active cuddling, which was nice, but it didn't really desire or want more of that. It was just... eh.

He feels like he's become incompetent or something, which I tell him probably isn't the case. But I wonder why it is that my brain and body can really really want, and then just stop wanting so much. This is regardless, by the way, of whether he was using hands, mouth, or we were having intercourse (somehow it doesn't sound right to say "using penis," but I'm not sure why).

[princesspeach]

I have recently been feeling the same way... Like I would really enjoy making out and push for it to go further (like lately I've been instigating clothes removal, which is so so weird for me but that's a different story) but then as soon as it did start going further I was like.. okay I'm over this now can we cuddle and watch a movie instead?? Of course I don't say this, I just let it continue.

I don't know whether it's because we've tried to have sex about 3 times but because we both haven't done it before it's really awkward haha, and maybe my subconscious is wanting to prevent me going through that again?? I don't know haha but I completely understand what you're going through!

[_miacat]

This is so incredibly me. Sorry I have no advice really I just want you to know I've had the exact same experience! :|

[ThaHoward]

You might actually have too high expections for sex. It is quite normal even among sexuals. Next time you should try to "warm" up and get into the mood and enjoy the moment and not overthink it while you're doing it or before.

And of course it might happen that sex is simply nothing for you. But I suggest that you don't have too high expectations and don't overthink it and live in the moment.

And if one, or both, of you have little to no experience with sex then it might take some time before you know what you, how you like to be pleased/stimulated and how you can please/stimulate the partner.

But of course it might happen that sex really isn't your thing.

[Koda]

I've had similar experiences and, for me, it turned out to simply be my libido talking. When you feel yourself desiring something your brain is feeling conflicted about, that's a good time to stop and really think about what you're doing and why you're doing it. You should talk to your partner about it and together figure out what aspects of sex you're both comfortable with doing. Having an open dialogue about it might help him with his feelings of inadequacy too. Communication is key!

[sound_the_bugle]

Yeah, we've always been really open discussing things, even before we started turning to sex. I didn't really have high expectations at all, but I just didn't care at all, which I thought was weird. And discussing what we're both comfortable with is very much part of our relationship, which is awesome, because it always should be. I assume it's because he does have a decent amount of sexual experience, and he's (almost over)concerned about me feeling at all pressured, and we both get that talking about things has to be a part of this.

And honestly, it's not that I feel uncomfortable with sex. In some ways it's quite comfortable (as I said, my brain almost interprets it as somewhat active cuddling) - it's just that my brain wanders away because it's no longer engaged. I just sort of stop thinking about things, and maybe only think "Oh right, I'm supposed to be doing something now."

Also, I have to say, when I do start desiring sex with him, it doesn't feel like a libido tick at all. I suppose there are some parallels, but not many.

(And yes, part of it might be my inexperience not knowing what I want, which is one of the things we've discussed. This is the first person I've had sex with.)

[Manly Ace]

I have a solution for you: a good kick right in the balls.

No dilemma anymore after that.

[sound_the_bugle]

I have a solution for you: a good kick right in the balls.

No dilemma anymore after that.

I'm confused...

[Koda]

I am also confused... Let's not kick anyone in the balls today.

I'm glad that you two have great communication and it's super amazing awesome that he's so respectful and caring. Gold star for him! And you!

Could it be that you're just experiencing very strong sensual attraction?

[sound_the_bugle]

I am also confused... Let's not kick anyone in the balls today.

I'm glad that you two have great communication and it's super amazing awesome that he's so respectful and caring. Gold star for him! And you!

Could it be that you're just experiencing very strong sensual attraction?

I suppose that's possible, but I really did feel like I just desperately wanted to have sex with this person right now. It was like "I really really want this." I can also promise you that if I hadn't felt that way, I probably wouldn't have explicitly asked if we could, and had I not asked, we wouldn't have. I can't tell you how many times he stopped kissing me or touching me (sexually or sensually) to ask "Are you sure you're okay with this?" "Are you sure you're not just going along with this because you know I want it? Because you do know that I don't want you to ever do anything you don't actually want to do." and so on. He really is amazing.

