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Aromantics: What made you know you were truly aromantic?


NewfangledArtist

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DarkDragonn

(I probably told this story on other topics, I don't think I posted in this one, apologies if I did)

For me, it happened over a year after I started identifying as asexual. I kept putting off defining my romantic orientation, and kept telling myself that I'll define it as soon as I experience romantic attraction. I was just starting to become more confident in myself and open up to people, so I assumed romance would come as a part of the change I was undergoing.

Time passed, and no one asked me out, and I never fell in love or had a crush. I had some squishes here and there, but nothing romantic. I still thought I was too young to decide, maybe it will come with time (I was 16). I kept telling myself that until I was nearly 18, because I really didn't want to be aro.

And then my two closest friends started dating each other. This happened around the time the rest of my close friends entered relationships of their own, and for some reason I was the go-to person for advice. The more my friends asked me, the more I realized I couldn't relate to their experiences. And when those two friends started going out, I felt them drift away from me, I became that awkward third wheel, and I still was never interested in anyone.

A few months later, they weren't in the 'honeymoon stage' anymore, and more bearable to be around. I now spend time with them a lot again, which is nice. But in those few months, I was very close to two people experiencing this relationship, and sharing many details and dilemmas with me. And my conversations with them made me realize that I'd never had anything close to what they did.

So I decided I'd had enough of waiting. All of my friends had been in at least one relationship, or at least had several crushes. The things they described were alien to me.and I could only assume there was a range of the human emotion I couldn't access. I forced myself to accept I was probably aro, but that made me enter a period of semi-depression. It got better with time, my friends helped me through, and I still struggle with it today, but I hope in a few years I'll be more whole with myself.

So basically, the catalyst to my realization was those two friends dating each other. That was definitely a difficult time for me.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I probably should have known when my longest relationship in high school lasted two weeks, and how I was completely disinterested and uncomfortable with kissing, hand holding, making out, and all the other hallmarks of relationships. But it actually took me a lot longer to piece things together- after 3 years of being single I was in a serious relationship that fell apart because I was apparently frigid and incapable of more than platonic affection. It hurt to hear but was very true. If I hadn't been in that relationship I probably would have gone on thinking I just hadn't found the right person yet (I hate that phrase, but when you hear it over and over you start to believe it...).

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Artistofnoname

When I noticed I felt nothing for anyone and was happy with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...
claustrophile

I don't know if I would say I *truly* know I'm aro, but the following things helped:

* complete lack of envy/jealousy/pining about my friends' relationships. Compared to my friend who wanted to be in a relationship and found it emotionally painful to see other couples happy, watching other couples in love makes me go 'awwwwww'

* Getting into discussions about the difference between a sexual and romantic relationship, or romantic and platonic relationships and realising I don't have a good handle on what romance feels like, despite having been in relationships in the past

* When I was 10 or so I wrote a short story for class that ended with me and my then-best friend living in the same house together as old ladies, still best friends but nothing more. Similarly, I never played at relationships or marriage as a kid and they never occurred to me as something that I might want. I've talked with friends about what kind of wedding I want in the event that I get married but I haven't talked about what kind of partner I want, because I don't seem to have a mental slot for one.

* I can count the number of crushes I've had in my life on one hand, and even then I never fantasised about being in a relationship with them, only about getting positive attention from them. Oh and they all occurred within a period of 3 years or so and I haven't had one since.

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christmasinacup

I haven't figured out my romantic orientation yet. Last week I narrowed it down to gray-romantic and aromantic.

But I'm commenting because I want to thank every single person who has shared their experience/reasoning/stories behind why they identify as aromantic. It's reassured me that the things I've experienced and am feeling aren't as weird as I thought they were. Thank you all so much for sharing, it's really helping me in my quest for figuring out my romantic orientation. You're all fantastic!

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I think my best friend is aromantic, she hasn't identified as one, she only identifies as asexual. She tells me that she isn't interested in relationships, romance, and sex (of course). She likes her independence. She claims that she never had feelings of wanting someone or wanting to be with someone.

I remember in high school she had a crush on a guy she knew in her elementary school but never really acted on it and she had crushes on a few actors here and there. But now at age 27 times has changed and she is completely asexual/aromantic.

I know it isn't all talk or just a phase, I see that in her now and I guess I've always seen it in her but never knew what it was. She has a agenda for herself without including anyone. She knows what she wants right now and she will continue it.

I of course am wishful thinking that maybe one day she wants to explore that side out of curiosity. I would love to be her first choice and/or her last relationship however I doubt it will ever happen. She always sees me as her best friend and nothing more.

