"coming out" as an older asexuals concept

[Garin]

black ring on the middle finger of the right hand, anything beyond that is up to you. For many of us this is more about reminding ourselves that we're not alone than it is about spotting each other (given the general improbability of being in the presence of an ace who also knows about the ring and likes the idea enough to wear one).

[Ghizwiz]

black ring on the middle finger of the right hand, anything beyond that is up to you. For many of us this is more about reminding ourselves that we're not alone than it is about spotting each other (given the general improbability of being in the presence of an ace who also knows about the ring and likes the idea enough to wear one).

Wearing the ring is exactly this for me, thanks for putting it so well. Times I'm stressed by unwanted romantic attention or the conversation, instead of feeling awkward and out of place, I touch that black ring and feel confident and secure in myself.

[thisforumisstupid]

I have to tell you what I think up front. I find that "coming out" is an LGBT concept that doesn't translate well to asexuality. For the most part, it is nobody else's business that I am asexual, and for an even greater part, nobody hassles me for being asexual. Youngsters on AVEN have reported being pressured by their families and peers and boy/girlfriends into being sexually active, and in those situations I guess "coming out" makes sense. But to "come out" just for the sake of being a showoff and dominating the conversation, when nobody has even alluded to your asexuality, much less said they have a problem with it or caused you any problems because of it, is something I find reprehensible. It's one of those things imported from the LGBT crowd, the vast majority of whom are not asexual, and which fits in very poorly with the realities of asexuality.

But even if you disagree with that, in what way does "coming out" work for a person like us, in our 40s? The people in our lives, if they have been in our lives for any length of time at all, are already aware of what we're like, and either they accept us or we have the confidence to tell them to take a hike--or, if we depend on them, we have enough life experience to manage the situation. As for strangers and acquaintances, we are all old enough not to give two shits about their opinions of us. Let the kids care about what every random idiot on the street thinks! We _should_ be far too mature for that (even if it is mostly children who make a big deal out of the word "mature.")

To sum up, if you've been married for 15 years and finally figured out that it's okay not to want sex with your spouse because that's the way you naturally are, that is a conversation you need to have with your spouse, but privately and decorously, because it's something between the two of you and involves no one else. But to grab a megaphone, climb onto the roof and start "coming out" to everybody on the street would be at best childish, and at worst narcissistic. The fact is that, at our age, nobody except someone like a spouse even cares about it.

Let the flaming begin.

I agree with all of your post.

Even though I've long known the term, I only started researching the topic of asexuality in the past couple of days and felt somewhat encouraged, not because I need any kind of validation or a place to "come out", but because my goal is to form a friendship or two and hopefully a long-term relationship, so it's good to know there are so many others who feel as I do. But . . . what I've found thus far online is a lot of scientific-type analysis of asexuality, labeling, categorizing, etc. and that's ok for someone who needs a basic primer about asexuality, but I think it's going to deter a lot of people who may be seeking connections . . . likewise, the term "coming out" is definitely not a positive one in relation to asexuals, particularly for those over 40 or 50, indeed.

Seems the world of social media has created a generation of people who seem compelled to "out" everything in their lives . . . and it's definitely created a huge degree of narcissistic behaviors.

Coming out is and will always have...... lgbt connitations and should you declare to someone you are "comming out" then do not be surprised in the real world if someone says...so your gay then?

That said..in 50 years I have never heard anyone say..."I'm coming out" when actually being open and honest about who and what they are .....to the intended party.

It's another example I'm afraid of never getting a second chance for a first impression...for me the only asexuals who should use the term are those who are actually under the lgbt groups (gay, bi etc)...and no despite some wanting it...asexuality is not a lgbt franchise..thank you very much

Ultimately it's down to the individual...but don't be surprised ..depending on the words you use....on the reaction you get

Precisely.

should you declare to someone you are "comming out" then do not be surprised in the real world if someone says...so your gay then?

This is a very fair statement !

As much as we may not like it, the truth is, if we want people to recognize and respect our community for what it is, then we should stop trying to make our community a part of someone else's community that represents SEXUAL people.

