Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Crying

Guess there's no hope.

Recommended Posts

Raiden

Have you considered talking to him about him possibly being an asexual?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying




<<Skullery Maid says : So, my question is, what if you suddenly started having sex? People with an average sex life spend 0.06% of their time having sex. that means 99.4% of their time is spent not having sex. Why do you assume that something you do for 0.06% of your time would improve your comm unication and feeling loved? Once the sex is over, its still that same guy laying next to you.>>

Ah, yes, it's the same guy, but the way I feel is completely changed by a good sexual relationship. I mean the way I physically feel, the way my thoughts flow, the way I approach life. Sex releases chemicals that make me feel more peaceful, satisfied, flexible, relaxed, energetic, optimistic and just generally more sunny and happy. Little aches and pains are obliterated by the endorphins. I can let minor frustrations roll off my back with a laugh. I feel much more attractive, even though I'm probably the same dumpy me...I just feel better, all day. That feeling is like frosting on a cinnamon bun...a plain cinnamon bun will get you through the morning, but a frosted one is delicious, satisfying and makes your eyes roll back with pleasure when you bite it. Mmmm, hits the spot.

Without a loving sexual connection, I tend toward depression, feel sad, more pessimistic, angry, tired, achy, sluggish and generally cranky. My movement is more labored, my back aches and I get heavier menstrual cramps. I also tend to crave carbs to try to find a substitute release for some feel-good chemicals. This always means a few more pounds a month, which just adds to the depression and joint pain.

Fellow students have asked me several times in the last few months "Are you ok? You're frowning..." or "I hraven't heard your laugh lately...". I can't very well say "Yeah...you know that guy I married last year? Well he's lost interest in me and I'm living high and dry and ready to cry...", but that's the reason why barrel-of-laughs me has turned into a barrel-of-fish cramming bagels into its mouth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

All that I understand. I've been slowly losing the weight I put on through all of this too. I do get that it permeates a variety of areas of your life, for sure.

I suppose sex has become the elephant in the room, interfering with even small intimacies. My partner and I inevitably get to that point too, and then we talk about it... usually heatedly, with yelling and/ or crying, but it does lessen the pressure for awhile.

Obviously there could be other reasons for the lack of sex too... I'm sure there are a lot more couples who aren't having sex than there are asexuals to explain it. Does he just refuse to talk about it entirely?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

You say you THINK he may be asexual... has he said he thinks he is? Have you discussed it? There could be a lot of reasons he may be avoiding sex.

If he is asexual, that doesn't automatically mean he knew he was. I kept convincing myself it was just I needed the right person, or to figure out what I liked, or this or that since I had no clue not liking sex was even a thing humans could have.. weird I know but when you get told by everyone that everyone does X, it is hard to admit "uhm, but I don't want to", even to yourself.

Also, it is easy to not realize how much you don't like sex, or how much of an issue if previous partners had low libidos. My three partners before my current, sex never became an issue. They didn't want it anywhere near as much and I am neutral to sex, so I never had trouble keeping up a "normal" sex life for them and so when I got with my current boyfriend... we had sex ok, honeymoon phase ended and with the others, sex lessened after that. With my current, never did. Started feeling pressured and bored and started turning him down and feeling like it was all he wanted. We started fighting. I went to google, found AVEN, it all clicked. Until then, everyone assured me the sexual interest would just come in time, be patient.

So he may not have deceived you on purpose, if that helps any.

My partner and I worked out a compromise where I have sex enough to keep him content.

Some people cannot handle not having mutual desire though. And it is OK if you cannot. No shame in leaving for a full sex life if that is important. Don't think lacking sexual attraction means we don't care about our partners though. Love can be strong and just be incompatible. :cake: Mixed relationships are tough and ideally, no one should go in blind. If he did purposefully deceive you, that is not OK. And I would be angry too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Percivel

Crying is experiencing very overwhelming feelings right now. I think we should acknowledge that her feelings are real and okay....and normal under the circumstances. Most of us sexuals in mixed relationships have been where she is right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zerο

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.
Sex repulsed here so believe me when I say it should be obvious that sex is pretty much a given in marriage, and really, in any relationship. For future reference, living and sleeping together are typical expectations as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Martin de V

From what I am reading here, it looks like my husband may be asexual.

