aromantic but with romantic desire?

[banana monkey]

Just wandering is it possible that I could be aromantic (ie not experience romantic attraction) but still expereience romantic desire (ie want a romantic relationship)(though I dont think it would be possible) or are the 2 not mutually exclusive.

[ithaca]

I know there are people who think it's possible to be aromantic and desire a romantic relationship.

I personally think it's not. It can happen that an aromantic ends up in a romantic relationship (if their queerplatonic relationship turns out romantic on the other side or whatever), though I imagien it's not easy.

But I don't think that desiring a romantic relationship and being aromantic can get along well as concepts.

Just my opinion, as I said.

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

I know there are people who think it's possible to be aromantic and desire a romantic relationship.

I personally think it's not. It can happen that an aromantic ends up in a romantic relationship (if their queerplatonic relationship turns out romantic on the other side or whatever), though I imagien it's not easy.

But I don't think that desiring a romantic relationship and being aromantic can get along well as concepts.

Just my opinion, as I said.

I am going to have to disagree. I remember some asexuals not being attracted to anyone but desiring sex for physical pleasure. The same could apply here. If you want that romantic relationship or support it brings,but never actually be attracted to anyone. You could argue that this is more in the Gray A area or Grey romantic, but there is a difference between desire and attraction.

[Chocolates and Aces]

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[ithaca]

I saw the question as being more in "desiring a romantic relationship with someone", like having this desire because of someone. Then that means your desire is directed, and i don't know, I find it weird.

Fantasizing is different, though.

Sometimes I wish I could feel sexual/romantic attraction, but it seems different.

[Howard]

Since there are asexuals with active sex lives, I don't see why there wouldn't be aromantics with romantic lives and liking it, that is have no pull towards it but still wanting what they got.

[Ace McHeeb]

This is what tripped me up for most of my life. I always liked fictional romances and thought that's what I wanted out of life. I could never figure out why I sucked at relationships so much! Turns out I enjoy being alone and reading/watching fictional characters fall in love; but actually BEING in love? Not for me. (That Demi Lovato song makes me ANGRY! If the guy says he'll never fall in love, you turn around and walk away! You don't sit there and force him to change his mind so you can have your own selfish way.)

[Guest]

Just wandering is it possible that I could be aromantic (ie not experience romantic attraction) but still expereience romantic desire (ie want a romantic relationship)(though I dont think it would be possible) or are the 2 not mutually exclusive.

I can just say from experience that the opposite is most definitely possible (romance repulsed romantic here :) ).

I guess it's back to what exactly "desire" is to mean... to go with the difference Skullery Maid made in another thread, I could easily see an aro want a romantic 'ship (e.g., because it very strongly is the expected thing to do in today's society, so they'd want one to "fit in"), but I find it difficult to imagine them desire one (have an intrinsic "drive" towards being in one).

[ithaca]

Just wandering is it possible that I could be aromantic (ie not experience romantic attraction) but still expereience romantic desire (ie want a romantic relationship)(though I dont think it would be possible) or are the 2 not mutually exclusive.

I can just say from experience that the opposite is most definitely possible (romance repulsed romantic here :) ).

I guess it's back to what exactly "desire" is to mean... to go with the difference Skullery Maid made in another thread, I could easily see an aro want a romantic 'ship (e.g., because it very strongly is the expected thing to do in today's society, so they'd want one to "fit in"), but I find it difficult to imagine them desire one (have an intrinsic "drive" towards being in one).

That is basically what I might be trying to say as well "Desiring" sounds like a natural drive, to me.

[Struggling Bee]

The difference I would make would be whether it's because of a specific person. A romantic orientation would mean you feel "romantic attraction" to (fill in the blank). Romantic desire would be wanting to feel that way but not, or wanting something culture considers "romantic" but not with a specific person. I think that follows the layout of the sexual spectrum definitions.

Whether or not people experiencing that form of romantic desire would identify as romantic for their orientation, whether out of convenience or using different definitions, I don't know.

Also, I cannot define the word romantic in any context, so have some quotation marks.

[Quiverfree]

Romantic desire would be wanting to feel that way but not, or wanting something culture considers "romantic" but not with a specific person. I think that follows the layout of the sexual spectrum definitions.

Whether or not people experiencing that form of romantic desire would identify as romantic for their orientation, whether out of convenience or using different definitions, I don't know.

Also, I cannot define the word romantic in any context, so have some quotation marks.

If someone had an involuntary, innate desire for romantic relationships, but not with a specific person, I'm not clear how that feels different from having romantic attraction to all people. I have the same question about sexual attraction, too. I'm not saying there isn't a valid distinction in there somewhere, I'm just confused about it.

