Aromantics: What made you know you were truly aromantic?

[writer24]

For me I realized I was asexual and aromantic at the same time. I was in a relationship with a guy. We'd been together for about five months and he was absolutely head over heels for me. He loved spending time with me, talking to me, doing couply things. I felt like I had a little puppy following me around all the time. I on the other hand didn't feel any of those things for him. Before we started dating and were still friends I loved talking to him all day and telling him things, but as soon as we decided to start dating and things became romantic I was really uncomfortable. I got mad at him if texted me to much. I freaked out when he told me he wanted to write me poetry. I just was not comfortable in the relationship. I saw other couples all around me where the girls were not acting like me. I didn't understand why I couldn't like him the way he liked me. I liked being his friend, and I liked hanging out to him, but I didn't want any of the romantic stuff. That's when I realized I was asexual. I love friendship. I even love really close friendships or the idea of a queerplatonic relationship, but I don't like romance. I don't understand it, I don't desire it, I don't want it, and it makes me uncomfortable when people try to be romantic with me. So basically being in a relationship is what helped me realize I was aromantic. Seeing the juxtaposition of the way I behaved in a relationship to the way my boyfriend did really opened up my eyes. I like to watch other people be romantic (to an extant) and I love cuddling with people, but only strictly platonically.

[cassidy crim]

of course we're talking about asexuals here, I don't want the hole romantic thing

Holding Hands: No

Cuddling: No

Kissing: No

Platonic friend ships: YES

everything else I personaly find uncomfortable or gross or just something I REALLY dont want

[Synchrèse]

I''ve just begun my journey with all that asexual stuff, but as an introvert I have a quite deep insight into myself and the more I analyze my life so far, the more I realize that I could identify myself as aromantic person. I have never really experienced romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone. The only time I had a crush, at the age of 14, I felt really bad and I didn't like this feeling. I remember that I couldn't even imagine talking, or holding hands, simply interacting with this person, it has never occurred to my mind to make any contact with him. I just had this butterflies in my stomach and that was it, nothing more. And then he left school and it was gone.

Personally, I'm still not really convinced about all that asexual aromantic label which, according to what I know about myself and how I interpret all these facts, fits me perfectly...I think I just need time to accept it, to accept that it probably won't change, it won't be different, there won't be any miracles, that this is normal for me and that it is fine to be this way (since I can't really change it, why even bothering myself?).

[Scifiknitwit]

Well I'm new to the asexual label, I've known for years that I wasn't a romantic person. Dating gives me anxiety, not butterflies. I dread each date and hate the while idea of it. I've pushed myself to date, hoping feeling would develop if I just spent enough time with people. It never works out. Frankly, I usually just want my dates to leave me alone. I never understood when they wold call me just to talk or say they missed me. I would have to talk myself into second and third dates because i just didn't want to go. I realized there was something different about me in high school, but kept trying to be "normal." Finding the aromantic label, along with the asexual label, really helped clarify things for me. Now I know why I don't want those things and why I hate dating so much.

[deltaX]

I first started to question my romantic orientation in high school. Up until then I had gotten "crushes", but never really acted on them. My junior year though, I got a what I thought was a crush on this guy who was in a lot of my classes. By senior year we started to assimilate into the same friend group and become super close plantonic friends through a mutual acquaintance of ours, and once that happened any hint of a "crush" completely disappeared. This confused me, so I thought back and realized I never actually wanted to date/do anything romantic with this guy (or any guy I had a "crush" on), I just wanted to get to know them better and I misinterpreted it as a crush because of my non-experience with guys.

What really decided it for me was earlier this year though. I got into a romantic relationship with a guy I thought I liked, but once the relationship started, the romance behind it kind of repulsed me and made me extremely uncomfortable. I tried to picture what I thought would be the perfect romantic relationship, and the result was something that was almost identical to a best friends relationship- not even a hint of romance. I had romantic feelings, and I started to get the impression that it was a thing that would always be true, not just with this particular guy. I didn't have a word for it yet, but at that point I was reasonable sure that I was aromantic. From there it was just a matter of find the right term and accepting that I don't fit into society's idea of "normal" like I originally thought.

