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  2. I can only recommend honesty. It sounds like you are in a kind of QPR and therefore no shame in being in love. But if you are to continue either as friends or partners, then you need to be on the same page as each other regarding what the future holds and how much intimacy each is okay with.
  3. wood_pots

    Asexual dating

    Hello Marty1962! It's a car crash. I was on ace dating sites for 2 years. The guys I talked to don't want to go outside (pre-covid, I'm talking), no drive in life, boring, no conversation skills, no creativity. 😅 It was worth a try though. No doubt someone will come along and say I have not had these experiences and they somehow know better, but I'll leave that to you.
  4. I'mTheDecoy

    Another U.K. newbie here! Hello!

    Hi and welcome! I'm glad that you have people in your family who understand and I'm really sorry that your husband doesn't at the moment. The relief of discovering that you aren't 'broken' is wonderful and freeing, and hopefully with learning more about the subject, your husband might come to understand too? There is a forum on here called 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies' which might be of help. A lot of other people have gone or are going through a similar experience to you and hopefully they'll be able to offer you some support and/or advice.
  5. PetalsOnTheShamrock

    Seeking Feedback - a "sex plan" for saving my marriage to a sexual partner

    @anisotrophic - amazing comic!! It perfectly encapsulated how exasperated I feel when I'm asked "just tell me what I can do to help" and I think to myself.... it's more work to figure out what to tell you to do than to do it myself!! I don't have a full mental catalogue already in my head in every moment planned out, it's intuitive and make it happen as I go. Or the rare times when my partner unloads the dishwasher often there are things he doesn't know where they go, so he just leaves them on the counter..... it's like what?? (1) Why can't you take 3min and open cabinets until you figure out where the thing should do? (2) we moved in 3 years ago, how do you not know where things are? (3) this is why I included you in deciding what went where when I was unpacking, and then afterwards I gave you a "tour" of the kitchen! I've observed, and participated in, probably dozens of conversations with other women on this topic over the years... some are "jokes", some are serious. Nothing sums it up so well and works it end-to-end. After reading it I asked one of my male friend's for his perspective. He actually had already read it! I asked him how "obvious" it was to him when he first read it - he said about 80% (specifically noting he hadn't been thinking about the parental leave thing), but he went on to say he feels that's not typical. That he had thought/observed a lot of this stuff before but likely significantly more than other men in his opinion. He attributed to it to growing with empowered women, the fact his father was pretty involved with household life so when we went to friend's houses it was notable that other fathers weren't, and general empathy (I plus 1 that, he's high on EI/empathy scale). When I have conversations like that, it makes me even more aware of the importance of "is this the father, this the family I want to build?" - someone's childhood experiences makes such a huge impact on who they become as a person, and how they interact and empathize with others. It's really unfortunate that your partner doesn't "get" it. I imagine how frustrating, and lonely that must feel. The idea of being trapped. As much as I want kids, I've just "known" that it would make things so much worse even though I never talked to anyone. It sounds like we're similar with stage in our life - career-wise as well as the "decade and a half married".... and the whole "surrounded by everybody not in it"..... and my heart really goes out to you. I'm so sorry @anisotrophic I'm fortunate to not be suicidal now, but when I was in HS w/ the abuse I was and had a failed attempt. Feeling trapped and hopeless is so dangerous, so I'm REALLY HAPPY to hear you're optimistic, and this is what you're working on with your partner to change! 🙌❤️ I've seen the same thing. I think I got pretty lucky on my timing around the kid thing because at first I was super career-focused and so in my mid twenties I was actively anti-kids because I was thinking about it as an "about 30" thing. And I was lucky that I happened to be very successful... though that first job it was so male-dominated that I was the only woman in my entire department, and typically I didn't even interact with other women daily, except for admins. I left that job at 28 and moved to a job where I was fortunate to have lots of choice of where to go, so picked one that the VP of my department was a woman. She was the CEO's "right hand man". I know lots of people would judge me for using that as a big deciding factor, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . In that job I had her, eTeam leader of a technical department, and the most senior director under her was also a woman. I reported to a man, but I ended up becoming very close the the senior director as friends and then close with the VP as a mentor. Both of them had difficult with kids/work so I learned a lot. The sr director especially, whom had gone through a really horrible divorce and was in a constant battle with her ex over her daughter. So I was both actively warned, and observed, that I shouldn't consider adding kids into the equation until I was 100% happy & unenthusiastic about my relationship with my partner. So in the meantime, I've been focusing on my career. Thinking "I still have time"..... and hoping that perhaps if I gain enough success before having my first kid, it may help a bit on the work friction front since I'll be less in "prove myself to everybody mode". In a pipedream kind of way, I've also been hoping that if I gain enough success now, then perhaps when I do have kids, my partner will be able to stay home and be the primary care giver. It's not crazy - I'm doing well career-wise so it may be possible financially. And my husband doesn't enjoy work, he just works to earn a paycheck, so if the economics were there, he'd do it. But..... um...... well...... I've already talked about my doubts on that front that's the reason I'm calling it a pipedream.
  6. TurnedTurtle