We are close friends and she is comfortable being psychically close to me and is emotionally close too she trusts me cause she knows that would never pressure her to be with me. I wouldn't mind if we have a asexual relationship.

I question about this too if any one of you ever changed their sexuality? Some people do like heterosexual to homosexual or sexual to asexual or romantic to aromantic vice a versa.

I am demi-homosexual romantic, I found out I was demi last year. Its very hard to be demi because I only get attracted by people I know emotionally. Sure I have my moments of lust over a beautiful girl but I never act on them I keep it in my thoughts. I am not a very sexual person, I like my personal space and if I approached someone I like I never become touchy feely I just use my words.

Maybe its because I am a virgin or I am scared but I still like my space and privacy.

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weloveclover

This thread may have convinced me that I'm verging on aromantic. Never really thought it through before. Most of my relationships last about 3 months before I seem to somehow cause them to finish and then have a little mini depression about it.

Also loathe long hugs, had a big event on in London and a friend who I won't see for a while gave me a super long hug. Worst moment ever, just hated it I know she was being nice etc. But christ I hated it.

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nerdperson777

I never had a crush. I didn't feel any sudden attraction at the sight of people ever. People are just people. I have no comment about anyone. I don't personally know what cute, hot, good-looking people look like. I just like platonic friendships. I just get jealous when my only friend in the entire gathering is off talking to other people, leaving me there with nothing to do.

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words are futile devices

I used to think I wanted a romantic relationship, but my experiences have never been as wonderful as everyone makes it out to be. Actually, they've all been pretty terrible. I've always been the relationship-ender because being single is just so much more liberating.

There is only one person I think I have ever actually been in love with, who I'm still (and probably always will be) in love with, and yet I feel no romantic desire for him, either. Never did. I just felt that I could have spent the rest of my life with him and have never wanted that with anyone else. Of course, the attraction he felt to me was of a romantic nature, and nothing less could satisfy him, so there's that.

It's just taken quite a bit of trial and error to reach the conclusion that I'm aromantic. I've accepted it and embrace it.

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NewfangledArtist

Checked back for the first time in a long while - I love seeing that this thread is still going. I really wasn't expecting that...and there's so many stories here I can really relate to. A lot of romantic and sexual people (not all, some are supportive but an awful lot weren't) used to treat me like such an oddball just for feeling the same way as you guys. Reading this thread with the new and old posts still makes me happy. And I like seeing how it's making a lot of you want to share your stories and that it's also making some of you feel happy when you read through everyone else's stories, too. AVEN, you're an awesome place!

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NewfangledArtist

I used to think I wanted a romantic relationship, but my experiences have never been as wonderful as everyone makes it out to be. Actually, they've all been pretty terrible. I've always been the relationship-ender because being single is just so much more liberating.

There is only one person I think I have ever actually been in love with, who I'm still (and probably always will be) in love with, and yet I feel no romantic desire for him, either. Never did. I just felt that I could have spent the rest of my life with him and have never wanted that with anyone else. Of course, the attraction he felt to me was of a romantic nature, and nothing less could satisfy him, so there's that.

It's just taken quite a bit of trial and error to reach the conclusion that I'm aromantic. I've accepted it and embrace it.

And ditto, ditto on a lot of these posts. But this 100% sounds like I could've said it. A squish on my best friend confused me for years until this year. Realised I couldn't give him romance and we'd be better off loving each other as friends. I'm happy and at peace with that now :)

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When I realised that I'd been constantly lying about having romantic feelings towards certain people to make myself feel normal, and I'd sort of... work around the whole ace thing by saying I was just too awkward and physically unappealing to girls (and men, too). Reading about similarly aromantic people sort of solidified my position on the matter, as if to say 'Yeah, that's how I feel!'

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I'm pretty sure I'm aro because most of the stuff people mean when they're talking about romance kind of make me cringe a little inside. I mean I'm not against physical contact or anything like that. In fact, I'm actually a very tactile person with people that I absolutely trust and that I know won't be offended with me being tactile. People always think one of my best friends and I are together because we're both super tactile around each other. But when someone likes me (or even if I have a squish with them) I panic and end up avoiding them until someone slaps some sense back into me. Like the idea of kissing and stuff just makes me really uncomfortable. When people ask me what my dream wedding is, my first thought is "why do i need a dream wedding?" and I end up being like "nope. not my thing." When people started having relationships that went past two people that were just really really good friends and I found out that they were actually doing things from kissing to actually having sex, I panicked and didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. I mean, I still think something like a queer platonic relationship would be awesome but anything more than that seems alien to me.

