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Aromantics in Romantic Relationships


byanyotherusername

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byanyotherusername

When I first joined AVEN and started identifying as aromantic, I read a few comments in different threads about aromantics who were in successful romantic relationships--affirming that you can still be capable of a romantic relationship, even if you don't feel romantic attraction. While I recognized that there would probably be tension/compromise in such a pairing, it made sense to me that it could work, because in the case of most successful romantic relationships the initial heady "in love" feeling eventually fades, and what remains is deep attachment--which is what many aromantics feel for their friends. At least, I know I do.

I realized that this type of relationship wasn't common, but somehow got the impression that it wasn't terribly uncommon either, until I started poking around again in the last couple of days for threads about these types of relationships. Maybe I'm just not look in the right place, but I could find very little. :huh:

So, here is my question: Are there aromantics out there who are currently in a romantic relationship, or have been in a romantic relationship since beginning to identify as aromantic? If so, how did the relationship start? Who initiated? Does your aromanticism cause any issues? Do the feelings you have for your partner(s) differ substantially from other close relationships in your life? If you are no longer with your partner, or if you were to break up at some point in the future, would you want to have such a relationship again? Why or why not?

In general, I'm just interested to hear more. Thanks in advanced for your responses. :)

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*killer*queen*

Well, I suppose I classify for this. I am in a relationship only because of the who. If it weren't for the trust and ease being there when I first met him (and obvious continuance of it lol), dating never would've been an option. I find social encounters and letting people in extremely difficult. Not to mention the romance aspect of things is totally lost on me. While I understand it to an extent I don't see the need of it. Nor am I very affectionate. He is very much the opposite of me in certain regards. I know he would like it if I were more so (affectionate, that is) and I have tried to make attempts but it feels so alien to me that it sometimes makes me feel like I'm not me, I'm just pretending to be somebody else. I've never been able to explain how I feel at times before now...rather glad I read this post. Not to say I won't continue to try. Maybe the norm doesn't work for me; it clearly hasn't in every other facet of my life, lol. I just haven't found a way beyond my low-key ways (that often can be perceived as nothing very special but I really only pay any attention to those who matter in my daily life).

We started out as friends. When we met I had no intentions of dating anyone. I do regard him differently than my other close friends; I couldn't quite describe how it differs. There is the closeness as with my other closest friends...well...I would say actually it's different with them all. Date again? No, I would not. I gave it some thought. Not a lot. I didn't need to shift through a lot of stuff to decide that a relationship of this nature is very stressful for me. I've already run through the gauntlet you could say with him. Getting past shit out of the way and various things. I mean sure there's still things to deal with but a lot of big hurdles have been jumped, perhaps not perfectly. I don't feel the need to do it again, in fact I would probably dread having to do this again. Not that it's been a horrific experience, it hasn't been at all, despite the low moments. It's just not something I was cut out for. Regardless of how this ultimately turns out, this is it for me. And I will stand by that. I have no doubts that it won't be.

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I identify as aromantic and I am currently in a romantic relationship. On hindsight, I think that I actually did feel romantic attraction to her. I don't think either of us really initiated it, there was just a sequence of events that led to us evaluating our relationship. We met on AVEN chat and started talking a lot, so I suppose we started as "friends" by default. After about two weeks of large volumes of chatting daily, we decided that we wanted to be in a commited relationship. At the time I just felt that I wanted her to be my partner and did not consider classifying it as romantic, queerplatonic or otherwise. I feel romantic attraction, but I think that even if I didn't, or decided not to classify my attraction as such, it would not cause any problems as I have no problems with acting romantic once in a while. It also helps a lot that my partner isn't interested in "traditional" romantic gestures. If I were to no longer be with my partner, I would stick with the philosophy I have had all my life: If it happens, it happens. I would not actively seek out such a relationship but if I happen to meet someone I really like, and the feelings are mutual, I would enter a relationship with them.

Oh and we're long distance

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princesspeach

I have no idea about any of this, but I really want to contribute :P

I originally thought myself romantic and obsessed with romance but since entering into a relationship where my boyfriend has surprised me by turning up unexpected with flowers, it actually kind of makes me feel a little sick. Even writing out the term boyfriend just then made me feel weird. So I'm thinking I might be aromantic? In which case I can answer your question that I started off "head over heels" but still only love him as a friend... But even so I felt that for maybe two years and we only started dating because he initiated it... I probably could have survived single and I'm thinking I may stay single afterwards...