This is a nightmare. I don't want to find sex outside of my marriage, nor do I want to be celebate. I want what most people get when they marry...a partner who enjoys and desires sex with me.

I guess it doesn't matter what I want. This is what I have. I can either take it or leave him, but I'm not going to get a man that loves and wants me.

This is a nightmare.

Late to the party; sorry if this is a rehash. And there's always hope. It just might not be where you're looking at the moment.

You seem to be in a really dark place right now, and I can sympathize. I've been there. Recently. Many of us here have been. Finding out your spouse is ace is not necessarily the end of the world.

Your husband not wanting to have sex with you is not the same thing as him not loving you. My wife Jo loves me. I know this to be true; she demonstrates it in many ways all the time. She just doesn't particularly want to have sex with me. And it damn near ended our marriage before she came out to me as gray/ace.

It's been rough, too, not gonna lie to you. It's taken a while to get compromises worked out, and we're still working on them and fine-tuning them now, months later. But she loves me, and she's willing to do things for me. She lets me indulge in some of my kinks without complaint, even though they don't do a thing for her.

You can compromise. I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone I see in a situation similar to my own: Talk to him. Sit down and have an open, honest discussion about the subject. It won't necessarily be what you want, but if you value the marriage more than the sex, you need to be willing to accept less sex to help save the marriage.

I don't know your whole situation. All I know is that finding a compromise saved my marriage. It might work for you, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aceroid

I agree 100% with Serran. Although I think you have every right to feel the way you do, especially since your relationship before marriage gave no indication of how your sex life would be afterwards, I really believe communication is key in your situation, and you should ask your partner about his sex drive, possible asexuality, whether he is even aware or has thought about it before, what he is and isn't comfortable with etc.

I've gone through similar experiences Serran has, I thought endlessly that there must be something I'm doing wrong, or I don't really love that person, otherwise I would obviously want and enjoy sex with them. If you hang around on AVEN a bit, you'll find that a lot of asexuals have lived for years fooling themselves into 'being sexual'.

It's also possible that he is feeling pressured by your desire for sex, or refrains from physical contact, even though he likes it, because he thinks it will lead to sex (I do that a lot).

Anyways, talk to him. Try to understand him too. For all you know, he might be struggling and feeling lonely for all the "same but different" reasons.

But! :cake: I'm not saying you should be the one doing all the work. There needs to be understanding and effort on both sides. If he's really asexual, it will probably take a lot of effort for him to understand that sex is something that's important for you to feel good about yourself and your life, and for it to sink in.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Martin de V

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

Okay, at this point I find myself confused.

Why are you here? Are you looking for a magic bullet to just make things change? If so, you're not going to find it. It doesn't exist. I know; I tried. Is compromise a sad consideration? Sorta; I've still not quite gotten to the point where I think I'm getting what I want...but I also know that Jo's not in the position of getting what she wants, either. It's a two-way street. I want to be desired, too, but in that particular way I know I'm not. She's just not wired that way.

Oh, and you're REALLY generalizing things about "in the sexual world," etc. I'm there; I know what it means to me. It's not necessarily the same thing it means to you.

Now, if he did deceive you as thoroughly as it appears he did from your side of the story, you might be better off seeking to end your marriage, citing fraud and abuse. I don't think it's that bad, though, or you probably wouldn't still be there. I could be wrong, of course, and there's bound to be a boatload of things you haven't told us in the six or seven paragraphs I've read from you so far. His side of the story, for instance.

