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Crying

Guess there's no hope.

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Crying

From what I am reading here, it looks like my husband may be asexual.

This is a nightmare. I don't want to find sex outside of my marriage, nor do I want to be celebate. I want what most people get when they marry...a partner who enjoys and desires sex with me.

I guess it doesn't matter what I want. This is what I have. I can either take it or leave him, but I'm not going to get a man that loves and wants me.

This is a nightmare.

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AoiYami

Do you realize that some asexuals will have sex as a compromise? Some can even have a libido they just don't feel sexual attraction.

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YeOldeToast

Also, it's unfair to say that he doesn't 'love or want' you, that's like saying asexuals are void of the power to love which is absolutely not true. I can understand that it's difficult, it was a major bombshell for me when my girlfriend came to the conclusion that she's asexual, and I know none of the options seem any good (believe me, I've been through the point where I thought my best option was t get castrated, now that's pretty low), but what you're saying now isn't helpful. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's not. Your husband being asexual does not mean he doesn't love you and, as Yami said, he may still be ok with sex. Sit him down and talk with him rather than think about how horrible life is because that is not doing anyone any good.

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skullery

From what I am reading here, it looks like my husband may be asexual.

This is a nightmare. I don't want to find sex outside of my marriage, nor do I want to be celebate. I want what most people get when they marry...a partner who enjoys and desires sex with me.

I guess it doesn't matter what I want. This is what I have. I can either take it or leave him, but I'm not going to get a man that loves and wants me.

This is a nightmare.

When I came to this site (which was accidental, but lucky!), I was relieved to learn that my partner may be asexual. I had felt so horrible... learning about asexuality definitely helped me feel like it wasn't all my fault. But here's the thing. I accepted that we weren't having much sex and that there's no fix to that. I assumed it was because she wasn't into me or was secretly straight (long story), but at no point did I think that I was going to change her behavior. When I found out about asexuality, it wasn't such a major shift in my worldview because I already saw people's behavior as outside of my control.

My guess is that's why you're so upset right now. Somewhere in you, there was some real, true hope that your situation will change. Don't get me wrong... hope lives eternal, even in me. It amazes me that four years later, I can still have my hopes dashed (because I shouldn't have those hopes at all anymore). For me, however, those hopes are ethereal and fleeting... I don't really believe them, even if I sometimes feel them... but I'm guessing that you really did think things would (or could) change.

What you're facing now is the sudden shift in perspective that your sex life may never improve. That's huge. You're going to mourn that for awhile and that's OK. You're going to hear from a lot of people who (correctly) tell you that you are at the very beginning of a long process of numerous difficult talks and many nights of confusion. It's not the easiest thing you'll ever go through, but trust me, it's not the worst either. There are some wonderful rewards that come with asexuality... specifically, you can learn to recognize and feel your husband's love in a way that you weren't seeing and feeling it before. It really does make it easier.

Anyway. I don't know you and I therefore don't know what will and won't make you feel better, so please accept my advice in the congenial manner it is given. One thing that *may* help you keep perspective is that, in reality, there never was something that would suddenly fix or change your sex life. That hope was never actually real. It reminds me of a job I applied for once... I had two interviews, and ran into one of the partners the day after the second interview. The entire time I was talking to him, I had it in the back of my head that he's still considering me for the position. I found out a couple days later that my rejection letter had been sent before I ran into him. All of that hope that I could sway his opinion was false hope. The decision had already been made, I had no control over the situation.

For some short term advice, here's a couple tips I can throw your way:

1) don't run and cry to your husband right now. You've received major, new information and you haven't finished processing it yet. You will likely feel very different in 5 days than you do today. Wait until you can wrap your mind around it entirely before you initiate that first talk

2) do you have questions? thoughts? worries? anger? talk about it here and see how you feel about all of it.

3) relax!! I know it feels like something major has changed, but nothing has changed. Everything was OK yesterday and everything will be OK tomorrow.