Yes, this ^

My assumption in visiting any forum or website about asexuals is that the participants have no interest, want, or need for sex . . . period . . . and I should think that any asexual who is seeking a place to chat, post, and connect will expect the same. So it's very disconcerting if they get bombarded with any kind of sexual-related terminology and references. I know there are gray areas of asexuality, but I think true asexuals need a community that is, well, for lack of a better word: pure. Does that make sense?

I feel that if we lived in a world where it was safe to say, hey, I don't even have sex, then it might be a better world for everyone, because they might see it's not so damn important!

I think this is part of why I don't feel comfortable "coming out." If sex is so unimportant to me, then why should my personal feelings about it f be important to anyone else? I understand and admire anyone who is interested in visibility and education, but for me the apathy translates into a lack of desire to tell people about it as well.

I know what you're saying here - that personal feelings are your own, and I also understand what you mean about apathy.

Likewise, I get what angrybird is saying too, about how others might catch on to the concept and realize that sex is not really important . . . thus, the "coming out" (still, not a good term).

So what it comes down to is whether a person prefers to be more private, perhaps sharing their asexuality only in discussions like this and in trying to connect with someone OR if they want to get involved and be part of an educational and awareness movement. The activist part of me would like to more actively advocate the message that asexuality is great and not some weird dysfunctional thing . . . but the reality is that I don't think the general populace would listen because the concept of sex, sex, sex is so strongly instilled in them, from their families and friends to the media and advertisers.

[Sally]

My assumption in visiting any forum or website about asexuals is that the participants have no interest, want, or need for sex . . . period . . . and I should think that any asexual who is seeking a place to chat, post, and connect will expect the same. So it's very disconcerting if they get bombarded with any kind of sexual-related terminology and references. I know there are gray areas of asexuality, but I think true asexuals need a community that is, well, for lack of a better word: pure. Does that make sense?

No. Just as no one is "pure", no one is a "true" asexual. AVEN is home to a sector for friends, partners, and allies, and those members are usually sexual. We're also home to members at different points on the asexuality spectrum. We welcome all of them and their perspectives. There aren't any membership tests.

[thisforumisstupid]

My assumption in visiting any forum or website about asexuals is that the participants have no interest, want, or need for sex . . . period . . . and I should think that any asexual who is seeking a place to chat, post, and connect will expect the same. So it's very disconcerting if they get bombarded with any kind of sexual-related terminology and references. I know there are gray areas of asexuality, but I think true asexuals need a community that is, well, for lack of a better word: pure. Does that make sense?

No. Just as no one is "pure", no one is a "true" asexual. AVEN is home to a sector for friends, partners, and allies, and those members are usually sexual. We're also home to members at different points on the asexuality spectrum. We welcome all of them and their perspectives. There aren't any membership tests.

Respect your opinions, but . . . there are people who do not need or want sex. Period. Isn't that a true asexual?

I didn't suggest that any person is pure . . . I just made the reference about a community and I noted "for lack of a better word". The crossovers and terminology are going to confuse a lot of true asexuals and perhaps it's worth considering that some would prefer more "pure" interpretations.

[Sally]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

[thisforumisstupid]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

Elitist? Are you kidding? Wow, you seem to want to argue and I did not come to this forum to argue with anyone.

I did not tell YOU anything, actually. My posts above were not addressed to you. I merely made some civil suggestions and comments.

The name of this site is asexuality.org and the banner says: an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

So why would you specify in your reply that AVEN is home to members who are "usually sexual"? That it totally contradictory.

I am a true asexual. You can argue with that all day long, but it won't change the fact that there ARE people who are true asexuals.

I only found this forum yesterday and was encouraged that I could interact with like-minded folks, and I thought my posts would be welcomed and appreciated, but your tone is very negative. I am frankly not the least bit interested in debating or arguing with you or anyone else here. One would assume this forum is a place for asexuals to connect with others, learn, and engage in conversations - hope I wasn't wrong that this is also a welcoming forum. This is a topic that's very important to people and there's no reason for debate and arguments.

[Too Old for this Site]

(reposted to correct thread)

Still trying to figure out how to use mobile version of site.

[Too Old for this Site]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

Elitist? Are you kidding? Wow, you seem to want to argue and I did not come to this forum to argue with anyone.

I did not tell YOU anything, actually. My posts above were not addressed to you. I merely made some civil suggestions and comments.

The name of this site is asexuality.org and the banner says: an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

So why would you specify in your reply that AVEN is home to members who are "usually sexual"? That it totally contradictory.

