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does anyone else find aesthetic attraction really important?


tbearrr

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so i've been trying to date for the better part of two years and this is something i feel really guilty about? i know that from a biological/evolutionary perspective it's just my brain trying to find the best features for any future children but i still feel bad about it.

the last guy i went on a few dates with was really nice and he knew about me being demi/grey-a but i just didnt find him attractive at all and he rightly pointed out that if i didnt want a physical/sexual relationship anyway looks maybe shouldn't matter?

i dont know. i guess im just worried im shallow or something. anyone else feel like this?

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Arctic_Revenge

You aren't shallow. You like what you like and no one should make you feel bad about it- not even you!!

And it doesn't always have to be evolutionary-based either. I am an extremely aesthetic person and I demand beauty in everything I surround myself with.

Art, music, movies, fashion, interior design... even people. Just because I am exacting doesn't mean I'm shallow and don't look for other qualities too.

It just means looks matter to me as much as personality and intelligence.

On the flipside, it does make finding a partner hell. -_-;; You aren't alone in that arena.

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Squirrel Combat

Same here. Aesthetics as a first impression are pretty crucial for me. Most guys have to compromise appearance for personality (or "sexy" parts) but simce I'm ace and one of those otherwise important aspects are not important I have to put more emphasis on the other features. Plus, when I claim a girl I like is beautiful I don't like feeling like I'm lying to them because I can't say that and be objective and honest, meaning I'm the only person who feels that way. I feel like I'm lying then.

Everybody has their priorties. In a twist though I feel as though I'm shallow at times for putting as much emphasis on appearnace as I do kindness and common interests. The above post has it right. Finding someone that is objectively pretty and interesting is a game of chance.

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I'm the same way. It's all about what you like. That's what dating is. As selfish as it seems, you want what you want, and shouldn't have to compromise. Think of it this way, for sexuals, if they aren't sexually attracted to someone they're likely to give them the boot as well.

There's always the chance that you'll find someone attractive AFTER getting to know them but it's fine to be picky. Dating is all about who you like.

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Oh thank god :') at least im not just a horrible person then ^_^

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Quintus Crinis

Initially aesthetic attraction can be really important to me - but once I get to know someone personality does start to make a noticeable difference (not completely changing things though, but usually making enough of a difference that it doesn't matter much).

I guess I also feel shallow at times, but at the end of the day we can't change what we like and so will just have to learn to accept it and not worry. :)

(That said I'm also fairly commitment phobic - leading to a sense of lithromantic so haven't actually been in a serious relationship yet, so don't know what effect it would have on actually dating a person).

Quintus. :)

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marmalade-cats

Aesthetic attraction is very important to me. They can be as nice as they can be, but if I'm not physically attracted to them I feel like something is missing.

I've tried just dating "nice" people before that weren't that attractive to me. They were nice sure, but I didn't feel like I enjoyed spending that much time with them or being close. I felt like they would be better off being with someone who liked their personality and their looks. I also felt like I would be happier being with someone who I loved both personality-wise and aesthetically.

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romantic-woman

Aesthetic attraction is very important , cause i first notice appearance and then i try to know more things about the character. I don't say that a good looking guy can be attractive only by his appearance, he must be kind too, but i think appearance is the first impression and something that can catch my eye. I have read that "Appearance captures the eyes, but personality captures the heart."

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Initially aesthetic attraction can be really important to me - but once I get to know someone personality does start to make a noticeable difference (not completely changing things though, but usually making enough of a difference that it doesn't matter much).

I guess I also feel shallow at times, but at the end of the day we can't change what we like and so will just have to learn to accept it and not worry. :)

(That said I'm also fairly commitment phobic - leading to a sense of lithromantic so haven't actually been in a serious relationship yet, so don't know what effect it would have on actually dating a person).

Quintus. :)

yeah, i feel like that a lot which is kind of problem, because over time they become more attractive to me but im very much the kind of person where if you dont interest me within the first few meetings i write you off >.<

Aesthetic attraction is very important to me. They can be as nice as they can be, but if I'm not physically attracted to them I feel like something is missing.

I've tried just dating "nice" people before that weren't that attractive to me. They were nice sure, but I didn't feel like I enjoyed spending that much time with them or being close. I felt like they would be better off being with someone who liked their personality and their looks. I also felt like I would be happier being with someone who I loved both personality-wise and aesthetically.

yeah, i want that :( i think mostly it's me just being desperate for a relationship. im really impatient and its so hard to find someone who checks all the boxes

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I think it's important. Whilst it may not be as big an issue for me as other people, I think there still needs to be some level of aesthetic attraction for the whole thing to work. Personality alone isn't enough in my opinion.

