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Aromantic homosexual. :/


King

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Hello!

I was indirectly suggested to visit AVEN from another forum in regards to feelings I've been having. I apologize in advance if this is the wrong spot to ask about being aromantic...

So anyways, this forum I visit is for LGBT people to meet others, get help for coming out, yadda yadda. I've identified as a gay male for almost four years now, which is admittedly because of my pure sexual attraction to men. I'm not one of those people who found out they were gay because they got a crush on their male friend (which seems to be common). I've based me being gay solely on the fact that I'm attracted sexually to men.

It was on said forum that it was possible to have a romantic orientation as well as a sexual orientation. Perfect, I thought. Because I truly haven't felt romantic attraction to either gender as of yet.

The reason I branched out to AVEN for help, as opposed to my regular forum, is that quite honestly this other forum is shit as far as giving me any help that I need. SO. I'm here, asking people who might actually understand:

Is it possible to be an aromantic homosexual? Is it possible to identify as aromantic and possibly end up having feelings for people? Because I'm afraid I'll tell people I'm aromantic and then meet someone who totally changes my views. But in my gut, I feel like this won't happen - I don't think I'm able to have a successful romantic relationship with someone.

Any help would REALLY be appreciated. Thanks a lot!

(P.S. I've purposely left my age out of it because I don't want it to be a factor in what I may or may not be. I don't want to seem "too young" or "too old" or too anything. Thanks :D)

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ignoranceisn'tbliss

Is it possible to be an aromantic homosexual? Is it possible to identify as aromantic and possibly end up having feelings for people? Because I'm afraid I'll tell people I'm aromantic and then meet someone who totally changes my views. But in my gut, I feel like this won't happen - I don't think I'm able to have a successful romantic relationship with someone.

Yes. Yes (and I've heard it said that the same can happen in terms of sexual feelings. I believe the term used is "fluid orientation." Not something I have much knowledge of though, so you should ask other people).

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Janus the Fox

Yeah, there's no real rule with labels, use whatever feels best for you.

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Lady Heartilly

I've read about some people on here who identify as aromantic and ended up getting into a relationship. Therefore, it's okay to identify as aromantic if you meet someone who makes you want to start a romantic relationship. Asexuals can have sex, and some can even enjoy it, so it's okay to keep calling yourself aromantic even if you wind up in a relationship someday.

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Welcome! :cake: I hope that AVEN will be an aid to you.

I believe that most of our members feel, as some have already pointed out, that the labels are for you to decide. If a label "fits" with you at this time, you are free to use it, and even change it later should it make sense to do so.

Additionally, all combinations of gender, romantic orientation, and sexual orientation are valid, and these labels are determined by your identity/feelings and not by your physical sex/behaviors (i.e. you can be in a relationship and still be aromantic, or can have male genitalia and still identify as any gender).

I hope this helps!

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Is it possible to be an aromantic homosexual? Is it possible to identify as aromantic and possibly end up having feelings for people? Because I'm afraid I'll tell people I'm aromantic and then meet someone who totally changes my views. But in my gut, I feel like this won't happen - I don't think I'm able to have a successful romantic relationship with someone.

Yes, it is possible to be an aromantic homosexual. I don't know if we have anyone who identifies that exact orientation on AVEN (can't think of anyone off the top of my head, please chime in if I'm wrong!), but I'm an aromantic heterosexual. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk.

Yes, it is possible to end up having feelings for people. People change. The person you are today is probably not going to be the same one you are 10 years from now, but there's no way to know what will be different and what will stay the same. In addition, your own views on what defines a successful romantic relationship may change.

Don't fear the change. If it happens it happens. Yes, it will potentially be embarrassing, to have to tell friends and family that no, you're not aromantic anymore. And the judgement could be harsh. The idea of "there's someone out there for you" is so prevalent that I bet the numbers of "I told you so" will be excruciatingly high. It is your choice to tell people your orientation in the first place.

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If by any chance AVEN doesn't fulfill your needs, there are other sites for aromantics as well! Aroplane is one. People talk about it on tumblr too, so if you like tumblr, it's there.

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as most said everything is possible, and labels are for you to use :)

I knew I was aromantic when I got myself into relationship (and after having sex multiple times with my partner realized that something was off and found out asexuality) you might have feelings for the person but once you lack romantic attraction the those feelings are far from romantic.

aromantics engage in relationships if a certain person (or more than one) works for them

asexuals do have sex if they find it in them to do so

like homosexuals have sex with the opposite sex for their own reasons and vice versa without feeling sexual attraction towards the person they are having sex with.

have some :cake: :cake: :cake: relax, time is all yours to decide what fits you better :)

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Moved from Asexual Q&A to A/Romantic Identities.