I'd still try to sit and talk it out with him and try to reach a compromise...IF the marriage is worth saving, in your opinion. From what I've read so far, however, you may have already decided it's not. Which is too bad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
YeOldeToast

Well, from what's gone on it looks like you know what to do as well. You function best in a sexual relationship and everything is pretty shitty when that's taken away. If the drawbacks in your marriage outweigh the benefits then that's an absolute deal-breaker; I can't say much on the deception and whatnot since I think that's a personal thing and he has his own side of the story too, but I don't really think that matters much since it's quite clear things aren't worth keeping up as they are. Divorcing and the time being alone may be difficult at first, but it opens up doors to happier relationships, staying in a marriage that keeps you from being happy is a guarantee that you will stay unhappy, it sounds like you know that too. I hope things work out for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lissi

Crying, I am so so sorry! I understand how devastating this is for you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Some asexual believe that the only way they can have what they desire is by pretending to be something they are not. If it helps any, if he is asexual he may not have any idea of the harm this kind of deception can cause. He probably sees it as a little white lie because he does not understand the significance of sex. He probably meant you no harm. At the same time you have been hurt. You have had a terrible shock so try to take your time before coming to any decisions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NakedApe

Crying,

I have been through what you are going through very recently. I have a few thoughts on your post

Your husband might not be intentionally deceiving you. He might have thought he had a low-libido or was going through stress. People generally only understand things from their own perspective. Many Aces don't feel the sex drive like we do, so they don't understand why infrequency and rejection are so hurtful.

About love. This is where I understand you the most. I've been known to say to my ace wife in the past "Why did you marry me if you didn't love me?" Her reply is "oh course I love you. Where did you get that idea? That baffled me for a long time. What helped me through this is the concept of "love languages". Different people have different love languages. To you and I, that language is sex and desire. To my wife, it's companionship. Others have gifts, personal appearance etc... So, your husband might love you very much, but he's telling you in a language you don't know so you don't see it. It would be like someone saying "I love you" in a language you've never spoken. This is where compromise comes in. If you stay together, you'll be best served if you try and learn each other's love language. Then, you can take turns. Sometimes he will love you in your language and be sexual with you (even though it is not instinctive for him) and at other times you can share love his way (even though it does not feel like love to you).

Like I said, I understand your despair. Having a partner come out as Ace seems so final. It's easy to lose hope. In addition to that you've been starving (to use a food metaphor for sex) for so long that you don't feel like you have the energy to handle the long talks and frustration ahead. All I can tell you here is that a good motto to use is "assume love". Meaning if there are two ways to take an event such as "He doesn't love me and lied to me" or "He loves me. He just doesn't understand why no passion and desire hurts me." Pick the option where you assume that he loves you.

I wish you the very best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying

Good advice from some here who get what is happening.

Some of you I think may have forgotten what it like to be at the beginning of this journey.

I was single for 17 years. That does not mean celibate, it means not married. I decided to marry again a little over a year ago, and certainly didn't expect it to limit my sex life. My husband also stopped being affectionate in most ways once we married. He spends his time gaming, surfing the web, watching TV or working on cars when he is at home on weekends. It's like he married and feels like he's done with that project.

Some of the conversations we had about sex confused me. He kept insisting that sex and love were completely separate,and that the purpose of sex was to "get the orgasm". Of course, he didn't tell me that I was merely a way to 'get the orgasm' until after we'd married. He made me sound like a blow up doll. He said sex just wasn't important to him and he expected me to just accept that he wasn't interested. He said that he thought that I'd get tired of asking and "find something else to do".

He told me that he found foreplay boring and didn't get crushes on girls in middle and high school. When I asked him about the first girl he ever wanted to have sex with he said he was more interested in cars and only had a girlfriend 'because the other guys did and I didn't want to be the only one who didn't have anybody.' His reason for having sex for the first time was because "it seemed like she wanted me to."

This is all pretty bad news for a sexual woman who desires a monogamous relationship.

After reading about asexuality online, things started falling into place. There's a lot more, but now those who asked know why I came to this forum. No, I'm not looking for a magic bullet. I'm looking for support and maybe a map of the land.

What I am not looking for is to be told that some people here feel sorry for my husband for having to deal with me. That's just rude and snarky and completely unnecessary to say. If all you can see is how tough it must be to be a man who married a sexual woman and now wants to pretend that her needs are unreasonable, then you probably don't need to be on the support board for sexual partners of asexuals.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

Ah.. a lot of that sounds pretty familiar. I pulled away A LOT when sex became an issue for my relationship, because I felt like ANY physical contact or affection was going to turn to sex. I am still wary of even hugging my partner, because a lot of the time that can make him think about sex. It's like I get the urge to do it, then think about what may be expected and decide to just offer to play a video game with him instead (our PCs are in separate rooms). I assume (based on what you said) for him he lacks the emotional connection with sex, so just sees it for the physical release (sort of like replacement for masturbation). I can kinda relate to that, because it's hard for me to emotionally connect during sex as well. It's just so... impersonal to me. Especially if the position is something like doggy style, where about the only touching is genital touching. It's just so, physical and I feel no connection at all.