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My alias

Feels like you are judging him without asking him and you are applying a broad and generic definition to him, which isn't fair.

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Zerο

It really depends on what type of asexual he is. My friend for example (I believe she's graysexual) enjoys sex, but she doesn't experience sexual attraction enough to the point that she'll ever miss it.

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Crying

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?




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AoiYami

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

First it is possible for him to enjoy sex and have a libido. Second what do you expect out of him, most people are not very accepting of things like asexuality and many people do prefer to just pretend to be normal to get by. Three, So you're saying that a person can only love and want another person if they want to have and do have sex with said person? Well if so I guess that sucks for me... anyways getting back to the point. He may love and want you just as much as any other person but just not have sexual attraction. I kinda feel sorry for this husband of yours now since you keep acting like as if this means he doesn't love you and you sound like your going to break up with him because of the idea of not having sex.

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Lucinda

Would you feel as desperately lonely if you were single again? What are your plans for the rest of 2014?

Lucinda

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skullery

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

You're married and entered into what one can reasonably assume is a sexual relationship, so he needs to take some accountability for that. I never get more angry than when my partner gets all "all you care about is sex!". There is no better relationship to expect sex in than a marriage. That's a big part of what marriage is for. You definitely have a right to feel upset, particularly since he's not even acknowledging his role in all this. That being said, you can't wish it away. Even if I were to say to you, in complete sincerity, that he is 100% wrong and you are 100% right, it doesn't actually change anything. I'm sorry, but your options are still to leave, compromise, or be celibate.

Here's my question for you...

My partner and I have sex about 4 times a year. I'm sure it would be zero times a year if it wasn't for my pushing. But, I have never felt unloved. I've rarely felt lonely.

So, my question is, what if you suddenly started having sex? People with an average sex life spend 0.06% of their time having sex. that means 99.4% of their time is spent not having sex. Why do you assume that something you do for 0.06% of your time would improve your communication and feeling loved? Once the sex is over, its still that same guy laying next to you.

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AoiYami

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

You're married and entered into what one can reasonably assume is a sexual relationship, so he needs to take some accountability for that. I never get more angry than when my partner gets all "all you care about is sex!". There is no better relationship to expect sex in than a marriage. That's a big part of what marriage is for. You definitely have a right to feel upset, particularly since he's not even acknowledging his role in all this. That being said, you can't wish it away. Even if I were to say to you, in complete sincerity, that he is 100% wrong and you are 100% right, it doesn't actually change anything. I'm sorry, but your options are still to leave, compromise, or be celibate.

Here's my question for you...

My partner and I have sex about 4 times a year. I'm sure it would be zero times a year if it wasn't for my pushing. But, I have never felt unloved. I've rarely felt lonely.

So, my question is, what if you suddenly started having sex? Why do you assume that would improve your communication, feeling loved, etc?

People with an average sex life spend 0.06% of their time having sex. that means 99.4% of their time is spent not having sex.

So marrage is something that you do for sex? I thought otherwise but someone should start informing asexuals of this...

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skullery

stop being annoying and stupid.

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AoiYami

stop being annoying and stupid.

Was that to me? Wow your mean... well sorry, I guess if you hate me that much I'll leave, I didn't realize people hated me so much that I can only make 5 messages before they insult me...

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Crying

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

First it is possible for him to enjoy sex and have a libido. Second what do you expect out of him, most people are not very accepting of things like asexuality and many people do prefer to just pretend to be normal to get by. Three, So you're saying that a person can only love and want another person if they want to have and do have sex with said person? Well if so I guess that sucks for me... anyways getting back to the point. He may love and want you just as much as any other person but just not have sexual attraction. I kinda feel sorry for this husband of yours now since you keep acting like as if this means he doesn't love you and you sound like your going to break up with him because of the idea of not having sex.

What do I expect out of him? I did not expect to be treated like this , that's for sure. I expected a sexual marriage.

I am saying that this man does not love me or he wouldn't have deceived me, or want--that is, have sexual attraction for-- me.

