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  2. In previous relationship: 1) Didn't try, had no interest. Upfront & honest from week 1 of relationship. 2) Be completely in the moment, enjoy it & to check they're having a good time too. 3) Over time, you learn to work out what different kisses mean. Manage expectations early on, discuss how & what each of you are willing to negotiate / compromise. Having this discussion mid-way takes away the fun of the spontaneity of it but important if it's the first kiss. This was my first relationship & it lasted 10+ years. I left when it turned out they were less than honest. I requested no-contact, blocked them on WhatsApp & removed them from my social media. After a few weeks/months, they respected my wishes. I have odd moments where I wonder why they stayed if they knew they needed different types of sex. It has put me off of relationships with allos since.
  3. ThePoint

    Leadership?

    I find this very weird indeed. I don't think putting people into one bag is very effective. I personally always felt like I was born a leader. My belief of what leadership is supposed to be is best described by Max de Pree: I think that everyone has different talents and the job of a leader is their optimal exploitation. Finding these in people and allocating them to appropriate tasks is something I like to believe I am good at. I'm not really the stereotypical charismatic type, however. I'm more of a strategist, who has a vision and a plan, and would rather direct people "from the shadows". Daodejing says it best: I'm bad at direct leadership. I used to work as a low level manager and I didn't enjoy that in the slightest. First of all, I'm an introvert and I don't like talking to people most of the time. I'm also rather bad at making people understand what I say. For that I like to have an assistant leader who deals with all the social crap. In my current volunteering project I have a person like this and the cooperation is just great. But in the professional setting I'm done with leadership, it's just not for me after all. I'm a problem solver and there are more suited roles for that than management. So do we all need to be leaders? Certainly not.
  4. Janus DarkFox

    An interesting website

    Good find, I think it’s already known around the boards over the years, sounds familiar. Moved to World Watch Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator
  5. Janus DarkFox

    Asexuality and young HA survivors

    Surviving something life or death and a spell of acute pain could cause a person to think real differently often in terms of any life area, some don’t as I’ve seen. I’ve heard from more distant family and my boyfriend survived a heart attack aged just 30. That prompted him to make a serious proactive choice getting a gastric sleeve and lose 15 stone of weight. They never thought so much about relationships before that point but that was the defining switch to at least attempt to enjoy some sexuality, even if it is limited to fetishes. That event, scared everyone as the family has long histories of heart attack death. Though opposite is true in my own family, having an aunt, suffering from blood clots, heart attacks, strokes, COPD and lung cancer because of heavy smoking... Still smokes like 30 a day and vapes at 65. Some just never learn to change despite the countless scares, treatments, surgeries. Though my aunt has a habit of sensationalising half truths, most in family don’t believe it.
  6. heavens000

    Hobbies/collections/interests, etc!

    I understand you so much... And the best thing is that I'm earnign money from it.
  7. I'll just leave this here...
  8. I'mTheDecoy

    Bad Eye Sight Club

    I do wish I had 20/20 vision just because glasses can get in the way - terrible in the rain, and then steaming up, having to remember to switch from normal to sunglasses, keeping them clean and in working order, and as my eyesight changes having to remove them now to read up close. Also I have had ones in the past that cut my face so I switched design and the ones I have now are too loose and fall off a lot which is a real pain. Also looking at old photos, small glasses really do no suit me at all. Glad big glasses came back into fashion! Tried contact lenses once. Horrendous experience. Not worth the stress.
  9. Hey everyone, I've sorta recently just left a relationship where I was poorly treated, like neglected. This guy would barely show any consideration, affection of any sort e.t.c. and would barely make any time for me. So I had broke things off after a couple of disappointing years with him. I was under the impression that I had wanted physical affection like hugs, cuddles, kisses and e.t.c. Before I had broken up i had started to see a psychologist as i thought something was wrong with me for the way he was treating me. She helped me through the last legs of that relationship, and after a few weeks had passed after breaking up with him she had noticed some behaviors that aligned with having high functioning autism. She had ended up diagnosing me confirming some of my feelings and suspisions about some of my behaviors (such as not having a strong desire to be social, having bad social anxiety, having a strong need for alone time e.t.c.). A fair bit after that I start talking to a guy and we get together. All of a sudden he seems to wanna touch me more and be affectionate and such, and mind you I do really like this guy's personality and find it attractive and since I'm a demisexual I don't have a sexual attraction yet as we don't have a close bond yet, I dunno if that sexual attraction could come as it's very rare for me. Like that previous relationship was the only serious relationship I've had, and I had sort of developed a sexual attraction it was kind of on the weaker side. Sometimes I can develop a deep emotional bond with a fictional character that I can find sexually appealing after being really familiar with them. Anyways, now that the tables have turned. (As usually I would develop a crush on the other person and pursue them first). This guy is a 180 from the previous guy. I'm very confused about my feelings. I'm not too comfortable of the sudden change of touching and i'm honestly unsure about where I stand with physical affection.. it might be too early to tell or it could be due to my autistic tendencies of not wanting to be touched, I just feel very unsure about how I should go. I'm wavering weather I'm demiromantic or I just feel uncomfortable form bad experiences.. I have also noticed that I am very repulsed when I see PDA of any kind. I sort of feel I wouldn't mind myself but I'm honestly not sure... I plan to mention this to my psychologist when I see her next.
  10. I’ll move this to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations as kissing or making out can be done a/romantically Janus DarkFox Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator
  11. Today
  12. I can only recommend honesty. It sounds like you are in a kind of QPR and therefore no shame in being in love. But if you are to continue either as friends or partners, then you need to be on the same page as each other regarding what the future holds and how much intimacy each is okay with.
  13. wood_pots