I have to remind myself over and over that to my boyfriend, this is both emotional and physical, because it doesn't FEEL loving at all for me. I have to try to think of it from his perspective, which meant figuring out his perspective.. which meant a lot of talking and asking. It's hard to wrap my head around "when he feels that rush of "I love you" emotion, it makes him want sex because of the emotional connection", it's so unnatural for me to think that way and it's unnatural for him to NOT think that way... so we both struggle with trying to keep each other satisfied when we experience things so differently.

I also thought people would eventually grow bored of sex and it just naturally died off in relationships as they aged, like, how can you really enjoy doing that EVERY DAY for YEARS? My previous partners followed the pattern of lots of sex at the beginning - as the relationship aged the sex waned - eventually it went to like once a week, once every two weeks and that isn't a huge deal for me. Then, I have one that wants it 2-3-4-5-6-7 times a day and oooooooooh my did my understanding on how important sex can be to people change. Eight years into the relationship and he STILL wants it daily, or more. It just boggles my mind how any activity can not get boring after all that.

The lack of crushes and such have me curious though. Asexuals can still desire romantic relationships and have crushes, we aren't immune to that. I have strong sensual desire, which is kissing/hugging/cuddling for me and I get crushes and fall in love just like most people... just without the sexual desire / attraction. Lacking an interest in romantic relationships and having not experienced crushes makes me wonder if maybe he thinks aromantic might fit him? Might be worth discussing with him, anyway.

If you do discuss potential asexuality with him, remember to not put the label on him. He has to adopt it if he feels it fits. Also, something that helps when discussing is to not use language that will put someone on the defensive "Why do you never want sex?" is aggressive and "I understand sex seems to be something that you are not as interested in, it is something important to me though. How can we address this and find a way that works for us both?" is not. Choice of words is pretty important. It's a sensitive subject, especially if he feels like he has had to pretend to not seem broken ("All the guys did it, so I did") and may be why he's lashing out. Some people have trouble admitting they are different from the crowd, especially if that difference would make them seem "less manly" or whatever and not fit their gender role that society accepts

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying

Ah.. a lot of that sounds pretty familiar. I pulled away A LOT when sex became an issue for my relationship, because I felt like ANY physical contact or affection was going to turn to sex. I am still wary of even hugging my partner, because a lot of the time that can make him think about sex. It's like I get the urge to do it, then think about what may be expected and decide to just offer to play a video game with him instead (our PCs are in separate rooms). I assume (based on what you said) for him he lacks the emotional connection with sex, so just sees it for the physical release (sort of like replacement for masturbation). I can kinda relate to that, because it's hard for me to emotionally connect during sex as well. It's just so... impersonal to me. Especially if the position is something like doggy style, where about the only touching is genital touching. It's just so, physical and I feel no connection at all.

I have to remind myself over and over that to my boyfriend, this is both emotional and physical, because it doesn't FEEL loving at all for me. I have to try to think of it from his perspective, which meant figuring out his perspective.. which meant a lot of talking and asking. It's hard to wrap my head around "when he feels that rush of "I love you" emotion, it makes him want sex because of the emotional connection", it's so unnatural for me to think that way and it's unnatural for him to NOT think that way... so we both struggle with trying to keep each other satisfied when we experience things so differently.

I also thought people would eventually grow bored of sex and it just naturally died off in relationships as they aged, like, how can you really enjoy doing that EVERY DAY for YEARS? My previous partners followed the pattern of lots of sex at the beginning - as the relationship aged the sex waned - eventually it went to like once a week, once every two weeks and that isn't a huge deal for me. Then, I have one that wants it 2-3-4-5-6-7 times a day and oooooooooh my did my understanding on how important sex can be to people change. Eight years into the relationship and he STILL wants it daily, or more. It just boggles my mind how any activity can not get boring after all that.