I am a true asexual. You can argue with that all day long, but it won't change the fact that there ARE people who are true asexuals.

I only found this forum yesterday and was encouraged that I could interact with like-minded folks, and I thought my posts would be welcomed and appreciated, but your tone is very negative. I am frankly not the least bit interested in debating or arguing with you or anyone else here. One would assume this forum is a place for asexuals to connect with others, learn, and engage in conversations - hope I wasn't wrong that this is also a welcoming forum. This is a topic that's very important to people and there's no reason for debate and arguments.

This is a friendly place, and welcome! I'm sorry you were greeted by a semantics lesson.

When I first joined, I made the mistake of wandering directly into the chat room, where I was greeted by a bunch of teens and 20-somethings who wanted to talk about nothing BUT sex. At my "advanced" age of 47, I'm used to those types of discussions being reserved for "R" rated chat rooms...but things have changed.

Anyway, if you hang around (and please do), you'll find there are a lot of layers to this concept and community. Some aces are sex-repulsed, some are different shades of gray. Some want romantic relationships, others do not. Some are into the fettish lifestyle and role play, others have no interest. As you've already mentioned, there are generational nuances as well. At the end of the day, it seems there are about as many different types of sexuality as there are asexuals, but we all have one thing in common...a need for a safe place to go and talk and vent, and get information (or validation). We need a "home," and AVEN is providing that right now.

After that little chat room experience, I left for awhile because I thought I didn't fit in here. I'm glad I eventually gave it another try.

[thisforumisstupid]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

Elitist? Are you kidding? Wow, you seem to want to argue and I did not come to this forum to argue with anyone.

I did not tell YOU anything, actually. My posts above were not addressed to you. I merely made some civil suggestions and comments.

The name of this site is asexuality.org and the banner says: an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

So why would you specify in your reply that AVEN is home to members who are "usually sexual"? That it totally contradictory.

I am a true asexual. You can argue with that all day long, but it won't change the fact that there ARE people who are true asexuals.

I only found this forum yesterday and was encouraged that I could interact with like-minded folks, and I thought my posts would be welcomed and appreciated, but your tone is very negative. I am frankly not the least bit interested in debating or arguing with you or anyone else here. One would assume this forum is a place for asexuals to connect with others, learn, and engage in conversations - hope I wasn't wrong that this is also a welcoming forum. This is a topic that's very important to people and there's no reason for debate and arguments.

This is a friendly place, and welcome! I'm sorry you were greeted by a semantics lesson.

When I first joined, I made the mistake of wandering directly into the chat room, where I was greeted by a bunch of teens and 20-somethings who wanted to talk about nothing BUT sex. At my "advanced" age of 47, I'm used to those types of discussions being reserved for "R" rated chat rooms...but things have changed.

Anyway, if you hang around (and please do), you'll find there are a lot of layers to this concept and community. Some aces are sex-repulsed, some are different shades of gray. Some want romantic relationships, others do not. Some are into the fettish lifestyle and role play, others have no interest. As you've already mentioned, there are generational nuances as well. At the end of the day, it seems there are about as many different types of sexuality as there are asexuals, but we all have one thing in common...a need for a safe place to go and talk and vent, and get information (or validation). We need a "home," and AVEN is providing that right now.

After that little chat room experience, I left for awhile because I thought I didn't fit in here. I'm glad I eventually gave it another try.

Hi Jennspoint, and thank you for the welcome and supportive post.

It was indeed a semantics lesson - and no one needs that, right, especially when the one arguing is so wrong in their interpretation. I'm just not up for any heavy debates or arguments on this topic.

Yes, I really do understand there are multi-layers of this topic and I don't diminish the fact that different people experience different feelings. My concern though, is for the over 50 crowd and their perception of a subject that may be, technically, new to them . . . in other words, people who have known for decades that they were not interested in sex, but never identified or labeled it - and so if they step forward to learn more and hope to connect with some new friends, I think they very likely can be overwhelmed by all the labeling and terminology - and semantics arguments - and it will cause them to retreat, when all they really want is to connect with others who, plain and simply, do not want or need sex. And I'm not sure it's a good idea at all, the more I think about it, to group asexuals in with the LGBT community . . . I don't find any correlation whatsoever; thus, the lack of need for terms like "coming out" which I know for a fact will deter a lot of older people due to their mindsets and how they were raised, religion, etc.