    Question for sexual people

    I do want to add that "having sex" with my asexual wife, when she agrees to it, is not the worst thing in the world, far from it. But it is a conundrum: since she will never initiate, she doesn't get the opportunity to give the gift of making love to me (nor I to receive it) unless I ask her to do something I know that she does not really want to do, which I am reluctant to do out of my love and respect for her. (I know you all get it...) As to genitals, they are both gross and disgusting, and also totally fascinating -- at least those of the opposite sex, and especially so when they are aroused...
  7. Someone Else

    Somewhat unhopeful about the dating thing

    Okcupid has changed recently, almost forcing you to pay or play their matching double take. For instance, I could have a dozen messages waiting for me, but I haven't seen them because I didn't yet randomly "like" the people who sent them, so the messages remain invisible. It's really bad.
  8. Paychobabbler

    Another U.K. newbie here! Hello!

    Hi everyone, I’m Ali, 50, and have been married to my hubby for 30 years this August. I’d just like to begin by saying that I can’t tell you how happy I am to have found this place! I’m writing this through floods of tears because after decades of having zero sex drive or sexual feeling towards my husband, I have come to the realisation that I’m not “broken”, and that being the way I am is just Who I Am. I love my husband dearly and I have always thought I showed him how much I love him, but after years and years of the same arguments about me not “proving” it and as he says my “choosing to not” show him my love for him. I’ve finally told him that I’m asexual. Sadly, he can’t understand it and says he could understand if I were gay, but he believes I make a conscious choice to not touch him - even though I have tried to explain time and again that this isn’t something I choose to not do, it’s just that my brain literally has no switch that tells me to go grab his ass or feel him up. I have always believed I demonstrated my love for him but he insists on proof and for him that can only be physical. He says I can see how much pain he’s in and I choose NOT to ease that pain and because this issue has been ongoing for probably 25 years, he thinks that I don’t find him attractive and nothing I tell him will change his mind. We have 2 daughters 27 & 23 (who currently both live with us) and yesterday after me coming out to them, they both said that they too identify as Aromantic and ACE. It’s wonderful having them understand, but my husbands feels we “gang up” against him all the time anyway, so I can’t tell him that they are like me too. Sorry to offload such a mammoth load of baggage on my Hello post, but it kind of spilled out of me and it’s good to at least write this all down, even if I can’t get my OH to understand. I don’t know if there’s anyone here who is in a similar marriage boat as I, but I’m really happy to be here and I look forward to getting to know you! X
  9. To be honest, when I look at the below graph, I think they totally did this on purpose. (Note these are total deaths and it seems even more suspicious if you consider that China's population is about twice that of Europe, or nearly the same as Europe and both Americas combined.)
  10. Today
  11. Marty1962

