Rant: I can't cuddle (deep and long)

[Tommiboy13]

So I'm in a somewhat relationship with another asexual (though my bet is on demi or sex-repulsed) and he's very affectionate and wants to hold hands (which I don't mind and actually like) and hug (too much is too much). I know that he wants to be more affectionate even though he won't say because he's afraid of pressuring me. I wish I could do that and not feel bad. When I get too close to him I get this bad feeling in my stomach and my toes clench. But the problem wouldn't be so awful if I didn't have a romantic desire to cuddle with him. I think its a nice way to show affection and I feel there is nothing bad in it, but I know as soon as I get that close I'm gonna regret it. Even when I try to "practice" with my best friend (no romantic interest possible), the same thing happens. It's so annoying.

The feeling is hard to explain too. It's like fear mixed with anxiety mixed with general uneasyness right in the middle of my stomach like a knot. And it lingers too. Most times when it gets bad it stays bad for at least half-an-hour, but I try not to show it. It stays at the front of my mind too. I've tried to just consider it sex-repulsed (because cuddling can lead to it), but then I consider that I get the same feeling with my best friend of 6 years which could not be sex-repulsion. But also it is more intimate things; like I can lay over someone's legs or use their back as a pillow (and vice-versa) and be fine with it, but I can't lean on someone's shoulder or hug them for too long.

I do desire affection now and then. I love holding hands, but with too much slow rubbing of the fingers the feeling pops up. I know its not arousal; I know what that feels like. I want to cuddle and I imagine myself cuddling, but I know that it will get bad if I attempt. I must confess, one reason I want to cuddle is probably because I like how he smells.

I know that baby-steps is the right approach, but I also am scared for where it would take the relationship (I said I think he's demi or sex-repulsed). We're still young with our futures ahead of us, there's some family issues with him getting into an official relationship (religious values [relationship = leading to marriage = later in life]; that's why he's my somewhat-boyfriend), and pretty soon we're gonna be separated for a while. I don't trust the whole long-distance-relationship thing because anything but in person hangouts seems unreal to me. Therefore I'm scared that if I find I like it, it will make the separation worse. Also, I don't want him getting any unwanted sexual feelings.

Anywho, I mentioned to him that when I told someone about our awkward-inbetween relationship she thought I was gonna say that he kissed me, and how I told her that I'd have to master cuddling first before I let him get that close to me. He then said "So you're gonna try cuddling?". I know he wants to cuddle and I should not be pressured to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, which he told me not to try if I'm uncomfortable, but the problem is I wish I was okay with it and I want to be okay with it.

UGGGG LIFE!

I would love comments, feedback, advice, inspiration, similar rants, etc. Part of the therapy was just laying it all out for others to comment on : )

[mrmarbles]

I have an anxiety disorder, and it has held me back from having any intimacy occur in my life. the way i counter my anxiety is by first recognizing when i am having physical or mental symptoms. Then i generally start using relaxation techniques that focus on physical symptoms. i recommend Relaxed breathing and Progressive muscle relaxation. google for instructions. Then I focus on my mentality and i identify what thoughts i am having that might be making me anxious. Then i disprove the thought.(this can be difficult to do, and is easier with a pen and paper approach of writing the thought and listing reasons the thought is faulty)

i.e. i have a thought like "this is going too fast, this means too much." I realize it is an anxious thought. Then i think "oh wait, we've been dating for 3 months already, this is actually a rather slow pace to take things." problem solved, i am relaxed. 2) "if we do this, i am gonna get anxious and it's going to be awkward" i realize i am showing an anxious symptom. then i think "i don't know how i'm going to feel, why am i concerned about my future forecast, no one can tell the future."

I don't recommend using a "safe place" in your mind or any other kind of distraction to deal with anxiety. your brain doesn't forget how it feels when you think back on a moment, so feeling anxious is not the emotion you want to end a moment with by escaping to some hideout. You will find yourself reliving anxious moments all the time.

[Amoeba-Proteus]

Kind of sounds like me...
I recently started suspecting I'm not aromantic like I thought, but possibly demiromantic. I had only been in one relationship in my life, as there was only one person I'd ever had even slight interest in. As of recently, I started feeling like I cared about a good friend a little more than I'd prefer to. After a lot of debate, I finally broke down and talked to them about it. Turns out the feelings are mutual, and I'm not really sure where to go from there. I generally HATE caring or liking someone like that. I get the same kind of feeling. I wouldn't describe it as fear, but it's this weird knot in my stomach that makes me feel almost sick...
While discussing all of this, they reached out and I thought I'd try taking their hand. Instant sickness. I like to describe it as a sort of 'stovetop reflex', like something in me is telling me I need to let go instantly. I held on anyways, and ended up incredibly tense. I've never been in any abusive relationship or have any reason to feel that way, it just happens. It's weird. They had let go at one point and said that they could feel how tense I was, and didn't want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. I was curious how long it would take to get that stovetop reflex to calm. It took holding on and talking for probably about an hour before the tension finally started to ease.

It's always been like that though. The feeling of caring makes me incredibly sick and uncomfortable, and physical contact makes me tense and gives me that 'stovetop reflex'. In the case of this friend, it'd be nice if those tense feelings would calm down, but they linger. Thankfully they're really understanding and accepting about my asexuality, repulsion, etc...

I weird thing we found too: After holding one hand and the tension FINALLY calmed down, if I held the other one, it would suddenly come back. Even though it was the same person. Just the other hand. How weird is that...

[Tommiboy13]

I have an anxiety disorder, and it has held me back from having any intimacy occur in my life. the way i counter my anxiety is by first recognizing when i am having physical or mental symptoms. Then i generally start using relaxation techniques that focus on physical symptoms. i recommend Relaxed breathing and Progressive muscle relaxation. google for instructions. Then I focus on my mentality and i identify what thoughts i am having that might be making me anxious. Then i disprove the thought.(this can be difficult to do, and is easier with a pen and paper approach of writing the thought and listing reasons the thought is faulty)

i.e. i have a thought like "this is going too fast, this means too much." I realize it is an anxious thought. Then i think "oh wait, we've been dating for 3 months already, this is actually a rather slow pace to take things." problem solved, i am relaxed. 2) "if we do this, i am gonna get anxious and it's going to be awkward" i realize i am showing an anxious symptom. then i think "i don't know how i'm going to feel, why am i concerned about my future forecast, no one can tell the future."

I don't recommend using a "safe place" in your mind or any other kind of distraction to deal with anxiety. your brain doesn't forget how it feels when you think back on a moment, so feeling anxious is not the emotion you want to end a moment with by escaping to some hideout. You will find yourself reliving anxious moments all the time.

Thanks for the advice : ) I'll try that next time. I don't really get many thoughts beside "I want to hug him but I know I'll tense up", but I never thought of disproving them.

I held on anyways, and ended up incredibly tense. I've never been in any abusive relationship or have any reason to feel that way, it just happens. It's weird.

I weird thing we found too: After holding one hand and the tension FINALLY calmed down, if I held the other one, it would suddenly come back. Even though it was the same person. Just the other hand. How weird is that...

I've also thought before that this repulsion was similar to abused people, but I have no recollection of anything happening. Though I'm also sex-repulsed and use to be terrified of older guys (weird right?). It just is that way, so i get what you're saying.

I've tried leaning on him before when I realized I did have this problem, and it was worse when he moved around or readjusted : P