Perhaps I'm over-simplifying a complex topic, but in my "old age" I've learned that simple is most always better. :)

Have a good day!

[Sally]

Quirky me, I said above "AVEN is home to a sector for friends, partners, and allies, and those members are usually sexual."

In that sentence, I was talking about a specific section of AVEN, not all of AVEN, and the members of that section ARE usually sexual. In that section, we try not to use terms that indicate to sexuals that asexuals are in any way more "pure" than sexuals. That's far from being a semantic argument.

By the way, I'm one of the older members of AVEN, have been here 7 years, and came into AVEN after being asexual all my life. My post decrying the use of the words "pure" and "true" reflect some people coming into AVEN having decided that asexuals are better than sexuals, with the unspoken (sometimes spoken) attitude being that 1) sexuals are impure and 2) there are "untrue" asexuals. That's a pretty discouraging attitude to come upon when sexuals investigate AVEN outside the "friends and allies" section, and it's also also discouraging for new asexuals coming into AVEN wondering if they're really asexuals. There's no point in AVEN looking like it's got an entrance test for asexuals to prove themselves.

[thisforumisstupid]

Quirky me, I said above "AVEN is home to a sector for friends, partners, and allies, and those members are usually sexual."

In that sentence, I was talking about a specific section of AVEN, not all of AVEN, and the members of that section ARE usually sexual. In that section, we try not to use terms that indicate to sexuals that asexuals are in any way more "pure" than sexuals. That's far from being a semantic argument.

By the way, I'm one of the older members of AVEN, have been here 7 years, and came into AVEN after being asexual all my life. My post decrying the use of the words "pure" and "true" reflect some people coming into AVEN having decided that asexuals are better than sexuals, with the unspoken (sometimes spoken) attitude being that 1) sexuals are impure and 2) there are "untrue" asexuals. That's a pretty discouraging attitude to come upon when sexuals investigate AVEN outside the "friends and allies" section, and it's also also discouraging for new asexuals coming into AVEN wondering if they're really asexuals. There's no point in AVEN looking like it's got an entrance test for asexuals to prove themselves.

Actually it is semantics and frankly, a bit hypocritical on your part because you attacked me for allegedly telling you if you're true or not true . . . yet you seem to be dictating what words people should and should not use when joining the forum.

My use of the word "true" was meant to indicate just that - the absolute lack of wanting or needing sex - no gray area, no demi, nothing, just no sex.

My use of the word "pure" was in reference to what I feel is the need for a community for asexuals (especially older) who do not want to be mired in all the different interpretations, a place to interact amongst themselves, and then if they find someone specifically to connect to, they can work it out privately should there be any variances in their thinking. And the fact that you state AVEN does include people who are sexual is just another reason why (true) asexuals need a community of their own, without any link to sexuals or LGBT.

That you personally chose to interpret my use of the word "pure" as having to do with some kind of judgment about morality, cleanliness, superiority, etc. is your own doing, so don't put that on me. If people come here with the attitude that their sexuality is somehow better or superior to others, that's of course counter-productive to the issues and will put people off, but it's not something that pertains to me because I didn't do that. So you've had issues with people who do that, ok, but don't jump to conclusions about new posters and don't jump without thinking something through before posting. Opinions about terminology are fine, but you seem really bogged down in semantics . . . let it go and allow everyone to decide for themselves.

Sally, it's of no interest to me if you've been here 7 years or 7 days, you greeted a new member with a defensive attitude, and there is no call for that. It will only deter some people who are looking for a friendly community - which is precisely why I registered here, not particularly for education and awareness, but to connect with others who feel as I do . . . and as far as I'm concerned, that does not include arguing and dissecting scientific data and terminology.

This is the last I will engage with you on this thread.

Have a good evening.

[thisforumisstupid]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

Elitist? Are you kidding? Wow, you seem to want to argue and I did not come to this forum to argue with anyone.

I did not tell YOU anything, actually. My posts above were not addressed to you. I merely made some civil suggestions and comments.

The name of this site is asexuality.org and the banner says: an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

So why would you specify in your reply that AVEN is home to members who are "usually sexual"? That it totally contradictory.