I guess I can't be completely sure about it, but right now aromantic is the label that seems to fit me best. It sounds like you could be aromantic too, but obviously I can't decide your orientation- I.m not inside your head so only you can do that. Try researching it more and listening to others' stories about how they discovered their romantic orientation if you're interested, I know that has helped me a lot.

Good luck, no matter what you eventually decide to identify as! :)

[Remja1854]

I don't know yet whether I am aromantic, but here's what makes me consider it:

I think I never fell in love. The problem is: How do you know you fell in love? What is this feeling? How does it feel like?

My solution: If anything I ever felt was love, then I don't understand why everyone makes such a fuss about it!

(I know there's a difference between loving someone and falling in love. As far as I know, I've experienced neither.)

And I always hated the fact that 99% of all songs are about love. I mean, there are so many other subjects to sing about!

Being 24 I think it's also time to give up the hope (yes, I had hoped for that) that I just haven't met the right person yet. I mean, it's not like there is just one person, is it? And surely I should have met someone I'm interested in that way? Then again, I might be totally wrong about that

[Non-Verbal Sam]

i have never had romantic attraction to anyone, only close friendship and queerplatonic

[That asexual guy]

I honestly don't like dating anyone and never want to be more than close friends with anyone

[Swimfreak660]

I realized I was aromantic when I was dating my last boyfriend and I found I loved our relationship before we were dating and at the beginning of the relationship where we would just watch movies together or play games in his pool. Once he wanted to do things that were considered romantic I was completely turned off and just wanted to go back to the fun things we had done before. I would avoid facebook so that he wouldn't message me because it was all the time. While friends of mine loved talking to their significant other all the time I couldn't stand it. Which was why I eventually decided I was aromantic. Though I could be WTFromantic, I'm not sure. Mostly because I'm so open to the idea of a queerplatonic relationship.

[DoubIeOhDevin]

I'm also questioning my potentially being aromantic, to be honest. I mean, I get small crushes (based on what aspect of the person I'm not even sure), but every time I act out on them, everything fades within a week, so I've grown to ignore them because they often lead nowhere but frustration for both myself and the other person. And honestly, my crushes usually lead to intense (and romantic/sexual tension-free) friendships, so I'm wondering if I just funnel my romantic feelings into platonic outlets? That sounds right, but I don't know if anyone else here feels the same?

[Aceade]

During an English lesson in secondary school, we had a starting assignment to A Midsummer's Night Dream which involved describing what love meant to us. I just wrote "No idea", so I pretty much knew I had no interest in romance even...10 years ago? Fortunately, none of them were read in class.

Of course, if I had that assignment now, I'd probably call it "A neurological state which compels meatbags to spend a puzzlingly large amount of time with other meatbags, and to buy each other allergen vectors, edible bricks wrapped in a crude-oil derivative and/or falsified ursine substitutes".

[All.Is.ONE.Is.All]

