CKD Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Okay, I'm sure you've all heard this before. I'm in love with a girl who says she is aromantic. I expect the first thing to come to your mind here is to find someone else to love, but here's the problem. We were together for several months before she decided she was aromantic. This means I know what it feels like to be with her, and now I need it back. I'll spare details, but she was pretty much the only good thing that has ever happened to me. Believe me, I've tried, and tried, and tried to forget about her, I even tried finding someone else, but I can't. I just can't do it. She's perfect for me and I'm not sure if I can be happy without her. I really need to know, is there anything that can happen? I'm not asking if there's something I can do to remove her aromanticism or something, but... I don't know, is there any hope to have any kind of relationship? She's not asexual if that has anything to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Moved this thread from For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies to A/Romantic Identities. Lady Girl, Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 OK, she decided she was aromantic, but is she willing to be in a relationship with you? If yes, you can certainly give it a try. There can be successful relationships between a romantic and an aromantic, just like there can be successful sexual/asexual relationships. The important thing is if you can make each other happy. If she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you, you have to respect her. But it's possible that she may be open to some sort of platonic relationship. This is something you must talk about with her. Link to post Share on other sites
CKD Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 That's the thing, she seemed so happy, and boy was I. I don't really know where it went wrong. I've asked her and she said that I did everything right, she just didn't want any relationship anymore. I know I have to respect her, I'd never want to do something to hurt her, it's just... I'm running out of options. I'm here because I didn't know what else to do, I guess I'll just say that since I lost her, I've been pretty depressed, and I'm not getting over it any time soon, it's been almost a year. Moved this thread from For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies to A/Romantic Identities. Lady Girl, Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies Moderator thanks, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 It sounds like your depression is pretty deep, since you say it's been almost a year now. A year is a long time to be mourning a relationship that lasted several months. You may want to think about how to address the depression rather than trying to figure out how to retrieve the relationship, because relationships take two willing partners. The loss of this particular relationship will not be the end of possibilities for you. There will be other people, even though you don't believe that now. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to seek some help for the depression. Link to post Share on other sites
CKD Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I guess you're right. not much else to say I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
UraNepu Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 as an aromatic who tried relationship, even though my partner was everything I liked in a person, the mere thought of my "in relationship" status felt like I was cadged, my partner did nothing wrong, the problem was with me, since I couldn't feel any happiness in a relationship. That is how I felt and it doesn't mean that all aromantics feel that way, your partner might felt something completely different, I only want to tell you that if your partner said it was not your fault then it was not so cheer up and I agree with sally Link to post Share on other sites
blue idiot Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Hi CKD! Unfortunately, I don't have much experience with aromanticism, but I would like to add my thoughts anways, since I can very much relate to your feelings of losing that relationship. You said that your girl decided to be aromantic at some point.. as far as I know, romanticism is fluid and perhaps she just didn't feel comfortable with the relationship anymore. Not with you, but with the relationship, since I think aromantic people don't like the pressure of closenees so much? It's just a thought that occured to me because it seems like there haven't been any hard feelings or fights, but sadness on your part. To overcome your depression, I've some little advice that may help: I have myself been in a kind of relationship which meant the world to me. I loved deeply and dearly but over time, things changed and I was left alone eventually. I was mourning, too, it's been about three years now, but I am sure I can never be as happy with anyone the way I was with him, truely and completely. But there was a point when I decided that I didn't want to be sad anymore. I found it helpful to conciously look at all the feelings I had and have for him, all the memories, everything, metaphorically put it in a box and store it inside my heart. Really feel how I put it there, safe, to look at when I want and need to, but to be able to think of other things, too. This gave me the opportunity to be open and hopeful again. I think whoever I meet, if I ever meet someone, they will never be him, but it might as well work out ok. I'm not looking for "perfect" anymore, since I know that "perfect" is already stored in my heart. But anyone else to whom I can do good and who will do good for me will be ok. I think too, that he may turn around someday, and come back to be with me, it might happen, however little the possibility may be, and then, I'll be there, but until then, I may as well live life, right? As best as I know, no matter what the future holds. I think what I'm trying to say is, you can't change things, but you can change your attitude towards them. Keep your memories, don't forget what you had, but don't let it drown you, either. You are a beautiful person just the way you are and you deserve to be happy. And I really, really hope this helps in some little way and that you feel better soon.. Link to post Share on other sites
ithaca Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 OK, she decided she was aromantic, but is she willing to be in a relationship with you? If yes, you can certainly give it a try. There can be successful relationships between a romantic and an aromantic, just like there can be successful sexual/asexual relationships. The important thing is if you can make each other happy. If she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you, you have to respect her. But it's possible that she may be open to some sort of platonic relationship. This is something you must talk about with her. This. If she says no to a relationship, it's no. But there may be other solutions. It sounds like your depression is pretty deep, since you say it's been almost a year now. A year is a long time to be mourning a relationship that lasted several months. You may want to think about how to address the depression rather than trying to figure out how to retrieve the relationship, because relationships take two willing partners. The loss of this particular relationship will not be the end of possibilities for you. There will be other people, even though you don't believe that now. The best thing you can do for yourself now is to seek some help for the depression. Sally you always give great advice, and I wanted to give you cake for this as an aromatic who tried relationship, even though my partner was everything I liked in a person, the mere thought of my "in relationship" status felt like I was cadged, my partner did nothing wrong, the problem was with me, since I couldn't feel any happiness in a relationship. I've heard many aromantics say the same thing, and I was just discussing this with an aromantic friend a few days ago. My opinion is that there's not only "in relationship" and "off relationship" status. It's not only black and white. There's lots of shades of grey, and some aromantics are comfortable with this grey area between relationship and non-relationship. An example is what's called "romantic friendship", where you can be friends but still in love with each other, and be together with less pressure than the "usual" relationship. It's hard for me to explain, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
abnor Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I have myself been in a kind of relationship which meant the world to me. I loved deeply and dearly but over time, things changed and I was left alone eventually. I was mourning, too, it's been about three years now, but I am sure I can never be as happy with anyone the way I was with him, truely and completely. But there was a point when I decided that I didn't want to be sad anymore. I found it helpful to conciously look at all the feelings I had and have for him, all the memories, everything, metaphorically put it in a box and store it inside my heart. Really feel how I put it there, safe, to look at when I want and need to, but to be able to think of other things, too. That was so beautiful TuT Link to post Share on other sites
UraNepu Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 as an aromatic who tried relationship, even though my partner was everything I liked in a person, the mere thought of my "in relationship" status felt like I was cadged, my partner did nothing wrong, the problem was with me, since I couldn't feel any happiness in a relationship. I've heard many aromantics say the same thing, and I was just discussing this with an aromantic friend a few days ago. My opinion is that there's not only "in relationship" and "off relationship" status. It's not only black and white. There's lots of shades of grey, and some aromantics are comfortable with this grey area between relationship and non-relationship. An example is what's called "romantic friendship", where you can be friends but still in love with each other, and be together with less pressure than the "usual" relationship. It's hard for me to explain, to be honest. yeah every person is different that's why I added in my comment that, that was only my experience As for the black/white thing, because back then I was into a sexual relationship and it was the time I started questioning myself and my sexuality, my only way to make this easier for me and my partner was to think of it as black and white, sadly, we still keep in touch but not in regular basis, actually we haven't even meet since we broke up 4 years ago. I felt mostly that it was unfair to keep my ex in any kind of relatioship besides friendship and have them be my geuinea pig in my journey of searching my true self. (plus the fact that I'm a natural loner) (does this post even make sense? morning posting is morning posting...) Link to post Share on other sites
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