I am a true asexual. You can argue with that all day long, but it won't change the fact that there ARE people who are true asexuals.

I only found this forum yesterday and was encouraged that I could interact with like-minded folks, and I thought my posts would be welcomed and appreciated, but your tone is very negative. I am frankly not the least bit interested in debating or arguing with you or anyone else here. One would assume this forum is a place for asexuals to connect with others, learn, and engage in conversations - hope I wasn't wrong that this is also a welcoming forum. This is a topic that's very important to people and there's no reason for debate and arguments.

This is a friendly place, and welcome! I'm sorry you were greeted by a semantics lesson.

When I first joined, I made the mistake of wandering directly into the chat room, where I was greeted by a bunch of teens and 20-somethings who wanted to talk about nothing BUT sex. At my "advanced" age of 47, I'm used to those types of discussions being reserved for "R" rated chat rooms...but things have changed.

Anyway, if you hang around (and please do), you'll find there are a lot of layers to this concept and community. Some aces are sex-repulsed, some are different shades of gray. Some want romantic relationships, others do not. Some are into the fettish lifestyle and role play, others have no interest. As you've already mentioned, there are generational nuances as well. At the end of the day, it seems there are about as many different types of sexuality as there are asexuals, but we all have one thing in common...a need for a safe place to go and talk and vent, and get information (or validation). We need a "home," and AVEN is providing that right now.

After that little chat room experience, I left for awhile because I thought I didn't fit in here. I'm glad I eventually gave it another try.

Hi Jennspoint, and thank you for the welcome and supportive post.

It was indeed a semantics lesson - and no one needs that, right, especially when the one arguing is so wrong in their interpretation. I'm just not up for any heavy debates or arguments on this topic.

Yes, I really do understand there are multi-layers of this topic and I don't diminish the fact that different people experience different feelings. My concern though, is for the over 50 crowd and their perception of a subject that may be, technically, new to them . . . in other words, people who have known for decades that they were not interested in sex, but never identified or labeled it - and so if they step forward to learn more and hope to connect with some new friends, I think they very likely can be overwhelmed by all the labeling and terminology - and semantics arguments - and it will cause them to retreat, when all they really want is to connect with others who, plain and simply, do not want or need sex. And I'm not sure it's a good idea at all, the more I think about it, to group asexuals in with the LGBT community . . . I don't find any correlation whatsoever; thus, the lack of need for terms like "coming out" which I know for a fact will deter a lot of older people due to their mindsets and how they were raised, religion, etc.

Perhaps I'm over-simplifying a complex topic, but in my "old age" I've learned that simple is most always better. :)

Have a good day!

Jennspoint, I wanted to add to you and everyone that I don't diminish the legitimacy of any of those layers of asexuality . . . I acknowledge that I'm learning more as I go and realize some things about this are not always so cut and dried, but advocating more simplistic approaches is just my two cents worth about how places like AVEN can make larger numbers of people feel more comfortable and confident.

[Too Old for this Site]

I think the word "true" is just as elitist and inappropriate as "pure". Who has the right to tell me if I'm either true or not true?

Elitist? Are you kidding? Wow, you seem to want to argue and I did not come to this forum to argue with anyone.

I did not tell YOU anything, actually. My posts above were not addressed to you. I merely made some civil suggestions and comments.

The name of this site is asexuality.org and the banner says: an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

So why would you specify in your reply that AVEN is home to members who are "usually sexual"? That it totally contradictory.

I am a true asexual. You can argue with that all day long, but it won't change the fact that there ARE people who are true asexuals.

I only found this forum yesterday and was encouraged that I could interact with like-minded folks, and I thought my posts would be welcomed and appreciated, but your tone is very negative. I am frankly not the least bit interested in debating or arguing with you or anyone else here. One would assume this forum is a place for asexuals to connect with others, learn, and engage in conversations - hope I wasn't wrong that this is also a welcoming forum. This is a topic that's very important to people and there's no reason for debate and arguments.

This is a friendly place, and welcome! I'm sorry you were greeted by a semantics lesson.

When I first joined, I made the mistake of wandering directly into the chat room, where I was greeted by a bunch of teens and 20-somethings who wanted to talk about nothing BUT sex. At my "advanced" age of 47, I'm used to those types of discussions being reserved for "R" rated chat rooms...but things have changed.

