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Crying

Guess there's no hope.

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Skullery Maid

Have you introduced her to AVEN? You seem like a really sweet man... I am not surprised she is working through this with you.

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Earth Sprite

Skullery Maid,

We have discussed a bit with my wife about AVEN & also about our national asexual forum in Finland, too. I don´t know, whether she has been here or there. Maybe, maybe not. (I have a feeling, that it would be restrictive & controlling to ask, that´s why.)

This can be very valuable forum for peer support. Also when contemplating one´s own identity. :)

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

How are you Crying?

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Sally

Despite my sometimes terse posts, I really think this is an extremely valuable thread. People are expressing their honest feelings and really listening to what others say.

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Sammy1991

Ok I had to come back here because I knew I felt I did something wrong, I feel I need to say i'm sorry to crying. I was very upset when I wrote this. I feel so odd because of this problem. I am TRULY sorry for what I said. I hope you guys can forgive me. As for people calling me "bullshit" if I was completely sexual, thats fine but I do KNOW if I was sexual, sex wouldn't matter if I was with a person I loved because getting to be in his presence is good enough, that's all that matters to me. I wouldn't leave him for that reason because I feel that is wrong. I kept thinking about what I posted and I was very upset because i'm going to say something that is very personal ok, I was taken advantage of when I was 17 by my own cousin. I was young and very stupid. He was a 40 something year old man and I was confused. I went along with it and after a while I knew in my gut that that was wrong. My aunt and mother are the only ones who know and we don't want to report it because it would harm our family. My aunt told me my cousin is a sick man who would even have sex with her, my mother, or his own sister if we went along with it. I feel like did I lead him on? Did I do something wrong? I regret it deeply. I will also say I define myself as a demisexual/gray a asexual. I have had only sexual feelings for one guy in my whole life since I was 11. I am deeply confused by myself and i'm sure all of you here are thinking this girl is nuts. I cry about all of this even thought about killing myself. I may never understand sexual people. I understand if some of you hate me for what I said and see me as rude, I don't want to argue. I just hope you all can help me out by all this, I feel like i'm losing myself. I don't know what to do, because of this I feel I will be alone my whole life. I don't want you guys to hate me or shun me out, I just want someone to help me. I wasn't raped by my cousin but raped of my innocence. Since I was 17 that might be called rape even though I went along with it. I used to be sexual and hook up with random guys but never felt anything,no pleasure or no pain, just a feeling where he was touching me and I always had to be drunk to go through with it. just wanted the attention. I think to myself "who would want me?" or "whats so great about me?" Now I feel its just wrong to do that with anyone but the guy I ever loved. I just wish I was normal. I envy sexual people because they are normal. I don't feel normal. But The guy that I only had feelings for, since i'm part asexual I wouldn't care if he didn't want to have sex with me. I only know myself better then anyone else. I wanted to delete this post but instead wanted to explain myself better. I never wanted to sound ignorant, people calling me "bullshit", rude, or angry at people. I guess i'm just angry about what happened to me and why I cant be normal. I was also drinking when I wrote that, I told my mother I was having a hard time about what had happened to me. I am ignorant about all this. I'm just a dumb 23 year old woman. I just really regret posting that. I'm not a rude person in general, I just am the odd one out. Again i'm sorry about all of it. Take care :(

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Sally

Sammy, you did come off very rude. Nobody's asking you to do anything you don't want to, or understand something that you want nothing to do with. But to make such an elitist post is beyond rude, on a section of AVEN that is specifically for asexuals and sexuals to come together. There's nothing in what you said above that can lead to any more understanding of each others' feelings. All it consists of is derision of people who feel that sexual love is an important part of their lives.

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Feral_Sophisticate

I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

Personally, I call "bullshit". Your last statement was made completely irrelevant by the rest of your post, because if it was ok to you, you wouldn't have posted your opinion in the first place.

You're making broad generalizations, which serve no value to the discussion at large. You wouldn't want sexuals (or anyone else) to judge you based on broad generalizations, and without taking the time to get to know you first, would you? So how, then, is it fair for you to paint us all with a wide brush, and it's somehow magically ok?

Yes, you came across as rude - and if you have to offer such a half-assed "apology" (although I think it's more of a disclaimer, really), then it's obvious that you knew that it was rude, at some level.

Being straight forward doesn't mean one needs to be rude.