The lack of crushes and such have me curious though. Asexuals can still desire romantic relationships and have crushes, we aren't immune to that. I have strong sensual desire, which is kissing/hugging/cuddling for me and I get crushes and fall in love just like most people... just without the sexual desire / attraction. Lacking an interest in romantic relationships and having not experienced crushes makes me wonder if maybe he thinks aromantic might fit him? Might be worth discussing with him, anyway.

If you do discuss potential asexuality with him, remember to not put the label on him. He has to adopt it if he feels it fits. Also, something that helps when discussing is to not use language that will put someone on the defensive "Why do you never want sex?" is aggressive and "I understand sex seems to be something that you are not as interested in, it is something important to me though. How can we address this and find a way that works for us both?" is not. Choice of words is pretty important. It's a sensitive subject, especially if he feels like he has had to pretend to not seem broken ("All the guys did it, so I did") and may be why he's lashing out. Some people have trouble admitting they are different from the crowd, especially if that difference would make them seem "less manly" or whatever and not fit their gender role that society accepts

I guess I look at it as the same kind of day in day out enjoyment that comes with food. Most people eat food. They like some food better than other food, and there are certain combinations that just seem like heaven. Some food, I have every day, and have for decades. I never get tired of coffee or fresh apples, can have them multiple times a day and still enjoy them again a few hours later. It comforts me to know that coffee and apples are usually available, and always are satisfying. I've had bad coffee now and then, but it was never preferable to have none.

There are other foods that I don't want all of the time, like a heavy holiday meal or a really rich dessert. Wonderful now and then, but too often and it starts to get overwhelming.

Sex is like that. There is sex that is easy, familiar, satisfying, comforting and grounding. That kind of sex is the loving kind that kept the connection strong between my partner and me. It was the sustaining sex, the sex that made us a couple, the delicious secret ingredient that made our relationship delicious. Now and then, there is over the top sex ( many people call this "vacation sex") where it's just longer, stronger, more intense and more astonishingly emotional.

Over the top sex, oh my, it's hard to describe. It bonds you together like glue, sometimes even ends in tears of joy and awe. Like a holiday, it takes you to a place where your roots are entwined, feeds your soul, nourishes your heart. To look into your partner's eyes and see that they are with you in that magical place where all that matters is that you are together and giving each other pleasure and love that defies words? Oh, my, it's life regenerating itself. It's fireworks and world peace all in one delicious bite. It's something that completes us, makes us feel like we are exactly who we should be, and we need nothing more. I usually say something that I normally might feel shy saying, reveal something wonderful to my partner like "I knew you in my last life just like I know you in this life and will know you forever." It makes no sense word for word, but when spoken while in that bonded heartspace, it means everything.

With a sexual partner, you will see in their eyes and in the helpless, vulnerable joy on their face that they get it. There's no shyness, no fear of not being accepted, no need to be anything other than exactly who you are. Sometimes, their eyes will fill with tears or they will hold you closer and say something in response like "Oh, God, how can I be so lucky as to have your love?"

It sounds corny and hokey and silly, but when it's happening it's absolutely perfect.

I wanted to, need to go to that place with my husband, but it looks like he can't go there. It's a shock like a death in the family to realize that I am in love with a man who is never going to take that trip with me. It's positively frightening to know his desire for me to 'get tired of it' because he can't feel that kind of connection.

As Don Henley put it:

"You don't care much for a stranger's touch,

But you can't hold your man."

Nope. I sure can't.

That he was so eager to marry--I actually would have remained an unmarried couple indefinitely--now makes sense. He would have married me three months after meeting, but I said no, love is wonderful, but we probably want to know each other a little better than three months worth. He wanted to marry so that he could breathe a sigh of relief and stop having sex with me every other day. That was our compromise. I would have said twice a day. He said every day was more than he could manage, so we settled on every other day.