At one point he backed up a little (this was still just making out), asked me if I was sure, and this conversation happened: "I'm sure." "Are you sure you're sure?" "I'm very sure that I'm absolutely sure." "Are you really very sure-" "Oh shut up and come here."

Also, I've never felt like I couldn't say no to him on anything, and I have exercised that right. And he really does respect that no, right away, the the degree that I meant it. He might ask why, but it's not in a plaintive manipulative way. It's more like he's feeling out my boundaries and just wants to understand.

[Don Juan de Marco]

you should watch porn together with your partner...its not a joke. pick up one scene that turns you on the most and wuolla ;)

[ThaHoward]

Was actually going to say that ^ haha. But while porn may be gross etc, it can get bith of aroused and to learn new things and try out different positions.

(Kinda ironic I give sex advice as I have 0 interest and desire for it <.< )

[Koda]

Maybe you just don't get off on penetration?

[PurveyorOfBadPuns]

Was actually going to say that ^ haha. But while porn may be gross etc, it can get bith of aroused and to learn new things and try out different positions.

(Kinda ironic I give sex advice as I have 0 interest and desire for it <.< )

Hey, I'm ace and I'm the college dildo authority (or one of them) because I got curious and never go halfway. :/

Further than that, I can give advice on how to enjoy it more because, frankly, everything I've tried has been the same. The idea is nice, but then I just get bored when it happens.

[kulosle]

So im like this but i know why it is for me. Genitals are just a major turn off. Dont want anything to do with anyones. But i do enjoy pleasuong my partner. I enjoy seeing that look on their face, or the noises they make. If the connectoon is strong enough, and they emote enoigh i can actually go pretty far with a partner without even really noticing. I dont know if that might be how you feel.

[LostFeather]

-deleted, too personal-

[WhenSummersGone]

I can relate to this. I certainly like the "idea" of having sex, porn and sexual arousal isn't a problem but when it happened for me I lost interest right away. Myself actually having it doesn't turn me on because it's not just a physical act to me but more an emotional connection. I sort of feel bad that it doesn't do much for me but it's just who I am.

[mav709]

This is something that has confused me too. I've been in situations where we were making out and I wanted to escalate, but once it got to sex (penetrative or non-penetrative) I was kind of just going through the motions — not repulsed, but not really into it either. The involvement of the genitals might have something to do with it, as I think they're both a little gross. Some people have suggested that I'm "overthinking it." Could this be part of the explanation for you? Constantly analyzing your own sexual experience rather than going with the flow might make it harder to get into it... right? (My experience is limited and I don't know your whole story here, so this is just me throwing spaghetti at a wall.)

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

My ex seems like the opposite to your (great sounding) partner, since he NEVER asked if I was okay with anything, and ALWAYS did what HE felt like doing.

Anyway, on the topic, this was exactly the reason why it took me so long to realise he had actually been assaulting and raping me (non-violently, but it was still non-consensual). I would start off really NOT wanting anything, and pushing him away, squawking 'no', and he would just continue. My body and mind would start getting aroused, until I really did want to have sex with him (he learnt that this was the only way he was ever going to get sex with me, so he kept doing it, time after time after time...).

But then, I would be going along in full swing, perfectly happy, and then 10/20 seconds into the act, it would become boring (and, to be honest, a bit pointless in my eyes). Unfortunately, my ex would just be getting started, and I'd have to keep up the act, make noises to make him happy etc..

It's also weird, because when I'm tipsy, I become the biggest flirt of the party, and yet, if things progress to that stage, the same thing happens again. Bliddy annoying is what I call it.

I think it's because, for me, there's zero emotional connecting going on during the act, so the build-up is interesting enough to make me want to continue, but when the build-up finishes... there's nothing but the mechanics. And those are boring to me.

Manly Ace, based on your other posts that I've seen, you seem a little sex-negative. That's okay to be, but when people are having a serious discussion about something that puzzles them during sex, anti-sex comments aren't really going to help.