Anyway, if you hang around (and please do), you'll find there are a lot of layers to this concept and community. Some aces are sex-repulsed, some are different shades of gray. Some want romantic relationships, others do not. Some are into the fettish lifestyle and role play, others have no interest. As you've already mentioned, there are generational nuances as well. At the end of the day, it seems there are about as many different types of sexuality as there are asexuals, but we all have one thing in common...a need for a safe place to go and talk and vent, and get information (or validation). We need a "home," and AVEN is providing that right now.

After that little chat room experience, I left for awhile because I thought I didn't fit in here. I'm glad I eventually gave it another try.

Hi Jennspoint, and thank you for the welcome and supportive post.

It was indeed a semantics lesson - and no one needs that, right, especially when the one arguing is so wrong in their interpretation. I'm just not up for any heavy debates or arguments on this topic.

Yes, I really do understand there are multi-layers of this topic and I don't diminish the fact that different people experience different feelings. My concern though, is for the over 50 crowd and their perception of a subject that may be, technically, new to them . . . in other words, people who have known for decades that they were not interested in sex, but never identified or labeled it - and so if they step forward to learn more and hope to connect with some new friends, I think they very likely can be overwhelmed by all the labeling and terminology - and semantics arguments - and it will cause them to retreat, when all they really want is to connect with others who, plain and simply, do not want or need sex. And I'm not sure it's a good idea at all, the more I think about it, to group asexuals in with the LGBT community . . . I don't find any correlation whatsoever; thus, the lack of need for terms like "coming out" which I know for a fact will deter a lot of older people due to their mindsets and how they were raised, religion, etc.

Perhaps I'm over-simplifying a complex topic, but in my "old age" I've learned that simple is most always better. :)

Have a good day!

Jennspoint, I wanted to add to you and everyone that I don't diminish the legitimacy of any of those layers of asexuality . . . I acknowledge that I'm learning more as I go and realize some things about this are not always so cut and dried, but advocating more simplistic approaches is just my two cents worth about how places like AVEN can make larger numbers of people feel more comfortable and confident.

Sigh...yes, I know, and I agree...you're preaching to the choir. ;)

[Tanwen]

I'm not sure if you've read this thread, but it explains why words like 'true' or 'pure' asexual are discouraged. Please keep it civil. Thanks

Tanwen

Older Asexuals Mod

[Yeast]

My sexual orientation (or lack of it) has never been that much of an issue for me. I've never felt there was something wrong with me, but I did have to take into account what others might think. Therefore my asexuality remained a vaguely embarrassing secret. I did have what I suppose could be called an intimate relationship with a friend. We traveled all over the country and basically lived together for weeks at times. There was no sex and I never wanted any. Unfortunately my friend did and when I tried to settle things by "coming out" this only seemed to make matters worse. I can only assume my friend thought I was lying to them and the subsequent dishonesty on their part ruined a splendid friendship. I probably will keep things to myself from now on, or at least discuss my finer points with the appropriate audience. This forum seems to be just the place. Far from coming out here, I came in. .

[DiamondStar]

Listening to all of you, I'm hearing that the concept of "coming out" doesn't quite fit the asexual experience. I totally agree with that, as I don't feel a real need to come out to the people in my life. Knowing I'm asexual and knowing I'm not alone in this is the greatest comfort I have experienced (I only just recently realized there are others like me)

"I'm not alone" is a common refrain among asexuals it seems and the relief people feel when they realize that is palpable. I'd like to go with a different expression that might describe asexual experience better. Instead of the LGBT concept of "coming out" I prefer "Coming in" as in coming in from the wilderness of the sexualised world and joining with others who feel the same. That's what it feels like for me.

I am so grateful for the AVEN website and for the community that's forming because for the first time in my life I feel that I belong.

Thank you all for just being here and may we all be happy!

[Hwaet]

Thank you all for just being here and may we all be happy!

I agree. And thank you to all of the kind, welcoming and civil people on here who can make these issues into a real and humane discussion.

My two cents: My wife knows. I know. My children do not (they are young, and when it is relevant to them, I will talk with them about it). I have considered wearing a black ring as a sign of solidarity.

