Is it Possible I'm Aromantic?

[JustNotInterested]

Okay, so yesterday, while at the Royal Melbourne Show one of my bestfriends told me he's in love with me. Or, as he put it, 'I really like you'. I really like him too, but I don't like him that way and I've never actually felt that way about a person. Bear in mind, I'm 25. I do believe that if I was going to feel that way about a person I would have already.

The closest I've felt to 'love' was an intense relationship I had when I was 13 and I believe that was more obsession due to rampant, untreated mental illness rather than actual love. I told him that I'm asexual, and that I consider him one of my best friends - I don't hide that I'm asexual - and that I could try but I didn't promise anything.

How do you know if you're aromantic as well? I love being around people, I love having friends, I've even wondered what sex is like (and I'm willing to try if I find the right person, said person could be my friend who's just confessed, tbh) and I enjoy reading about and viewing romantic relationships. I even support them in other people (but only when they are not to the detriment of friendships, I believe relationships that are to the detriment of a person's friendships are unhealthy) but I don't think I ever want to be in one.

I've often thought, why can't I have an intense platonic relationship with someone? Or several people. Let's all have an intense platonic relationship together that involves living with each other, supporting each other, all that?

Does that sound like aromaticism, people of AVEN or is it something else entirely? I'm really, really confused.

[kimbo21]

I'm almost 23 and I've never been in a relationship, had sex etc. A couple of years ago before I knew asexuality existed I was really close to a guy at work. I really enjoyed his company got on so well with him, we had a similar humour and a great bond but I didn't fancy him. It's so weird because even though I didn't know asexuality existed, I know I have always felt this way. Sometimes I think I would like a relationship and other times I wonder if it's because I am surrounded by others in them and it's what society expects. I don't care if I never have sex, the only thing that bothers me about it is how you are viewed by others but I guess over time I will get more comfortable with that. I think we know in ourselves if we are asexual without others having to point it out. It might be hard for people to grasp but I honestly feel I was born this way. You can still be aromantic even if you enjoy company of others.

[Ritchie333]

I really like him too, but I don't like him that way and I've never actually felt that way about a person.

Depends what you define as that way. There's a world of difference between romantic and sexual relationships, and it's perfectly possible to have one without the other. If you even baulk at something more than getting a hug from your grandmother, you might be aromatic. If you're okay with adding touching and hugs into your existing platonic friendship, then possibly not.

I have one friend who my relationship with is totally platonic, but on occasion (usually after a few drinks) has gone right up to the line of romanticism without crossing it. Nevertheless, I don't think of us being anything more than friends (I need time away from her to recharge, for one thing). I think a relationship is anything the two parties want it to be, as long as everyone's happy with it. No reason sex has to come anywhere into it at all.

[The Great WTF]

Moving this thread to A/Romantic Identities

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator

[AlineDaryen]

Hard to say. An aromantic doesn't feel romantic attraction but few people agree on what romantic attraction actually feels like. I identify as aromantic because I much prefer having several intense friendships to anything exclusive where I would have to decide which of my friends is more important to me. Even when I had a flatmate bordering on platonic partner, I couldn't make myself to feel "more" for her than for my other friends.

I feel uncomfortable when someone wants me just for themselves. That's probably why I've never dated though I'm thirty. It simply never occured to me that I should, friendship was always good enough for me.

[Guest]

Im ten years younger than you, so I haven't had as many experiences, but I identify as aromantic because the closest I have ever been to a crush is thinking someone seemed pretty cool and enjoying being in their company. The only time I think about people in a romantic context is if Im trying to determine if they'tlre thinking about be that way... and when they are, no matter how much I like them, I don't reciprocate that feeling.

If that makes sense. It's difficult to explain well.

[byanyotherusername]

I really like him too, but I don't like him that way and I've never actually felt that way about a person.

Depends what you define as that way. There's a world of difference between romantic and sexual relationships, and it's perfectly possible to have one without the other. If you even baulk at something more than getting a hug from your grandmother, you might be aromatic. If you're okay with adding touching and hugs into your existing platonic friendship, then possibly not.

I disagree with this. Aromanticism has nothing to do with whether you feel comfortable hugging/touching friends. You are aromantic if you do not feel romantic attraction--or the desire to form an exclusive emotional bond with a person and share the majority of your life experiences with them. Do you feel that you have a drive to form a special connection with certain people, a qualitatively different type of closeness than mere friendship? That is, to the best of my descriptive ability as one who has never experienced it, what romantic attraction is. And people who feel romantic attraction usually know it.

How do you know if you're aromantic as well? I love being around people, I love having friends, I've even wondered what sex is like (and I'm willing to try if I find the right person, said person could be my friend who's just confessed, tbh) and I enjoy reading about and viewing romantic relationships. I even support them in other people (but only when they are not to the detriment of friendships, I believe relationships that are to the detriment of a person's friendships are unhealthy) but I don't think I ever want to be in one.

I've often thought, why can't I have an intense platonic relationship with someone? Or several people. Let's all have an intense platonic relationship together that involves living with each other, supporting each other, all that?

This, especially the part in bold, is exactly how I feel. I identify as aromantic, but only you can decide if that label fits your experience.

If you are interested, look into queer platonic relationships (I wish I had a helpful link...I looked for it, but didn't find it in a cursory glance and I'm in a hurry, I'll stop by again later with it if someone else doesn't post one), or getting a "zucchini" (though many people strongly dislike the term). It is something like what you describe, essentially a platonic life partner (or partners).

I think if I were ever in such a situation, I would rather stick to the title of "friends" but that's due to my own issues around labels and commitment. XD

You can also be aromantic and still enter a romantic relationship if you feel sufficiently motivated to do so (perhaps with the guy you are talking about). Even if you are incapable of romantic attraction, you can decide to partner with someone who does for the benefits of that type of physically and emotionally close relationship.

Good luck. :)

EDIT: I found a link to a definition of queerplatonic partnerships: http://www.harpyness.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Queerplatonic.png