What did you think was "wrong" with you before you knew the word asexual?

[Sparrow of Spring]

This post has been deleted.

 

[Estrella Starr]

I honestly believed what doctors and society told me. That I hadn't found the right person and that my physical alignments were the cause of my lack of interest. The longer I went the more expensive afraid I felt to talk about it because it would get brushed off by the people I really needed to have that conversation with me in safe spaces like the doctors office and therapy sessions. 

[IcyHelix]

I have never had the desire to have sex or make out. I've caught feelings for guys but more along the lines of "I want to spend a lot of time with you" and at most cuddle, but that's it. Sex rarely entered my brain, and it was never along the lines of "I wonder what it would be like to have sex with so-and-so" and more so along the lines of "I'm supposed to be fantasizing about this right? Er...my active imagination can't really conjure up an image...so.."

I thought for the longest time I thought my lack of desire was due to lack of experience. Being the nerdy girl in middle school and high school constricted the pool of guys who would be upfront about any interest in me (there were more guys than I thought that had interest, just they didn't want to be seen with a nerd *rolls eyes*). I will admit to having some insecurity about that as I got picked on quite a bit for being a nerd, mainly that "no one wants to go out with a nerd". I found out about asexuality in high school and it clicked but when I mentioned that to some of my peers I got the "You just haven't found the right person" and "sex is a enjoyable normal human thing". 

 

Once I got to college, I found that my "eligibility" so to speak was higher than I originally thought. I've had boyfriends, and almost-relationships and dates with guys. Part of me, remembering my conversation with my high school peers thought "well now I will see what all the fuss is about". Yet, despite how nice and awesome 95% of these men were, it just never to occurred to me to make things more intimate. 

So while I'm still figuring things out myself, I can confidently say anything more intimate than cuddling just doesn't interest me.

[Laplace]

I just jokingly referred to myself as a robot or a plant 🌱. It never really bothered me cause I had a reputation for being taciturn and unconcerned with romance and sex. Not a lot of people messed with me cause I was academically successful and I had a wrestler as a friend throughout high school.  I read a ton of scientific literature as a kid so I knew about human reproduction, so I wasn't curious as a teenager. I accepted the orientation pretty readily after learning about it last year. 

[Estrella Starr]

I mentioned this on a few other threads but my mind went everywhere from being a sociopath to severely closeted, then when I started feeling romantic and aesthetic attractions towards men I believed I had a biological disorder of some kind. I actually have a hormonal imbalance so that was something that people I would talk to pointed at for a long time even though I knew it was something different. 

[cosmicharvest]

I thought that everyone else felt the same and was just pretending for some reason. Lol

[sindi]

2 hours ago, cosmicharvest said:

I thought that everyone else felt the same and was just pretending for some reason. Lol

Me too, basically! And I thought that if anything, the rare people who really "obsessed" about sex (aka thought that it was important) were wrong!  I was just a stupid teen... 

[cosmichobo]

I spent a long time thinking I was just too shy or not confident enough to be in a relationship. Then I started getting worried about when I eventually would become old enough and I'd "have" to have a relationship (late elementary school/early middle school I was thinking this) and I realized I didn't even WANT to date anyone or eventually have sex when I was a "grown up" And thanks to the internet I figured out what that meant, and now here I am! XD

[Florenna]

On 3/20/2014 at 7:15 AM, Philip027 said:

In all honesty, I've tended to look at it as it being something "wrong" with everyone else rather than myself. I felt normal; it was everyone else that seemed weird.

 

On 1/22/2017 at 8:56 AM, cosmicharvest said:

I thought that everyone else felt the same and was just pretending for some reason. Lol

 

Me too, kind of   TBH, I didn't really think there was anything "wrong" with me, only that I maybe had a fairly low sex drive, if anything... (I may have been sexual earlier in my life though, and still identify as grey.)

 

But these quotes may actually have a point, in that the huge interest, not to say obsession, in sex that many show is at least partly societal conditioning, IMO.