I spent a good 20 years of my life not understanding my own feelings (or lack thereof). I remember distinctly confiding in a good friend of mine that I "couldn't feel anything". Of course I was probably referring to my lack of romantic/sexual attraction, but at the time I simply thought I felt nothing. My friend of course rebuked me and asked if I felt happy to see family, excited to go to a theme park, etc. I accepted his explanation and dismissed my "not feeling". Years went by and through high school I became known to my friends as "the tank" and "Spock". The first was in reference to my apparent immovable ideals, feelings, emotional stability etc. The other was in reference to my "not feeling". Still, I didn't think much of it. I loved that my friends understood me as a person even if I didn't fully understand it myself. I only tried "dating" twice, and I laugh to even call it dating. The first time was with a good friend and when he "asked me out" I replied with: sure, lets give it a try. So romantic. We spent a week being "couply" and I spent that week avoiding him like the plague. I thought at the time I didn't like him that way (not that I just don't like that stuff in general) and I ended up "breaking up" with him. The second time I started dating my very very good friend and just like the last time it only took a week to realize it wasn't working. The really funny part was that we both came to the conclusion while hanging out on the cough in my basement. We both just looked at each other and said: we were way closer when we were friends, decided to "break up", and continued watching animal planet. (Love that kid). Anyway, I didn't really come to the realization until I met my good friend John 2 years after leaving high school. I met him on a trip to Jamaica and we immediately hit it off. I loved talking to him, we were constantly in contact, we hung out every week, it was amazing. Even though this had been the closest friendship I'd ever had romantic feelings still never crossed my mind. However, in my naive state I thought nothing of it. I just accepted that we would be the best of friends. Unfortunately I started realizing that these hang outs were turning into "dates" and that the friendly horsing around was turning into hand holding and cuddling. The moment I realized this I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Every time someone developed romantic feelings towards me I ended up turning them down and our friendship was never the same again. I did not want this to happen to John and I. I called to all my friends asking what it felt like to be attracted to someone, what it was like to have a crush, if my feelings towards John were romantic. (The fact that I had to ask this should have been a red flag.) I realized that I didn't feel the same way and I was devastated. I thought to myself: if there was one person I could have romantically loved it would have been John. But unfortunately it was not meant to be. My brother was actually the one to discover aromanticism and he's the one who made me realize that I fit it perfectly. When I told John my revelation it was right before he was going to confess his feelings for me. I've never felt so awful. I never meant to lead him on. I didn't know. After this I did a whole bunch of research into it and came to the conclusion that I am in fact Aromantic Asexual. The signs were always there I just never interpreted them correctly.

So I suppose the moral to this story is listen to your gut. Don't let what you think society wants you to feel confuse you as to what you actually feel. Don't force yourself into a relationship just because you feel like you have to and don't feel like you have to pretend either. Besides, even if you're not sure 100% you can still identify as asexual or aromantic if you feel that way now. If things change in the future so be it, that doesn't change how you feel in the present.

Hope this helps. (Because it really helped me to actually write it down.)

[sindi]

I don't even know for sure if I'm truly aromantic - all I know is that I don't want an actual romantic relationship. I've had some vague feelings for people though, and can't tell if they were a crush or a squish...

[Oneness]

With most of my dates I have felt only friendship....If there have been kisses and holding hands or anything more than that, it havent been that I have felt the need or exitenment to do so, but I have rather responded to other person's moves. My least faforite movie genre have always been romance. Still I know what is love. Its not that Im incapable of love.....its nothing to do with that.

Sometimes I think, that maybe I have walked past by my happiness without give it a chance because I have met nice guys and who have been all about / into "us" but then again I dont think hapiness is a person and even the word "us" makes me feel lightly uncomfortable.

Some guy once told me in our second date "who knows if next year in this same day we have a child together", ( We did not slept together and I was not even thinking to do so) I just smiled, did not say anything but was thinking "oh no, wrong move from him.... time to go".

I have dated people and tried to keep my mind open for any possibility but mainly it have happened that when I have saw myself becoming involved to any so called relationship, I have started to feel claustrophobic and just wanted to break free. Im happy to be whole and happy in my own being and life is beautiful anyways. I dont need romance to feel that Im alive. If some kind of "romantic" relationship will one day happen, then fine but mean while I only relate with others as a friend. In school I was actually called everyones friend :)

+

[FiddleKid]

I've known i'm aromantic for a long time now, never been interested in romance (i'm romance repulsed) and never had sexual attraction and not interested whatsover in sex. I'm happier on my own or only with a few people around me and I don't want any kind of physical contact from others and am fine and have always been fine that way. And it's not that I haven't found the right person yet i'm just not interested in people anyways apart from occasional platonic friendship and family members.

[itsalwayspizza]

Two main times for me:

The first was when I was talking to someone who had just started dating a guy, and was still in the far-too-happy-gooey stage. As a joke I said 'gee, can't wait for your honeymoon period to end', just assuming she'd laugh because it happens to every couple, right?

No, apparently romantics don't like acknowledging that eventually their relationship will have less romance... Just expected that she'd accepted this

Second time was the moment I knew, and was when I realised... 'so I haven't had a crush for three years, and don't really want to be in a relationship... friendships are enough for me'.