All you've done here is shown how intolerant and small minded you are - which is precisely what many sexuals are accused of being.

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lissi

I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

Not rude, just ignorant. Try to understand what sex means to sexuals before being so judgemental. It isn't just about stimulating each other's genitals. For me that's the least important aspect of sex.

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Einy

Crying, I'm very sorry for all this but I cant understand a sexual persons point of view, I'll just straight up say it. I don't understand why sexual people need sex and act like it is something you HAVE to have like food and water. Ya see, I've had sex and I must say, It does nothing for me. I had sex with lots of guys and NEVER once felt pleasure. I never felt pain but certainly not no pleasure. After it was over I was always left thinking "what just happened?" and "what is the point to this?" I would laugh at the sight of a male penis because it just looks so weird, I cant help it. Ya see, if I had a partner that was not interested in sex, I wouldn't care because to me love and sex are to different things. I don't even agree with the words "making love." You are not making love. You are making sex, that's all. If you truly love someone then sex should not be a problem. Play with yourself, hell, go have an affair, I really don't care how you get that pleasure but since he is not doing it, make it work girl, for you. Would he be ok with you guy's having a open marriage? For you to have hook ups with? I love how sexual people say "you must not love me" or "I need sex, I don't feel wanted." Really? All I can say is really? You can't feel wanted in other ways? You got to get naked and rub your privates together, stick this in there, put your mouth on this(so gross :wacko: no offence) to feel wanted. I guess people fell differently then me and i'm well aware of that, it annoys the heck out of me for sexual's rubbing this and that all out in everyone's face. Even if I was sexual do you think I'd care if my partner didn't want to do anything? If you do, then your wrong. I'd love him for him and that's all that matters. I would feel pleasure just by being around him. Not getting naked left and right so he can stick his you know what inside me. Crying, you should find a new guy to be with because the sad part is, you can't except that he is the way he is and that's sad. But others will be sad that he can't do what you want and that's sad too but asexual people and sexual people should never be together, its not fair for both of you. I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

How in the hell can you know how you would feel if you were sexual? It's like if I said, I would desire sex even if I was asexual... what a bullshit.

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Lady Girl

I don't understand why sexual people need sex and act like it is something you HAVE to have like food and water. Ya see, I've had sex and I must say, It does nothing for me. I had sex with lots of guys and NEVER once felt pleasure. I never felt pain but certainly not no pleasure.

I don't even agree with the words "making love." You are not making love. You are making sex, that's all. If you truly love someone then sex should not be a problem.

Even if I was sexual do you think I'd care if my partner didn't want to do anything? If you do, then your wrong. I'd love him for him and that's all that matters.

...but asexual people and sexual people should never be together, its not fair for both of you. I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude...

You should be able to comprehend the feelings sexual people have regarding sex. Is there is some activity that you enjoy considerably and if you were told you could never do it again it would prove difficult for you to deal with, make you sad, or perhaps even make you angry with the person who took it from you? Perhaps you enjoy reading, outdoor activities, or using your computer? Food and water are needed to keep living, but there are other things in life that contribute to being happy to be alive, wouldn't you agree?

Many people express their love for each other through sexual intimacy. It's okay if that's not your thing, but "making love" is a valid concept for many people.

If you were sexual and did feel like your partner didn't care because they didn't want to have sex with you, you may be wrong about their love for you, but your feelings wouldn't necessarily be wrong. It's a pretty common dilemma...both partners sometimes have unreasonable feelings about it.

I'm sorry you feel that asexual and sexual people should never be together. It can be difficult at times, but same orientation couples struggle at times too...working through differences can sometimes be beneficial for people.

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Feral_Sophisticate
I'm sorry you feel that asexual and sexual people should never be together. It can be difficult at times, but same orientation couples struggle at times too...working through differences can sometimes be beneficial for people.

Agreed! :cake: :cake: :cake:

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Sammy1991

I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

Personally, I call "bullshit". Your last statement was made completely irrelevant by the rest of your post, because if it was ok to you, you wouldn't have posted your opinion in the first place.

You're making broad generalizations, which serve no value to the discussion at large. You wouldn't want sexuals (or anyone else) to judge you based on broad generalizations, and without taking the time to get to know you first, would you? So how, then, is it fair for you to paint us all with a wide brush, and it's somehow magically ok?