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For me it was kind of a long process. First I kind of assumed I was heterosexual, because I wasn't attracted to women (and I preferred male friends over female friends, so may have been confusing some lines there). When I found AVEN, I figured I'd probably be heteroromantic, because I'd had some relationships (with guys) before this, even though they'd always ended awkward, with me breaking up because I couldn't deal with the fact that they were way more into me that I was ever into them, and I thought it wasn't fair of me to be so, so that it would be better for them if I broke it off.

At one point I started asking myself: if you've had a number of unsuccesful relationships, you should be able to find out what it is you don't want in a relationship, and also what you do want. So I went and sat myself down and thought. After about a week I realised I could never really think about a romantic relationship involving me, it just didn't make any sense to me. I did want to build strong and good friendships, it's not like I want to be alone, I just don't get how to be together romantically. So that's where I stand. I figure I'm aromantic because I just want to have friendships.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't desire the romantic banter I see and I also don't feel that I am missing something. Friends and Community are sufficient and preferred.

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I see no single logical reason how can someone feel anything romantic upon another person or whatever else. Why? What's the reason for doing so? If you like something that other person has, that you lack, you should try to emulate this trait in yourself. What's the reason to like something that you don't actually possess? Well, in other words, if I like someone, I'll try to isolate whatever I like in that person and try copy that trait into myself.

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Most of my relationships last about 3 months before I seem to somehow cause them to finish and then have a little mini depression about it.

If you change three months to one month then this is basically what happens to me.

I started to think about my relationships pretty seriously a few months ago and I realized that I didn't really feel romantic toward them and when I pictured my future I was alone (romantically I mean).

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My two cents on the matter would be that, like sexual orientation, romantic orientation is fluid and evolving so if you're not really sure, that's completely fine. I personally tend to waiver around between being lithromantic, plain ol' aromantic, and completely romance repulsed aromantic.

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When I realised that I'd been constantly lying about having romantic feelings towards certain people to make myself feel normal, and I'd sort of... work around the whole ace thing by saying I was just too awkward and physically unappealing to girls (and men, too). Reading about similarly aromantic people sort of solidified my position on the matter, as if to say 'Yeah, that's how I feel!'

My experience was similar! I spent a lot of time convincing myself I felt romantic (and at the beginning sexual) feelings for people who I dated, who were all former close friends. All of these ended slowly and inevitably, with unsatisfied partners but no real heartbreak on my part. I realized I wasn't really able to separate strong friendship from romance retrospectively, which was really confusing, and on some level I still can't! But once I found that people weren't just ace, but also aro, and read about those people's experiences and feelings, it clicked.

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Well, I didn't really know until I'd heard the term and thought about it for a while, but the thing that made me realize I wasn't like most others was dating a guy back in high school. When I'd started dating him I felt like something was off, but I just figured it was my first time dating anyone so things might be a little weird. It wasn't until his sister actually told me some girl had been pretty aggressively hitting on him and he ended up getting really irritated with her, telling her to knock it off and that he was already dating someone, that I realized I didn't actually care all that much if he was interested in her. I mean I would have been upset if he had actually gone for it just because cheating is a pretty terrible thing to do, but the actual idea of him being with someone else didn't bother me at all and I realized what I felt for him was just a strong friendship. Plus, even though I felt kind of bad about it, it's was still flattering to know he liked me.

That wasn't enough for me to know I was asexual. At the time I just thought that maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I'd wait until after graduating before I thought about them. But even after graduating that feeling didn't change, and then I learned about aromanticism and after doing a bit of research I realized I related to that.

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What if deep, deep, deep, deep, deeeeeep down you want to be with someone but just know that it won't work and it is not for you? How does that work if I am possibly aromantic?

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What if deep, deep, deep, deep, deeeeeep down you want to be with someone but just know that it won't work and it is not for you? How does that work if I am possibly aromantic?

Is there a specific reason that it wouldn't work or are you just spending too much time in your own head and overthinking it?

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  • 2 weeks later...