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NewfangledArtist

Don't feel bad about it! It's just how we're biologically 'programmed' to seek someone. Natural selection and all that I suppose - even if we're not interested in the sex that still seems to be the way it goes for most people. We're all told to seek out certain features, you can try to go against this for someone's personality, but it just is not easy or even possible for some people. Not for me anyway, I've always found it very hard to have crushes or squishes on perfectly nice guys who just weren't aesthetically appealing to me. I probably sound pretty 'shallow' when I'm not really to be honest, for example I like looking at guys with strong angular jawlines. If they don't have that, I don't care. At least I've never had to feel guilty for this myself since I don't think I've ever really wanted a relationship, I just look and appreciate... and draw portraits at most haha. Most people just can't like a person in an intimate sorta way if their aesthetics are just unappealing to them for all those same odd natural reasons, I'm the same. I suspect I might even be aromantic as well as ace, yet aesthetic attraction to men without wanting sex or relationships seems to be all I have. So yeah, I guess you could say aesthetics somehow count for a lot for me too...although the difference is at the same time they also kinda don't matter at the same time, since I tend not to want any relationships or sex anyway :huh: Funny, funny thing those aesthetic attraction laws are...

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SorryNotSorry

Yes.

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theotherfey

I think even as asexuals, we experience attraction, but it's more aesthetic, as people have said. Looks aren't everything, but they still matter to many people, myself included. We all have certain types we're attracted to. A gay man isn't going to be attracted to every single man, and bisexuals aren't going to think every single person is attractive. We have looks that appeal to us, just as we have our own sense of personal style. Sexual or not, you are going to have to see your partner everyday, so if you don't find them pleasing to look at, you aren't going to want to look at them. That sounds really bad, I know, and I don't mean to sound shallow. Looks aren't everything, and I think eventually, people get past the physical appearance, especially if they've been together for a long period of time. It's important to love your partner no matter what they look like, but in the beginning, looks matter to a lot of people. If I don't like a picture, I'm not going to hang it on my wall.

But you shouldn't judge someone based solely on their looks. It's how people get bullied. What really matters is personality, in the end. But looks play an important role for many people, especially when you are just getting to know someone who could be a potential partner. I hope that doesn't sound too vain ><

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What about on-line relationships? Does the looks matter to you too in such a case? Would you be unwilling to meet somebody offline, based on the photo that person has sent you at some point? Would that mean that any potentially romantic relationship is out of question? I'm not sure really how relevant that question is seeing that the people here identify as asexual and maybe some of you as aromantic (such as me), but I'm curious because I think that the Internet gives us this rather rare opportunity (same like correpsondence in the past, possibly?) of getting to know someone without having seen their image.

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littleheartsofjoy

What about on-line relationships? Does the looks matter to you too in such a case? Would you be unwilling to meet somebody offline, based on the photo that person has sent you at some point? Would that mean that any potentially romantic relationship is out of question? I'm not sure really how relevant that question is seeing that the people here identify as asexual and maybe some of you as aromantic (such as me), but I'm curious because I think that the Internet gives us this rather rare opportunity (same like correpsondence in the past, possibly?) of getting to know someone without having seen their image.

In my experience and experiences of friends (usually sexual), looks do matter. Even though you see the personality first, looks still matter. Of course, it depends on the person, but I couldn't date someone for a long time if I didn't know how they looked like. In fact, romantic attraction only builds from aesthetics for me. There are other things that can have it build too, but aesthetics are an important part of that.

So yeah, it's important to me. Not the most important thing, but fairly important. Couldn't date someone seriously if I didn't find them to be aesthetically attractive to me. I also can't imagine how it would be like to even consider dating someone who does not find me to be attractive at all.

I don't think it's shallow to have it be important to you, but I guess it would depend on how rigorous those things/looks you find to be attractive when it comes to dating.

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If the person isn't attractive to me I won't be more than just friends. And I find many supermodels to not be anything special in the looks department.

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What about on-line relationships? Does the looks matter to you too in such a case? Would you be unwilling to meet somebody offline, based on the photo that person has sent you at some point? Would that mean that any potentially romantic relationship is out of question? I'm not sure really how relevant that question is seeing that the people here identify as asexual and maybe some of you as aromantic (such as me), but I'm curious because I think that the Internet gives us this rather rare opportunity (same like correpsondence in the past, possibly?) of getting to know someone without having seen their image.

honestly im not 100% because if im talkingto them over a dating site then yeah, their picture has a lot to do with how willing i am to meet. but if it was more of a friends thing that developed over time into something more than im not so sure

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HiddenDemons

For me, in crushes, I experience aesthetic attraction first and then I learn more about their personality and love them not only for their looks, but their personality as well. For example, with the girl I like now, it started out as aesthetic attraction but as I got to know her more, now, not only is so really beautiful but I know we have a lot in common and stuff like that (though she is straight :(). For dating websites, I would never use them, they're not really my thing, I would prefer knowing them in person and having a connection to them that way.

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theotherfey

I agree with littleheartsofjoy and HiddenDemons.If you have a crush on someone, you are going to be attracted to their looks first. If it turns out that person is a jerk, or we don't have the same interests, I wouldn't even try to be friends, because there is no way we'd mesh. Once you develop feelings for someone, it goes beyond looks, but the first thing you notice about a person is the way that person looks.

