Touching in a Relationship

[Fruity<3]

Ello everyone,

Sooo I guess this has to do with my past, but it's confusing my present. I don't like being touched all that much. I have gotten better over the years, I don't jump or get incredibly nervous every time. >.> I had to adapt to all these physical-contact-liking people out there. I'm fine with accident touching, but I get uncomfortable when people try to hold my hand or put their hand on me. I'm alright with hugs because I can usually see them coming, but I find them rather pointless and a form of being trapped if I don't want it. I mean could be aromantic? I love the idea of holding hands with a guy or being close to them when I feel comfortable. I was quite the hugger, cuddler, handholder, and kisser when I was younger. The causes of my change in behavior were: getting in trouble for kissing boys in elementary school, my dad wanting hugs and affection when he was drunk, my mom telling me I should hug him>.>, and teenage boys. I have become more distant from my sister and my mom because they tell me to be more affectionate toward him, so I stopped giving in to hugging or kissing them when they initiated/asked. For the guys causing the issue... 1) one of my good guy friends poked me EVERY SINGLE DAY for a whole semester in math class without fail. I would jump and tell him to stop, but he always did it(ADD). I never cursed at him or got extremely angry b/c I would forgive him in a second... but it was never really okay. 2) Guys have fought for my affection before by touching me. 5) I know that a couple of guy friends were trying to use physical contact as a gateway to have sex _._ 4) Every guy that I've told the reason why I don't like being touched (I trusted them with that), they would disregard my "no-touch rule" later down the line. I know its bad, but with friends I let the physical contact happen because I don't want to be rude. If any of my close guy friends would have asked I probably would have been 100% with the contact.

Side note is all of my friends now are guys and now that I'm in college I've made my "no-touch rule" quite heard. I've only had 2 guys that have respected me enough to not ever touch me. It's bad too because once I fell comfortable to hug them goodbye I feel like a hypocrite (that's why I don't initiate any contact. They would get confused).

So I guess my question is this... am I aromantic and in denial (I get nervous/ uncomfortable when thinking of kissing or cuddling with ppl, but I kindof want it) or do I just need to get over a road block in my life to be able to get closer to people? Another one of my problems is I don't ever see people being close with one another without being physically close to one another, so I believe that people can't be in a "relationship" without it.

Any advice or agreement/disagreement would be nice :D! Please be gentle though.

P.S. 1) I could have been wrong with my terminology. 2)I'm sorry for the lil' bit of a back story, I'm more comfortable talking to people through tech than in person. I know a lot of people don't like bad back stories. 3) I will be going to a counselor in the spring for this, but it's just bothering me now.

[trewdys]

Aromantic means not feeling romantic attraction to anyone. It is related to, but fundamentally separate from desire for romantic relationships, as well as desire for any actions which are perceived as "romantic". In your case, I think that your aversion to touch is an issue that affects many aspects of your interpersonal relationships, and does not indicate that you are aromantic.

You may also find this thread helpful: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/78157-romance-vs-romantic-identities/

[Lady Girl]

Moved this thread from Welcome Lounge to A/Romantic Identities.

Lady Girl, Welcome Lounge Moderator

[Azure.Providence]

Wanting to hug someone after you feel comfortable with them doesn't make you a hypocrite. Many people only enjoy being touched when its from a person that they trust. Others are like cats--they only like to be touched when they feel like it otherwise they avoid contact.

[Fruity<3]

Wanting to hug someone after you feel comfortable with them doesn't make you a hypocrite. Many people only enjoy being touched when its from a person that they trust. Others are like cats--they only like to be touched when they feel like it otherwise they avoid contact.

Thanks Azure, this actually really helps. I guess I've just never heard anyone say this or see anyone else like this. :] Thanks for your help.

[Azure.Providence]

Wanting to hug someone after you feel comfortable with them doesn't make you a hypocrite. Many people only enjoy being touched when its from a person that they trust. Others are like cats--they only like to be touched when they feel like it otherwise they avoid contact.

Thanks Azure, this actually really helps. I guess I've just never heard anyone say this or see anyone else like this. :] Thanks for your help.

Yay! I actually helped! :D

[earlymorningechoes]

I'm a total cuddlebug, but I don't like to be touched by people I'm not close to at ALL. With friends, most of the time I'm very huggy, and I'm likely to rest my head on people's shoulders all the time. But it has to be people that I've gotten to know well.

So. That random story is just to say that it's perfectly fine to not like to be touched, and it's NOT okay for your friends to touch you in any way, shape, or form without your consent, but if you feel comfortable when you initiate the touch, that's perfectly fine.

Hope it all works out!