I have many friends and associates in the LGBTQ community, and I think that theirs is an issue that is entirely different in nearly every way except one: the issue of maginality. Members of the LGBTQ community and asexuals are maginalized by mainstream society in vastly different and infinitely subtle ways. Since "coming out" has historically applied to the former, there are many ways that this term does not necessarily apply to those on the spectrum of asexuality. As for me personally, I'm not sharing much with anyone outside this wonderful AVEN community, where I do feel a degree of safety that I've never felt before. Thank you all for this.

[RoninA]

This is a fascinating thread for an older Ace person. I suppose for me, what would be the point of 'coming out'? Do I feel the need to identify with a particular orientation or behaviour? Not really, but I suppose the thing for me is that, at my age now, I'm utterly comfortable with discussing my orientation with anyone who asks. That isn't shouting from the rooftops, that's just me being slef-assured and comfortable in my own skin.

I've been fairly certain about being A for over 10 years, and I'm now trying to become more engaged and informed, thanks to Sondra Decker's book. I don't have any problem with re-positioning my orientation along a spectrum of behaviours or needs, and am comfortable talking about it if people ask.

To me, the thing is, people my age get asked about those things less often. If I was in my late teens or 20's, I'm not sure whether I'd be quite so composed, even with a resource like AVEN to turn to for support. There can be a tremendous amount of peer pressure around identifying and expressing sexuality - while I was in my 20's, the default alternative was that I had to be homosexual, since I didn't show any serious interest in pursuing relationships with women. It still seems that sexuality is an area where we can't self-identify - we're required to opt out of a 'norm'.

I asked myself a lot of questions I couldn't answer - late starter, extreme shyness. As i got older, I tried some alternative things, before learning about Asexuality. Today I know myself better, and find it pretty easy to answer questions honestly. I liked Yeast's final observation - about not coming out, but coming in...

[Autumn Sunrise]

I feel you've described the situation of an older Ace very well. RoninA. In many ways, there's less need to "come out" at all. On the other hand, coming out to family/friends can present a few challenges for an older Ace who has been married and has children - there's really no quick/easy way to explain this, and explanations may involve some awkward and intimate details. Easiest way = say nothing!

[daveb]

For an older ace who hasn't been married there can be issues, too. Or for those like me who may not even have dated much there can be a lot of family speculation that said ace is a closeted gay/lesbian person. And if that's not the case, regardless of the fact that there's nothing wrong with being gay or lesbian, said ace may not want to be mis-identified. There may also be concern on the family's part that said ace is missing out on something and is therefore the subject of sympathy and possibly questions and being set up. Said ace might want to avoid that and other misunderstandings. One way is to tell people to butt out (in a nice way, hopefully), that it's a private/personal matter and should be of no concern to anyone else. Or, said ace might want to be open and honest and tell loving family and friends where they stand. It doesn't mean they have to be explicit or anything. I told my mom, and basically just told her here's the label I identify with. She's the kind of person who is widely read, knows a lot, and researches what she doesn't know. SO she got it. Now she doesn't have to worry about my relationship status or lack thereof. :) Makes things easier on both of us.

[GoldenaLy]

I want to bring in the aromantic perspective to this conversation, because not wanting to form a romantic partnership adds a new, somewhat visible element to the equation. No one can tell if you're having sex with your partner or not (and I agree you don't need to tell people unless you want to about your asexuality) but people CAN tell when you never go on dates, never express romantic interests in anyone, never participate in conversations about how hot that guy was, etc. I'm okay with the term "coming out" because in having no romantic or sexual interest in any gender, I do not consider myself straight. I do not consider myself gay or bisexual. Aromantic asexual is the best way to describe how I feel - no romantic or sexual attraction towards any gender.

When I came out to people, I didn't really mention sex at all. Not wanting to have sex is kind of implied when you don't have any romantic attractions to anyone - no need to go out of your way to point that out. I came out primarily to indicate to people that I was never going to marry or form a romantic partnership with anyone, and would they please stop asking if I was gay and why I wasn't dating yet? I wanted people to know what I really was, because I wanted didn't want to have to conceal anything from anyone.