[Struggling Bee]

If someone had an involuntary, innate desire for romantic relationships, but not with a specific person, I'm not clear how that feels different from having romantic attraction to all people. I have the same question about sexual attraction, too. I'm not saying there isn't a valid distinction in there somewhere, I'm just confused about it.

Okay, this is a fascinating viewpoint. I might end up just having a train-of-thought here thinking this through.

If you're attracted to all people, then you'd be attracted to someone you don't know halfway across the world. There is no pull to that specific person.

Or, errr. Okay, I watch Dr. Who with my best friend because my best friend likes it and I want to be near her- so the pull towards Doctor Who is because of her. Or I could watch Doctor Who because I have a desire to watch Doctor Who, and it so happens that I watch it with her (she owns the series, she makes it more enjoyable but that's not the fundemental reason I watch Doctor Who, etc)

They're, in theory, different pulls, even as you end up in the same place.

It could be that you simply like the methods of interaction in romantic relationships. I like saying "I love you" often, but in typical circumstances it's awkward. Around some of my friends, it's not, so I hang out with them more. Some people might find that preferred circumstance to be in a romantic relationship. I don't want to interact this way with THIS friend, I want a friend I can interact THIS way with.

The focus is different? : /

Edit: Hm, I'm having trouble with this and don't have much time. I'll check back in when I'm free, see if I can phrase it better.

[-N-]

Just wandering is it possible that I could be aromantic (ie not experience romantic attraction) but still expereience romantic desire (ie want a romantic relationship)(though I dont think it would be possible) or are the 2 not mutually exclusive.

I think it could be possible. But I don't think an aromantic desiring a romantic relationship would be desiring romance.

Personally, I'm still not sure about my romantic orientation, but I'm leaning towards aromantic. So, for me (I know it's probably different for others), I sometimes desire a romantic relationship because it's considered normal, I don't want to be a creepy loner forever :) , it would be nice to be so close to someone that you could live together, talk about anything, etc.

But I wouldn't describe this as desiring romance, this is wanting the aspects of a romantic relationship that are not necessarily romantic, if that makes sense. I hope this helps! Basically I'm trying to say that I think it depends on your reasons for wanting a romantic relationship, and if you think you could go through with one long term.

[ithaca]

The more I try to sort this out, the more questions i get.

I understand trying to compare romantic desire to sexual desire, but to me sexual desire is the same as libido, it's something physical that may need to be taken care of (masturbation and what have you).

What would be romantic desire? I just don't seem to understand it.

[Notte stellata]

Romantic desire would be wanting to feel that way but not, or wanting something culture considers "romantic" but not with a specific person. I think that follows the layout of the sexual spectrum definitions.

If someone had an involuntary, innate desire for romantic relationships, but not with a specific person, I'm not clear how that feels different from having romantic attraction to all people. I have the same question about sexual attraction, too. I'm not saying there isn't a valid distinction in there somewhere, I'm just confused about it.

I don't think romantic desire means just wanting a romantic relationship but not caring about with whom. Many single people desire romantic relationships, even if they're not romantically attracted to any individual at the moment. It's like "I'm waiting for Mr./Miss Right to come along, but I don't know who that person is yet". It doesn't mean they're romantically attracted to all people.

Similarly, sexuals can desire sex as an act, even if they don't have a particular sexual partner in mind.

I think it could be possible. But I don't think an aromantic desiring a romantic relationship would be desiring romance.

Personally, I'm still not sure about my romantic orientation, but I'm leaning towards aromantic. So, for me (I know it's probably different for others), I sometimes desire a romantic relationship because it's considered normal, I don't want to be a creepy loner forever :) , it would be nice to be so close to someone that you could live together, talk about anything, etc.

But I wouldn't describe this as desiring romance, this is wanting the aspects of a romantic relationship that are not necessarily romantic, if that makes sense. I hope this helps! Basically I'm trying to say that I think it depends on your reasons for wanting a romantic relationship, and if you think you could go through with one long term.

This makes sense. I believe aromantics can desire (or want) a romantic relationship because of social expectation, or because they like certain aspects in a romantic relationship. But I highly doubt they'd desire romance for its own sake.

[Struggling Bee]

I don't think romantic desire means just wanting a romantic relationship but not caring about with whom. Many single people desire romantic relationships, even if they're not romantically attracted to any individual at the moment. It's like "I'm waiting for Mr./Miss Right to come along, but I don't know who that person is yet". It doesn't mean they're romantically attracted to all people.