Yes, you came across as rude - and if you have to offer such a half-assed "apology" (although I think it's more of a disclaimer, really), then it's obvious that you knew that it was rude, at some level.

Being straight forward doesn't mean one needs to be rude.

All you've done here is shown how intolerant and small minded you are - which is precisely what many sexuals are accused of being.

I'm sorry for all that. I did sound I was judging her and I feel bad about it. I wasn't trying to start a argument. I even have sexual feelings for one guy and sound so hypocritical its not even funny. I will be the first to say I am very confused about myself. It's so hard you can't even imagine. I don't wan to fight, I'll even be your friend here on AVEN. My own cousin took advantage of me and I went along with it. I was 17, he was in his 40's. Maybe that is what messed me up about sex. All I know is that the only sexual feelings I had was to one guy and I can never be with him. I very sorry if I upset you. I think what I was trying to say is that sex is not everything but to some it is and I shouldn't judge, although its hard for me to understand because I DO have sexual feelings for someone and I think I'm demisexual/ gray a asexual so I since I know what sexual attraction and feelings is like, I wouldn't leave him if I could be with him if he didn't want to have sex as much. Because I believe true love is what everything is. I wouldn't want to be selfish and leave him if I could be with him just because he wasn't that into sex. It goes both ways. I wouldn't feel any different if I was completely sexual. Sorry for my dumb angry post.

Crying, I'm very sorry for all this but I cant understand a sexual persons point of view, I'll just straight up say it. I don't understand why sexual people need sex and act like it is something you HAVE to have like food and water. Ya see, I've had sex and I must say, It does nothing for me. I had sex with lots of guys and NEVER once felt pleasure. I never felt pain but certainly not no pleasure. After it was over I was always left thinking "what just happened?" and "what is the point to this?" I would laugh at the sight of a male penis because it just looks so weird, I cant help it. Ya see, if I had a partner that was not interested in sex, I wouldn't care because to me love and sex are to different things. I don't even agree with the words "making love." You are not making love. You are making sex, that's all. If you truly love someone then sex should not be a problem. Play with yourself, hell, go have an affair, I really don't care how you get that pleasure but since he is not doing it, make it work girl, for you. Would he be ok with you guy's having a open marriage? For you to have hook ups with? I love how sexual people say "you must not love me" or "I need sex, I don't feel wanted." Really? All I can say is really? You can't feel wanted in other ways? You got to get naked and rub your privates together, stick this in there, put your mouth on this(so gross :wacko: no offence) to feel wanted. I guess people fell differently then me and i'm well aware of that, it annoys the heck out of me for sexual's rubbing this and that all out in everyone's face. Even if I was sexual do you think I'd care if my partner didn't want to do anything? If you do, then your wrong. I'd love him for him and that's all that matters. I would feel pleasure just by being around him. Not getting naked left and right so he can stick his you know what inside me. Crying, you should find a new guy to be with because the sad part is, you can't except that he is the way he is and that's sad. But others will be sad that he can't do what you want and that's sad too but asexual people and sexual people should never be together, its not fair for both of you. I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

How in the hell can you know how you would feel if you were sexual? It's like if I said, I would desire sex even if I was asexual... what a bullshit.

I know you don't understand me but ya see I do feel sexual feeling to only one guy, and since I have those feelings it still wouldn't bother me if he didn't want to have sex so much because being with him is all that matters, i'd still love him and be with him no matter what, sorry if you can't understand that, and if I sound ignorant then I sound ignorant, i'll be the first to say it. I'm the odd one out in this I know.

I can clearly see you HAVE to have sex in your life which is ok, that's nothing wrong with that but as for me, sex is not a part of my life. I hope I didn't come out so rude like, that wasn't what I meant just being straight forward with my opinion.

Not rude, just ignorant. Try to understand what sex means to sexuals before being so judgemental. It isn't just about stimulating each other's genitals. For me that's the least important aspect of sex.

Sorry for sounding ignorant, to most I know that was a ignorant post. I will try to understand although I'm sure I never will :(

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Sally
Sammy1991, on 14 May 2014 - 8:56 PM, said:

I know you don't understand me but ya see I do feel sexual feeling to only one guy, and since I have those feelings it still wouldn't bother me if he didn't want to have sex so much because being with him is all that matters, i'd still love him and be with him no matter what, sorry if you can't understand that, and if I sound ignorant then I sound ignorant, i'll be the first to say it. I'm the odd one out in this I know.