Yes, the idea of not having sex--and plenty of it-- is a dealbreaker.

Being single again would suck but probably not as bad as the mess I'm in. It's going to take some work to get out of this as we combined investments to buy property and I just went back to school, which wiped out my savings.

What I am upset about (besides being in a sexless marriage) is getting deceived. He knew he didn't like sex before he started dating me.

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Crying

stop being annoying and stupid.

Was that to me? Wow your mean... well sorry, I guess if you hate me that much I'll leave, I didn't realize people hated me so much that I can only make 5 messages before they insult me...

I didn't say that.

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AoiYami

Sex as a compromise? For a sexual person, that is a sad consideration. I want to be desired, and for my husband to enjoy having sex with me! In the sexual world, sex is mutually desired. It feels terrible to find out that my partner--my husband--would prefer not to have sex at all. It's heartbreaking.

I would not be so devastated had he not pretended to be sexual until we married, and then abruptly stopped having sex with me. He makes a lot of excuses now, and sometimes picks fights or yells at me about "never thinking about anything else" to get out of having sex with me. Our honeymoon was sexless, and when I began to cry over his rejection, he dismissed it as "being silly". Since then, I have been pretty much ignored.

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

First it is possible for him to enjoy sex and have a libido. Second what do you expect out of him, most people are not very accepting of things like asexuality and many people do prefer to just pretend to be normal to get by. Three, So you're saying that a person can only love and want another person if they want to have and do have sex with said person? Well if so I guess that sucks for me... anyways getting back to the point. He may love and want you just as much as any other person but just not have sexual attraction. I kinda feel sorry for this husband of yours now since you keep acting like as if this means he doesn't love you and you sound like your going to break up with him because of the idea of not having sex.

What do I expect out of him? I did not expect to be treated like this , that's for sure. I expected a sexual marriage.

I am saying that this man does not love me or he wouldn't have deceived me, or want--that is, have sexual attraction for-- me.

Yes, the idea of not having sex--and plenty of it-- is a dealbreaker.

Being single again would suck but probably not as bad as the mess I'm in. It's going to take some work to get out of this as we combined investments to buy property and I just went back to school, which wiped out my savings.

What I am upset about (besides being in a sexless marriage) is getting deceived. He knew he didn't like sex before he started dating me.

Your reaction right now is probibly why he never told you

stop being annoying and stupid.

Was that to me? Wow your mean... well sorry, I guess if you hate me that much I'll leave, I didn't realize people hated me so much that I can only make 5 messages before they insult me...

I didn't say that.

Didn't say what?

could you be a bit less vague... otherwise I'm just going to have to assume you just hate me or something

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Lady Girl

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

You're married and entered into what one can reasonably assume is a sexual relationship, so he needs to take some accountability for that. I never get more angry than when my partner gets all "all you care about is sex!". There is no better relationship to expect sex in than a marriage. That's a big part of what marriage is for. You definitely have a right to feel upset, particularly since he's not even acknowledging his role in all this. That being said, you can't wish it away. Even if I were to say to you, in complete sincerity, that he is 100% wrong and you are 100% right, it doesn't actually change anything. I'm sorry, but your options are still to leave, compromise, or be celibate.

Here's my question for you...

My partner and I have sex about 4 times a year. I'm sure it would be zero times a year if it wasn't for my pushing. But, I have never felt unloved. I've rarely felt lonely.

So, my question is, what if you suddenly started having sex? Why do you assume that would improve your communication, feeling loved, etc?

People with an average sex life spend 0.06% of their time having sex. that means 99.4% of their time is spent not having sex.

So marrage is something that you do for sex? I thought otherwise but someone should start informing asexuals of this...

Marriage may not be something you do for sex, but I guarantee you that it is indeed on the list of expectations. My husband is asexual and he was not the least bit oblivious to that fact.

Unless you inform your partner that they are entering into a sexless relationship, I think even asexual people know that most sexual people want sex to be part of the arrangement.