I mean because I've had feelings for someone before I don't think I'm completely aro, but they were pretty tame and I was young, so I don't feel entirely comfortable identifying as romantic either

[LadyL]

Reading this thread has created doubt within me! I hope you don't mind if I post the questions that have arisen for me.

-How romantic does one have to be to be considered romantic enough to be "romantic" vs. aromantic? [in past relationships I've been complained to about how "cold" or "unaffectionate" I am even though I never noticed a problem and was interested in them romantically]

-There were mentions in this thread about squishes being mistaken for crushes or romantic desire. Are there levels/degrees to squishes now???

-Can one be aromantic if one desires romantic relationships but evidence points to the person not being very romantic towards partners and/or being adverse to partners being romantic towards them?

-What if someone wants to do things with a "significant other" that are viewed as romantic by society but the person doesn't view them that way? [e.g., going for a picnic on a warm day isn't something I'd view as romantic per se but something I'd want a special person in my life to do with me and I wouldn't ask anyone else to go with me]

-I've been in relationships that failed and we went back to being friends and things were SO much better. In one case, things were so great that we tried a relationship again (that failed again). Does wanting someone to be exclusive with you but not necessarily your boy/girl-friend sound aromantic?

-What on Earth would that mean for a demisexual trying to have a monogamous romantic relationship???

I'm slightly scared...

[Remja1854]

I'd like to quote LadyL, but it doesn't work

So, I'm far from being an expert, but I'll try to answer your questions as far as I'm able to.

1. Being (a)romantic isn't sth. you can measure objectively with a test. It's how people decide to classify themselves. Therefore it's highly subjective. If you decide to label yourself as one or the other, that's fine. As I've read somewhere on this site, no one but yourself can put a label on you.

2. Being called "cold" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being (a)romantic. It means that you and that other person have different opinions about how to treat other people or about what "having a relationship" means. Society then usually calls at most one of you "normal", but that's just because most people are that way. It's not how people are supposed to be. Anyway, it's a character thing and has nothing to do with romantic orientation (in my opinion).

3. Squishes and crushes are sometimes hard to tell apart and I suppose there could be sth. in between. Again, this is very subjective and the definition isn't as clear cut one could wish. Humans are complicated... <_<

4. If you want some kind of romantic relationship (whatever that means for you), then you'll probably call yourself romantic (as opposed to aromantic). It's up to you and your partner to decide how your relationship is like (what stuff you do) and how you want to call it. Of course, that means you've got to find someone who you can compromise with.

5. I have heard that men usually aren't into the whole "Let's have a romantic evening" thing, that doesn't make them aromantic. And since gender roles are mostly (if not all) only cliché, it means women can be that way, too. ;)

OK, that seems to be all I can say for the moment. I hope it helped a bit...

Feel free to ask me here or via PM if I didn't make myself clear or if you have more questions. As I said, I'm not expert on this field, but I think a lot about this kind of stuff myself and two heads are usually better than one :)

[Cereal Tendencies]

Never had a crush (currently 20 years old)

Never understood relationships -> looking at couples and thinking "how are they not sick of each other?" "Oh, right, they're probably having sex"

Seeing relationships as too much social effort (I blame my introversion on this one though)

Feeling like you lost a friend the moment she tells you she has a boyfriend/fiance/husband/2 kids (and I'm just sitting here, single and happy while my mom-who's grandchild hungry-stares holes into my back)

Seeing "love" as some sort of overrated genre that sells into book, movie and Hallmark holiday franchises

Seeing "love" as some sort of disease -> Delirium Amora Nervosa (it's the scientific name I decided to give it, it's not real, no point in looking it up)

[Wokgran X]

Never had a crush (currently 20 years old)

Never understood relationships -> looking at couples and thinking "how are they not sick of each other?" "Oh, right, they're probably having sex"

Seeing relationships as too much social effort (I blame my introversion on this one though)

Feeling like you lost a friend the moment she tells you she has a boyfriend/fiance/husband/2 kids (and I'm just sitting here, single and happy while my mom-who's grandchild hungry-stares holes into my back)

Seeing "love" as some sort of overrated genre that sells into book, movie and Hallmark holiday franchises

Seeing "love" as some sort of disease -> Delirium Amora Nervosa (it's the scientific name I decided to give it, it's not real, no point in looking it up)

Seeing "(romantic) love" as some sort of crazy poison/drug that people take for no apparent reason. xDD

Asking yourself "why would people bother with such thing" when meeting a friend that is dating and his girl keeps calling his phone every hour or so.