I think what you need to understand is the difference between how you feel, and how others may feel. No one is expecting you (or anyone) to completely understand how we feel. But what everyone expects is not to be made fun of, counteracted, disrespected, or derided for how we feel. None of us can reasonably hold ourselves to be the standard for everyone else.

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Sammy1991
Sammy1991, on 14 May 2014 - 8:56 PM, said:

I know you don't understand me but ya see I do feel sexual feeling to only one guy, and since I have those feelings it still wouldn't bother me if he didn't want to have sex so much because being with him is all that matters, i'd still love him and be with him no matter what, sorry if you can't understand that, and if I sound ignorant then I sound ignorant, i'll be the first to say it. I'm the odd one out in this I know.

I think what you need to understand is the difference between how you feel, and how others may feel. No one is expecting you (or anyone) to completely understand how we feel. But what everyone expects is not to be made fun of, counteracted, disrespected, or derided for how we feel. None of us can reasonably hold ourselves to be the standard for everyone else.

I will try my best to understand, I want to understand, but I wont ever come on a thread and sound rude again, that wasn't right of me. At the time I was angry and never should of opened my mouth. If there is something I don't understand then I will keep my mouth shut from now on. But what I DO understand is everyone deserves respect and kindness, that was something I clearly didn't show and I'm sorry.

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lissi

I think you will learn a lot here Sammy. I have.

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Sally
Sammy1991, on 14 May 2014 - 11:11 PM, said:

I will try my best to understand, I want to understand, but I wont ever come on a thread and sound rude again, that wasn't right of me. At the time I was angry and never should of opened my mouth. If there is something I don't understand then I will keep my mouth shut from now on. But what I DO understand is everyone deserves respect and kindness, that was something I clearly didn't show and I'm sorry.

That's cool. I think I was a bit rough on you, and I apologize.

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lissi

I probably need to find a better word than ignorant! Any suggestions? Sorry Sammy.

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Smiley100

From what I am reading here, it looks like my husband may be asexual.

This is a nightmare. I don't want to find sex outside of my marriage, nor do I want to be celebate. I want what most people get when they marry...a partner who enjoys and desires sex with me.

I guess it doesn't matter what I want. This is what I have. I can either take it or leave him, but I'm not going to get a man that loves and wants me.

This is a nightmare.

I know how you feel sweet!!!! I am in the same boat as you! I know why you think or said he don't love you. In your mind if he loved you he would desire you but luckily for us both one has nothing to do with the other. WOO HOO. We were dealt this with no warning and no one asked us if hey we are ok with totally change EVERYTHING. Your right it is a nightmare and sadly we are limited in our options.

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

First it is possible for him to enjoy sex and have a libido. Second what do you expect out of him, most people are not very accepting of things like asexuality and many people do prefer to just pretend to be normal to get by. Three, So you're saying that a person can only love and want another person if they want to have and do have sex with said person? Well if so I guess that sucks for me... anyways getting back to the point. He may love and want you just as much as any other person but just not have sexual attraction. I kinda feel sorry for this husband of yours now since you keep acting like as if this means he doesn't love you and you sound like your going to break up with him because of the idea of not having sex.

I think you have misunderstood he meaning of "want". I think she means want in terms of desire for sex with her....not "want" in terms of her companionship.

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

Personally I would be pissed as hell if my husband had pretended till after marriage! To me that is classic "bate and switch. I don't care want any other asexual says about their so called "fear". It is wrong, it is deceptive and being asexual is not a good excuse for piss poor behavior. How dare he drag you in his nightmare and victimized you. He is the cause your you pain and continues to blow you off. Mine didnt pretend and all was well to about 7 years ago but there is an underlying theme of cold casual and often self-absorbed dismissal of the sexual and my husband is no exception.

So Crucis, what is your take on him pretending to be sexual until the point at which they were married?

Was he actively pretending to be sexual or rather not mentioning that sex wasn't his cup of tea? Both are deceptive, but one is far more so than the other.

I personally don't think either are deceptive if your asexual partner is like my husband...hoping for years that someday, somehow, he would want to have sex as much as the person he loves.

Carrying on with what is expected might seem like actively pretending, but isn't necessarily deceptive, I consider it trying or making an effort.