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I don't experience aesthetic attraction, so nope :<

I mean, the closest to it I might come is being a demiaesthete, but even then, I still cannot necessarily call it aesthetic attraction, because it does not feel like attraction... so I'm not sure what one would actually call that. Whereas I can be a lot more confident about calling myself a demiromantic, because what I experience in that sense definitely does feel like attraction.

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SlightlyOffKilter

God, this is a hard thing. Personally, I think the world today has brainwashed everyone into thinking that caring about looks is shallow. I suppose it can be shallow if it's the ONLY thing you care about, but there is a balance. Long term relationships only work if you like the look of the person and if you like their personality. The extent of that of course varies from person to person.

The point is, you're not shallow. Liking someone romantically/sexually takes a mix of both aesthetics and more intangible stuff, like their disposition. That is just my personal opinion, but I hope it helped at least a little bit. Good luck with everything! ^_^

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Touchofinsight

I don't feel like the term "shallow" has to be meant in a negative way. However I acknowledge that it generally is used to be some sort of put down to make you feel like your somehow a lesser person for having standards in the realm of physical appearance.

For me aesthetic attraction really is important and if that makes me shallow then so be it. I want to look at my partners and feel like I am looking at someone who is pleasing to the eyes not someone who I am making up excuses for. Oh she may not have very good skin, or she may carry around more weight then I'd like but shes so nice...

I am comfortable with the standards I have when it comes to aesthetic attraction. I also know my range goes farther then the prescribed societal norm so people will judge me for that as well, no big. If its not that, it will be about something else. People will always find something to judge positively or negatively accept it and move on in my opinion.

Don't feel guilty or feel like you have to apologize for having standards and adhering to them.

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Nope.

Person first. Looks second.

The moment looks take precedence over personality is the moment "full retard" mode is achieved. For me, of course. No offence to anyone else.

One last thing, if you are going to play the aesthetic field, play within your league. Again, no offence to anyone.

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littleheartsofjoy

Nope.

Person first. Looks second.

The moment looks take precedence over personality is the moment "full retard" mode is achieved. For me, of course. No offence to anyone else.

One last thing, if you are going to play the aesthetic field, play within your league. Again, no offence to anyone.

The whole idea of having a "League" is so subjective, since not everyone rates other people the same way. A girl can rate a guy a 5, but rate herself a 7. The same guy can rate that girl as a 5, and rate himself the same number or higher or lower. It's really subjective to people in general because even someone who is "conventionally attractive" can be rated a 8 by one person and a 5 by another person, because they aren't attractive to them.

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Yeah it sounds shallow to me. It's a "problem" I'm glad I don't have. In general, I'm glad I don't know what it is like to react to someone's facial features in any way. It is indeed a biological and primal behavior.

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Any differentiation here between the actual structure of the person and how they present themselves? I've met people who I know would look more attractive if they changed their hair or clothes.

For me, the presentation more important than the structure. I find the way someone looks to be useful in figuring out compatibility and thus, in a way, attraction. I'm an outdoors-y person and while I can appreciate someone who's put together flawlessly and see why other's would find them attractive, I find it a bit off-putting because it seems like our lifestyles would clash.

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theotherfey

Yeah it sounds shallow to me. It's a "problem" I'm glad I don't have. In general, I'm glad I don't know what it is like to react to someone's facial features in any way. It is indeed a biological and primal behavior.

It's only shallow if it's the only factor. Would I date someone just because of their looks? Of course not. If we don't mesh, if our personalities clash, or the person is a jerk, it won't matter how attractive they are. But, for me at least, looks help. I'm not looking for someone who is drop-dead gorgeous, but there is a certain body type I find attractive. Not sexually, but just nice to look at. But it has to be more than looks. Our souls have to click, too.

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Did you tell him you don't find him physically attractive? :( That can't have been fun for him. Surely just keeping it general would have been nicer for him.

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Not initially. I'll take an interest in someone as a friend, and as I get to know them they can become the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I see all of my friends as such, but I wouldn't want to kiss them cause that's just gonna screw up our friendship and anger their SOs. Getting to know someone where I actually take a romantic interest in them seems only to stem to where I think we could get along with interests and how we think and stuff like that but actually turns out that we can't and I pretty much jumped the gun and then I feel like an idiot for not noticing the things that made it not work (ignoring asexuality as a recent one; lying as a recurring one, I didn't think I looked like a doormat but maybe I have a broken mirror). So it pretty much depends. I've never really been smacked in the face with a 'you are pretty please hug me' feeling from a random stranger, but they can be pretty and I'll acknowledge it. Beautiful is a term I reserve for my friends cause that's really just it; their histories, hardships, quirks, ticks, everything just swirl together in a picture that shows them as I know them. This became a lot more about friendship oh jeez.

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Not initially. I'll take an interest in someone as a friend, and as I get to know them they can become the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

......

Beautiful is a term I reserve for my friends cause that's really just it; their histories, hardships, quirks, ticks, everything just swirl together in a picture that shows them as I know them. This became a lot more about friendship oh jeez.

This is me to a T regarding aesthetic attraction. There'd only be one thing to add for me- "Beautiful is a term I reserve for my friends and for fictional characters who I have an emotional attachment to" :P

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