The idea of romantic attraction towards someone has been all Greek to me for my whole life. I could never understand how people could engage into activities such as dating just like that. I couldn't comprehend how one can love and deeply care about a person they haven't even got to know very well and with whom they haven't even formed a strong and significant bond - more exactly, why would you, for example, love someone who's popped up into your life out of the blues at a certain point more than a very good friend, whom you've known for many years and who's done so much for you, when you haven't even developed such bond with the person in question? Why is is that all of a sudden, with no particular reason the so-called spark/flame burns out and you don't love and care about your partner anymore? Why should there be any spark/flame at all - why can't you love your life partner within reasonable limits, too? Last but not least, things like "love at first sight", "soulmates", "you're my everything", "my life would be miserable without you", are unrealistic, delusive and awkward to me. Furthermore, I don't see the point of terms of endearment and besides, physical affection gestures out of the blues make me confused. Those are supposed to be for important moments. Why would I tell my partner "I love you" for countless times? Isn't once enough? All these questions run through my head now and then. I've never understood all these things, and I reckon I never will. To me, before I came across the concepts of asexual and aromantic respectively (back then I thought I was a heterosexual woman who develops belatedly), this is how I conjured up a picture of a (possible) relationship of mine: forming a strong emotional connection with a guy I'm aesthetically attracted to and whose personality I like, the connection involving our understanding, accepting, respecting, trusting and feeling at ease around each other (nothing different from a friendship so far) AND our being sexually attracted to each other once the bond in question has been formed. Nothing serious would come out of it all (no living together, let alone getting married and having kids). More specifically, we would hang out in town now and then, talk, travel, and, to us, sex would be just a way of having fun. That's all to it. Yes, I know, I'm strange :p . So that's what makes me aromantic. I don't know how to explain it differently, nor can I help people understand why I am this way. It's innate.

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The idea of romantic attraction towards someone has been all Greek to me for my whole life. I could never understand how people could engage into activities such as dating just like that. I couldn't comprehend how one can love and deeply care about a person they haven't even got to know very well and with whom they haven't even formed a strong and significant bond - more exactly, why would you, for example, love someone who's popped up into your life out of the blues at a certain point more than a very good friend, whom you've known for many years and who's done so much for you, when you haven't even developed such bond with the person in question? Why is is that all of a sudden, with no particular reason the so-called spark/flame burns out and you don't love and care about your partner anymore? Why should there be any spark/flame at all - why can't you love your life partner within reasonable limits, too? Last but not least, things like "love at first sight", "soulmates", "you're my everything", "my life would be miserable without you", are unrealistic, delusive and awkward to me. Furthermore, I don't see the point of terms of endearment and besides, physical affection gestures out of the blues make me confused. Those are supposed to be for important moments. Why would I tell my partner "I love you" for countless times? Isn't once enough? All these questions run through my head now and then. I've never understood all these things, and I reckon I never will. To me, before I came across the concepts of asexual and aromantic respectively (back then I thought I was a heterosexual woman who develops belatedly), this is how I conjured up a picture of a (possible) relationship of mine: forming a strong emotional connection with a guy I'm aesthetically attracted to and whose personality I like, the connection involving our understanding, accepting, respecting, trusting and feeling at ease around each other (nothing different from a friendship so far) AND our being sexually attracted to each other once the bond in question has been formed. Nothing serious would come out of it all (no living together, let alone getting married and having kids). More specifically, we would hang out in town now and then, talk, travel, and, to us, sex would be just a way of having fun. That's all to it. Yes, I know, I'm strange :P . So that's what makes me aromantic. I don't know how to explain it differently, nor can I help people understand why I am this way. It's innate.

I totally understand, reflects a lot of my sentiments exactly :)

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The idea of romantic attraction towards someone has been all Greek to me for my whole life. I could never understand how people could engage into activities such as dating just like that. I couldn't comprehend how one can love and deeply care about a person they haven't even got to know very well and with whom they haven't even formed a strong and significant bond - more exactly, why would you, for example, love someone who's popped up into your life out of the blues at a certain point more than a very good friend, whom you've known for many years and who's done so much for you, when you haven't even developed such bond with the person in question? Why is is that all of a sudden, with no particular reason the so-called spark/flame burns out and you don't love and care about your partner anymore? Why should there be any spark/flame at all - why can't you love your life partner within reasonable limits, too? Last but not least, things like "love at first sight", "soulmates", "you're my everything", "my life would be miserable without you", are unrealistic, delusive and awkward to me. Furthermore, I don't see the point of terms of endearment and besides, physical affection gestures out of the blues make me confused. Those are supposed to be for important moments. Why would I tell my partner "I love you" for countless times? Isn't once enough? All these questions run through my head now and then. I've never understood all these things, and I reckon I never will. To me, before I came across the concepts of asexual and aromantic respectively (back then I thought I was a heterosexual woman who develops belatedly), this is how I conjured up a picture of a (possible) relationship of mine: forming a strong emotional connection with a guy I'm aesthetically attracted to and whose personality I like, the connection involving our understanding, accepting, respecting, trusting and feeling at ease around each other (nothing different from a friendship so far) AND our being sexually attracted to each other once the bond in question has been formed. Nothing serious would come out of it all (no living together, let alone getting married and having kids). More specifically, we would hang out in town now and then, talk, travel, and, to us, sex would be just a way of having fun. That's all to it. Yes, I know, I'm strange :P . So that's what makes me aromantic. I don't know how to explain it differently, nor can I help people understand why I am this way. It's innate.

