Jump to content

Do Other Aromantics Wish They Had More Aromantic Friends?


byanyotherusername

Recommended Posts

byanyotherusername

Earlier tonight, I came across a thread about an ace who talked about only wanting to date other aces. I've come across this type of thing before since it is understandably common, but this time around it lead me down the thought process of: Since I desire friendships, not romance, I don't have the luxury of seeking out only people who share my orientation in order to share the type of relationship that really matters to me, because that would mean either only being friends with aromantics or seeking some kind of queerplatonic relationship. My first reaction to this thought was that neither appealed to me, but then I realized that the first option, while the least practical of the two, does sound pretty nice. XD I love my romantic friends to bits, but the fact that I can't relate to such an important facet of their lives, and that they can't relate to the feelings of alienation I sometimes feel in a society that worships romance as the pinnacle of human connection, can definitely put a damper on things.

I also often find myself more comfortable in friendships with people who do not date for whatever reason: religion, lack of time/opportunity, age, trouble relating socially, physical disfigurement/unattractive features, etc., and almost feel a sense of mourning when one of these friends I rely on to share the experience of singlehood--even if I don't relate to the cause--finds a relationship despite these obstacles. (Though I am also ultimately happy for them, because I want them to be happy.)

When it comes down to it, friendships are how I meet my emotional and physical intimacy needs. They are necessary relationships in my lives and I would feel more secure if I didn't have to compete with romantic partners for time, attention and importance in the lives of every single person I share this connection with.

So, I pose the following questions to aromantics: Do you feel your aromanticism hinders your relationships with romantic friends? If such a thing were possible, would you desire for all or most of your friends to be aromantic, too?

Link to post
Share on other sites
nocturnalcomrade

no i don't care what someone does outside of a screen, and i only need online friends to stop boredom. so doesn't matter to me. i don't need friends in real life is what i'm trying to say. (and i have none)

Link to post
Share on other sites

The only one of my friends I still have regular contact with, might not know I'm an aromantic ace. Since of the multiple topics we discuss, sexuality has never been one, I figure it isn't an issue. I suppose guys don't generally talk about romance though. I imagine there's other issues with why I've been rather distant to all of my friends, but being aromantic didn't have anything to do with it.

Being aromantic might be nice to have in common with someone, but it alone isn't really going to motivate me to open up to new people.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally wish to have more aromantic friends but for slightly different reasons. Getting into my thirties, all my romantic friends are in serious relationships and starting families and what used to be close friendships bordering on partnerships becomes simply on-and-off casual friendships where the amount of sharing falls drastically. That's ok, life goes on and I don't grudge them the happiness they're trying to find. But knowing that when I find new friends they will be probably romantic as well (aces or not) and in a few years it's going to be the same makes me a bit sad.

The trouble is that aromantics are thin on the ground and a similar mindset in this one thing doesn't yet make great friends. I'm lucky to have an aromantic on-line friend and two perpetually single friends in RL, but I'm still searching...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't mind it when we still talk, like I can asked them how they're SO is. Then there are those people who get into a relationship and get so wrapped into it that I don't hear from them for months....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Really, I'm more interested in being friends with people who are understanding of my orientation than anything else, though it would be nice to share experiences with a fellow aromantic, especially since I know they wouldn't misinterpret my desire for close friendship as romantic, not to mention that they would be less likely to drop ever social connection they have in lieu of a romantic interest. To be honest, it'd be nice to have a close friend of any romantic or sexual orientation here, since the people I am closest to go to different colleges, one of which is my twin sister who always had a knack for managing my social life better than I ever could. I pretty much just have acquaintances at the moment, so if I met a fellow aro, I'd probably be more likely to make a stronger connection thanks to common experiences.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

Getting into my thirties, all my romantic friends are in serious relationships and starting families and what used to be close friendships bordering on partnerships becomes simply on-and-off casual friendships where the amount of sharing falls drastically. That's ok, life goes on and I don't grudge them the happiness they're trying to find. But knowing that when I find new friends they will be probably romantic as well (aces or not) and in a few years it's going to be the same makes me a bit sad.

I can definitely relate. Not as extreme, but I am at the age where most of my friends are in serious, committed relationships, moving in with their SO's, etc. and I can only foresee it getting worse. If it makes you feel better, early to mid-thirties is the most common period for divorce (or about 3-4 years into the marriage). XD

As it is I find it hard to meet my emotional intimacy needs. My friends have their SOs to confide in and don't really "need" me in that capacity anymore, except if they want to complain about their SO, and in that case they are more likely to turn to someone in a romantic relationships who can better relate.

Trying to meet my physical intimacy needs is even more bleak. Most of my friends are male (I'm female) and they're happy to cuddle when their single and say it's all friendly, but as soon as they get a girlfriend they're no longer comfortable with it. It's like, okay, you were fine with this being strictly platonic before...

