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a question for aromantic asexuals


nutmeg

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Hi,

I think this is my first post. I looked at this site a few years ago but never really got too involved. I am 31 yrs old, and never dated, never desired to be married, never desired to have sex, and don't even know what it means to be attracted to someone. I never knew of this site and never thought to even google about asexuality until one time my brother sent it to me. I had tried to explain to him that I never was attracted to anyone and that it was "like I am asexual or something." Then, it turns out there are others who named themselves the same thing, I found it interesting. So I read a bit, and I'm clearly an aromantic asexual, but not being able to relate to any of those feeling/thoughts/emotions/whatever they are, how can I really know what aromantic really means? I read that it is kind of obscure or doesn't have a set definition, so I've wondered some things. I would like to know from other people that also think they are aromantics too. It seems that sometimes I read people writing who say they are asexual, and I think, geez this still doesn't fit me, am I just of the total extreme level of aromantic, or is it something else? I thought I finally found others that exist that can't understand or relate to the constant bombardment of physical attraction focus via every ad from the most basic things like a bookstore to a hardware store, to all these hidden jokes and hidden reasons people want to talk to you, and then it seems I still didn't seem to relate. I guess that is why I didn't look too long after reading years ago.

so my main question is:

Do you ever have physical attraction to anyone even if you don't desire "romance", (or even know what either of those words really mean?) ?

To me, I notice people are males or females like I notice hair color or race or height or things like that, it is just an outward way to describe someone, but doesn't really mean much of anything. I don't really notice a difference between male and females other than what people make themselves to be from their own personalities, or sometimes what they act like from cultural influences. But that doesn't mean they had to be that way, they just became it. I see people as individuals, who also are male or female.

I notice things about people like if someone's skin is very nice, or if their eye color is different, etc, of course the opposite too, someone with a physical deformity or someone with bad acne, etc, but either the so called positive or negative external appearance (for lack of a better short descriptive term coming to mind at the moment) means nothing about being attracted to the person, since that would be about personality.

I read that some asexuals can want everything but sex in a relationship, so that must also mean they are physically attracted to a person, I think? It seems physical attraction would come even before the desire for romance, which it says is the desire for close physical contact, with some specific (I guess?), meaning not everyone, so someone they are specifically drawn to.

So is anyone definitely aromantic and asexual, not having an interest in any personal relationship in that way, other than just very close intimate deep friends, (but that could be male or female, since that means nothing), but also still someone who finds some people "physically attractive?"

Maybe they are the same thing, I don't know. I mean I remember back in middle school people thinking this and that person in real life, or in a movie or band, was "cute." Did that mean they also were sexually or romantically attracted, or just found him physically attractive? I still hear it occasionally with adults, talking about this or that person, even if they are married or in a relationship. They still notice certain people, people they don't even desire to know or won't ever know, and view them as physically attractive. Their response is certainly more of a response that I would have if I saw someone with a nice color eyes or something like that, so I know something is much more involved.

So maybe if any aromantics have some thoughts or words to try to clear up my confusion, I'd appreciate it.

thanks

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I completely understand your confusion!

As a fellow aromantic I don't get the cuddling thing or even enjoying sex. I am perfectly content to have really good and close friends.

Pretty sure this doesn't clear anything up, but just wanted to let you know that you are definately not alone in your thinking.

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thanks for writing. but my question was, do you know what physical attraction is or experience it yourself ever even to a very small degree, even though you are aromantic?

I completely understand your confusion!

As a fellow aromantic I don't get the cuddling thing or even enjoying sex. I am perfectly content to have really good and close friends.

Pretty sure this doesn't clear anything up, but just wanted to let you know that you are definately not alone in your thinking.

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Yeah, same here. If by meaning a physical attraction are aesthetic, then yes I find women and more common men aesthetically attractive. Otherwise I'm Aromantic and Asexual simply I do not or yet to desire romance or sex beyond curiosity.  

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byanyotherusername

I consider myself an aromantic asexual. As you describe, I have no desire for a romantic relationship, just close friendship. I do experience both "aesthetic" and "physical" attraction.

I consider aesthetic attraction to mean that my eyes are attracted to something--someone with striking features, or a particularly graceful way of moving. I don't consider this different from appreciating a beautiful piece of art. I want to spend some time looking at it if I can, but it's not especially important and it's certainly nothing sexual.

The "physical" attraction I feel is a desire to be touched or to touch someone either affectionately or sensually. I like hugs, hand-holding and cuddling with the people I love--whether they are male or female, friends or family. I also like certain "sensual" types of touch, like massages. Massages are very nice. ;) Neither of these drives is sexual, though.

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Do you ever have physical attraction to anyone even if you don't desire "romance", (or even know what either of those words really mean?) ?

Personally, No. Not really. I tend to be rather taciturn and don't speak to people unless it's important or unless they said something to me first. I've never felt that instinct that I need to be around someone, and that I must get closer to them. If you mean aesthetically pleasing, like how a painting can look attractive then I suppose I could amend that to a yes. A person can clean themselves up, dress well, style their hair, and/or get in shape and look aesthetically pleasing. It's more of a fleeting image with people though, so I don't really give it much thought. I have time to sit down and interact with art since a gallery isn't standing up and walking away any time soon. People have things to do.