I totally understand, reflects a lot of my sentiments exactly :)

Wow, I didn't expect to find someone whose mentality in this respect is identical to mine! xD

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The idea of romantic attraction towards someone has been all Greek to me for my whole life. I could never understand how people could engage into activities such as dating just like that. I couldn't comprehend how one can love and deeply care about a person they haven't even got to know very well and with whom they haven't even formed a strong and significant bond - more exactly, why would you, for example, love someone who's popped up into your life out of the blues at a certain point more than a very good friend, whom you've known for many years and who's done so much for you, when you haven't even developed such bond with the person in question? Why is is that all of a sudden, with no particular reason the so-called spark/flame burns out and you don't love and care about your partner anymore? Why should there be any spark/flame at all - why can't you love your life partner within reasonable limits, too? Last but not least, things like "love at first sight", "soulmates", "you're my everything", "my life would be miserable without you", are unrealistic, delusive and awkward to me. Furthermore, I don't see the point of terms of endearment and besides, physical affection gestures out of the blues make me confused. Those are supposed to be for important moments. Why would I tell my partner "I love you" for countless times? Isn't once enough? All these questions run through my head now and then. I've never understood all these things, and I reckon I never will. To me, before I came across the concepts of asexual and aromantic respectively (back then I thought I was a heterosexual woman who develops belatedly), this is how I conjured up a picture of a (possible) relationship of mine: forming a strong emotional connection with a guy I'm aesthetically attracted to and whose personality I like, the connection involving our understanding, accepting, respecting, trusting and feeling at ease around each other (nothing different from a friendship so far) AND our being sexually attracted to each other once the bond in question has been formed. Nothing serious would come out of it all (no living together, let alone getting married and having kids). More specifically, we would hang out in town now and then, talk, travel, and, to us, sex would be just a way of having fun. That's all to it. Yes, I know, I'm strange :P . So that's what makes me aromantic. I don't know how to explain it differently, nor can I help people understand why I am this way. It's innate.

I totally understand, reflects a lot of my sentiments exactly :)

Wow, I didn't expect to find someone whose mentality in this respect is identical to mine! xD

I didn't expect anyone to read all that.

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The idea of romantic attraction towards someone has been all Greek to me for my whole life. I could never understand how people could engage into activities such as dating just like that. I couldn't comprehend how one can love and deeply care about a person they haven't even got to know very well and with whom they haven't even formed a strong and significant bond - more exactly, why would you, for example, love someone who's popped up into your life out of the blues at a certain point more than a very good friend, whom you've known for many years and who's done so much for you, when you haven't even developed such bond with the person in question? Why is is that all of a sudden, with no particular reason the so-called spark/flame burns out and you don't love and care about your partner anymore? Why should there be any spark/flame at all - why can't you love your life partner within reasonable limits, too? Last but not least, things like "love at first sight", "soulmates", "you're my everything", "my life would be miserable without you", are unrealistic, delusive and awkward to me. Furthermore, I don't see the point of terms of endearment and besides, physical affection gestures out of the blues make me confused. Those are supposed to be for important moments. Why would I tell my partner "I love you" for countless times? Isn't once enough? All these questions run through my head now and then. I've never understood all these things, and I reckon I never will. To me, before I came across the concepts of asexual and aromantic respectively (back then I thought I was a heterosexual woman who develops belatedly), this is how I conjured up a picture of a (possible) relationship of mine: forming a strong emotional connection with a guy I'm aesthetically attracted to and whose personality I like, the connection involving our understanding, accepting, respecting, trusting and feeling at ease around each other (nothing different from a friendship so far) AND our being sexually attracted to each other once the bond in question has been formed. Nothing serious would come out of it all (no living together, let alone getting married and having kids). More specifically, we would hang out in town now and then, talk, travel, and, to us, sex would be just a way of having fun. That's all to it. Yes, I know, I'm strange :P . So that's what makes me aromantic. I don't know how to explain it differently, nor can I help people understand why I am this way. It's innate.

I totally understand, reflects a lot of my sentiments exactly :)

Wow, I didn't expect to find someone whose mentality in this respect is identical to mine! xD

I didn't expect anyone to read all that.

What, my long post or what? xD

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