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skullery

stop being annoying and stupid.

Was that to me? Wow your mean... well sorry, I guess if you hate me that much I'll leave, I didn't realize people hated me so much that I can only make 5 messages before they insult me...

Of course that was to you. No one said that people only get married for sex. But you had to go and derail a productive conversation by being an asshole and accusing us of bullshit that wasn't being said.

People assume sex will occur in marriage. Please, go tell all the teenage asexuals, STAT.

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AoiYami

If this is judging him, well, I guess I'm guilty. I'm also desperately lonely. How on earth would anybody think that this man loves and wants me?

You're married and entered into what one can reasonably assume is a sexual relationship, so he needs to take some accountability for that. I never get more angry than when my partner gets all "all you care about is sex!". There is no better relationship to expect sex in than a marriage. That's a big part of what marriage is for. You definitely have a right to feel upset, particularly since he's not even acknowledging his role in all this. That being said, you can't wish it away. Even if I were to say to you, in complete sincerity, that he is 100% wrong and you are 100% right, it doesn't actually change anything. I'm sorry, but your options are still to leave, compromise, or be celibate.

Here's my question for you...

My partner and I have sex about 4 times a year. I'm sure it would be zero times a year if it wasn't for my pushing. But, I have never felt unloved. I've rarely felt lonely.

So, my question is, what if you suddenly started having sex? Why do you assume that would improve your communication, feeling loved, etc?

People with an average sex life spend 0.06% of their time having sex. that means 99.4% of their time is spent not having sex.

So marrage is something that you do for sex? I thought otherwise but someone should start informing asexuals of this...
Marriage may not be something you do for sex, but I guarantee you that it is at the very least an expectation. My husband is asexual and he was not the least bit oblivious to that fact.

Unless you inform your partner that they are entering into a sexless relationship, I think even asexual people know that most sexual people want sex to be part of the arrangement.

People have a tendency to think that whatever they are/feel/experience is normal, so some asexuals thought that it was normal to not want sex and that people are blowing it out of porportion when they talk about it in public. It can take for some of us to look at this site before realizeing that sex is a big thing for sexuals.

stop being annoying and stupid.

Was that to me? Wow your mean... well sorry, I guess if you hate me that much I'll leave, I didn't realize people hated me so much that I can only make 5 messages before they insult me...
Of course that was to you. No one said that people only get married for sex. But you had to go and derail a productive conversation by being an asshole and accusing us of bullshit that wasn't being said.

People assume sex will occur in marriage. Please, go tell all the teenage asexuals, STAT.

Well what you said was kinda implying that sex is one of if not the only major reason to get married. Plus there is a little thing that hummans tend to do where they think that what they are/do/experience/ect is normal, so a lot of asexuals don't relize that sex is actually that much of a thing and that important...

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skullery

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

I see you are 19. How many times have you been married? How many of your close friends are married? Other than bald theories, what experience are you bringing to this conversation?

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AoiYami

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.

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skullery

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.

OH MY GOD I HATE AVEN. EVERY CONVERSATION TURNS INTO "TEACH THE TEENAGERS BASICS ABOUT LIFE".

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Crying

<<Your reaction right now is probibly why he never told you>>

Now that's rich. My reaction to his deception is why he chose to deceive me? Please!

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AoiYami

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.

OH MY GOD I HATE AVEN. EVERY CONVERSATION TURNS INTO "TEACH THE TEENAGERS BASICS ABOUT LIFE".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_projection_fallacy

People have a tendency to never talk about sex in public setting, leaving people to discover their sexuality and everything involving sex out all for themself. Apparently people are expected to be sooooooooo currious about it that they learn everything about it. Well if you have no thoughts about sex then why in the world are you expected to learn all about it when you don't care. Seriously where is your logic now. Also I may of replyed slightly sarcastically but your being rude and mean, I would appriciate it if you would stop that.