[chelleski]

So I'm a bit confused by this. My person/boyfriend (I should get used to using the word, shouldn't I) and I recently had some time in the same geographic location, rather than 3000 miles apart. By the end of the first week, I was past the part of my brain that said no to sexual things, and making out led to me really wanting to have sex with him. He's sexual, and we did, a few times, but it was... weird. Like I said, I got to the point of really very much wanting, but once we actually transitioned from making out into sex, my brain no longer... cared. I didn't not want it once we started. I just kind of didn't really feel super into it. It was like my brain translated it as active cuddling, which was nice, but it didn't really desire or want more of that. It was just... eh.

He feels like he's become incompetent or something, which I tell him probably isn't the case. But I wonder why it is that my brain and body can really really want, and then just stop wanting so much. This is regardless, by the way, of whether he was using hands, mouth, or we were having intercourse (somehow it doesn't sound right to say "using penis," but I'm not sure why).

I'm sure he didn't mean to, but he's now made it about him and is putting pressure on you to enjoy the experience with him...which makes it even less likely that you will bc now you will be tense. It's great that you become aroused with your boyfriend; maybe you are grey. It still doesn't mean you have to like sex. Maybe next time you could masturbate instead, and if you're both into it, let him watch you.

[violachick]

Yeah I have had this same experience. And the same with masturbating too. [possible TMI ahead] It's like I'm super into it but then the instant something touches my genitals they're like "never mind nope" and it basically goes numb and I can't orgasm/enjoy what's happening or anything. I've basically given up masturbating since it never ends up "working" anyway, and I don't have any real desire to have sex with anyone mostly for the same reason, which is why I've just started identifying as asexual. Even if sometimes I do want to have sex, I know that actually going through with it wouldn't be what I'm imagining so there's no point.

[sound_the_bugle]

Yeah I have had this same experience. And the same with masturbating too. [possible TMI ahead] It's like I'm super into it but then the instant something touches my genitals they're like "never mind nope" and it basically goes numb and I can't orgasm/enjoy what's happening or anything. I've basically given up masturbating since it never ends up "working" anyway, and I don't have any real desire to have sex with anyone mostly for the same reason, which is why I've just started identifying as asexual. Even if sometimes I do want to have sex, I know that actually going through with it wouldn't be what I'm imagining so there's no point.

Masturbating is kind of the same for me... there's no real enjoyment or pleasure from it, it's just a way to get rid of an annoying libido tick.

So I'm a bit confused by this. My person/boyfriend (I should get used to using the word, shouldn't I) and I recently had some time in the same geographic location, rather than 3000 miles apart. By the end of the first week, I was past the part of my brain that said no to sexual things, and making out led to me really wanting to have sex with him. He's sexual, and we did, a few times, but it was... weird. Like I said, I got to the point of really very much wanting, but once we actually transitioned from making out into sex, my brain no longer... cared. I didn't not want it once we started. I just kind of didn't really feel super into it. It was like my brain translated it as active cuddling, which was nice, but it didn't really desire or want more of that. It was just... eh.

He feels like he's become incompetent or something, which I tell him probably isn't the case. But I wonder why it is that my brain and body can really really want, and then just stop wanting so much. This is regardless, by the way, of whether he was using hands, mouth, or we were having intercourse (somehow it doesn't sound right to say "using penis," but I'm not sure why).

I'm sure he didn't mean to, but he's now made it about him and is putting pressure on you to enjoy the experience with him...which makes it even less likely that you will bc now you will be tense. It's great that you become aroused with your boyfriend; maybe you are grey. It still doesn't mean you have to like sex. Maybe next time you could masturbate instead, and if you're both into it, let him watch you.

I see your point, but I don't really feel that pressure. He doesn't really seem to expect anything of me (which is great) but at the same, because he doesn't want to pressure me at all or feel like he's somehow taking advantage of me, he wants it to be worthwhile for me too. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I get what you're saying, I don't really agree that that's what happening.

[DarkMoonLily]

I don't have any advice but I just want to say that I know what you're going through.

[MusicAce]

I'm the same, I can get really fired up while making out, touching, even to the no-clothes stage. But the moment an actual act of sex is concerned I suddenly get very nonchalant, and I don't really care what continues from that point. This of course resulted in my partner going places and me not following. He's my ex now, but it got awkward and killed the atmosphere when he couldn't do anything to help.

My only possible suggestion is this: if you have a certain way you masturbate (e.g. a certain position or fantasy you like) do or imagine that while you have sex. It can help your body respond (if you want to try, of course).