I still tell people periodically, although not nearly so formally, and why wouldn't I tell people? When a friend once offered to help me set up a dating profile (if I wanted her help), of course I was going to tell her I wasn't interested because I was asexual and had no interest in finding a partner. There was no point in not telling her. And I'm okay with having these sometimes uncomfortable conversations with people (who was claiming that coming out was a party?!) if it means increasing awareness. I don't want this to be as invisible as it has been, and I want to make the world an easier place for other asexuals when they come out. Above all, I don't want to have to lie about things or go about life pretending that I'm something I'm not. Coming out has allowed me to do all those things.

[RoninA]

Hi GoldenaLy, that point is where I haven't worked out where I am - I think I may be in the area of Aromantic/Grayromantic, and daveb brings up an area which, oddly, has never really caused me many problems. I can remember the partner of a friend (training as a therapist, strangely), deciding there was something 'wrong' with me because I didn't express any attraction towards celebrities. Head-scratcher there. That was in my late 20's. I also recall being told by some acquaintances over a beer (after I tried toexplain why I wasn't in a relationship at 28), that 'I just wanted to be loved'. I was quizzed by a work colleague along similar lines during my mid-30s.

Since then, though, not really anything. My late mother used to tell people I 'wasn't interested in girls', but resisted the idea I wasn't interested in anybody. It never caused any tension, though and other family members' opinions have never come into play. My sister is cool about my lifestyle. I suppose the only person I can hurt by discussing my orientation and preferences is myself, and I feel pretty solid in that sense these days...

[Dragonmum]

I've been "coming out" as both asexual and some sort of agender/gender queer to family and friends recently. For me, even as a married 54 yo mother, it's been positive in a few ways:

*It's validated to me that most of my friends and family knew there was something different about me.

*People who couldn't "put their finger on it" now the words to put to that difference.

*I was surprised to find out I had some friends who assumed I was gay. This cleared up that idea.

*At least 2 (maybe more) people I came out to have gone on to realize they were also some sort of asexual - one is 61, the other 30.

*One of my friends has a transgender stepson, and was puzzled by his lack of interest in sex or dating. She's thinking he might be asexual, and is going to talk to him about it.

*Gave my husband and I another frame of reference for issues in our marraige - for the better.

*My younger son, his girlfriend and his friends appreciate his Mom coming out as "queer" and see now as not just an ally, but part of their community

So, although maybe "it was nobody's business", I found talking about my orientation (selectively) enriched my life and that of many I chose to share it with.

Your mileage may vary.

Palms together.

Dragonmum

[Yebanth]

I wanted to share a positive experience too. I had not decided to Come out' in any way. I was going to go down the line of 'no need to say anything...' But at new year my mum and I had a couple of drinks, a very nice take away and were talking away... And then it just happened! I didn't know where to look and squirmed as mum looked shocked. That was until she spoke and said "oh no! Your in your 30's and I've been giving you wrong advice all along. I didn't realise.. I thought you wanted..." And the conversation went on to me explaining all about Asexuality.

The teary moment for me was the next day when I got a lovely email and a Ps asking if people can discover this at 65!!

I am still taking the view of not telling my dad or brother or step mum as they are a different kettle of fish... But think I will start telling friends.

[Autumn Sunrise]

Quote:

"The teary moment for me was the next day when I got a lovely email and a Ps asking if people can discover this at 65!! "

Yes, Yebby01, I can assure you they can! I am 69, and only found out about asexuality a few months ago, from my daughter. Many things in my life are now making a lot more sense than they did before. I'm very glad to have found AVEN, and I hope that you will be too,and that you will find lots of support and new friends here :)

[Dragonmum]

Autumn, I love your screen name and avitar. So soothing.

[Yebanth]

Everyone has been so supportive here!!! And its nice to have somewhere, where you can put a thought forward, share your nerves over a situation and also to share the good! I think this is such an important topic for people too, how you feel about telling friends and family, how you feel about not..!! :)

[LookingGlassAlice]

My use of the word "true" was meant to indicate just that - the absolute lack of wanting or needing sex - no gray area, no demi, nothing, just no sex.

So, I may be off-base here but I think someone could be homo-/hetero-/bi- sexual and not want/need sex due to a low sex drive/hormones or other reasons? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that wouldn't mean they are asexual so the definition you give is not really applicable.

[fuzzipueo]

What does the term "coming in" mean? It has a real insular feel about it that's kinda off putting.