Asexual Q&A Moderator

Vampyremage

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Thank you everyone who responded! :) (And to the mod for moving this... My apologies!)

I have a few more questions, just to clarify I guess. I know at the end of the day only I can label myself, but I'm genuinely curious about being aromantic.

I usually see myself with someone in the future (essentially I guy, because I am homosexual) and I enjoy the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life - but on deeper inspection, I only ever view it as a "best friends with benefits" situation. We share finances and buy a house together, get a dog together, that sort of stuff. The thing is, with sex, I want it to be emotional. I don't want sex with NSA. I want there to be something, I just don't know if I'm capable of building that sort of attachment with someone.

Sorry if I'm being confusing or anything... I'm just unsure. Is any of the above typical of someone who is aromantic? :s

(P.S. I really appreciate any help. Any advice I get from the forum I usually frequent is "You just haven't met that person yet" and that doesn't really help...)

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Aromantics on this site frequently bring up the idea of "best friends" as companions, so it makes sense that for you it would be a "best friends with benefits" as your optimal situation. Which is to say, while I've not run into your specific situation before (pretty new here myself), I think what you're describing fits well with the "aromantic consensus." check out some aromantic threads and see what you can find (try searching on keywords, search bar's at the top right).

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Aromantics on this site frequently bring up the idea of "best friends" as companions, so it makes sense that for you it would be a "best friends with benefits" as your optimal situation. Which is to say, while I've not run into your specific situation before (pretty new here myself), I think what you're describing fits well with the "aromantic consensus." check out some aromantic threads and see what you can find (try searching on keywords, search bar's at the top right).

Searching isn't really necessary.

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Welcome! I'm aromantic and bi tending towards straight. I can't think of any regular members who are aromantic homosexual, but we did have this thread a few months ago. Like maven, I'm open to talking by PM if you want.

As for whether you're completely aromantic: well, there's probably no completely reliable way to tell, but your gut should count for a lot. If you've been analyzing yourself for four years, you probably have enough evidence to make a good guess. Sometimes people find out they need to change labels, and that's totally legitimate too. It's not like aromantics will refuse to talk to you or anything.

Thank you everyone who responded! :) (And to the mod for moving this... My apologies!)

I have a few more questions, just to clarify I guess. I know at the end of the day only I can label myself, but I'm genuinely curious about being aromantic.

I usually see myself with someone in the future (essentially I guy, because I am homosexual) and I enjoy the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life - but on deeper inspection, I only ever view it as a "best friends with benefits" situation. We share finances and buy a house together, get a dog together, that sort of stuff. The thing is, with sex, I want it to be emotional. I don't want sex with NSA. I want there to be something, I just don't know if I'm capable of building that sort of attachment with someone.

Sorry if I'm being confusing or anything... I'm just unsure. Is any of the above typical of someone who is aromantic? :s

(P.S. I really appreciate any help. Any advice I get from the forum I usually frequent is "You just haven't met that person yet" and that doesn't really help...)

There doesn't seem to be any "typical aromantic," but I think you're well within the range that's turned up so far. I'm much more on the NSA end as far as sex goes, but at the same time I can see myself in a social relationship that's otherwise a lot like the one you describe. I just wouldn't be able to attach social strings to my sex, or sexual strings to my relationships. But I've heard of other sexyaros who sound much closer to what you're talking about. Aromanticism is such a new concept and we're still figuring out how it works for different people, to be honest.

Sorry your other forum isn't showing more understanding. It's great to hear that the concept of romantic orientation is circulating out there in the larger LGBT world, though!

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Aromantics on this site frequently bring up the idea of "best friends" as companions, so it makes sense that for you it would be a "best friends with benefits" as your optimal situation. Which is to say, while I've not run into your specific situation before (pretty new here myself), I think what you're describing fits well with the "aromantic consensus." check out some aromantic threads and see what you can find (try searching on keywords, search bar's at the top right).

Searching isn't really necessary.

Oh, thanks for reminding me to update it ^_^ :cake:

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Aromantics on this site frequently bring up the idea of "best friends" as companions, so it makes sense that for you it would be a "best friends with benefits" as your optimal situation. Which is to say, while I've not run into your specific situation before (pretty new here myself), I think what you're describing fits well with the "aromantic consensus." check out some aromantic threads and see what you can find (try searching on keywords, search bar's at the top right).

Searching isn't really necessary.

Oh, thanks for reminding me to update it ^_^ :cake:

That was actually the furthest thing from my mind at that moment. Thanks for the cake though.

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Aromantics on this site frequently bring up the idea of "best friends" as companions, so it makes sense that for you it would be a "best friends with benefits" as your optimal situation. Which is to say, while I've not run into your specific situation before (pretty new here myself), I think what you're describing fits well with the "aromantic consensus." check out some aromantic threads and see what you can find (try searching on keywords, search bar's at the top right).