It's now every two or three months, lasts 5 minutes, and he doesn't even look at me. And no, it's never good for him. When I ask he says "as long as you are happy, that's all I care about."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lissi

My asexual ex wanted to marry me. Would he have told me about his feelings on sex first? I will never know.

In the past my need for frequent sex would diminish slightly as the relationship progressed. When sex was denied/ never instigated my desire for it and the emotional connection I associated with it grew and grew. A bit like cake when you are on a diet, I became almost obsessed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

Yeah, what you are describing, I can never give a partner. It's just not a part of who I am. Just like, I can't give my partner a passionate shared enjoyment of football or metal concerts. Those are just parts of us we are incompatible in. But, I can geek out with him for hours over Lord of the Rings, or comics and we can argue back and forth who is the better villian. If that connection is something you NEED, it doesn't sound like your husband can give it. It is HARD to have sex at times if you really don't want it, so it sounds like he is trying, but obviously it isn't enough for you, which is OK. But, that mutual desire is something those of us who do not feel it will never be able to give. We can love someone, we can want to be with them, we can compromise with them, we can try to understand them the best we can... but we're never going to feel what we cannot feel. And that trying, can over time, become something that is harder and harder to do so compromise may need to change over time to less sex if that happens. I can't tell you it's going to get better. It might, or it may get worse as time goes on, eventually leading to none. There is no way to tell. Sex without desire is something that is really, really difficult for someone. The fact he's doing it at all if he has trouble with frequency shows he really does seem to care.

Decide if his best is good enough for you, or if you really need that desire. If you do, your only options are likely to be break up, or open up .. and opening only works if that philosophy is something the couple likes anyway and just hasn't thought about yet. It can't be a band-aid.

His answer to how he liked the sex is similar to mine - sex is 100% for my partner, so if HE enjoys it, I am happy with it. My own enjoyment is nil, I am not only aseuxal, I am also a non-libidoist so I don't even masturbate / have an urge for orgasm. I'd rather sit comfortably and lazily laying in his arms than have sex, so I hate being asked how *I* liked sex and having to explain yet again I do not like it, this is all for him, if he wants to make me happy he can watch the new Hunger Games movie with me or make fun of the horrible casting of the new Superman movies with me. :)

Edit: I tried to explain I had issues with sex before I got into a relationship with my partner. But, I had no label for it and nothing to point to. I told him sex was something I had trouble maintaining an interest in, best way I could describe it. He thought it meant I just had to "grow into it", or that I just had bad lovers before. So, sometimes even trying to warn people doesn't mean they understand, if you have never encountered the resources AVEN and other asexuality sites offer of "THIS! This is what I feel" you may not be able to explain it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tjirpling

This probably isn't going to be helpful, but alternate perspectives can occasionally be interesting, so I'm gonna post it anyway.

For me, that incredibly intimate closeness feeling isn't a sex thing. I can sort of see how it could be, but the times I've experienced feelings similar to what you seem to describe have been while cuddling. In a relationship with an ace, disconnected to my libido (which is quite existent). Just spending some time snuggled on a bed or sofa, talking about whatever and being really happy with each other's existence and the shared affection. The conversation sometimes derails into declarations of love with varying degrees of silliness and seriousness.

I haven't had a relationship with another sexual where the emotional connection was particularly strong so I might not know what I'm missing, but while I agree that being sexual with each other leaves a lot of vulnerability open and gives a chance to bond on a particular level, I can't imagine being happy with a relationship where that is the only place you can seek out the sheer feelings of love and bondedness.

On a different note from my personal perspective, Crying, you really sound terribly unhappy with your situation and you have my sympathy. You don't sound optimistic about trying to resolve it either, so best of luck with figuring out how to find joy elsewhere. :c

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

while I agree that being sexual with each other leaves a lot of vulnerability open and gives a chance to bond on a particular level, I can't imagine being happy with a relationship where that is the only place you can seek out the sheer feelings of love and bondedness.

But no one is saying that.

Imagine you're starving. Someone gives you a half cup of broth. You say "I'm still starving."

Would it make sense for that person to say "I can't imagine only being happy by eating steak."

