Where do I fit in?

[asexywriter]

Last year, I discovered the concept of asexuality and I realized it describes my own feelings and experiences pretty well. I do have a libido, but I never felt any sexual attraction or had the desire to have sex. So I guess that makes me asexual.

I’m a sex neutral asexual, by the way. I find the topic of sex and relationships very interesting and have an intellectual curiosity about it, but imagining myself having sex is just surreal.

That much is clear to me. But the rest is still pretty confusing. I’m still trying to figure out my romantic orientation, and I thought maybe it would help me to write down my thoughts and see what other people, who might have gone through the same kind of process, think.

I’m a 34-year-old woman.

For a very long time, sex and relationships simply had no place and no meaning in my life. I didn’t have or miss either. I always felt that I’m different from my friends. In my 20s, I figured out that I’m a lesbian. I still identify as a lesbian, even though I am not sexually attracted to women in the sense that I want to have sex with them. But my emotional, aesthetical and sensual attraction are all strongly directed toward women. All my important emotional bonds are with women. When I look at other people on the street, I look at women. I like cuddling with my close female friends. If I ever have a relationship, I’m sure it would be with a woman. For those reasons, identifying as a lesbian still feels right to me.

So you might think that I could be a homoromantic asexual.

But I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’ve never been in love as far as I can tell. I had two crushes or squishes (I’m not entirely clear on the difference) in my youth in the sense that I admired that other person (always a woman), wanted their attention and affection, but I never fantasized about kissing them, having sex with them, or being in a relationship with them.

I never understood why some people need to be in a relationship to feel good about themselves. I am pretty happy being single.

So that might make me an aromantic asexual.

But I’m not sure that’s entirely true either. Maybe I’m not sure about the definition and range of aromantics.

In the traditional sense of the word, I’m very romantic. I’m a writer who writes romances. I love including “romantic” gestures in my friendships like cooking or sending little notes to cheer them up. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship. I don’t need it to be happy, but if I ever fall in love, of course I would want to start a relationship with that person. I’m convinced that relationships can be a wonderful thing.

Compared to some sexual people I know, my friendships are often more intense (well, not all of them, but I have two or three very close female friends). I prefer a high level of emotional intimacy in my friendships. I also enjoy cuddling with those close friends.

So, what does all of that make me?

Do some of you aromantic people have similar experiences? So far, most aromantic people I read about don’t seem to have the same need for emotional and physical intimacy that I do.

[Janus the Fox]

You're not alone. I kinda simply don't understand relationships either. I'm an Aromantic Asexual that does have just a few intellectual curiosities sexual and romantic for men and women. I would give a relationship a go, but have profound social difficulties or any desire to do so. It seems, a relatable intellectual person to speak to at not even at friendship level is enough to me to function.    

[asexywriter]

I'm an Aromantic Asexual that does have just a few intellectual curiosities sexual and romantic for men and women. I would give a relationship a go, but have profound social difficulties or any desire to do so.

Thanks for replying.

I find it very interesting how different people can experience things even if they fall within the same label. I don't have any social difficulties and I like the emotional closeness within my friendships. It's not that I don't understand relationships, I just don't understand the need to be in a relationship -- unless I would fall in love. But since I've never been in love, I'm happy being single.

[byanyotherusername]

In the traditional sense of the word, I’m very romantic. I’m a writer who writes romances. I love including “romantic” gestures in my friendships like cooking or sending little notes to cheer them up. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship. I don’t need it to be happy, but if I ever fall in love, of course I would want to start a relationship with that person. I’m convinced that relationships can be a wonderful thing.

Compared to some sexual people I know, my friendships are often more intense (well, not all of them, but I have two or three very close female friends). I prefer a high level of emotional intimacy in my friendships. I also enjoy cuddling with those close friends.

So, what does all of that make me?

Do some of you aromantic people have similar experiences? So far, most aromantic people I read about don’t seem to have the same need for emotional and physical intimacy that I do.

Oh, me! Me! I have a lot of friendships that blur the distinctions between friendship and romance...romantic gestures, cuddling, and emotional intimacy are a huge part of that. I have a slight preference for male friends to share these types of relationships with, which also confused me when I realized I was aromantic. I was sure I didn't feel romantic attraction, but I felt a strong platonic attraction toward guys. I wonder if this is a common experience?

The best answer I can give is that your emotional/physical intimacy needs don't affect whether you are aromantic or not--you are aromantic if you do not feel romantic attraction. That is why I identify as aromantic.

Good luck figuring out what label fits you. :)

[ithaca]

The two identical threads have been merged to keep all the answers in one thread only.

ithaca, Admin

[asexywriter]

Thank you for your answer, byanyotherusername.

It seems we have some experiences in common.

I have a lot of friendships that blur the distinctions between friendship and romance

I wouldn't say that I have a LOT of friendships that blur the lines, but I have one or two. For other people, the lines are more blurry than they are for me, though. To me, the friendship is very special, but clearly still a friendship. I'm not confusing it with romantic love (although you might argue that I don't know what romantic love/attraction is, since I never experienced it).

But I can understand how they might look like romantic relationships to other people.

So do you have those close relationships with most of your friends at the same time? In your opinion, how does that emotional attraction differ from romantic attraction?

[byanyotherusername]

Thank you for your answer, byanyotherusername.

It seems we have some experiences in common.

I have a lot of friendships that blur the distinctions between friendship and romance

I wouldn't say that I have a LOT of friendships that blur the lines, but I have one or two. For other people, the lines are more blurry than they are for me, though. To me, the friendship is very special, but clearly still a friendship. I'm not confusing it with romantic love (although you might argue that I don't know what romantic love/attraction is, since I never experienced it).

