Jump to content

My attempt at describing my sexual attraction vs reality.


Froggles

Recommended Posts

I finally had a revelation in which I could properly explain my own experience of sexuality and lack of practical application. My problem is that I don't fully associate with asexuality, nor do I associate with any particular sexual orientation outside of asexuality. I absolutely feel some level of sexual attraction to other people, but the idea of sex or any attempt at sexual intercourse has always left me completely disinterested.

Now, the first reaction I think many have (and I had myself) was to think of this as some form of involuntary celibacy. There are many out there that identify as sexual, but simply don't have intercourse due to a social, psychological, or some other barrier. I honestly don't identify with this. This is possibly TMI, but I've been in several situations where I have been making out with someone I absolutely find attractive, things have gotten very heated, and I've simply completely lost interest. It's not a matter of being nervous or having moral issues whatsoever, it's simply a complete lack of desire to progress further.

I suppose my revelation is that I have a severe disconnect with what goes on in my mind and what goes on in reality. This doesn't just happen with sexuality, but also with a good many things. An example I can think of involves a sort of scenic representation.

Imagine you're out in a mid sized town at something like 4am. There's a poetic tone to the atmosphere, and everything sinks into your skin as you absorb the colors of the streetlights on the sky and sides of buildings. Everything feels wonderful, but suddenly you realize you're alone and have no way to truly experience the moment with others. So, you see a cafe across the street that happens to be open and serving others. This seems like such a wonderful place to be, and your mind truly desires to experience it.

So, you find yourself walking to the cafe and growing excited over the prospect of fulfilling your mind's desire. However, upon entering the cafe, you become genuinely bored at what you find there. Too many night owls have made this place their perch. The tile smells like mop water and the coffee is essentially swill. The interaction you thought you desired is dreadfully void as you realize the only form of humanity in the place is truly an annoyance rather than a blessing.

So it is with sexual attraction for me. I look at a good many people and find a lot of pleasure and, in some fashion, "desire." The problem is that any real application of this desire is absolutely lacking of pleasure for me. Is anyone else like this? I'm still leaning on the idea that asexuality is the only label that really "fits" me, but I honestly don't completely associate with how most here describe themselves.

Just some thoughts. I'd really love to have some commentary on this, because I'm honestly feeling more and more lost, despite the understanding that it doesn't honestly matter for much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Beachwalker

The sexual attraction definition not the only defintion of asexuality. The use of it seems to have been adopted for more political reasons than practical reasons. I think you'll find the common denominator of asexuals is a lack of interest in having sex moreso than anything else. That said its your choice what label if any you choose to use.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The Great WTF

You're not the first person I've heard of who describes a sort of mental disconnect between sexual attraction and the act of sex itself. In fact, there's a charming woman named Lady Girl who I hope will stop by here that is much better at discussing this than I am, as her husband (Mr LG, you may see him around) sounds similar to you in a lot of ways. There are those of us who tend to tack a secondary definition to asexuality along with the traditional "lack of sexual attraction" that says something similar to "does not experience an inherent desire for partnered sex". I tend to fall under both categories, personally, but favor the "lack of desire" definition only because of the ambiguity of sexual attraction and confusion that can be caused by the phrase.

It's a bit of a 'to each their own' case, but as far as I'm concerned that mental disconnect/lack of desire for actual sex can be considered asexual just as much as lack sexual attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Froggles! WTF and Beachwalker have said it pretty well and I do say it a lot. My husband has experienced sexual attraction in varying degrees over the years, but his hesitancy and seeming disconnect somewhere in the process of sexual activity has always been very distinguishable. It was the reason I eventually searched the Internet for an answer to our dilemma. It wasn't as if he wouldn't engage in sexual activity, nor did he fail to complete, he just seemed...disconnected somehow. I've heard other accounts that sound similar. I don't think you're alone in acknowledging experiencing sexual attraction, and being 100% asexual.

I tend to think that the couples who end up finding AVEN are well aware of this lack of desire for sexual relations. What you've described sounds very much like Mr. LG, and we both consider this to be asexuality.

There has been a fair amount of talk over the years and there are actually some very good writings to be found regarding the current definition and how it came to be. The lack of sexual attraction is a model of the asexual identity...not the model. Asexuality can actually be defined in three ways...in terms of preference, desire, or attraction. A descriptive view of asexuality seems preferable over a prescriptive view wouldn't you say?

A celibate person may always be resisting the urge to engage in sexual relations with others. An asexual may not want to have partnered sex and like it that way. That description is indeed a valid asexual concept and should not be discounted.

I wrote something about this some time ago and at the time I asked Mr. LG what asexuality meant to him. He said, "What it means to me is that I'm not interested in having sex. It has to do with a lack of desire more than a lack of attraction. Even when I was young and my body, society, and all my friends told me I wanted to have sex, I really didn't want to have sex. Even when I felt attracted to someone and had some amount of desire, I didn't want to have sex. Attraction has always been there, just no desire to have sex other than to make you happy. To me asexuality is not wanting to have sex with people/partnered sex, hence the word asexual."

He makes it pretty clear doesn't he? I had to laugh a little at the number of times he said he didn't want to have sex. I think he feels that AVEN should be more open to the concept of asexuality being descriptive for people and not so prescriptive with its seemingly unreasonable attachment to the lack of sexual attraction definition. The definition should be a guidepost, not something set in stone.

Again, I agree with Beachwalker and WTF in their assessment of all this as well. Thanks you guys!

