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"coming out" as an older asexuals concept


chair jockey

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What does the term "coming in" mean? It has a real insular feel about it that's kinda off putting.

I'm not sure it's a thing, but I took a cue from Yeast's post above - which I take to be about finding a place in a community who share insights, feelings and experiences (hope I'm not putting words in anybody's mouth). Where we can express ourselves without being judged. I don't see what would be insular about that.

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What does the term "coming in" mean? It has a real insular feel about it that's kinda off putting.

I'm not sure it's a thing, but I took a cue from Yeast's post above - which I take to be about finding a place in a community who share insights, feelings and experiences (hope I'm not putting words in anybody's mouth). Where we can express ourselves without being judged. I don't see what would be insular about that.

Fair enough, but then it works for all groups and not just the Asexual community. Isn't that the point of joining LGBTQA+ groups? Or, for that matter, any kind of group which caters to a particular interest or cause? Finding like minded people with whom one can share ideas, experiences, etc., as you say, without being judged?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Coming out is a general term that covers any revealing of sexual/gender differences from heteronormative assumptions. Though coming out sounds like a discrete event it actually is a catch-all phrase that covers the psychological and emotional journey of coming to terms with one's differing from heteronormative behavior - the key point to consider is that it covers accepting oneself and moving from shame, social stigma and oppression to acceptance.

It is a term that is associated with the LGBTQ (alphabet) community but for our purposes in the spectrum of things we are Queer; I am not trying to label any of you but thinking of the world as a whole which is a heteronormative patriarchy anyone who challenges that falls into the not-normal, strange or queer category. The more politically active aces are fighting for asexuality to not be considered a mental disorder like homosexuality used to be and this is a symptom of a larger problem within our society today of alternate sexualities and gender expressions being seen as deviant to one degree or another. You might not feel the need to be 'out' but I think that we can all agree that we like being able to have our community here and that it would be great if the world at large and the medical community in particular didn't consider us in need of therapy or medication to fix what is wrong with us just because we might not be interested in sex.

Frankly, given that we are still at a point when most people don't know that we exist and that a common reaction is disbelief or the assumption that something is medically wrong I think that we should appreciate all of the advocates and support that we can get: being included in the LGBTQ/Queer community umbrella means that we have that many more people who have an understanding of not fitting in, not understanding the typical feelings/urges of others and not wanting to bow to society's expectations or demands.

You might have noticed that I am a big fan of the queer label - queer covers all fluid gender and sexual expressions, so I feel like regardless of where I am on the spectrum it covers me. It is also a nice open-ended term that at least within LGBTQ community is just accepted as covering gender, sexuality or both: in my mind I see it like a 3D plot: x-axis is gender, y-axis is sexuality and z-axis is whatever other independent variable is necessary for you: a/romantic, trans/sexual, kink, polyamory. It is that rejection of the binary model.

Alright, off of my soapbox.

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I do wish we didn't have a need to label ourselves and others. It is a pity that anybody feels the need to "come out (of the closet)" and, by definition, be labelled as someboy who lurks on the margins of society. AVEN has helped me to realise that I am not a freak just because I have no desire for sexual contact with another. It's enough for me to know that there are others with whom I share the same human experience - I don't feel I have to share that information in order to claim some kind of identity for myself.

Having said that, I would love to live in a world where saying that one is asexual is not greeted with disbelief (i.e. If I'm not sexually attracted to men, I must be a lesbian who is in denial). The reaction of others tends to make me avoid talking about my asexuality.....something which is compounded by the fact that I still feel that I'm in a minority of one in my social circle!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't really see the need for me to talk about my sexual orientation. Most members of my family are glad that I am not married with children or don't care. Friends make random comments about finding me a girl occasionally but mostly don't seem to care. I can speak for the future. But, right now, I'm pretty content with being asexual but would like to have some kind of relationship in the future, though not necessarily sexual. In the end, my affairs are my affairs and nobody else's business, thank you very much! ;)

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  • 1 month later...

My use of the word "true" was meant to indicate just that - the absolute lack of wanting or needing sex - no gray area, no demi, nothing, just no sex.

So, I may be off-base here but I think someone could be homo-/hetero-/bi- sexual and not want/need sex due to a low sex drive/hormones or other reasons? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that wouldn't mean they are asexual so the definition you give is not really applicable.

People can identify as asexual for many reasons including medical. It's not up to other people to decide the validity of that identification any more than it is up to other people to decide that someone isn't asexual because they have identified as gay or lesbian or bi in the past or might change how they identify themselves in the future.

.

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