I'm sure there are some aromantics out there that do experience more physical attraction, but if you want a context about physical attraction you'll have to seek out a romantic and/or a sexual. Someone who's had a more powerful reaction and more frequent experience with it would be a better reference.

Like in this instance.

Maybe they are the same thing, I don't know. I mean I remember back in middle school people thinking this and that person in real life, or in a movie or band, was "cute." Did that mean they also were sexually or romantically attracted, or just found him physically attractive? I still hear it occasionally with adults, talking about this or that person, even if they are married or in a relationship. They still notice certain people, people they don't even desire to know or won't ever know, and view them as physically attractive.

Honestly, I don't know. I would imagine it was little more than innocent sentiment over aesthetics, but each situation is invariably different. I can't pretend to know without asking someone since I have no idea where they draw their own lines. I'm not a psychologist so I can't begin to deconstruct that thought process.

If you would like an example, I was once asked in High School PE if I thought any girls were hot when there was a long line of them for girls PE passing by in the school gym. All I could do was dodge the question. I'll admit, back then I was a colossal misanthrope and could see no beauty or good in humanity at all. That disposition dissolved, but I can't say my reaction would have changed.

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I find people aesthetically attractive and used to confuse this for sexual attraction. While I do have sexual desire, it's not specific. I lose that desire once the topic of sex is brought up. Sort of like sex is a turn-off for me. After five failed engagements and one failed marriage, I have come to the conclusion that I am aromantic. This wasn't an easy conclusion for me to admit to; since I have always loved the idea of being in love. I just can't get a handle on actually living it out; so I resort to reading romantic stories. I love Nicholas Sparks' books!

There are certain people (of either gender) that I could just stare at and drink in their beauty for hours on end. Of course this is considered creepy, so I relegate myself to a few quick glances and leave it at that.

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wanderingscribe

To quote from my intro post in the Welcome Lounge:

'I can't help but notice pretty faces, nice smiles and cultured voices, but it's much more important for me to get to know their owners as friends. Venturing into more intimate territory has never appealed, or in many cases even occurred, to me because it's not what I want. Physical contact beyond a handshake makes me very uncomfortable and I don't feel as if I'm missing anything.'

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I think what you're talking about is aesthetic pleasure. I see a lot of beauty in people, male or female, well-dressed or badly dressed or undressed, that doesn't matter. But there's no drive to touch the person or even get to know them, attract their attention. I just have a look, look my fill, maybe make a complimentary comment when someone's with me and then look away. It doesn't generate any romantic or sexual feelings in me.

When a person I see as beautiful incidentaly becomes my friend I usually stop noticing their beauty very soon, it becomes a part of their personality for me and it's no longer something to look at.

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Yes i guess i meant aesthetically attractive not physically, I guess I never heard people explain it that way but I was thinking of it the same way. So, it seems most people even aromantics are drawn to the aesthetics of people more than the aesthetics of other things and devote varied amounts of time and amounts of enjoyment toward observing them. But it seems it is a main category that a large percentage of people are drawn to, as compared to art or flowers or other topics that some are drawn to to enjoy their aesthetic beauty. Even then, it takes a rather extreme desire and interest in a topic for someone to dwell on the looks of something they enjoy as much as many do about humans, so something is still going on in many asexual aromantics to still cause something extra to take place. That is why I still seem to wonder what is strange about me... I guess I do that about all sorts of things though.

Oddplume I guess best seems to fit where I am with the art explanation. I don't have an interest to look at a person any longer depending on what they look like, it was just an observation that is not of interest or more than a passing split second thought I have about other observations of the day, just like the looks of cars don't interest me, or horses, or other things that might interest some and that some would like to gaze at in depth depending on their aesthetic beauty.

thanks

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Moved from Asexual Q&A to A/Romantic Identities.

Asexual Q&A Moderator

Vampyremage

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I am asexual and also 100% aromantic. I am sickened at the thought of romance and I don't find anyone attractive in any way at all. I am 36 years old and have never dated or had any romantic interaction, nor do I wish to. I have read many posts from others on here and a lot of people seem to have partners and even are married, and this is what I don't understand. What exactly attracts them to their partner? How can they want to kiss or have sex with someone they are not attracted to, physically? Sorry if that sounds ignorant to anyone, but it's just so foreign to my own experience that I can't understand it.

I also can't tell if people are supposed to be good looking or not. I can tell if someone is extremely good looking or extremely unattractive - like at the extreme ends of the spectrum, but most people are just in the middle somewhere and mostly look alike to me. Out of all the thousands of people I have seen in my life I can probably think of about 5 that I would say were good looking, but only in an aesthetic way - in no circumstances would I want to interact with them romantically.