Similarly, sexuals can desire sex as an act, even if they don't have a particular sexual partner in mind.

(bolding mine)

I was thinking of the word desire to mean a want that has nothing directly to do with orientation/attraction nor with some sort of biological incentive. And in your case, to me, that is still desiring the relationship but NOT because of a person (although, I suppose it could be with the idea that, once they find a person, they'll desire a relationship, but that is slightly different) rather, there is something about such a relationship that they want for its own sake. Am I misunderstanding something?

Also, how would you differentiate between someone who feels romantic attraction and someone who DOES desire romance for its own sake? If someone lacks the attraction but wants a relationship, wouldn't they be aromantic? The ~romantic typically refers only to the experience of romantic attraction, last I heard? Did this change on me? -A mite confused-

I suppose it's like how some asexuals can like sex- some aromantics, I would think, can like "romantic" relationships.

[Notte stellata]

I was thinking of the word desire to mean a want that has nothing directly to do with orientation/attraction nor with some sort of biological incentive. And in your case, to me, that is still desiring the relationship but NOT because of a person (although, I suppose it could be with the idea that, once they find a person, they'll desire a relationship, but that is slightly different) rather, there is something about such a relationship that they want for its own sake. Am I misunderstanding something?

I think your understanding is right. Romantics can desire a relationship for its own sake, but eventually, in most cases, they still need mutual romantic attraction to enter a relationship with someone.

In some older discussions about demiromanticism (which can be found in the pinned thread index), some people said that "full" romantics could desire a relationship even when they don't have a romantic interest at the moment, while demiromantics don't have a "general" romantic desire like that - they only desire a relationship when they're romantically attracted to a specific person (it's not in the definition of demiromanticism, but it seems to apply to many demiromantics). Not sure if this helps. :)

Also, how would you differentiate between someone who feels romantic attraction and someone who DOES desire romance for its own sake? If someone lacks the attraction but wants a relationship, wouldn't they be aromantic?

Honestly I'm not sure. I tend to think romantic attraction and desire for romance go hand in hand, just like sexual attraction and sexual desire. True, you can say some asexuals "desire" sex, but it's a different kind of "desire" from sexuals' desire for sex. Like what -N- said above, it depends on your reasons for wanting a romantic relationship.

[skmetoff]

I think you desire to desire. I often play sceneries in my mind about being in a relationship but I wouldn't know what to do with one in real life. It's more the idea - as someone above said - that it's so hip in the society. Everybody is struggling with dating and meeting "the one" and it's all about this all the time. No wonder some of us don't want to be left out. Like when we were children. If everybody had a dog, you'll most probably want a dog too, even though you wouldn't want one in general. It's human nature.

[Quiverfree]

If you're attracted to all people, then you'd be attracted to someone you don't know halfway across the world. There is no pull to that specific person.

Okay, I didn't mean literally all people, just everyone you met. :)

I've been using "desire" in the most general sense to mean any reason you might have to do the thing it's a desire for.

[banana monkey]

ok ,

sorry i havent checked back on this for a while, i temporaily forgot i had posted it. Just to clarify, I believe I desire a romantic relationship as a concept but dont currently desire that with a specific person. I have never had romantic attraction towards anyone so I was wandering if I could be aromantic but still desire a romantic relationship. I dont have this desire because of or directed towards someone, its just a personal desire of mine. (Like I would desire a certain career, eg. to be a teacher/doctor etc.) Does that make it clearer? Its not that I desire a relationship and dont care with whom. I think I would need to have some sort of attraction in order for the relationship to be romantic. This is why I added that if I am aromantic (i am unsure) I dont think a romantic relationship would be possible, but it doesnt stop me desiring one.

I think Its a bit like struggling bee put it..

I dont want to interact this way with THIS friend/person. I want a friend/person I can interact this way with"

[ithaca]

I understand, I think. Is it like desiring to be able to feel that way? Or to magically/suddenly find yourself in a situation where you meet a person and it just happens that you have that relationship?

Because if it is like that, I can un derstand. I used to hope I met someone I would feel comfortable sexually like all my friends were, someone I would have a normal sexual relationship with. Guess yours is the same with romantic? :cake:

[banana monkey]

yeah, I think it is like that ithaca. Maybe it is possible to have both. I think when I wrote the post I misunderstood slightly about what everyone felt if they felt sexual desire and therefore misunderstood romantic desire by comparison. I think i am also having trouble with is figuring out if I am aromantic because it is defined by a lack of something rather than the presence of something like if I was trying to workout if I was homo or hetroromantic.