Not mentioning that sex isn't one's cup of tea might be done out of thoughtfulness...or it may even be mentioned, but not heard in the way it is meant. The sexual partner may feel they are being told they aren't doing something right, or they may not realize to what extent the asexual means it.

Judy and Sally said it best...without the concept of asexuality, it's hard to understand.

I couldn't disagree with you more! It is deceptive you can candy coat it any way you like, he had an obligation to inform her. She had the right to make an informed decision to still marry.

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Oneness

You see. we asexuals does not mix love with sex. Love is love, sex is sex. Love is feeling, sex is physical pleasure. You can easily have sex without any feelings and you can easily feel love without sex and desire. I dont know at what point in history people started to confuse love with pleasure? Love goes actually way over pleasure and in the light of love, pleasures does not shine much. Anyhow, I understand that for sexual person physical intimacy can be very important, so thats why I would personally never marry sexual person (at least not the one who thinks marriage is all about sex). If your husband is asexual then you just need to stop cry about it and stop feeling sorry for yourself and understand that if he does not desire you sexually, he does not desire sexually anyone else either. You are not your body, so he probably still loves you and wanted to share life with you. If you cant live without the sexual passion, then you have to make the right choice for both of you. Compromise one self does not really bring happines for any one of you....unless you are so deeply in love that you or he do anything to stay together.

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Earth Sprite

>> I'm sorry for all that. I did sound I was judging her and I feel bad about it. I wasn't trying to start a argument.

You are welcome, my friend. We all make mistakes.

*Big hug*

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NotAllHere

I haven't posted on here yet, but my sympathies go out to Crying. And now I notice that Crying hasn't been on here in quite a while.

Crying, how is everything going? Have the two of you worked anything out, or have you moved on? As the asexual in the mixed relationship, I hope that you are doing whatever it is to make yourself happy, because you deserve it. If that means more sex, with a different person, than you should do it. Not every asexual can or will compromise (nor should they feel obligated to) and sometimes that just means you can't have a relationship with a certain person.

Anyway, Crying, hopefully things will work out for you and you can find happiness, wherever that is.

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jacqui23

Hello I haven't read through all this sorry. Crying, I wanted to say I can understand how you feel. This is my first look at asexuality. I don't know where my husband is sexually all I know it isn't for me and I believe he isn't cheating or craving sex with any one else. It really hurts though that it isn't me he wants intimacy with, sexual or any kind. I don't know either where to go from here but looking into this I've got a little bit of hope. My husband has very rose tinted glasses and won't acknowledge any kind of serious problems, in his eyes there isn't any as he is happy as he is. Its heartbreaking to have the person you love so deeply right with you, but feeling so separated. I'm still trying to understand where we go as we aren't a married couple in other ways either, my husband is closer to his brothers than me as in spending Christmas and bank hols with them, holiday every year even food shopping with them, much more than he would with me. I don't understand where I fit in his world.

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Soiled Melody

First, talk about it with your husband. See if he is willing to compromise with you about your desires.

See if you guys can bring in "toys" into the bedroom to where he doesnt necessarily have sex but you can still get your pleasure/excitement.

Did your husband tell you he's asexual or does he have a low sex drive? If it's a llow sex drive then try spicing things up.

If all else fails, invest in a sex toy for yourself and go to counseling.

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jacqui23

Would love to talk things through, he is really uncomfortable with it. The rare occasions anything happens it feels fake and forced both sides. We either give up or make do. I can sort out my randiness but really miss my husband involved. My rose tinted glasses think we can keep getting past it and be happy. If he opened up I could understand my part. Besides other stuff going on I think if I knew if being with me stopped his sex life or intimacy elsewhere as well as mine it would stop me worrying I would know its just me and would have to end it for my sake. Flicking through here it helps to know relationships can work. Can I ask though how the asexuals felt discussing it with your partners? was it worrying how your partner would react? I don't think hubby knows himself or heard of asexual, I hadn't til recently. I sort of just realised 14 years ago I couldn't have sex and him but knew I needed to be with him more.

Counseling for myself might really help soiled melody thankyou, never thought of it on my own.

