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"You don't know until you've tried"


Modoc

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Hi,

I posted this on the older asexual thread because I was hoping for some more experienced advice. I'm a twenty-one year old female. I've known I was asexual for a couple years now. Currently I am "seeing" someone...sort of. Everyone in my life, except for a couple more accepting friends, don't believe that asexuality is actually a thing and second that I am one. Anyway, I met a guy at work and he asked me to go to dinner with him. I make it a point to let guys know ahead of time that I am asexual and don't want to have a relationship with anyone at that time. He was cool about it and dinner went great. Since they we've progressively been hanging out more and texting and lately I've been sleeping at his place if the weather gets bad since I commute an hour. We sleep in the same bed but we have never had sex or kissed or anth ting. He told me towards the beginning of us hanging out that he still wanted to pursue me and he was leaving it up to me to decide how far things would progress. He's really nice and fun and has adjusted well to my awkward ways by telling me the exact meaning of what he wants to say, no miscommunication. On my end it's perfect. We hang out, we talk, we cuddle, we sleep. But as he likes to tell me, I'm a paradox. I can tell he's getting more attached but I'm also making him sad because I can't give him the intimacy that he wants. He agrees that asexually is real but doesn't quite believe that I am an ace. He says how can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it (I've never even french kissed anyone). I understand his point on an intellectual level but I don't think I would like anything like that. I don't really know what I'm asking or hoping the answer to be. I guess I was hoping someone had been in a scenario similar and had some advice. Sorry for the book,

Thanks :)

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I don't have to eat shit out of the toilet to know that I wouldn't like it.

Also, I don't think developing a romantic connection without a sexual one is as paradoxical as he claims. People do it the other way around all the freakin time and nobody seems to think that's strange at all. Why else would things like hookers exist?

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As someone who has been in three long term sexual relationships, been to psycho sexual therapy, counselling, had every physical check it is possible to have done and STILL identifies as asexual I think we can assume it's a real think.

I read a great post on Tumblr the other day, it was used about gay relationships, but it works just as well for Ace ones. If someone says you 'haven't met the right person, or don't knock it until you've tried it', say this;

http://ravenguest.tumblr.com/image/80153863336

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spunkaloidal

I grew up in a super sex-positive household. I was taught that 'sex is beautiful, especially when you do it with someone you care about etc...".

I went to university with some very sex positive people and was encouraged to experiment. I can admit to having been with at least 8+ guys over ten years... and after "trying it", could have happily gone without it.

I get bored during sex, or space out, or find it painful, even when consensual. Even if a guy is really focussed on pleasuring me, i.e. through oral sex or if he's fingering me, my body responds with a resounding "meh". I've never orgasmed during intercourse, which is actually really difficult for many women to do.

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The guy seems to not understand what asexuality is. Like if you had sex with him and somehow loved it, then you would still be ace. Of course the problem would be then he could say, but you liked it that one time! So you clearly are ok with sex! So let's do it again and again!

And of course if you don't like it, which is pretty likely since it makes you uncomfortable, he could still expect it more.

Don't let people pressure you. When you have to put your foot down, put your foot down. Pressuring someone for sex is never ok.

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Is he straight? Ask him how many guys he had to sleep with before he decided he wasn't bi or gay.

Most people do not have to experiment to know what their sexual orientation is.

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how can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it (I've never even french kissed anyone)

Asexuality is not exclusively about not liking sex and / or sex related activities. At least, that is how I understand it (i could be wrong?). I guess it is possible to have sex, realize you do not dislike it, but still be asexual in the sense that you have no desire for sex and no or little sexual attraction to anyone.

I firmly believe that I my asexuality is innate and nothing could change this about me. That said, I have seen people posting on asexual sites that they are "no longer asexual" or that they are "former sexuals". I am no expert on this, and I am not saying that I am a typical asexual.

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Batman's Ace

Most people do not have to experiment to know what their sexual orientation is.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure most of the people I know didn't have to try sex to know they wanted it, and with whom. Also, this guy needs to learn that even if someone likes sex, that doesn't make them want to have it.

Besides. How does he know he won't enjoy sawing his own arm off? He's never tried it before.

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gemini20176

As someone who has been in three long term sexual relationships, been to psycho sexual therapy, counselling, had every physical check it is possible to have done and STILL identifies as asexual I think we can assume it's a real think.

I read a great post on Tumblr the other day, it was used about gay relationships, but it works just as well for Ace ones. If someone says you 'haven't met the right person, or don't knock it until you've tried it', say this;

http://ravenguest.tumblr.com/image/80153863336

Wow, I really like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Path Finder

As someone who has been in three long term sexual relationships, been to psycho sexual therapy, counselling, had every physical check it is possible to have done and STILL identifies as asexual I think we can assume it's a real think.

I read a great post on Tumblr the other day, it was used about gay relationships, but it works just as well for Ace ones. If someone says you 'haven't met the right person, or don't knock it until you've tried it', say this;

http://ravenguest.tumblr.com/image/80153863336

Wow, I really like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me too!

But really I've been in more or less the same situation before. Don't really have any great advice for handling the situation though.

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I'm not sure that he really understands asexuality is real. He might be confusing it with abstinence, if he thinks that he can convince you to be intimate with him. If you feel that you're asexual then you absolutely are. A man can't just expect to have a relationship with whoever he wants.

If he wants a sexual relationship and you want only a romantic one, then honestly I would recommend ending the relationship, because either way one of you isn't going to be happy. Of course, you know more than I do about the situation, and it's entirely up to you.

Uh... maybe move closer to work so you don't have to commute an hour? ^_^

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