<_<

I don't mind it when we still talk, like I can asked them how they're SO is. Then there are those people who get into a relationship and get so wrapped into it that I don't hear from them for months....

I feel the same, mostly. Most of the time I'm pleased for my friends when they enter romantic relationships, and (to an extent) happy to hear all about it. But the second type of friend you mention is all too common, and even in the first instance a friend gaining a new SO usually means I hear from them substantially less, even if I'm still hearing from them.

Really, I'm more interested in being friends with people who are understanding of my orientation than anything else, though it would be nice to share experiences with a fellow aromantic, especially since I know they wouldn't misinterpret my desire for close friendship as romantic, not to mention that they would be less likely to drop ever social connection they have in lieu of a romantic interest.

Agreed! I would say my desire to have friends who are "aromantic" is more about having a desire for friend who are understanding and accepting of my different experience and needs. Which, come to think about it, is actually a more hopeful thought, because aromanticism isn't suddenly going to become common, but with enough visibility/education, understanding could be eventually.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

When it comes down to it, friendships are how I meet my emotional and physical intimacy needs. They are necessary relationships in my lives and I would feel more secure if I didn't have to compete with romantic partners for time, attention and importance in the lives of every single person I share this connection with.

I'm not aromantic, but any friend that would make me feel as though I'm competing with another relationship would get the ax. I do not find it acceptable for the value that people place in a relationship to change depending on the statuses of their other relationships. I pick friends for whom I know I will not drop down a notch if they find a "better" friend or a romantic partner. You should feel secure in your relationships, and if the way someone is treating your relationship makes you feel insecure, get rid of that unhealthy relationship. It has nothing to do with romance, except that it is romantic relationships that very disproportionately cause this situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As it is I find it hard to meet my emotional intimacy needs. My friends have their SOs to confide in and don't really "need" me in that capacity anymore, except if they want to complain about their SO, and in that case they are more likely to turn to someone in a romantic relationships who can better relate.

Yeah, you often turn from a friend to a relationship consultant when your friends find an SO :-) But strangely, a lot of people, even casual acquaintances seek me as a relationship confidant, not other people in romantic relationships. When you don't hide your aromantic experience and way of thinking, many romantic people actually appreciate it, because it's a unique perspective and often helps them to see their relationship troubles in different light.

I love the way I can relate to my one and only aromantic friend and wish I had more people like that in my life, but relating to other people is just a matter of not allowing them to view their experience and feelings as the norm. Those who accept that your experience and feelings are not less valid than theirs are true friends, no matter what romantic or sexual orientation they have.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Really, I'm more interested in being friends with people who are understanding of my orientation than anything else, though it would be nice to share experiences with a fellow aromantic, especially since I know they wouldn't misinterpret my desire for close friendship as romantic, not to mention that they would be less likely to drop ever social connection they have in lieu of a romantic interest. To be honest, it'd be nice to have a close friend of any romantic or sexual orientation here, since the people I am closest to go to different colleges, one of which is my twin sister who always had a knack for managing my social life better than I ever could. I pretty much just have acquaintances at the moment, so if I met a fellow aro, I'd probably be more likely to make a stronger connection thanks to common experiences.

This, pretty much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or not, but over the past few years, I have been feeling a bit excluded by my closest friends. Not intentionally, of course, just that they've been getting into serious relationships, and have been wanting to spend more and more time with people who aren't me. I get kind of jealous, but, ultimately, I'm happy that they're so happy. I like hanging out as a bunch, and we do that pretty often, but I sometimes feel like a third wheel. I don't think their overly romantic natures hinders our relationships at all, and I would never want to change them. I also really like this habit I have going of bringing two dates to events (one friend, and friend's date), but I think it would be nice to have an aromantic friend or two, to do pair things with, since my romantic friends have become pairs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, I pose the following questions to aromantics: Do you feel your aromanticism hinders your relationships with romantic friends?

Sometimes. It depends on how big a part of their life romance is. If they talk about their relationships all the time, I'm bored and/or nervous. But if all they talk about is their non-romantic relationships, I'm still bored, only less nervous.

If such a thing were possible, would you desire for all or most of your friends to be aromantic, too?

I suppose I'd feel a little safer, but I wouldn't sacrifice anything else for it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would love to have more aromantic friends. Most of my romantic (and sexual) friends don't know I'm aromantic, because I know they wouldn't understand it if I told them (though a few of the people I have told are very understanding). Even though I'm in my 20's, some of my friends are already married and pregnant/have children. Recently, a few of my close friends had babies. This recent development made me realize that soon most of my friends are going to be getting married and starting families. Even though I'm happy for my friends, this scares the crap out of me. Babies and young children tend to annoy me, and seeing my friends turning into responsible parents makes me wonder if this is going to affect our friendship. It would be nice to have more aromantic friends who may be able to relate and with whom I can openly discuss aromantic issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...