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  2. anisotrophic

    What's in a Name

    selecting names for children is tough too. can't avoid it. spent many hours deliberating. (well, mostly for the first one.) for my own name change I just lopped off a bunch of letters to make a less-gendered nickname / new name, classic enby style. (my birthname / deadname is very gendered.) the nickname route made it easy to get folks to switch over, but the lack of dramatic change can also mean they don't take the gender identity seriously. (of course, many many things can mean people don't take gender identity seriously.) my mom said she didn't like it, but she doesn't like a lot of things. oh well.
  3. Memento1

    Cheating ex reached out to me

    As others have said, there is no should. We can't make this decision for you. If you only feel you should respond because it's the polite thing to do, he's given you a complete pass on needing to reply. It sounds like writing to you is helping him identify and work through his feelings. If you feel writing back would help you identify yours, it may be helpful. If you write back, do it because you think it will help YOU, not him. If you think you're more likely to fall into old bad habits or dredge up bitterness, don't. If you feel you'll get triggered by further correspondence, give yourself a pass to focus on your own emotional healing.
  4. That's a good way to put it. It's an experience I'm supposed to have, that's supposed to be fundamental to the human experience, and supposed to be important in order to relate to other people, especially other men. Just never seemed all that important to me. So I kept putting it off; oh, I'll start seriously trying to date once I finish college; oh, I'll start once I land a decent job; oh, I'll start once I'm doing this or that. But secretly, I was always just content with my status quo. Well, the body image issue with me isn't the scars or even the weight as much as the mobility limitations. Like, I know from life experience osmosis that the first time is always awkward and clumsy, and with my back, it'd be even more so, and with my age even more so. And the thought of forcing someone I cared about to deal with that just fills me with anxiety. Definitely, yeah. I've been actively exploring this possibility for less than a day. Go Team Disorganized Idealists! Partially it's the "joke to society" thing, partially it's a fear of coming across as weird and off-putting for not having had that shared experience. The scene where he describes breasts as bags of sand and everyone just looks at him like he's insane really stuck with me. Like, what fundamental parts of the human experience am I so in the dark about that I don't even know I'm in the dark about them? Dang it, I was hoping strangers on the internet could solve all of my issues for me! Joking (I hope that was obvious), but I'll take that under advisement, particularly the assertive communication stuff. I'm definitely a bit of a pushover. And on being less of a weird internet hermit. This is actually the first time I've ever reached out to an online group like this. If nothing else, adopting the label might stop my friends from trying to hook me up with any single women who enter their social orbits.
  5. Neutral Charge

    For 30-somethings and those around that age

    this made me laugh, a evil laugh! =)))
  6. AM42


    Welcome! 🍰 A lot of what you've written applies to me as well: asexual, agender, just recently joined here but have known about it for some time. Feel free to chat if you want 😊 I don't know any aces in real life either.
  7. TheAPparition

    Red, Green, Blue, RAINBOW GOATS!

    Three blues.
  8. Hoots

    Cheating ex reached out to me

    He's reminiscing a relationship through fond memories. Which is something everyone does after a relationship. I wouldn't respond or take action just yet. Wait until you've gathered your thoughts of what to do about this situation and then proceed. However there's always a chance that there is no ill-intent in his email. Opposite intentions are also true. To me, he seems like he just wants to reconnect in a way and perhaps just remain friends. Remember that you are not required to do anything. If you feel as though leaving him on "read" is the best option for you, then do that.
  9. bluedragonwings

