How do you learn to accept that you are an aromantic asexual?

[AdelaideAceHeart]

For years I tried to have relationships but I have realized that I never really want to be more than just friends with anybody, male or female. I still want kids though, and I don't want to raise them alone. I also want to get married (weird as that sounds) and share my life with someone, not in a romantic way, more in like a roommate sort of way. Since I don't have any interest in relationships and I highly doubt I will find someone who wants the same things I do, how do I learn to accept myself and accept that I may never have these things?

[ithaca]

Well hi there! First of all, welcome to AVEN, since it's still one of your first posts!

It may sound weird, but you're not the only one feeling like this! For example a recent thread titled "I want to marry but not fall in love" discusses what I think are similar feelings about marriage, correct me if I'm wrong.

As for aromantics wanting relationships and children, I can give you some other links:

Do any other aromantics still want to find life partner?

To Aromantic Aces

Do any aromantic's ever think about being in a relationship?

Any other aromantics worried about their future?

What will I do when I am older?

Aromantics and children

And you can find lots and lots of thread on aromantics' feelings in the Aromantic Threads Index if you want to :)

This is to say: you're not alone here **hugs**

[Guest]

For me,it was just a slow realization that what makes me happy isnt what I had expected and been taught to expect to make me happy.

If you look in the right places, you might even be able to find someone who wants a similar set up. If that doesn't work, you an always focus on alternatives and other things you enjoy.

[Janus the Fox]

My realization come out nowhere as I never really did give anything a second thought. Given my 25 years I only thought of huh and wha... when confronted with the question, which eventually lead me to AVEN.

The Asexual Relationships forum gives examples of relationships that work or not it updates often so it is something to keep an eye on.

The above post links by ithacula are great, hope you like reading

[AdelaideAceHeart]

Thanks everyone :)

you guys have been very helpful. And thanks for the welcome, I am so glad I found AVEN

[Mondo_Eric]

For years I tried to have relationships but I have realized that I never really want to be more than just friends with anybody, male or female. I still want kids though, and I don't want to raise them alone. I also want to get married (weird as that sounds) and share my life with someone, not in a romantic way, more in like a roommate sort of way. Since I don't have any interest in relationships and I highly doubt I will find someone who wants the same things I do, how do I learn to accept myself and accept that I may never have these things?

I am going to answer with MY OPINION. (Caps-on for CLARITY, so nobody comes and tells me I am talking on every ace-aro on here)

I can't really see how an aromantic asexual can get to marry. See, for my observations, every intimate relationship seems to require a degree of romantic interest. Cuddling, saying sweet things, caressing, wanting to kiss and talk corny, for examples. This has been my general observation, and some have agreed with me, asexual aromanticism "technically" leads to celibacy and nothing else. Unless you meet someone who is also an ace-aro with the same wish you have, then maybe if you are heteroplatonic as I see you are in your description may help, but only if the other ace-aro and heteroplatonic. There must be a degree of desire to form that kind of relationship you have, but be aware that there will be a lot of outside pressure and mockery on the roommate-style relationship you would form. But still, the natural tendency to not want a "typical" relationship may refrain both of you of actually forming any kind of relationship other than friends. You may as well choose to live together, see, and talk with your partner that you are only to have a platonic relationship. Since there is no romance, nor sexual attraction, this is how I only see it could work.

Now I am also an ace-aro heteroplatonic guy, but unlike you I absolutely want no relationships. Maybe a good way to accept celibacy as your future lifestyle is to focus on other things. Value friendship. Do something that you like and keep busy both with your work and with fun. If you really want to have a platonic relationship with someone, I am sorry to tell you it will be extremely hard to find someone, but it may not be impossible.

[Speedway]

Thankmyluckystar,

I fought it at first as well, in my early teens, even when I wasn't sure that I was asexual. Being older, I'm now almost certain I'm asexual, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Perhaps it helped that as I got older, I stopped dreaming that I would someday get married and have children. Was this some kind of defense mechanism? Did I know that there was no changing my asexuality, so my mind unconsciously decided to conform my life goals to the asexuality? Perhaps. Either way, one needs to recognize that it's virtually impossible to change one's sexuality through one's own volition. You need to learn to live with it and to love yourself.

Good luck,

Speedway

[Guest member25959]

Find some great, close friends and thank the Lord that you're not interested in the world of romance? I enjoy my singledom, that's perhaps because I hear stories of relationships going wrong, left right and center.

Find platonic relationships.

[samepage1]

Though I recognize that I am romantic now, I had thought for a while that I was aromantic. I want to have children with a partner, like you.

The way that I came to accept it is to determine how likely it was that I could find what I want, and then determine whether it was worth the effort to find that. You just have to face reality and do the best you can with it. You decide whether to chase after something that you may never have, or you decide that in spite of the low chances, you want it badly enough and the chances are actually good enough that you will regret it till the day you die if you don't try your darnedest to find a partner.

I took the latter route. I may have found someone pretty quickly, but I attribute that to luck. If you put your all toward finding a partner, I can all but guarantee that it will happen, though you may need a moderate dose of patience till it does.

And for the gods' sake, be honest about what you want. You don't have time to waste with people who want something that is not compatible with your desires. Also, since you are female, if you are looking for guys and if the off chance that you also like to be the one who initiates relationships, I recommend (passed along from my girlfriend) that you nudge the guys to initiate, and only initiate yourself after you've nudged them a few times. That's because some guys, even if they don't like to initiate, think it's the guys role, and won't like it if you initiate. If they want to be pursued, then you should still be fine doing just that after you've given them a few chances to do the pursuing. (My gf and I realized that initiating and having the dominant role in a relationship vs. being pursued and having the non-dominant role is really key to relationship success. We're in the minority where the girl prefers the dominant role, and the guy prefers the non-dominant role, and things went so well because she initiated and I just soaked it up.)

[devotedlila]

I am coming to terms with my aromanticism and asexuality as well. I am still feeling it out, but I am conducting a relationship of sorts... with someone who understands that sex isn't on my plate right now. She slept over last night, and for me it was really wonderful to have the snuggles and conversation and companionship. Although I don't know where this is going... I keep consoling myself when I feel weird about this with the fact we're technically broken up.

So, my official position on love, partnership and parenting is that there is someone out there for everyone(who wants a someone for whatever reason). Just walk in integrity, know yourself, and keep your hook in the water. I am also gonna read all those posts(thanks, ithacula!) and do my work on me. Good luck!!

[AdelaideAceHeart]

Thank you devotedlila and samepage1, that gives me a lot of hope :) And thanks ithacula for the links, they were very helpful :)

[AlineDaryen]

There were times when I thought I'd never be able to accept it or live a happy life and be a good person without romance and family. I think it changed when I realized that if I really wanted a partner (I never wanted children), I could still have one (or more) because relationships are not so black and white as I formerly thought. Of course, AVEN was a great help. Where else do you find so many beautiful examples of non-standard relationships?

I also had to learn to think outside the box, forget about the stereotypical concepts of romance being somehow better than friendship and the only reason for a committed relationship.

I'm currently single and don't see it changing any time soon, but it's due to me being happy this way now, not due to having no other choice, and knowing that is really good for the soul :)

[ithaca]

Thank you devotedlila and samepage1, that gives me a lot of hope :) And thanks ithacula for the links, they were very helpful :)

Glad they were ^_^