I don't really know if that did answer your question, sorry!! :S

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Empty Chairs & Tables

Well, I suppose I classify for this. I am in a relationship only because of the who. If it weren't for the trust and ease being there when I first met him (and obvious continuance of it lol), dating never would've been an option. I find social encounters and letting people in extremely difficult. Not to mention the romance aspect of things is totally lost on me. While I understand it to an extent I don't see the need of it. Nor am I very affectionate. He is very much the opposite of me in certain regards. I know he would like it if I were more so (affectionate, that is) and I have tried to make attempts but it feels so alien to me that it sometimes makes me feel like I'm not me, I'm just pretending to be somebody else. I've never been able to explain how I feel at times before now...rather glad I read this post. Not to say I won't continue to try. Maybe the norm doesn't work for me; it clearly hasn't in every other facet of my life, lol. I just haven't found a way beyond my low-key ways (that often can be perceived as nothing very special but I really only pay any attention to those who matter in my daily life).

We started out as friends. When we met I had no intentions of dating anyone. I do regard him differently than my other close friends; I couldn't quite describe how it differs. There is the closeness as with my other closest friends...well...I would say actually it's different with them all. Date again? No, I would not. I gave it some thought. Not a lot. I didn't need to shift through a lot of stuff to decide that a relationship of this nature is very stressful for me. I've already run through the gauntlet you could say with him. Getting past shit out of the way and various things. I mean sure there's still things to deal with but a lot of big hurdles have been jumped, perhaps not perfectly. I don't feel the need to do it again, in fact I would probably dread having to do this again. Not that it's been a horrific experience, it hasn't been at all, despite the low moments. It's just not something I was cut out for. Regardless of how this ultimately turns out, this is it for me. And I will stand by that. I have no doubts that it won't be.

This sounds very much like me. Except I am currently falling on the "having a relationship, even with someone I love, is just not worth the stress is brings" side of the fence.

Clarification #1: I do not identify as aromantic, as I have extreme difficulty seeing the difference between romantic and platonic, but I am probably more aromantic than not. (At one point, I was thinking something along the lines of demi-romantic.)

Clarification #2: I am, with the right person, very affectionate, so I very much enjoy that aspect of a relationship, though I definitely have times when I do not wish to be touched at all. (Yes, going from touch-hungry to touch-averse can be a very abrupt change.)

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byanyotherusername

Thanks for the responses, everyone! :)

I go back and forth about whether it would be a good idea for me to enter a romantic relationship. I don't feel romantic attraction, and the idea of myself in a romantic relationship seems completely alien...but at the same time I do form very deep and intense platonic connections, so, with the right person, I think it could work. Maybe. And I mostly want to give it a shot so I could know once and for all...

But, unless and until the ideal candidate comes along I'll stick to singlehood. ;)

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Are there any aromantics out there who desire a romantic relationship?

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I originally thought myself romantic and obsessed with romance but since entering into a relationship where my boyfriend has surprised me by turning up unexpected with flowers, it actually kind of makes me feel a little sick.

I'm romantic, and the idea of receiving flowers makes me feel sick. There's a difference between what I consider materialistic romanticism (gift giving, paying for dinner, etc.) and emotional romanticism (affirmation, physical touch, etc.); the former definitely will always make me feel somewhat uncomfortable, and yet I don't consider myself aromantic. I still desire those romantic relationships.

But I digress. Returning to the OP's question, I am in a relationship with someone who identifies as aromantic, despite the fact that I am romantic; so perhaps my point of view can be a bit useful here. I would say that neither of us initiated per se. However, my partner did begin a conversation in which we discussed whatever sort of attraction we might be feeling for one another. His aromantic identity does not get in the way of our relationship at all. Even if I am certainly more romantic in speech, action, etc., we still share a bond, which is what matters to me in the end. Knowing that my partner wants to spend time with me and desires a connection is more than enough for me to feel satisfied, and so long as he isn't repulsed by my romantic comments, then why not keep it going? If I were to break with my aromantic partner, then I wouldn't be against initiating another relationship of this kind.

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  • 1 month later...

Are there any aromantics out there who desire a romantic relationship?

I identify as aromantic, but would be indifferent to i.e. tolerate a romantic relationship for sex :/

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Are there any aromantics out there who desire a romantic relationship?

I'm aromantic, but I definitely desire a romantic relationship. I'm not interested in things like flowers or sappy things like that, just a mutually affectionate relationship with someone I can trust.

It's a complete mystery how I can achieve such a thing though, since I could not allow myself to enter a relationship with someone unless I felt the same for them as they did for me. When you're aromantic, it seems a little impossible. If I was with a romantic person, I would feel I was being very unfair to them, because if they said 'I love you' I could not say the same in kind.

It is nice to see others views on a/ro relationships.

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