Did you say that you would only be happy eating steak? No, you did not. What you said was that broth wasn't enough to stop the feeling of starving.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tjirpling

Actually, considering I've come off some eating disorder nonsense (not outright starving, but still) and don't eat meat, that analogy was pretty much entirely lost on me (half a cup of broth can be a lot!).

Much like my "I'm describing a different point of view in hope that it might provide interesting (but probably not useful) perspective" seems completely missed. I wasn't saying anyone should settle if they genuinely need something they aren't getting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

Uh huh, uh huh.

And if I responded to the OP by saying "I can't imagine being happy in a heterosexual relationship", wouldn't that be mighty odd?

I wasn't saying anyone should settle if they genuinely need something they aren't getting.

I don't think you were telling people to settle.

But you DID say that we were saying that sex is the ONLY way we feel love. But no one said that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tjirpling

Would you like me to go edit in a "personally" between "can't" and "imagine"? I can totally imagine someone else being happy with it, but that wasn't the point I was making, though you seem to have read it that way. The point I was making may have been bad or my word choice poor. I'm out of practice with keeping clarity in forum posts. :/


But you DID say that we were saying that sex is the ONLY way we feel love. But no one said that.

As for this bit, I did not say that and I genuinely have no idea how you got the impression that I did.

I also don't want to derail the thread. If I worded my post that poorly, I am sorry, I tried my best. If you'd like to discuss this further (whether to tell me exactly why it's problematic or to figure out why we misunderstood each other), could we take it to PMs or something?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

No no, I wasn't going to reply at all for derailment purposes, and I certainly don't want you to edit anything. I don't understand the point of replying just to make the point "I'm doing this better than you", which is definitely how that sounded to me, but it's neither here nor there. I miss the old SPFA section where people actually talked to the OP and we had in depth discussions. I feel like we could rename the SPFA the "I do relationships better than you", since that seems like those are most of the replies. Obviously I'm taking a personal stake in this for no good reason, except I know that if I was greeted the way Crying was, I wouldn't have stayed and would have likely been angrier at my partner, not less angry.

But you DID say that we were saying that sex is the ONLY way we feel love. But no one said that.


As for this bit, I did not say that and I genuinely have no idea how you got the impression that I did.

You went out of your way to differentiate yourself from people like the OP. You are making a comparison between yourself and others. Sure, maybe the "others" are some random people who have no relevance to the discussion, but the dictates of logic say that, given that you did not specify the object from which you are distinguishing yourself, it is logical to place the OP in the place, since you were replying to the OP.

Again, if I replied to the OP with "I would never be happy in a heterosexual relationship" and she said "well too bad, I'm heterosexual and I don't care what you think", it would be grossly disingenuous of me to then say "you misunderstood me, I wasn't talking to you".

while I agree that being sexual with each other leaves a lot of vulnerability open and gives a chance to bond on a particular level, I can't imagine being happy with a relationship where that is the only place you can seek out the sheer feelings of love and bondedness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

OP Crying, you are in an awful position, and if indeed your husband has reacted the way you portray him as doing so, he's certainly not displaying any love. You have a right to feel how you do, and certainly the right to make a decision to do what is best for you.

What I would caution you to do is not assume that he's being sh*tty because he might be asexual. He's just being sh*tty. We're all individuals.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying

Interesting, so interesting. My husband often laments that "sex isn't love" and "why do you think sex is the only way to show love?"

I have never said either, nor do I subscribe to either belief, yet somehow, from his perspective (which I increasingly believe IS the perspective of an asexual), my desire for a sexual expression of love seems to translate to him as "sex is the only acceptable way of showing love".

I am not sure how this came to be. I have made it clear that sex is an intensely emotional experience for me, but I have never, ever said or behaved as though sex was the only valid expression of love.

He seems not to notice my non-sexual expressions of love, assuming that "people like me" only express love through sex. When I bring home his favorite candy for him or get up with him at 4am six days a week to make him a fresh lunch or sit with him to watch a movie, those are all expressions of love. He seems to only recognize my gestures of love when they are tied to the sex that he doesn't want.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skullery Maid

He seems to only recognize my gestures of love when they are tied to the sex that he doesn't want.