    Asexual dating

    What a horror, has anyone tried it? I'm open to a new relationship - non sexual so I'm on some asexual dating sites. I think the sites are for people who have died or are impotent for health reasons rather than true asexual. I've started a few conversations, they haven't replied for many months and when they do it's one line, nobody wants to meet up just talk online once in a blue moon. I don't do talking for months online, I do meeting up so I don't waste months on someeone who is clearly unsuitable so I like to meet up quick but this apparently isn't on, they all run away and I never hear from them again. The ones I've spoken too all seem to have no motivation whatsoever to do anything, I may have no sex drive but I have life drive, I want to go out, do things, get on at work, go to festivals whatever. i don't think I'd get any of this lot out of their rooms. What's wrong with everyone?
  12. My family think it's a "phase". I'm 58 and I don't have phases. They think asexuality is rubbish and I've just hit the menopause, I was asexual loooong before the menopause. None of them are having it, I find it quite disrespectful. Younger people are much more open but I wouldn't discuss this with my son, we don't discuss things like that.
  13. ThePoint

    Afterlife Importance

    In my observation, many more people believe in afterlife for the sake of others, than for their own. That is, they miss their deceased loved ones and hope that they are now in a "better place". Some religious scholars claim that humans were practising burial for religious reasons (i.e. suggesting belief in an afterlife of some sort) up to 100k years ago. If you ask me, I find this fairly likely. They must have thought that "if mom is not here, she must have gone somewhere else", especially if they were later "visited" in their dreams. As someone else mentioned earlier, sleep and death look very alike and would likely even more so for primitive people. However it probably wasn't until many thousands years later that mysticism has flourished and people began to experience different states of mind that they have interpreted as afterlife and this idea of paradise could really take off.
  14. Mz Terry

    The Banning Game!

    Banned for pushing Ted to one side for a cabbage patch doll.
  15. Ace_liv

    Quickly, Before They See!

  16. Thanks for your opinions. Yes, please! I guess that could be really helpful. Thank you 🙂
  17. Chalce



  18. Asexuals can definitely have a high libido, however that doesn't equate to actually desiring sex with the person. You seem to have experienced a high libido reaction, but you couldn't actually manifest that libido as an actual desire for sexual intimacy with that person?? (you didn't want anything past kissing, is that right or did I misread you?). So if you had the libido but it couldn't actually make you innately want to continue the sexual activity, that could well be asexuality if it persisted long-term! Obviously only you can label yourself, but there are many asexuals here with high libidos!! They just don't connect their libido with a desire to actually have sexual activity with another person, if that makes sense? Oh the OP seemed quite happy with the discussion and thanked us for it; in that case wouldn't it be okay to continue the discussion as the overall topic is the OP questioning what exactly equates to asexuality, and whether or not they are sexual or ace? Technically the way things are defined are important in that contex (because the original questions were trying to ascertain the difference between desire, arousal, and attraction) and @flor9 seemed quite happy that we were having this conversation! I guess you could split it if it continued?? Though I think if the OP is happy with the discussion then splitting shouldn't really be necessary. Up to you though of course, just giving my input. 🍰
  19. Skycaptain

    Guess who comes next...

    Ok Zectarash
  20. Oh, yes, joined on May 19th. Read this. https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/197627-heated-discussions/ Yes, yes, it does and there is avery valid reason as to why Panficto is mad. Most of people get incredibly pissed off when you point that out in their definition (I know this is what happened tens of times when I did that on Reddit numerous times) it basically paints sexual people as sex-obssessed horndogs who is obsessed with certain physical traits, not to mention the many many misconceptions that are being perpetuated around (and ot doesn't help the fact that the medias and that a certain very loud minority is reinforces these misconceptions). And that you have people who say that they are somehow asexual even if they actively want and seeks out sex with others but don't necessarily find people sexually attractive specifically (a.i. "don't see people as a slabs of meat") or care about people's looks. Don't get me started on the "Asexual Spectrum" shtick. You have no idea how many problems this has caused us but literally nobody gives a shit because they care more about collecting special snowflake points and catering to their agenda. No, the FAQ also defines sexual attraction as "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else or to share our sexuality with them. (Note: sexual attraction does not need to be based on appearance, and can also develop gradually over time.)" "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else" or "an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships". There is no difference between the two. Float On, I know that you are a veteran member here. I expected better than you than to cheery pick.
  21. Skycaptain

    Word association game

  22. Skycaptain

    Change One Word In This Sentence

    Chefs smoking cake summon zombies
  23. Skycaptain

    Alphabetical edibles

  24. Skycaptain

    Ruin an AVEN thread by changing one letter

    Let's break the mules
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