But I can understand how they might look like romantic relationships to other people.

So do you have those close relationships with most of your friends at the same time? In your opinion, how does that emotional attraction differ from romantic attraction?

I probably should have said "I have had a lot," meaning that it's a pattern, rather than that I have an army of them at the moment. ;)

I would say I have two of these types of relationships currently (and a third with a cousin of mine who lives out-of-state, but who I have maintained a constant intimate connection of this type to throughout the years), but in the past I have had up to four or five people I felt this close to at once, which was lovely. I wouldn't say it's with "most" of my friends, because I have a lot of more casual friendships, as well, with people of varying ages and backgrounds. These connections are pleasant, and more numerous, but qualitatively different than the relationships I was speaking about.

I agree with the line in your post I bolded above. When I say that they "blur the lines" I mean there is a lot of behavior that is typically associated with romance (affectionate gestures, cuddling, even flirting) and is often mistaken as romance by the people who see us interact. It is definitely clear on my side that is friendship and usually on the side of my friend (in the case of my cousin, it has obviously always been clear to both of us that there is no sexual/romantic component, lol). There have been misunderstandings from time to time where someone developed romantic feelings for me and thought they might be returned because of the intensity of the connection. The period where I had four or five of these relationships was during high school, and in more than one of them the other person turned out to be hoping it would lead to a wholly different type of intimacy.

Yes, there are always those that argue that we can't know what romantic attraction is if we don't experience it, but if we were experiencing it, then wouldn't we know? :lol: All I can say is, I don't relate to how people describe their experiences of romantic attraction--a desire to form an exclusive emotional bond with someone, share the majority of my life experiences with that person, and give him/her substantial access to my personal space. Another way to put it is that I want my own life that overlaps in places with others, not a joint life with another person. I can have close bonds with multiple people at once, and, in fact, crave the variety/balance.

While the physical intimacy is nice, it isn't a necessary component, and I can remain just as emotionally close to friends of this type who move away (as in the case of my cousin) as ones who stay. I will always need friends with whom I can meet my physical intimacy needs, but I feel just as close in friendships that are emotionally but not physically intimate--whereas the physical aspect is very important in a romantic relationship, and a big part of what makes long distance romantic relationships so difficult.

These are the main differences I see. Mostly, going back to one of the first things I said, if I were feeling romantic attraction, or a desire to have a romantic relationship with a person, I think I would know it. And I don't.

I hope that wasn't too confusing. Good luck and let me know if you have any other questions. :)

[AlineDaryen]

Yes, there are always those that argue that we can't know what romantic attraction is if we don't experience it, but if we were experiencing it, then wouldn't we know? :lol: All I can say is, I don't relate to how people describe their experiences of romantic attraction--a desire to form an exclusive emotional bond with someone, share the majority of my life experiences with that person, and give him/her substantial access to my personal space. Another way to put it is that I want my own life that overlaps in places with others, not a joint life with another person. I can have close bonds with multiple people at once, and, in fact, crave the variety/balance.

This. Sums it up perfectly for me.

[asexywriter]

I wouldn't say it's with "most" of my friends, because I have a lot of more casual friendships, as well, with people of varying ages and backgrounds. These connections are pleasant, and more numerous, but qualitatively different than the relationships I was speaking about.

I also have varying degrees of closeness and intimacy in my friendships. I have acquaintances and casual friends with whom I would never want to cuddle or share my thoughts and feelings. That is restricted to a few very close friends.

I don't relate to how people describe their experiences of romantic attraction--a desire to form an exclusive emotional bond with someone, share the majority of my life experiences with that person, and give him/her substantial access to my personal space. Another way to put it is that I want my own life that overlaps in places with others, not a joint life with another person. I can have close bonds with multiple people at once, and, in fact, crave the variety/balance.

I do want to share my important life experiences with my close friends, but I don't see that as something that belongs solely into romantic relationships.

I will always need friends with whom I can meet my physical intimacy needs, but I feel just as close in friendships that are emotionally but not physically intimate

I know what you mean. I have friends with whom I'm emotionally close, but cuddling with them would just feel wrong.

Physical closeness is not a necessity for emotional closeness, but one can go hand in hand with the other.

Mostly, going back to one of the first things I said, if I were feeling romantic attraction, or a desire to have a romantic relationship with a person, I think I would know it. And I don't.

Same here. In a way, it would be so much easier to just label my feelings as romantic attraction and start a relationship. In a relationship, it's socially accepted and normal to get the kind of emotional and physical intimacy that I want from my close friends. It's easy to mistake the desire for intimacy for romantic attraction, but it's not the same.

[Quiverfree]

Have you checked the first post on the Romance vs Romantic Identities thread? For me, it's the most comprehensible statement on this topic so far.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Have you checked the first post on the Romance vs Romantic Identities thread? For me, it's the most comprehensible statement on this topic so far.

A gem, indeed!

I'm not sure of how much use my perspective would be. Quite probably I'm just simply broken by the things that have happened to me and can never be put back together again in a form that anyone would want in as an erotic partner. Maybe as compensation and as a result of having been close to the edge of life for so long, I just love life for what it is, not for what I'll never have from it in the way of intimate sexual relationships. It's usually enough to have interesting travelling companions who know of and aren't put off by what others would think of as an affliction.

A Filial type of love has always been enough for me. Eros has always left me with feet of stone. Maybe it's because of my natural androgyny, having felt like I don't fit in either world. If Lawrence's line in Whales Weep Not is any indicator-- "They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all"-- maybe I was never intended to walk on the 'land'? But just maybe the only difference between me and the other inhabitants is that I have to always surface to get my oxygen even though I fear being washed up onto a beach to die alone just as they do?

*sighs* Who knows the mysteries of the human heart?