Making all sort of nice things, like learning to cook and making cakes or sweets just so you can eat all of it yourself

Being overly happy when you find some nice song that is romance/love/sex free. Bonus points if you identify with the lyrics.

Always avoiding being used in teachers examples, because they will try to pair you up with someone else or use your name in some strange example.

Though most of those should count as aro moments/problems/things. xD

[Satin]

I generally agree with what Remja wrote but I still wanted to add what I think about a couple things you asked.

-How romantic does one have to be to be considered romantic enough to be "romantic" vs. aromantic? [in past relationships I've been complained to about how "cold" or "unaffectionate" I am even though I never noticed a problem and was interested in them romantically]

Being “cold” and “unaffectionate” really has nothing to do with being romantic or aromantic, just like Remja said. If you are capable of experiencing romantic feeling you’re romantic otherwise not, that’s it really. Being told you’re cold has to do with social expectations others have towards you but that you haven’t met. Others can also call you cold outside of a romantic relationship (i.e. friends or family members).

There were mentions in this thread about squishes being mistaken for crushes or romantic desire. Are there levels/degrees to squishes now???

I've heard from a person identifying as demiromantic that it makes sense to her to distinguish between different "levels" of a squish if you want to call it that way (she also doesn't crush on people unless she has a strong squish on them beforehand). Personally, I like to think of both romantic and platonic feelings as spectrums, so it makes sense to me that squishes and crushes can be different in intensity, duration, etc. (is that what you wanted to know?). Also, I think one reason why it can be so hard to distinguish between squish and crush sometimes is that society doesn't really tell us much about "friendship crushes", that is, strong platonic feelings that aren't of romantic nature. And of course, it's entirely possible to experience both romantic and platonic feelings simultaneously and therefore things that are somewhere between squish and crush.

Can one be aromantic if one desires romantic relationships but evidence points to the person not being very romantic towards partners and/or being adverse to partners being romantic towards them?

To me it’s simply a logical consequence of not being able to experience romantic feelings that many aros makes not desire one. But just because you can’t experience something doesn’t mean you wouldn’t maybe want it anyway for a couple other reasons. That’s why I operate under the assumption that wanting a romantic relationship is a strong hint one is romantic – but nothing more. Plus, nothing is inherently romantic. What mainstream society defines as romantic gestures can differ very strongly from what somebody actually considers romantic.

[LadyL]

Remja1854 and Satin- Thanks for helping me understand aromantic a little better!

[deltaX]

Seeing "love" as some sort of overrated genre that sells into book, movie and Hallmark holiday franchises

Seeing "love" as some sort of disease -> Delirium Amora Nervosa (it's the scientific name I decided to give it, it's not real, no point in looking it up)

I don't know if you intended this, but there is actually a book- "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver- about a dystopian society where love is seen as a disease and given the medical name amor deliria nervosa. People in this society have to be "cured" from love when they turn 18, and of course, the protagonist falls in love right before her birthday.

I read it a long time ago (before I realized I was aromantic), but I distinctly remember being a bit bored by the romance between the main characters, and being more heartbroken over the fact that everyone over 18 lost the ability to love their friends and family. I think the subplot about the protagonist's mother not being allowed to love her was what compelled me to finish the series.

[abacct]

I always knew I was aromantic. Even when I was five years old I tried forcing myself to have a crush to fit in, but I totally hated it. For some reason I tried doing it a few more times in elementary school, but when the first boy finally asked me on a date I was so uncomfortable that I didn't actually answer him for a week (and I had a few classes with him, so it's not like he was easily avoided). I never once thought, "Wow, I wish I could date that boy!" It was always more like, "All these kids are dating and I don't want to."