Also, I think this type of 'excited until it's actually happening' is classified as lithosexual, the sexual version of Lithromantic - where you are attracted to someone until the return the affection. The most common kind is when someone has a crush on a celebrity, but if the affections were ever returned, the person would cease to care. So the sexual version is that you are excited for sex until it is actually happening, which stops the desirability of the sex for you. I hope I've explained this correctly!

[sound_the_bugle]

I'm the same, I can get really fired up while making out, touching, even to the no-clothes stage. But the moment an actual act of sex is concerned I suddenly get very nonchalant, and I don't really care what continues from that point. This of course resulted in my partner going places and me not following. He's my ex now, but it got awkward and killed the atmosphere when he couldn't do anything to help.

My only possible suggestion is this: if you have a certain way you masturbate (e.g. a certain position or fantasy you like) do or imagine that while you have sex. It can help your body respond (if you want to try, of course).

My brain is equally checked out when masturbating. I get no psychological pleasure from the act (really physical, either, it's just a way to get rid of obnoxious libido ticks for me), and my brain isn't really engaged with it. It's a good idea, but I don't think it'd help any.

[perpetue]

I have similar experience from when I had a boyfriend. I liked kissing him (without tounge, though), touching, taking his shirt off and so on, maybe not to the "ohmygod I want sex, now" point, but still I wanted to get closer and closer and my body did react a bit too. But when it came to actual sex-ish things, I was like, meh, boring, can we get back to kissing? For me, it was all about feeling his warmth and skin, which made me feel safe and loved, not about physical pleasure. Perhaps you're the same?

[whatsmyname]

I can empathise with your situation cos I'm pretty much exactly the same! Sometimes I cannot stand having my genitals touched, like the idea of it just really makes me feel icky. I get all of my pleasure from seeing my partners pleasure, I don't mind sexual activities like that but obviously (TMI) blow jobs and hand jobs get boring for them sometimes so they like to move on to penetration and that's when I completely shut off and just go through the motions. And they really like to see me enjoying myself as well and they understand that its not always possible for me but I just know it kills the mood for them when I get like that.

[Avenging_AVENite]

I think my experience is a bit different, but I definitely empathize as well. I've only had one partner (think I might be aromantic as well, actually, but meh), but it was just the weirdest thing any time he tried to engage. Like, sometimes I would get a bit turned on from sensual touch, like massage or simple things like that, but the second it turned from the possibility to any actual act it's like my brain flipped a switch and went "Oh, nope, lololol this isn't a thing for you" and I kind of shut down, just didn't feel anything or get anything out of it. (Never went past kissing, which I've still got mixed feelings on, actually; tongues are kinda weird, man, that's all I'm sayin'.) I kind of relate to you as well, perpetue… I always just wanted to kind of **be there**, not necessarily doing physical things but experiencing closeness and warmth with someone. I remember thinking "Why are you starting in with this shit? Can't we just chill here?" which struck me as a bit different and sort of led me to check out the internet and such. (Ayeeeeee, AVEN.)

Also wow just scrolled back up and found MusicAce's post… lithosexual. Huh. I'm gonna look more into that. Because it's not just with interactive things… (maybe TMI here but) it's even on a more personal level, like if I'm reading or watching something and it gets steamy then hey, that can be a thing, but if I even think of it applying to me, again, everything just sort of switches off. Nothing really gets me going though, honestly. I generally identify as grey-a or think of myself as like 96% asexual, because I never really feel attracted to people or have any desire to follow through but do, occasionally, get a little turned on. So, yep. Ideas or thoughts welcome.

Mainly just wanted to chime in, since this is a topic I've wondered about a lot lately. Thanks for sharing ^_^

[sound_the_bugle]

I'd heard of lithosexual before, but had never considered applying it to myself.

But let's be honest. This post is primarily to celebrate your (Avenging_AVENites) first post.

Welcome cake here:

http://wildandwickedcowboys.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/1cake.jpg

[Avenging_AVENite]

Mahhhh, thank you, friend :D Yeah, I joined a little while ago but only really have had time recently to start actively going on here. Very glad I saw this thread (for a number of reasons, now). ^_^