<<Your reaction right now is probibly why he never told you>>

Now that's rich. My reaction to his deception is why he chose to deceive me? Please!

Yes, because he was afraid of the rejection that you are showing him now. Although he probibly should of never dated you in the first place.

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Lady Girl

My husband didn't need this site to realize sex meant something to me that it didn't to him. The site gave us a word we hadn't heard before which explained his feelings, not the other way around.

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AoiYami

You know what fine, if you all have decided that don't matter what I say that I have to be wrong because you know people that are the other way around then so be it. It's not my fault that you can't understand anything you don't personally know. Seriously why do I bother with this site, this is the second thread that has turned to insult me.

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Crying

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.

OH MY GOD I HATE AVEN. EVERY CONVERSATION TURNS INTO "TEACH THE TEENAGERS BASICS ABOUT LIFE".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_projection_fallacy

People have a tendency to never talk about sex in public setting, leaving people to discover their sexuality and everything involving sex out all for themself. Apparently people are expected to be sooooooooo currious about it that they learn everything about it. Well if you have no thoughts about sex then why in the world are you expected to learn all about it when you don't care. Seriously where is your logic now. Also I may of replyed slightly sarcastically but your being rude and mean, I would appriciate it if you would stop that.

<<Your reaction right now is probibly why he never told you>>

Now that's rich. My reaction to his deception is why he chose to deceive me? Please!

Yes, because he was afraid of the rejection that you are showing him now. Although he probibly should of never dated you in the first place.T

That is so convoluted. Deception, fear-based or otherwise, is never ok.

We're not kids, BTW. We're both on second marriages. I was widowed or I still be with my first, very sexual husband.

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Lady Girl

I have to ask that we keep our posts civil. I would hate to lock this thread. Let's try to get back to the OP and talk about her situation for now. If we need to talk about why people (sexual and asexual both) are here, let's start a new topic. Thanks everyone.

Lady Girl, Moderator

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AoiYami

That's not really true. If it was, we wouldn't all be in the situation where our partners had sex with us until marriage. Our partners are well aware that sex is expected.

How do you know that those people didn't just eventually finnaly figure out that sexuals find sex to be extreemly important? Also just because some people have/experience/think/whatever one thing does not mean that its true for all people.

OH MY GOD I HATE AVEN. EVERY CONVERSATION TURNS INTO "TEACH THE TEENAGERS BASICS ABOUT LIFE".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_projection_fallacy

People have a tendency to never talk about sex in public setting, leaving people to discover their sexuality and everything involving sex out all for themself. Apparently people are expected to be sooooooooo currious about it that they learn everything about it. Well if you have no thoughts about sex then why in the world are you expected to learn all about it when you don't care. Seriously where is your logic now. Also I may of replyed slightly sarcastically but your being rude and mean, I would appriciate it if you would stop that.

<<Your reaction right now is probibly why he never told you>>

Now that's rich. My reaction to his deception is why he chose to deceive me? Please!

Yes, because he was afraid of the rejection that you are showing him now. Although he probibly should of never dated you in the first place.T
That is so convoluted. Deception, fear-based or otherwise, is never ok.

We're not kids, BTW. We're both on second marriages. I was widowed or I still be with my first, very sexual husband.

Wow you refuse to even think about my points, you seriously think that your so much smarter and better then me that I just have to be wrong. Well I don't see you bringing up any logic to explain your side, all you say is that it just has to be so. You know what I give up on you, I feel sorry for your husband but I am obviously not going to get through to you.

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Lady Girl

We're not kids, BTW. We're both on second marriages. I was widowed or I still be with my first, very sexual husband.

Wow you refuse to even think about my points, you seriously think that your so much smarter and better then me that I just have to be wrong. Well I don't see you bringing up any logic to explain your side, all you say is that it just has to be so. You know what I give up on you, I feel sorry for your husband but I am obviously not going to get through to you.

This forum is often for support of sexual partners trying to understand what is happening in their relationships and sometimes venting and being listened to is what they need.

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