    Asexual dating

    Hello Marty1962! It's a car crash. I was on ace dating sites for 2 years. The guys I talked to don't want to go outside (pre-covid, I'm talking), no drive in life, boring, no conversation skills, no creativity. 😅 It was worth a try though. No doubt someone will come along and say I have not had these experiences and they somehow know better, but I'll leave that to you.
  14. ER2742

    Word association game

    Riddler
  15. I'mTheDecoy

    Another U.K. newbie here! Hello!

    Hi and welcome! I'm glad that you have people in your family who understand and I'm really sorry that your husband doesn't at the moment. The relief of discovering that you aren't 'broken' is wonderful and freeing, and hopefully with learning more about the subject, your husband might come to understand too? There is a forum on here called 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies' which might be of help. A lot of other people have gone or are going through a similar experience to you and hopefully they'll be able to offer you some support and/or advice.
  16. PetalsOnTheShamrock

    Seeking Feedback - a "sex plan" for saving my marriage to a sexual partner

    @anisotrophic - amazing comic!! It perfectly encapsulated how exasperated I feel when I'm asked "just tell me what I can do to help" and I think to myself.... it's more work to figure out what to tell you to do than to do it myself!! I don't have a full mental catalogue already in my head in every moment planned out, it's intuitive and make it happen as I go. Or the rare times when my partner unloads the dishwasher often there are things he doesn't know where they go, so he just leaves them on the counter..... it's like what?? (1) Why can't you take 3min and open cabinets until you figure out where the thing should do? (2) we moved in 3 years ago, how do you not know where things are? (3) this is why I included you in deciding what went where when I was unpacking, and then afterwards I gave you a "tour" of the kitchen! I've observed, and participated in, probably dozens of conversations with other women on this topic over the years... some are "jokes", some are serious. Nothing sums it up so well and works it end-to-end. After reading it I asked one of my male friend's for his perspective. He actually had already read it! I asked him how "obvious" it was to him when he first read it - he said about 80% (specifically noting he hadn't been thinking about the parental leave thing), but he went on to say he feels that's not typical. That he had thought/observed a lot of this stuff before but likely significantly more than other men in his opinion. He attributed to it to growing with empowered women, the fact his father was pretty involved with household life so when we went to friend's houses it was notable that other fathers weren't, and general empathy (I plus 1 that, he's high on EI/empathy scale). When I have conversations like that, it makes me even more aware of the importance of "is this the father, this the family I want to build?" - someone's childhood experiences makes such a huge impact on who they become as a person, and how they interact and empathize with others. It's really unfortunate that your partner doesn't "get" it. I imagine how frustrating, and lonely that must feel. The idea of being trapped. As much as I want kids, I've just "known" that it would make things so much worse even though I never talked to anyone. It sounds like we're similar with stage in our life - career-wise as well as the "decade and a half married".... and the whole "surrounded by everybody not in it"..... and my heart really goes out to you. I'm so sorry @anisotrophic I'm fortunate to not be suicidal now, but when I was in HS w/ the abuse I was and had a failed attempt. Feeling trapped and hopeless is so dangerous, so I'm REALLY HAPPY to hear you're optimistic, and this is what you're working on with your partner to change! 🙌❤️ I've seen the same thing. I think I got pretty lucky on my timing around the kid thing because at first I was super career-focused and so in my mid twenties I was actively anti-kids because I was thinking about it as an "about 30" thing. And I was lucky that I happened to be very successful... though that first job it was so male-dominated that I was the only woman in my entire department, and typically I didn't even interact with other women daily, except for admins. I left that job at 28 and moved to a job where I was fortunate to have lots of choice of where to go, so picked one that the VP of my department was a woman. She was the CEO's "right hand man". I know lots of people would judge me for using that as a big deciding factor, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . In that job I had her, eTeam leader of a technical department, and the most senior director under her was also a woman. I reported to a man, but I ended up becoming very close the the senior director as friends and then close with the VP as a mentor. Both of them had difficult with kids/work so I learned a lot. The sr director especially, whom had gone through a really horrible divorce and was in a constant battle with her ex over her daughter. So I was both actively warned, and observed, that I shouldn't consider adding kids into the equation until I was 100% happy & unenthusiastic about my relationship with my partner. So in the meantime, I've been focusing on my career. Thinking "I still have time"..... and hoping that perhaps if I gain enough success before having my first kid, it may help a bit on the work friction front since I'll be less in "prove myself to everybody mode". In a pipedream kind of way, I've also been hoping that if I gain enough success now, then perhaps when I do have kids, my partner will be able to stay home and be the primary care giver. It's not crazy - I'm doing well career-wise so it may be possible financially. And my husband doesn't enjoy work, he just works to earn a paycheck, so if the economics were there, he'd do it. But..... um...... well...... I've already talked about my doubts on that front that's the reason I'm calling it a pipedream.
  17. TurnedTurtle