[okay-but-martin-freeman]

On 3/20/2014 at 0:15 AM, Philip027 said:

In all honesty, I've tended to look at it as it being something "wrong" with everyone else rather than myself. I felt normal; it was everyone else that seemed weird.

It gradually sunk in, though, that I was not the normal one.

THIS. This so much. It's not a comforting feeling to slowly realize you're the oddball out...

[Chorvus]

I thought I was super mature. I was also confused because people would cheat on their spouses and have sex in hallways, and my thoughts were always along the lines of "this is rationally not a good idea, so what gives?" because I was 100% sure that the rest of the populace was just sort of... pretending to be sexually attracted to each other because of societal pressure.

 

Then when I realized I was actually wrong about that and was very emotionally compromised.

[Appalachian Sprite]

Looking back, there were glaring signs that I didn't fit in with the sexual crowd. My closest friends growing up were always the geeks and nerds, so to begin with we were normally more focused on grades and our studies. Eventually, though, I realized that I was different even within my small cohort. I never giggled like the rest of my childhood friends when looking at nude statues and paintings in museums, I didn't understand what the attraction to pornography was, once I even told a guy friend I'd just hopped out of the shower when he called not thinking anything of it (which scandalized my mother when she overheard). One of the first inklings I had that something was different was after a high school dance when a classmate blatantly asked me and my SO if we were going to screw later that night. I was so affronted I got up and left, throwing a sarcastic "Very mature!" over my shoulder as I fled for the bathrooms. My SO, on the other hand, was incredibly patient and understood my expression of "I want to wait for marriage"--and he continued to respect my hesitancy even after he married me a little over a decade later. 

 

But then things started to get tense. We hadn't been intimate on our wedding night, and I'd fallen asleep feeling scared and trapped. I'd been banking on this magic switch to turn on, like, "Okay, great! We're married now, so this will all work!" Oh, how wrong I was! PIV sex was always painful for me, so we shied away from it initially. After almost a year though, I finally broke down and reached out for help since my husband was starting to become increasingly worried. The doctors said it could have been physical incompatibility, while the advice from my few trusted family members was to seek therapy since they feared my marriage would be annulled. I also discovered AVEN at that point, but didn't take enough time to read through materials and contemplate if I actually fit the mold. My suggestion of asexuality to my husband was met with dismissal, too, because I still initiated occasionally and didn't seem repulsed. After that, I stopped reaching out and internalized everything. Ultimately, my husband's ideal need for a physical expression of love almost daily took its toll, and the biweekly encounters faded to once every few months. The love I had for him waned under the unspoken expectations, and my compromises for more one-sided acts weren't enough for him. He finally ended things, and I have to say I'm quite relieved. We had great aspects to our relationship, and I will look for those in a future partnership when I choose. But in the end we'd caged one another, which wasn't fair to either of us. In the wake of the separation and divorce I finally sat down and took a hard look at what had gone "wrong"...and as it turns out, nothing was "wrong". It's just me being my normal gray-a self. He and his family may never understand, but their judgments aren't important to me. I know now that there's not a problem, and best of all: I know I'm not alone.  

[m4rble]

I thought I was just a late bloomer and an unusual person. 

[Aromantic Asexual]

I thought I was a pansexual who just had never fallen in love yet.

Then when I knew I was ace, 

I still identified as panromantic, because I still thought I just hadn't fallen in love yet. Soon I realized that I don't feel romantic attraction at all and never will, then I learned the word aromantic.

[Rexcaliburr]

I didn't think anything was "wrong" with me, I just felt out of place when friends started talking about which celebrity they'd bang and never was able to use the terms "I'd tap that" or "10/10 would have sex with ______".

[Mikotokitty]

I didn't really figure out the whole asexuality thing until about a week ago. I just didn't think it was a thing/didn't worry too much about it. But I was always indifferent to sex, romance, and most of the time, real life, tv shows, or the ever popular young adult books would just infuriate me about how a character acted dumb because of romance or sex. I thought other people were dumb for being so obsessed with sex and relationships, but at the same time I worried about myself lacking those interests. I made a post about it, but the way I presented my asexuality(though I didn't know that's what it was) probably left an impression that most people thought I was gay. Unfortunately, my curiosity got me in trouble, doesn't matter what it is, I'm the cat. 