Out of curiosity, what is his response if you just cease all things sexual? Does it worry him? It seems to me if the only way he feels loved is by you initiating sex (even if he doesn't want it), then he'd feel unloved if you "cut him off". My partner worries when I completely disconnect sexually because she assumes that means something is wrong. I'm wondering if it's the same for your husband.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying

No no, I wasn't going to reply at all for derailment purposes, and I certainly don't want you to edit anything. I don't understand the point of replying just to make the point "I'm doing this better than you", which is definitely how that sounded to me, but it's neither here nor there. I miss the old SPFA section where people actually talked to the OP and we had in depth discussions. I feel like we could rename the SPFA the "I do relationships better than you", since that seems like those are most of the replies. Obviously I'm taking a personal stake in this for no good reason, except I know that if I was greeted the way Crying was, I wouldn't have stayed and would have likely been angrier at my partner, not less angry.

Girl, you hit the nail on the head here.

I have gotten the impression that many of the posters here were quick to covertly and overtly tell me that I really was being terribly demanding, and that I was going to have to learn to just not be so attached to sex and that my "poor husband" wasn't getting a fair shake. There was even the sentiment that he was putting up with me and that I shouldn't expect a satisfying sex life from marriage.. It was like "If I don't have any sexual needs,then you shouldn't either".

Skullery Maid, you have been a huge help and very empathetic. You've also thrown on a Valkyrie suit and kicked some hiney on my behalf since I was still shell shocked and reeling from the realization that the man I married may well be asexual.

I posed the question to my husband tonight. I said "From what you've told me, you never had much interest in sex. You didn't want to date when you were young and didn't explore sex as a teen. Could it be that you just don't have the interest, like I don't have the interest in baseball? Like, I never care if I ever see a baseball game, and no, I don't need to see one to be sure? Does sex kind of feel like that for you?"

His response was "I've been giving you a really hard time, and taking too much out on you. I'l try to do better. Really. I will start going to therapy to figure out why I've been so angry and taking it out on you."

Baffled the hell out of me. His response completely avoided my question.

BTW, Skullery Maid, I seriously considered bailing last night when my post got such a chilly reception. I stayed because outside of a few very old blogs, there isn't anywhere else on the web to try to untangle this. I stuck around to see if maybe I'd get some more understanding responses. I'm glad I did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
Crying, on 14 Mar 2014 - 9:00 PM, said:

I have never said either, nor do I subscribe to either belief, yet somehow, from his perspective (which I increasingly believe IS the perspective of an asexual), my desire for a sexual expression of love seems to translate to him as "sex is the only acceptable way of showing love".

I've been asexual for a long time -- all my long life -- and I've always understood that sex is part of a loving relationship for the two sexuals I've known. I don't believe his perspective is an "asexual" perspective. But if he is feeling defensive, he may be pushing back with that kind of attitude.

Again, I think you need to realize he's just one person, asexual or not. He doesn't represent asexuals.

Edit later: Wow, he admitted that he was being hard on you. That's something. Not enough, I realize, but it kind of shows he's got some self-knowledge.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crying

He seems to only recognize my gestures of love when they are tied to the sex that he doesn't want.

Out of curiosity, what is his response if you just cease all things sexual? Does it worry him? It seems to me if the only way he feels loved is by you initiating sex (even if he doesn't want it), then he'd feel unloved if you "cut him off". My partner worries when I completely disconnect sexually because she assumes that means something is wrong. I'm wondering if it's the same for your husband.

He just lets the days go by. It's like he's waiting for a bill to come.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

He seems to only recognize my gestures of love when they are tied to the sex that he doesn't want.

Out of curiosity, what is his response if you just cease all things sexual? Does it worry him? It seems to me if the only way he feels loved is by you initiating sex (even if he doesn't want it), then he'd feel unloved if you "cut him off". My partner worries when I completely disconnect sexually because she assumes that means something is wrong. I'm wondering if it's the same for your husband.

He just lets the days go by. It's like he's waiting for a bill to come.

That's exactly how I felt during my marriage and my partnership. I knew that bill would eventually come, and I would pay it because I loved my husband and my partner and didn't want them to think I didn't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...