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Sally

As an asexual, when I learned that there was such a thing as asexuality and that's what had been going on with me all my life, I did discuss it with my partner, and it was very difficult. Although I'd known that something was "wrong with me" for years, it was both a relief to find that other people felt the same way, but really hard, because I knew I had to tell him, and I knew how he would react. And he did react that way: he thought I wasn't attracted to him, he thought I'd been lying all those years, he was sad, he was angry, and we went through several years of very difficult communication.

I'd be willing to bet that all asexuals -- whether they know about it or not -- know that something's different about them, and that they are letting their partners down, and they don't want to talk about it because they'll just feel worse.

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Earth Sprite

I'd be willing to bet that all asexuals -- whether they know about it or not -- know that something's different about them, and that they are letting their partners down, and they don't want to talk about it because they'll just feel worse.

Sally, that´s your personal opinion. To generalize that opinion is a mistake, however. Me for example, as an asexual person, have been talking & am willing to talk in the future, too, with my wife, and I am feeling that´s a great thing to communicate with her. And it wasn´t difficult to talk, at all, at the very beginning.

Communication is quite easy & quite useful & quite nice to do.

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Lady Girl

I'd be willing to bet that all asexuals -- whether they know about it or not -- know that something's different about them, and that they are letting their partners down, and they don't want to talk about it because they'll just feel worse.

Sally, that´s your personal opinion. To generalize that opinion is a mistake, however. Me for example, as an asexual person, have been talking & am willing to talk in the future, too, with my wife, and I am feeling that´s a great thing to communicate with her. And it wasn´t difficult to talk, at all, at the very beginning.

Communication is quite easy & quite useful & quite nice to do.

I tend to agree with Sally overall. If one knows that their sexual partner places a lot of importance on not only the sexual act, but also on enthusiasm for it in general...I think it's hard to tell them you're not enthused and never will be. In my situation and many I've seen here, communication is difficult. It's not impossible, but once certain things are acknowledged and there's nothing left to do but accept it, I agree that the asexual partner can be put in a place of being reminded that they are letting their partner down if the 'talks' continue.

Personally, I don't think my husband finds it easy in the least...it makes him feel like a failure.

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Lenika

Well for the OP. Did anyone ever consider that her husband might not have known he was asexual? He could have just assumed everyone was like him and didn't care for sex that much and then found out otherwise and been put in an embarrassing position. If you're not interested in sex you are not inclined to talk about it much. Not every culture is open about it.

He could have just been very naive, scared to tell anyone ext... Some people are not gifted with proper communication.

Secondly sexual people can lose their labidos. I have heard several AVENites say this about themselves. Perhaps this is what happened to her husband?

What ever the case its nobodys fault, though generally sex is an expectation of marriage. Only he can say why he did not inform his wife.

This could already be solved but I thought those were important points. I'll leave dealing with this to more experienced members. I have nothing else to contribute. Best of luck!

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Feral_Sophisticate

Well for the OP. Did anyone ever consider that her husband might not have known he was asexual? He could have just assumed everyone was like him and didn't care for sex that much and then found out otherwise and been put in an embarrassing position. If you're not interested in sex you are not inclined to talk about it much. Not every culture is open about it.

He could have just been very naive, scared to tell anyone ext... Some people are not gifted with proper communication.

Secondly sexual people can lose their labidos. I have heard several AVENites say this about themselves. Perhaps this is what happened to her husband?

What ever the case its nobodys fault, though generally sex is an expectation of marriage. Only he can say why he did not inform his wife.

This could already be solved but I thought those were important points. I'll leave dealing with this to more experienced members. I have nothing else to contribute. Best of luck!

Actually, a loss of libido isn't that uncommon. In fact, as people age, men and women both tend to have a gradual reduction in their interest in sexual activity. There are exceptions, of course, but in general, it does reduce over time.

Hell, moods can affect one's willingness to be intimate. Stress, depression, alcohol, some medications (antidepressants like SSRIs, in particular)... All those can be factors in reduced interest or ability.

I feel sorry for the husband, here. Whether he's asexual, or something else here is the cause, he's being seen only through one pair of eyes. I'd love to hear his side of the story - not that it might be different from what his wife is saying, but because the differences between their two points of view, those little nuances, will help us to see what the real situation likely is.

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jacqui23

I would be happy with honesty from my husband, and then no need to talk about it again unless there's further problems. Its when he tells me he does like sex or denies there's a problem that's upsetting as I don't know where I stand. I hope you both sort it Crying and it works out well whatever you both decide to do.

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