Is aromanticism innate, a choice, or developed through experiences?

[Mondo_Eric]

As I explained in previous posts, my aromanticism has two main forces behind it, two aspects that formed and strengthened it; it is not innate in me:

1. The failing experiences with my crushes in middle, high school, college and work

2. Observing situations around me like divorce rates on the rise, unfaithfulness on the rise and lack of compromise and truth in a lot of relationships, perhaps more than half of them.

In my personal opinion, romanticism, unlike sexuality, is not something that you are born with. Some people can be really romantic from the early stages in life, some can be very introvert yet have romantic desires, and maybe some do never feel romantic. I have never been "extremely" romantic; my first crushes I tried to behave as romantic as possible but I have always been shy, so that part of me has made me "somewhat" romantic first to aromantic now.

Now, what do you think of aromanticism? Do you think aromantics who are not pleased with it may become romantic?

[Mezzo Forte]

I am of the opinion that aspects of the self (personality, sexuality, and so on,) are too complex to be boiled down so simply to the nature/nurture debate. There could be a genetic disposition toward certain elements of aromanticism, but there could also be biological elements not exclusive to genetics as well, and experiences can, in fact play a role as well. All the different elements interact and interweave with each other, and I don't think pointing to a single element would be able to paint the entire picture.

I personally can't really attribute any personal experiences to my aromanticism; I tried so hard to experience romantic love, and I genuinely wanted/tried to experience it, but I'm just not capable of romantic attraction. I've been in romantic relationships, even enjoyed some of them, but the attraction never happened. If I had to guess, I'd think that the closest thing I've experienced to romantic attraction is the passion I feel for music. I admit that my drive to enter romantic relationships dwindled thanks to the discrepancy between the emotion in the past relationships and the emotion I have toward music, but that was just me acknowledging the absence of attraction rather than becoming aromantic at that moment.

[maven]

Now, what do you think of aromanticism? Do you think aromantics who are not pleased with it may become romantic?

Haven't seen or heard of it happening. I've heard instances of the other way around, aros who became romantic or demiromantic, but never the reverse. And I've known several aromantics who were not pleased with their orientation and would have liked it to change.

[AlineDaryen]

It must be somehow innate in me because I truly tried to change it and feel differently, but the romantic attraction just is not there. It was very disappointing in fact, the idea of romantic love still seems beautiful to me. My parents have a lovely marriage of more than three decades and I've been going through the pains and highs of romance with my friends for many years without them giving up on the idea of romantic partnership, so I guess, despite all the less nice things that come with romantic relationships, it must be a deep-seated desire and need, which I simply don't have.

But like Musette, I have almost romantic feelings for art. Ever since my childhood, everyone's been saying that eventually, I'll get "married to books". And when I try to imagine what crushes or sexual desire feel like, I always imagine the feelings I get while listening to music or reading something really good. Compared to that, people do nothing for me, no matter how much I love them.

[Guest]

I'd pretty certainly rule out the possibility that it were a choice. Otherwise, I would most certainly be aromantic, seeing as I've spent two decades trying to kill those feelings off inside me - but much as I wish I were aro, I'm not. Medication got me comfortably close enough to it that I feel reasonably secure nowadays, but it can still happen that I feel rom attraction; it's just a) much, much rarer b) much lighter c) much easier to dismiss/ignore, than it was before going on meds.

[Quiverfree]

I've been reading a book about the biology of social behavior, and it's really impressed me how hard it is to untangle innate and environmental influences on behavior, even for scientists with all their money and time and no qualms about doing nasty experiments on nonhumans. It seems like most things have some influence from both, and what's more, sometimes the same gene won't have the same influence in one environment as in another. Then, like Musette said, there are biological factors other than genetics (developmental biochemistry, for example) that make a big difference. In the chapter on personality, I was particularly struck by the point that even psychologists studying human personality have usually only looked at the average of people's behavior over all situations, but some individuals might have more consistent behavior across situations than others do. Applying that to romantic orientation, it seems possible that some people are generalists whose feelings change depending on experience, and some of us are specialists whose feelings stay the same. The one thing that I'm certain of is that it's not a choice for at least some of us, because of the same point that everyone on this thread has made: if people could freely choose, a lot of them would not end up with the orientation they do.

There are most definitely things about me that are innate, though my life history is too complicated to be 100% sure whether being aromantic is a cause or a consequence of them.

Oh, and the bolded parts of this describe me perfectly:

And when I try to imagine what crushes or sexual desire feel like, I always imagine the feelings I get while listening to music or reading something really good. Compared to that, people do nothing for me, no matter how much I love them.

[FrenchDawn]

Personally I think I'm aromantic asexual since...maybe not my birth, but probably my early childhood. When I was a little girl I hated when people said things like "and you've a boyfriend at school?" and I became very angry when they asked: "How many children will you have when you'll be married?"

I cannot explain why, but I've never be able to imagine myself married with children. And I always hated being kissed or hugged... Actually, when I was a child I already enjoy my own company. I hadn't the need for being loved, and having friends. And I never dreamed about a boyfriend or something like a Prince Charming. But I really don't know why I'm like that. It's the biggest mystery in the whole universe.