Searching isn't really necessary.

Oh, thanks for reminding me to update it ^_^ :cake:

That was actually the furthest thing from my mind at that moment. Thanks for the cake though.

LOL I now realize it may sound differently than I meant :lol: I just meant that you randomly reminded me to update it, not that you meant to do so. Even if it was not intentional, I felt like thanking you :) Have more cake :cake: :cake:

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Thank you everybody, once again. :)

I've been thinking about everything, and "calling" myself aromantic in my head. I looked at myself and thought, "I'm aromantic" and it felt right. Of course, that doesn't really mean everything I need it to. Just because it feels right doesn't mean it's true.

I've been having some difficulty, I guess, understanding being aromantic. In one way, I certainly don't want to be alone for the rest of my life - but at the same time, I kind of do. I truly don't think I have it in me to love someone for all they're worth, and cherish them and desire them like most people in relationships seem to. I'm at a point in my life where if I met someone who I thought was interesting, I would consider dating them. Seeing where it went. Part of me wants to continue this, and see if maybe somebody can "pull me out" of this and make me see that I can have feelings like that for someone. But another part of me keeps saying "It's not worth it, you can't do it".

I'm just confused at this point. I thought I had it all figured out. :(

Advice?

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Welcome! :cake: I hope that AVEN will be an aid to you.

I believe that most of our members feel, as some have already pointed out, that the labels are for you to decide. If a label "fits" with you at this time, you are free to use it, and even change it later should it make sense to do so.

Additionally, all combinations of gender, romantic orientation, and sexual orientation are valid, and these labels are determined by your identity/feelings and not by your physical sex/behaviors (i.e. you can be in a relationship and still be aromantic, or can have male genitalia and still identify as any gender).

I hope this helps!

I agree with this. A person's sexual and romantic orientations are determined by how that person feels and labels are used for a person to describe their feelings/preferences to other people.

I once met a guy who when I told ihim I love women thought I didn't come across that way because I was reserved. :rolleyes: I didn't deny being introverted and maybe a bit reserved in a new environment but that's my personality whereas my love for women is my feelings. If only more people could understand that your bioogical sex and behaviour does not determine how you feel or what you identify as.

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Er, I'm not very good with social advice, but I'll put some thoughts out there. Hopefully they'll be more helpful than harmful.

I've been having some difficulty, I guess, understanding being aromantic. In one way, I certainly don't want to be alone for the rest of my life - but at the same time, I kind of do.

Actually, being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean you'll be alone for the rest of your life. Lots of people have close, committed non-romantic relationships of one sort or another. And if you do want to be alone, that's just as good! It means you have one less need in life, and you can pay more attention to the things that actually matter to you. Our culture tells us that you're somehow worth more if you're in a romantic relationship, but that's not true. What you're worth is the good you do in the world, and romance is just one possibly good thing out of many.

I truly don't think I have it in me to love someone for all they're worth, and cherish them and desire them like most people in relationships seem to. I'm at a point in my life where if I met someone who I thought was interesting, I would consider dating them. Seeing where it went. Part of me wants to continue this, and see if maybe somebody can "pull me out" of this and make me see that I can have feelings like that for someone. But another part of me keeps saying "It's not worth it, you can't do it".

It sounds like you want romance in some way and you've been wondering whether you can feel it. It might be just as helpful to investigate why you want to feel it. Do you want it instinctively and spontaneously, or do you want it because people taught you to want it? If it's an instinct, than probably there are people out there who you will click with, if you can just meet them. If it's learned, then probably you can unlearn it.

It's hard to say what that translates to in practice because I have no dating experience and don't know much about it. Since you haven't made up your mind, it sounds like a good idea to keep dating interesting people, as long as you're honest with them that you're not sure yet what level of commitment you're looking for. Keep examining your own feelings, and if things don't work out, try to tell whether the relationship or the person was the problem. Some aros don't question their orientation until they're in a relationship with someone who ought to be compatible and they still don't feel what they're "supposed" to. At the same time, keep your eye on places where the aromantic spectrum is being discussed, like AVEN, AroPlane, and Tumblr, and see what concepts are relevant to your situation.

I'm just confused at this point. I thought I had it all figured out. :(

Yeah, everything is confusing! I thought I had myself figured out years ago. Then, a few months ago, I found out that there were other aromantic sexuals - and yet lots of the things that I thought were direct consequences of it didn't apply to them. So even though I'm sure I am aromantic, my theory of the world is in total confusion. The important thing is to stay in touch with who you are yourself, I guess.

Whew, that got longer than it was supposed to. Good luck sorting out whether it's any good!

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