    For 30-somethings and those around that age

    Don’t trust anyone over 30 Wiser. More like wise ass.
  10. Yeah, people always come here wanting a diagnosis. Will I be this way forever, or can I change? The more important question is why do you want to change? What do you want to do RIGHT NOW and why? Why are you terrified of becoming the 40-year old virgin? Because he's a joke to society? Don't have sex to avoid embarrassment - that's a guaranteed way to hate it. The take-away I got from The 40-Year Old Virgin? Don't hide how you feel - let friends know. The people who care and are worthy will understand, be patient, and not push you. More than wanting sex, they want to feel close to you. And the more anxiety you build up and try to push through, the more you sabotage yourself. The bigger issue than whether you're asexual or not is how you feel about yourself. Work on your anxiety and shame issues, and the whole question on whether you fit a label will matter less. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm INFJ so I can totally relate to those feelings of being misunderstood, ostracized, and super sensitive. For me, I made little progress sitting at home and worrying. I had to DO something about it: talk to friends about my feelings, talk to a counselor, journal, learn about and practice mindfulness and assertive communication, seek out different perspectives. I have no patience nowadays for "advice" that is all what not to do: don't be so sensitive, don't take it personally, stop thinking that way, stop being late. It doesn't tell you what to do instead. Overly generalized advice on what to do is also pretty useless: be more assertive, have a better attitude, just state your feelings, just stand there, get in touch with your body. I look for detailed, step-by-step instructions for how to build a new skill. Like this guide to assertive communication. Not all detailed advice is helpful or correct. Gather many and try to synthesize them into something that works for you. I really had to try hard to not self-isolate: I learned tips I didn't even know I needed by sharing my journey with others. As an added bonus, people are super attracted to self-confidence. I also discovered I had a bit of a sexual side when I learned how to stand up for myself and set up barriers, and be completely okay with NOT being sexual. Sometimes it can help to take on a label if it gives you self-confidence, if it aligns with how you feel right now and you want to embrace that, and later you discover that label doesn't fit you anymore or is too restrictive. If it helps you, do it! It doesn't mean you've figured yourself out, it means you're on the journey to figuring yourself out.
  11. I like kisses as long as they're not too wet. That just grosses me out. Now that I think of it, there does seem to be a more sexual element to kisses that use a lot of tongue and spit. What do you guys think?
  12. Hoots


    First status update. Better make it special.




    I'll post this gif


  13. Droopy615

    Older married asexuals?

    49 years old, married for 10 years, no kids. Figured out I was ace a month ago (it came up as a side journey as part of therapy). I have not told my wife. We don’t have sex very often 2-3 times a year—at her request). I am very comfortable with PDA, hand holding, kissing, cuddling etc. But sex with her is, for me just about trying to give her the best experience I can. I’m pretty sure we will talk about it, she is a psychologist herself, and I think she will know something is up, particularly after I figure out my own specifics
  14. DuranDuranfan

    What's in a Name

    This reminds me of those episodes of Star Trek Voyager with the EMH trying to decide on a name.
  15. OutsidersEyes

    The Lost Sexuality Game

    Borderlands, just mess up like I did and drop your sexuality when you meant to drop that useless gun. And then a Skag ate it. TPBM lost their sexuality trying to do parkour.
  16. Topi

    Red, Green, Blue, RAINBOW GOATS!

    One more blue is never too much.
  17. daveb

    Help Dealing with Coworkers ProGun Beliefs

    Yeah, some conversations are just better to avoid if possible.
  18. Today
  19. Duketor Memphenstein

    Apparently I picked the right week to start asking questions?

    I have a friend from high school with rods attached to her spine and is heavier-set with scar tissue and genetic bulk, and she's in a very happy relationship that's good for her, so that shouldn't be much of a concern for you if you're looking for a relationship. If you're not looking for a relationship, that's perfectly okay. Being in a relationship isn't the best thing for everyone. It sounds like you still have some thinking, introspection, and accepting to do, so it would be good to make sure your head's clear enough to decide before you slap labels on yourself. Also, ENFP here. Like you, but with more extroversion.
  20. Tasha the demi squirrel

    Red, Green, Blue, RAINBOW GOATS!

    Keeping our victory with another blue 💎
  21. OutsidersEyes

    For 30-somethings and those around that age

    30's isn't old at all, but I get it. At 29 I could be an 'older ace' when there are so many teens/early 20's aces.
  22. Laurann

