What does this sound like to you?

[Snailicorn]

Hi, not sure this is in the right place (I've been on the website before, but this is my first time in the forums specifically). I know this is going to be something that I have to figure out for myself and whatnot, but I am seriously confused and stressed out and I'd just like some opinions on what it sounds like I'm describing here. I do have a tendency to ramble, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can.

So, I'm like really, really confused about what my romantic orientation is. I'm definitely asexual, but after that I just... don't know?

Anyway, I realized I was asexual about midway through high school, and I just assumed I was heteroromantic because I'd only ever dated guys (though I never enjoyed dating, because I much prefer to be alone and hate touching of any kind and the obsessive clinginess that people have around here to their partners). But recently, I'm thinking I've misunderstood myself somehow, or maybe I've changed?

Basically, I find women's bodies to be aesthetically pleasing in an artsy sort of way if that makes sense. I don't find men's bodies to be attractive in any way (unless, in some cases, they have sort of feminine looks?). I don't feel any sexual feelings towards anyone, though. Romance wise, I can't figure out if I'm aromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, or something else. This is the part that is bothering me. I've only ever dated guys because I was thrilled that someone liked me (I tricked myself into thinking I returned the feeling, but I always realized I had never liked the guy in the first place). I've never dated a girl because the only girl who ever asked me out was a lunatic and I didn't want to date her specifically (and also because of fear of how my family might react).

There have only been a few people that I think I might have had squishes on, if I'm using the right word. One is a guy who I really like talking to, but who is dating one of my friends and doesn't see me in a romantic way (I think). Another is a girl who dates guys and apparently considers herself to be heterosexual (I've never heard her use the word, but she comes from a very conservative family who would definitely react negatively if she told them she was anything but straight, so I'm not entirely sure), but she doesn't seem interested in dating or boys or anything much.

The problem is, I can't be sure if what I feel/have felt towards either of these two is something romantic or if I just have a desire to be super-best friends or something with them. I sort of feel like maybe I'm more interested in women, but then, why have I only recently realized that even though I've known I was asexual for years? And why do I still get nervous when I have to talk to men, specifically?

TL;DR: There are 2 people I might or might not have a squish on, but I'm not sure. I might be aromantic since I don't like being in a relationship or anything, but I find myself feeling lonely and a little jealous of people who date. I don't know. I'm just really confused.

[L3105]

1st things first:

I am listening to this while posting.

Now, on to the meat:

Asexuality is a bit of an odd ball in the realm of orientations. "Squishes," at least in my opinion, do not at all correlate to "Crushes." In fact, they are closer to "Friendships" or "Cuddleships" if you will. Which makes it a whole lot easier for the gender boundary to be stretched a bit. I'm not saying that I am Biromantic, because so far as I can tell I am Heteroromantic, but I have definitely had a few thoughts of snuggling with a guy flirt through my mind. (Don't give me that look! Girls do it all the time!) What do I mean? Well, Don't feel bad if your relationship orientation has become somewhat ambiguous. It is more or less expected after you identify yourself as asexual.

From what you have said, it would seem that you are biromantic asexual. Just think about it. Mull it over a bit.

Now, as far as the abstinence from touching, I know exactly how you feel. There are some nights when I am so dreadfully lonely that I think to myself, "Man. I need someone here with me now. In my arms, preferably." But whenever people are actually around, I am utterly repulsed by any type of physical contact (with the exception of children). Sometimes, I am unable to even shake people's hands. When it comes to my own opinions towards those who date, sometimes I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I had someone to hang out with 24/7?" And yeah, it's a nice thought, but is it worth the expectations from the other half?

Also, in terms of your conversation habits with men. It's natural, I think. Personally, I figure you have conditioned yourself to act a particular way around men. It might be as simple as that.

Hope it helps!

[Ace_LaChelle]

first off, welcome to the forums :cake:

from your post, it sounds a bit like your preferences are similar to mine. i've only ever dated males, but i currently identify as biromantic. it's a bit of a new discovery for me, and it comes less from the fact that i'm attracted to both genders as it does from the fact that i personally don't find gender to be terribly relevant as far as who i become attracted to. i'm looking for someone with an exciting personality who is also attracted to me, and gender doesn't really play anywhere in that for me currently (i say currently because this year has been such a journey for me with "discovering" my asexuality and all the new discoveries that have come after; sexuality really is quite fluid).

if you fluctuate between being romantic and aromantic, you might be sort of grey-romantic. you just have to find what works for you, and that takes time. don't be afraid to experiment and try different things while you figure out what feels right.

anyway, best of luck to you, and most of all, remember that there's no rush to finding out who you are, and who you are can change. so don't stress if it takes a while to figure it out. :)

[AlineDaryen]

Romantic orientation is a tricky thing and there's no need to label yourself too soon. It will get clearer as you meet different people and learn to read your feelings and reactions to them. You're working on it already, so go on and try to have fun with it too, no matter how confusing and uncomfortable it can get.

Anyway, being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean you don't get a little jealous or lonely when you see people cooing and pairing up. Many aromantics like attention and shared experiences too and the amount of both that goes with romantic relationships is a bit enviable, to be honest :) It's your feelings when romantic attention is directed at you and whether you find romantic relationships in the broadest sense natural and fulfilling for you personally that makes the difference, IMO.

[Snailicorn]

Thanks for the replies everybody, it's really helped me and it's given me a lot of things to think about. :)

[& I'm a heretic]

I may be a little of because I skimmed some of your post, but I felt like this too. I've only been in relationships with males, but I also find females nonsexually attractive. As far as other genders go, I haven't really known anyone enough to figure out an attraction. So I know I'm not just heteroromantic, and I'm definitely not homoromoamtic. (Also, I forgot to mention that I am definitely some sort or romantic) but then biromantic doesn't quite fit because I don't feel limited to only female and male attractions, but panromantic seems a little too broad. I think I best identify as polyromantic, meaning romantically attracted to multiple genders. There's also another part to the definition which doesn't quite fit me: but not all genders. I've always seen definitions that mention no equally attracted to different genders which I feel is really fitting to me. To me, poly seems like the most nonspecific identity. The way I relate my romantic identity is to political parties: there's Democratic and Republican and then there's Independent and I feel like I'm in the Independent range or romantic orientation.