I did have a relationship that lasted for about 3 years in high school. I like to think it would've been longer if he didn't move, but that's unlikely. I was going into high school knowing I didn't really want anyone, but the thought of no one wanting me was a bit scary. I wanted to be somewhat normal. So this guy asked me out, and I agreed, thinking "Holy crap, I thought no one is ever going to ask me out, this is my chance." Looking back, I think it was mostly my curiosity and happiness(?) that someone would want me. The romance never really was there on my side, maybe a strong platonic feeling, because we were friends for 1 year already. He wanted to move to sex stuff, and I was like sure(again, curiosity killed the cat) but I got nothing from it, plus I was mildly touch adverse but made him the exception. We never went all the way. But after the first couple of times, I had begun to be very reluctant to go on dates, in fear he might ask to do that stuff. I started the "wait until marriage" bit, and with him moving away, we just broke up after a while. I've met him again after a few years, and I believe he was a really sexual person, but not promiscuous. With my matured brain, I don't think I ever loved loved him, though we do get along really well, I just don't have those feelings.

I'm sure I've always been asexual, but maybe not 100% aromantic. Nowadays I say to people "I'm waiting until marriage", and to the same people at different times, "I'm never getting married." I like to think that this way, I'm letting people know about my asexuality, but not directly. I still get the whole "you'll want kids/to get married/have a boyfriend one day" spiel, and at my age I'm wondering when will the day come that they'll realize I won't? And leave me alone about it?  

[chubby turtle]

I didn't think anything was wrong.  I thought everyone was like that and people who liked sex were pretty much like drug addicts; kind of rare, rejected by society, etc.  I had a very, very sheltered childhood.

[doggalogga]

I thought I was cursed. That of all people, *I* have to end up with "this."

 

I remember in Primary School we had sexual education. There was a video where the video stated that boys would start noticing girls. In the video, the boy would see a girl, and he'd pop a stiffy in front of her. Well, I didn't get it at the time. In fact, I still don't

 

People "liked" others. I didn't get it and thought it was stupid.

 

In High School, I was dead-set scared of being asked out. It happened. I totally didn't get it. No idea. I just figured that eventually I'd snap and function "like everybody else".

 

I saw American Pie in 1999 with friends. At the start where Jason is jacking off with a sock over his todger, I actually didn't know what he was doing. 

 

Once I reached late teens I was depressed over my, "dysfunction". I felt isolated and cursed.

 

It wasn't until a friend made fun of the people that were, 'asexual' and what it meant, my ears pricked up, heavily. That nightI went home and looked it up.

 

Fucking.Bingo

 

It was a relief. Over time, I have grown a lot more comfortable with it and am content with knowing there are others out there who have thought the same things, and had similar experiences. I am only atypical - not abnormal.

 

My parents know, and a friend of mine does as well. Ultimately, nobody cares because it's only a small part of who I am. I'm a good bloke first and foremost.

[April_ONeil]

I was raised Christian and was still Christian as a teen (when everyone really starts noticing sex stuff), and I just thought I was REALLY good at waiting for marriage or something. Like, everyone else seemed to have trouble controlling their urges and I never did, and I just figured I was super disciplined or something. 

 

Then I figured it out later and was like, "oh." 

[City_Flyer]

It took me a long time to figure out why I always found sex unfulfilling.

 

Quite honestly, I though I was doing it wrong, and that I just wasn't very good at it. I put it down to all kinds of excuses, like inexperience, performance anxiety, etc.

 

But now I realise that sex just isn't my thing, and I'm totally comfortable with that now.

[WobblyWallaby]

I just figured I was a late bloomer.

I assumed I was just shy.

I  thought I hadn't found the right person to be with.

I thought I was Bi because I admired both from a far.