    Question for sexual people

    I do want to add that "having sex" with my asexual wife, when she agrees to it, is not the worst thing in the world, far from it. But it is a conundrum: since she will never initiate, she doesn't get the opportunity to give the gift of making love to me (nor I to receive it) unless I ask her to do something I know that she does not really want to do, which I am reluctant to do out of my love and respect for her. (I know you all get it...) As to genitals, they are both gross and disgusting, and also totally fascinating -- at least those of the opposite sex, and especially so when they are aroused...
  18. Someone Else

    Somewhat unhopeful about the dating thing

    Okcupid has changed recently, almost forcing you to pay or play their matching double take. For instance, I could have a dozen messages waiting for me, but I haven't seen them because I didn't yet randomly "like" the people who sent them, so the messages remain invisible. It's really bad.
  19. Paychobabbler

    Another U.K. newbie here! Hello!

    Hi everyone, I’m Ali, 50, and have been married to my hubby for 30 years this August. I’d just like to begin by saying that I can’t tell you how happy I am to have found this place! I’m writing this through floods of tears because after decades of having zero sex drive or sexual feeling towards my husband, I have come to the realisation that I’m not “broken”, and that being the way I am is just Who I Am. I love my husband dearly and I have always thought I showed him how much I love him, but after years and years of the same arguments about me not “proving” it and as he says my “choosing to not” show him my love for him. I’ve finally told him that I’m asexual. Sadly, he can’t understand it and says he could understand if I were gay, but he believes I make a conscious choice to not touch him - even though I have tried to explain time and again that this isn’t something I choose to not do, it’s just that my brain literally has no switch that tells me to go grab his ass or feel him up. I have always believed I demonstrated my love for him but he insists on proof and for him that can only be physical. He says I can see how much pain he’s in and I choose NOT to ease that pain and because this issue has been ongoing for probably 25 years, he thinks that I don’t find him attractive and nothing I tell him will change his mind. We have 2 daughters 27 & 23 (who currently both live with us) and yesterday after me coming out to them, they both said that they too identify as Aromantic and ACE. It’s wonderful having them understand, but my husbands feels we “gang up” against him all the time anyway, so I can’t tell him that they are like me too. Sorry to offload such a mammoth load of baggage on my Hello post, but it kind of spilled out of me and it’s good to at least write this all down, even if I can’t get my OH to understand. I don’t know if there’s anyone here who is in a similar marriage boat as I, but I’m really happy to be here and I look forward to getting to know you! X
  20. To be honest, when I look at the below graph, I think they totally did this on purpose. (Note these are total deaths and it seems even more suspicious if you consider that China's population is about twice that of Europe, or nearly the same as Europe and both Americas combined.)
  21. Marty1962

    Asexual dating

    What a horror, has anyone tried it? I'm open to a new relationship - non sexual so I'm on some asexual dating sites. I think the sites are for people who have died or are impotent for health reasons rather than true asexual. I've started a few conversations, they haven't replied for many months and when they do it's one line, nobody wants to meet up just talk online once in a blue moon. I don't do talking for months online, I do meeting up so I don't waste months on someeone who is clearly unsuitable so I like to meet up quick but this apparently isn't on, they all run away and I never hear from them again. The ones I've spoken too all seem to have no motivation whatsoever to do anything, I may have no sex drive but I have life drive, I want to go out, do things, get on at work, go to festivals whatever. i don't think I'd get any of this lot out of their rooms. What's wrong with everyone?
  22. My family think it's a "phase". I'm 58 and I don't have phases. They think asexuality is rubbish and I've just hit the menopause, I was asexual loooong before the menopause. None of them are having it, I find it quite disrespectful. Younger people are much more open but I wouldn't discuss this with my son, we don't discuss things like that.
  23. ThePoint

    Afterlife Importance

    In my observation, many more people believe in afterlife for the sake of others, than for their own. That is, they miss their deceased loved ones and hope that they are now in a "better place". Some religious scholars claim that humans were practising burial for religious reasons (i.e. suggesting belief in an afterlife of some sort) up to 100k years ago. If you ask me, I find this fairly likely. They must have thought that "if mom is not here, she must have gone somewhere else", especially if they were later "visited" in their dreams. As someone else mentioned earlier, sleep and death look very alike and would likely even more so for primitive people. However it probably wasn't until many thousands years later that mysticism has flourished and people began to experience different states of mind that they have interpreted as afterlife and this idea of paradise could really take off.
  24. Mz Terry

    The Banning Game!

    Banned for pushing Ted to one side for a cabbage patch doll.
  25. Ace_liv

    Quickly, Before They See!

    7
  26. Thanks for your opinions. Yes, please! I guess that could be really helpful. Thank you 🙂
  27. Chalce

    Chalce

     

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