    What's in a Name

    I've never really liked my name either. It's a name, and I guess it's fine as a name, it's not ugly or anything, and I do react to it (like when someone says it when I'm engrossed in a book or something, I'll hear them and look up), but it's just not really mine. It's a common name, and I know a lot of people with the same name, so it never felt like it belonged to me. That's the excuse I use for why I don't like my name to some people I'm not out to. That's partially true. But also, I dislike my name to the point that I'd be uncomfortable sharing it here, because it doesn't represent me, and I don't want you guys to associate it with me (please don't start guessing at what it is). I kinda get this internal mini-cringe reaction every time I hear someone say it (same as with pronouns), and that's because it's too feminine and just not me, not because it's too common of a name. I have a name I'd strongly prefer being called, but I can't. I major in Sinology, which means I study the Chinese language, but also history, anthropology, economy, etcetera. First year's students get assigned a Chinese name by our Chinese/Taiwanese teachers to use during class. By some sort of miracle, I was assigned a masculine leaning unisex name that's close to my legal name, with a beautiful meaning that suits who I am, that doesn't sound like a half-assed translation of a western name to Chinese people, and that ends in an 'n' (I love names that end in an 'n'). I don't know which of my teachers thought of that name for me, but if I find out someday, I'll have to thank them profusely. I react to this name more strongly than to my legal name. It feels like my name, and not just like a name that people use to refer to me. But I can't make people who don't speak Chinese refer to me with that name, because it's really hard to pronounce and people butcher the hell out of it, and also, it wouldn't feel right to be using a Chinese name because, for one, that's awkward, and for two, I'm still white, and ya know, cultural appropriation and stuff. It's 朗然 (Lǎngrán) by the way, but it's also in my profile picture, so I guess that wasn't a surprise. When I told my parents and siblings that that's my Chinese name, they were like "Long run? Well, maybe in the long run we'll get used to that name :p." My dad said: "What? Laoren?" (老人 Lǎorén = old person) and I was like "Never mind, please don't call me that 0.0" I haven't told them that I prefer my Chinese name over my legal name. It feels kind of disrespectful, you know? Like, " Hey, I know you spent forever reading through name-booklets to decide on a name for me, but the one my Chinese teacher came up with in 5 minutes feels more mine, even though I've only been using it for a couple of years, as opposed to the one you gave me, which I've used forever, so now I'm using that new one that you can't even pronounce, okay? Bye!" It's like telling them "Actually, you don't really know me." It's just my own brain that makes an issue out of this though. They'd be completely fine with me changing my name. 'Laurann' is an approximation of 朗然, but it's still too feminine for my liking. Sometimes people read it and think 'dude,' but most of the time they read it and think 'girl,' and I've kind of started to dislike it for that reason. So yeah. I need to come up with something else, but no western approximation of my name will sound as mine as 朗然 does. So it's going to be kind of meh regardless. I feel like I've been spoiled with this cool-ass perfect name, and now that I have to give up on it, I don't want to settle for less anymore, so I'm kind of stuck with the legal name that I don't like at all.. My disconnect from my legal name has had one positive effect, I don't care when people butcher it. I studied in China for a year and met people from all over the world, and they all pronounced my name differently, however it was pronounced in their language. While other people really cared that their international friends pronounced their name right, I was more like "Oh that's how you pronounce it in Italian? Sure, call me that! Why not. I'll collect all the different versions." People would ask me "How do you pronounce your name in Dutch?" and I'd say "Just do whatever man."
  23. OutsidersEyes


    I really haven't. For one thing I'm out of school and I'm not sure what's around for my age group, especially in my semi-rural area.
  24. Just maybe, to those on here who do it across this forum, if you focused more on encouraging a discussion rather than nitpicking as small specifics of a persons writing or experience you would have more of a community and less of people joining a forum seeking inclusivity and leaving feeling more alienated (and more like they can't discuss their experiences because of wording etc.) - and there's a good deal of that.
  25. I only came on here to change email preferences as I've quit the site but keep getting notifications. I really don't care that much, I thought it was an interesting discussion but some people both on here and in PMs were more interested in how something was worded than the actual point at hand, before I deleted it, which included my own experiences of being put in situations and having to compromise aspects of myself to make others happy. But I've seen that quite a bit on here, and it narrows the opportunity for discussion if rather than paying attention to the broader message or question when you generally know what the person is trying to convey, you focus on a couple of words and take those words literally. Also, considering this is an awareness and education forum, there's an awful lot of saying other peoples' experiences and opinions are wrong or do not fit in to certain categories. I don't know, get a grip and learn how to think. Anyway, just don't want anyone wasting their time writing a response to a dead topic.
  26. daveb

    Feedback for Staff Elections/Volunteering

    That's what I meant about welcoming input. Sometimes they remember stuff about precedent and policy that current mods might not remember or might not even have encountered before. I don't think they say stuff along the lines of "I'd warn".
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