While coming out as bi to a friend she said I sounded more like I might be asexual.

I do believe Asexuality is the ultimate truth but I'm also in bi quadrant with a smidgen of shy thrown in.

 

[Sherlocks]

On 3/19/2014 at 9:58 PM, Adogg said:

I've always known I was ace, but had no word for it. All the signs were there looking back now (never had a porn collection, never have been to a strip club) there was just no interest. I always figured it was some kind of chemical imbalance, some biological defect that just made me want to have sex. An actual orientation never occurred to me. What did other people think about their asexuality before you knew the word, not so much in what did you call it, but what did you think was the cause of your lack of desire?

 

 

Asexuality is not the only reason im abnormal. I also have a low emotional response, grandiose fantasy, slightly delusional and no matter what I do horribly morbid. So there is a lot of things that are different about me. I wonder if I might have personality disorder of some kind but I not entirely sure. 

[Guest]

I thought I may have been gay. I was so scared that, when I was a teenager, I thought I could make myself like women by looking at sexy or nude pictures of women. I remember going to a church that seemed to be an early adopter of the god hates gays rigmarole so that didn't help. Once I was out of high school I just assumed I was defective and went on about my business. Eventually the tension between liking to be around women and with women but not wanting sex was a significant contributor to a mental breakdown and two suicide attempts. It was not good times when you think you are a irreparable nutcase.

[Kit Rose]

middle school: late bloomer

early high school: shallow

late high school: erotophobic 

early college: broken

late college: asexual

[lynxfratelli]

ufff, this was a long time ago, but I thought I might have a psychological disorder of some kind. I don't really have a wide range of emotions, and I've always felt a bit detached from my feelings so the fact that everyone else but me was experiencing romantic feelings made me think that I was not "normal". I know now that this was not the case, but it got me worried for a while. 

 

During high school I started to hang out with a lot of people with different sexual and romantic orientations and they were pretty much my education on the subject. Later, I started to experience aesthetic attraction for different people and thought I might be pan. I hadn't realized that aesthetic attraction was a thing, so I still felt weird about not wanting to have sex with people I was attracted to.

 

By this time I started to think that I had to be a late bloomer, that maybe puberty never hit me, or that I was just "sexually immature". I'm still amazed by the amount of rubbish I used to tell myself just to help me understand something that felt so natural to me as being asexual. I learnt about asexuality about three years ago and it felt incredibly good to finally stop trying to make excuses.       

[9Lives]

I though I was just weird, and maybe that I hadn't me the right person yet.

[PHOENIX97]

I didn't really know what was wrong with me so that's why I looked it up. Unfortunately I put in the wrong thing and I didn't get asexuality first. So for a couple of days I thought hypoactive sexual desire disorder and talked to a shrink. But it didn't feel right so I tried doing what we talked about. And I forced myself to be the society's normal human being. That didn't feel right to me so I went digging a little deeper and here I am.

[Puck]

At first I just thought I was a late bloomer.... Then I assumed there was something messed up with my hormones making me not feel anything.

 

I really wanted a relationship from middle school on, I thought sexual attraction was just finding someone pretty then developing a relationship with them which made physical stuff exciting. Then I got older and people would have (GASP!) one night stands?! Without knowing the other person?! Madness.

 

I was happy to learn I wasn't the only one not wanting to participate in that world.

[012]

I just thought I had a really low interest in sex (I was more interested in it before I actually tried it LOL).  There was also some lying to myself going on, that I didn't realize.

 

I also always assumed that everyone (and media etc.) was wildly over-exaggerting how often people have sex. Turns out it's not as blown out of proportion as much as I thought.  I also used to think it was just another run of the mill part of relationships, like "do we like the same food?".  

[012]

16 hours ago, Josie P said:

Then I got older and people would have (GASP!) one night stands?! Without knowing the other person?! Madness.

 

Agree, I think that's crazy.  I mean it's awkward, weird and scary enough with someone you know well. Geez can't imagine the stranger thing.