[Diforto]

The never wanted nor tried to date nor feeling romantic attraction helped me in knowing it.

And also when my mother told me that Quand on a que l'amour by Brel (in french) was a romantic song and I really didn't see why it would be.

[helana12_03]

I never really wanted to be in a romantic relationship, relationships require way too much commitment, time and effort and I get annoyed and miss being single real quick. I enjoy close friendships so much more... The 2 crushes had in my life lasted about a month each, and I never actually wanted to date them.

Dating also feels very unnatural to me. Even back when I had a boyfriend I found it difficult to accept the fact that I was dating, because the whole thing felt so unnatural. Throughout the relationship I was accused of acting like a very close friend and not like a girlfriend. I was extremely confused because I wanted to be alone again (not dating), but I also didn't want to go through the whole breakup thing and all the related emotional pain. After we broke up I realized that even if things had gone well I would not have enjoyed the whole relationship thing, because relationships and marriage are really not my thing.

[Cereal Tendencies]

Seeing "love" as some sort of overrated genre that sells into book, movie and Hallmark holiday franchises

Seeing "love" as some sort of disease -> Delirium Amora Nervosa (it's the scientific name I decided to give it, it's not real, no point in looking it up)

I don't know if you intended this, but there is actually a book- "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver- about a dystopian society where love is seen as a disease and given the medical name amor deliria nervosa. People in this society have to be "cured" from love when they turn 18, and of course, the protagonist falls in love right before her birthday.

I read it a long time ago (before I realized I was aromantic), but I distinctly remember being a bit bored by the romance between the main characters, and being more heartbroken over the fact that everyone over 18 lost the ability to love their friends and family. I think the subplot about the protagonist's mother not being allowed to love her was what compelled me to finish the series.

I did not know that! Nice! I don't usually go for YA novels but I'll look into it :)

[Aworld]

I still have no idea whether I'm aromantic or not (probably not fully, but somewhere on the spectrum). I've never dated and I'm not bothered about having a romantic relationship with anyone. I mean, I used to think I was heteroromantic but one time I just thought about it properly and realized that I don't want romantic love right now. It also confused me a lot when all my friends always had a crush on people or certain celebrities and they didn't believe me when I said that I honestly didn't. I guess that's when I realized I'm at least somewhat aromantic.

[Random Happenstance]

There was one main moment for me, and it was around the time I discovered asexuality along with information about gender and romantic orientations.

I'd been out of school for a few years, doing my education at home because of my health, and before that I hadn't any real interest in being friends with people. I had a grand total of about 2 friends, only one of whom I spoke to regularly. None of them guys, and I'd never really been friends with guys.

So I ended up going to sixth form and meeting some friends, some of whom I already new a little (friends of a friend). I ended up talking to a guy, and finding out he liked a kind of music I thought only I liked. I became interested in talking to him and being his friend - it was a squish, just like what I'd felt for my female friends previously. However, with heteronormativity subconsciously active, I interpreted it differently. I thought it was a crush, which then made me embarassed and uncomfortable around him after coming to that conclusion, which made it seem more like one. Only, I didn't want to hold hands, kiss, date, cuddle, or even be alone with him, but somehow I neglected that information in my conclusion.

In this period of time I met a few new friends, who I then felt similarly for, one of them also a guy, and realised this was the same I'd felt when I met a fair few of my female friends. At this point I thought I was either crushing on everyone, or I was wrong in the first place. It was also around this time that one of these new friends mentioned that she was asexual, and I immediately claimed I was too - the word instantly fit. So I looked it up, found aven, and realised various things including that I'm aromantic, and that I'm not cis. I knew then that what I felt were some kind of "squishes" and I was entirely embarassed about the whole affair. Especially since I'd told my best friend about the "crush". I still don't think she believes it wasn't one, but I haven't paid the guy another thought since he turned out to be not so interesting in the end.

That was one embarassing situation, but I'm dead clear that I'm aromantic because of it.

I think it's something people should be aware of though - societal norms affecting the way you interpret your feelings. I think it's a good idea to take a step back and look at things a bit clearer.

[Cereal Tendencies]