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nocturnalcomrade

i consider myself asexual aromantic, i only experience aesthetic attraction... which is no different then thinking my iphone is beautiful or a cat. i do not like looking at fat people, it disgusts me regardless of how "offending" that may sound, sorry but it's gross... when i look at a "beautiful" girl i like staring just as much as i like staring at scenery. i do not feel sexual about it. i don't find much aesthetic appeal in guys... girls have different clothing, make up and hair and all these things... guys all look the same unless they are goth or something, then i might say they look "cool" just as much as my iphone does.

i dunno what else to say about this since i've always been this way, it's quite normal to find things beautiful/ugly and not be sexually attracted.

not exactly sure what the difference between physical attraction and aesthetic attraction is, an object like an iphone is a physical object.

i've never felt the need to have anyone besides me ever since i've started using the internet, human interaction is meaningless to me... i could live alone with internet for the rest of my life without any issues... through i do feel "lonely" when i have no one online to play or chat with. that being said i also wouldn't mind replacing every user of the internet with artificial intelligence, i wouldn't know the difference unless they went on webcam... then again they could be androids in the distant future and i still wouldn't know the difference.

i wish i didn't have a body, i wish my brain could become a computer where i'd live virtually till the end of time.

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yes i thought of physical attraction as attraction of the physical appearance, but people were clarifying that is aesthetic, and physical attraction would be the interest in touching physically.

i don't think i find romance sickening, i just don't understand it and could not relate to it. if others are romantic on their own i'm not sickened by it. although i don't ever watch romantic movies or if some part comes into something i'm watching i fast forward or get bored because it's a waste of time showing things if i am not moved by them and just want to get back to the plot.

yes i don't understand someone wanting to kiss and do other things but not have sex as i would think they were all related to that type of attraction, but apparently not, as asexual is actually just not interested in sex. apparently there is a big difference between romantic asexuals and aromantics, and we just totally don't get it. probably just like how people totally don't get us.

as far as having a partner or married i think it'd be nice to live with a really close friend for long term, like a best friend that you do things with and have around for company, minus romance or sex. for me that could be a male or female since it is just for a deep close long term friendship. the problem is, i don't know any other people that are not interested in marrying or aren't already married, so they already have a person to live with long term or a person they want that will be more than a friend...

but that'd be the only kind of "partner" i'd want, a best friend to be with that also wanted to primarily be with me. to talk to and do things with. i don't say that to anyone anymore since i got enough weird looks of people thinking i am either gay or bisexual or so traumatized from something i'm afraid of contact, instead of just accepting that i may know myself enough and that what i say is probably true, that i am just honestly not interested and can't even relate at all to all their interests and physical/aesthetic attractions they have with people that they don't even know or won't ever meet.

it's good to hear someone else fits this category. thanks

I am asexual and also 100% aromantic. I am sickened at the thought of romance and I don't find anyone attractive in any way at all. I am 36 years old and have never dated or had any romantic interaction, nor do I wish to. I have read many posts from others on here and a lot of people seem to have partners and even are married, and this is what I don't understand. What exactly attracts them to their partner? How can they want to kiss or have sex with someone they are not attracted to, physically? Sorry if that sounds ignorant to anyone, but it's just so foreign to my own experience that I can't understand it.

I also can't tell if people are supposed to be good looking or not. I can tell if someone is extremely good looking or extremely unattractive - like at the extreme ends of the spectrum, but most people are just in the middle somewhere and mostly look alike to me. Out of all the thousands of people I have seen in my life I can probably think of about 5 that I would say were good looking, but only in an aesthetic way - in no circumstances would I want to interact with them romantically.

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yes i don't understand someone wanting to kiss and do other things but not have sex as i would think they were all related to that type of attraction, but apparently not, as asexual is actually just not interested in sex. apparently there is a big difference between romantic asexuals and aromantics, and we just totally don't get it. probably just like how people totally don't get us.

I didn't understand it either before I came to AVEN and got to know how romantic aces feel. And in fact, I still don't truly get it in the same way I don't understand sexual people. But as you say, they don't really get us too, so it's about keeping our minds open and not judging others. It's actually quite wonderful that human feelings can have so many shades and nuances.

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Calligraphette_Coe

thanks for writing. but my question was, do you know what physical attraction is or experience it yourself ever even to a very small degree, even though you are aromantic?

I think of it as a vestigial emotional component that's in everybody's DNA, simply an egg's way of making more chickens. Sort of like a social appendix that serves no useful purpose. Not to be confused with the very real human need to make a social connection with other people.

Physically attractive people are always going to have a smorgasboard of suitors vying for their attention, but what of the *quality* of those connections? Don't they often end up as emotional merry-go-rounds that make the physically attractive dizzy, leaving them with an eternal sense of deja vu when it always comes around to the same old starting point, over and over and over and over, finding there's never new anything under the sun?

I think aromantics are like intergalactic space explorers, braving the cold depths of space to find a hospitable planet to terraform into a Brave New World. They grow their own emotional nourishment, always on the lookout for emotional vampires, ably skilled to avoid being mesmerized by shallow beauty projected into a pool of narcissism.

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