Am I aromantic or is this an Aspie thing?

[contradictionary]

After some experimentation I've got a strange list of things I like and don't like. I don't know what it means. I'm diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome but it's very mild; I don't have many problems socialising at all anymore and I'm not usually shy. I also don't have the symptom of not being able to read facial expressions or tone of voice, so that is not what makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I'm so exceptionally good at it that I think of it as a kind of savant skill: even when I didn't have a clue how to make friends or normal conversation, and frequently misunderstood people's words and intentions, I could read body language and voice tone for emotion better than the great majority of neurotypicals can, and this is confirmed by tests that scientists have derived to measure the ability, like the 'Mind in the Eyes' test. I get all of them right. I don't know anyone else who can do that and it probably accounts for just how well I eventually managed to learn social skills. I perceived people's reactions to things even though I didn't understand them.

OK so things I like:

• Hugs and being touched by friends.
  
• Saying and hearing "I love you" as long as it's not romantic love and there isn't immediate emotion behind it. It has to be delivered casually or as a simple statement of fact or it will make me uncomfortable.
  
• Having sex with people as long as I don't know them well, although I don't seek it out beyond experimentation because I can do the job myself.
  
• Watching porn.
  
• Watching or imagining OTHER PEOPLE being romantic and soppy, depending on the couple. When I get squishes on people, I sometimes like to "ship" them with other people, but not with myself.
  

Things that make me uncomfortable:

• Holding hands in a romantic way.
  
• Someone looking at me like they love me romantically, even if I have what I believe is a kind of squish on them.
  
• Someone expressing how or why they like me so much when I know their feelings are romantic.
  
• Someone expressing any kind love or affection in too much of an immediate way, like saying "I love you" as if they're feeling it right now.
  
• This might sound completely different but it seems very much related, to me: I've always HATED anyone expressing sympathy for me emotively at all, and it's extremely difficult for me to do so for anyone else because of the same icky-sicky feeling. When I felt ill as a child, I would rather let it go untreated and go to school, than tell my parents or teachers, because I so badly detested the feeling I got when anyone said something like "aww, poor you", especially if their eyes said it as well. This lead my family to say I was 'hard' but should stop expecting other people to be, when in fact I'm extremely sensitive in every way; I just have weird phobic reactions to open expressions of sympathy, and when directed at me, of affection too.

Does this sound like aromantism? Is it normal to have the same reaction to the idea of romance as a seven year old boy when it involves you personally, but think other people's romances are sweet? Or is it a kind of psychological barrier associated with AS? I don't feel sad about it, wouldn't I feel sad about it if I was due to some kind of psychological block?

[AlineDaryen]

Everything you write here applies to me too and I'm not diagnosed with anything (apart from rather high IQ, if you can call that a syndrome). But I never got tested for Asperger's, so I have no idea if it is typical or not. Sounds like being an ordinary aromantic to me.

People think it strange that I love watching romantic couples, having them around me, reading and writing romances and "ship" my favourite people (real or fictional) with other people while being aromantic myself. Well, that's just the way I am. Lately I've been thinking that it's some kind of compensatory mechanism to deal with living among so many romantics and in a society where romance is so highly valued. It's probably not very normal, but it's hurting noone and my friends say it's one of the things that make me at least a bit human, so that's probably good. :D Maybe it could be called romantic-positive?

[Vampyremage]

Moved from Asexual Q&A to A/Romantic Identities

Asexual Q&A Moderator

Vampyremage

[contradictionary]

Thanks AlineDeryen and Vampyremage, I deleted my replies accidentally but the reply and the move to the correct forum were both helpful. :)

I think what I need to investigate further is the notion of a romance drive in the absence of romantic attraction. I don't know whether my squishes count as romantic attraction or not, and I don't think I will know until I explore further what kind of relationship I would actually feel comfortable about with those people. Unfortunately experimenting with squishes is far more of a problem than experimenting with NSA sex. I think I will have to practice some intense visualisation in a darkened room instead.

[ithaca]

This thread collects many links to discussions on aromanticism: http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/73978-the-aromantic-threads-index/

These links are on the topic of romance drive with no romantic attraction, or similar:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/78476-aromantic-but-with-romantic-desire/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/50268-aromantic-with-romance-drive/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/65745-romantic-attraction-without-the-relationship/

[Janus the Fox]

I see you like listing things! :lol: I'm also diagnosed Aspergers, more severe. I'm oblivious to anything romantic as listed above. I seem passive and questionable why people engage in romantic activities...  

[ithaca]

I see you like listing things! :lol: 

I'm a little obsessed with lists :lol: I like researching, it's one of the reasons I chose "Project Admin" as a role ;) It requires patience and lots of research.

Besides that, I think it's really important to give members some links to threads and opinions they could relate to :) reading something that sounds similar to how you think/feel can help feeling "not broken and not alone", which is the most important thing of AVEN, to me

[Quiverfree]

I'm officially diagnosed Aspie and reasonably sure I'm aromantic, but I'm not in enough contact with the wider Aspie world to say for sure what's an Asperger thing and what isn't. Here's a point-by-point comparison of your experience and mine, in case it's any help.

Things you like:

• Hugs. I mildly dislike them.
  
• "I love you." I don't mind this, but I care more about actions than sentiments, so I don't think it's really necessary to say.
  
• Sex. Virgin, but sexual, so presumably I would like it.
  
• Porn. Like.
  
• Watching or imagining other people being "soppy." Don't like at all, in fact I feel threatened by it, though I might be indifferent if I could be open about my own aromanticism.
  

Things you don't like:

• "Romantic" hand-holding, gazes, and compliments. These have never happened to me, and I wouldn't be able to tell they were intended romantically unless someone tipped me off. So I wouldn't react to the gesture any differently than if it was non-romantic, but I would feel threatened by the romantic intention if I knew about it.
  
• People expressing love in an "immediate" way. I find it mildly unnerving.
  
• Expressions of sympathy. I don't mind them at all.
  

Does this sound like aromantism? Is it normal to have the same reaction to the idea of romance as a seven year old boy when it involves you personally, but think other people's romances are sweet? Or is it a kind of psychological barrier associated with AS? I don't feel sad about it, wouldn't I feel sad about it if I was due to some kind of psychological block?

I would guess that the bolded part is more related to aromanticism than AS, because it sounds like it affects romance specifically and not other social interactions. On a side note, though, I wouldn't consider the psychological barrier argument very relevant. I know my Asperger's has nothing to do with psychological blocks, and my impression was that AS generally didn't. The differences between me and NT's seem just like personality differences among NT's, only bigger.

[contradictionary]

Thanks you, to the last three people who posted. I've been looking around and thinking and I think lithromantic might describe me the best. It seems that like aromantics, a lot of lithromantics are or suspect they are on the autism spectrum. Although I have had crushes that I've been disappointed not to have reciprocated, I think this is probably because I was excited in anticipation of finally experiencing a romantic relationship as fulfilling instead of weird and off-putting. The expectation is that when you find 'the right person' you will feel comfortable sharing romantic moments with them, but that's never been true for me, as of yet, and I always guessed that it would just have to be someone very special, so every new crush brings excitement that I might finally take part in this common aspect of human experience. When I think of the crush I have now on a friend, I really don't know whether or not I would once again feel repulsed if they ever made a move, I find it hard to imagine one way or the other, but that's what's happened every other time.