So yes Froggles, others feel like you! You're not lost...not at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train

I think I understand this - even though it isn't quite exactly my own experience. My own personal definition of my asexuality (I'm demisexual, but quite far to the black side of the spectrum for the most part, so in practice I think I look at the world through more or less ace eyes) is mostly centred around having a disconnect between mental and physical interests in sex...

My own case is quite easy to explain if you look at Romantic and Sexual attractions as totally separate things. eg. The attraction to cuddle, kiss, spoon, sleep with (in the literal sense), etc, with certain women I find cute and "attractive" is a non-sexual and purely Romantic thing. The sexual component of any such relationship is something that sits in a very abstract and distant place until I get very emotional connected with the person. So in some ways, the whole progression for me can look a little bit like you described, except for the fact that I really don't consciously desire anything sexual upfront (or possibly ever, depending on the person and how the chemistry/connection feels).

That said....

This is possibly TMI, but I've been in several situations where I have been making out with someone I absolutely find attractive, things have gotten very heated, and I've simply completely lost interest. It's not a matter of being nervous or having moral issues whatsoever, it's simply a complete lack of desire to progress further.

This has happened to me too. Back in the days before I knew anything about demisexuality/asexuality, and found myself making out with someone and she wanted to take it "further". I just mentally hit a blank wall at that point, thinking "What's wrong with just continuing lying together and cuddling and making out gently. It's so cozy and warm and nice!" - going any "further" just doesn't seem to exist to my mind, outside of very specific emotional connections to people.

I hope some of this helps in some way, even though there isn't much direct parallel to your train of thought. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Notte stellata

The lack of sexual attraction is a model of the asexual identity...not the model. Asexuality can actually be defined in three ways...in terms of preference, desire, or attraction. A descriptive view of asexuality seems preferable over a prescriptive view wouldn't you say?

...

I think he feels that AVEN should be more open to the concept of asexuality being descriptive for people and not so prescriptive with its seemingly unreasonable attachment to the lack of sexual attraction definition. The definition should be a guidepost, not something set in stone.

I agree very much that a descriptive view is better than a prescriptive view. Personally I also prefer the definition based on desire rather than attraction, because 1) it's hard to say what's "sexual attraction"; and 2) it's lack of sexual desire that makes asexuals relate to people in a different way from sexuals.

When I first came to AVEN, the "sexual attraction" thing confused me quite a bit. It's easily conflated with romantic or aesthetic attraction. Even today, I'm not 100% sure if I ever experienced sexual attraction or not (but I'm inclined to say no). But if we use the definition "does not experience an inherent desire for partnered sex", then I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, because I can live happily without sex for the rest of my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Froggles! WTF and Beachwalker have said it pretty well and I do say it a lot. My husband has experienced sexual attraction in varying degrees over the years, but his hesitancy and seeming disconnect somewhere in the process of sexual activity has always been very distinguishable. It was the reason I eventually searched the Internet for an answer to our dilemma. It wasn't as if he wouldn't engage in saexual activity, nor did he fail to complete, he just seemed...disconnected somehow. I've heard other accounts that sound similar. I don't think you're alone in acknowledging experiencing sexual attraction, and being 100% asexual.

I tend to think that the couples who end up finding AVEN are well aware of this lack of desire for sexual relations. What you've described sounds very much like Mr. LG, and we both consider this to be asexuality.

There has been a fair amount of talk over the years and there are actually some very good writings to be found regarding the current definition and how it came to be. The lack of sexual attraction is a model of the asexual identity...not the model. Asexuality can actually be defined in three ways...in terms of preference, desire, or attraction. A descriptive view of asexuality seems preferable over a prescriptive view wouldn't you say?

A celibate person may always be resisting the urge to engage in sexual relations with others. An asexual may not want to have partnered sex and like it that way. That description is indeed a valid asexual concept and should not be discounted.

I wrote something about this some time ago and at the time I asked Mr. LG what asexuality meant to him. He said, "What it means to me is that I'm not interested in having sex. It has to do with a lack of desire more than a lack of attraction. Even when I was young and my body, society, and all my friends told me I wanted to have sex, I really didn't want to have sex. Even when I felt attracted to someone and had some amount of desire, I didn't want to have sex. Attraction has always been there, just no desire to have sex other than to make you happy. To me asexuality is not wanting to have sex with people/partnered sex, hence the word asexual."

He makes it pretty clear doesn't he? I had to laugh a little at the number of times he said he didn't want to have sex. I think he feels that AVEN should be more open to the concept of asexuality being descriptive for people and not so prescriptive with its seemingly unreasonable attachment to the lack of sexual attraction definition. The definition should be a guidepost, not something set in stone.

Again, I agree with Beachwalker and WTF in their assessment of all this as well. Thanks you guys!

So yes Froggles, others feel like you! You're not lost...not at all.

Lady Girl-

Thank you, that really hit home for me and meant quite a lot. I've honestly had a hard time finding posts that I relate to on here, and somehow I've gotten several replies in a row that have really touched me and meant more to me than I knew a forum post could.

Honestly, this is a big part of what I think makes AVEN so wonderful. In addition to addressing very particular circumstances, this might be one of the most open minded, accepting places I've encountered.

I also strongly relate to how Guzica described things. It's so reassuring to just read a couple of responses that hit so close to home. It took me a while to understand why having others relate to your situation is important, but now I think I truly understand.

Thanks again (: .

Link to post
Share on other sites
Vampyremage

I agree with most if the above posters. For me, that lack of desire to have partnered sex is much more telling than that ambiguous term that is sexual attraction. I experience some very strong aestetix attraction which isn't so different from sexual attraction and often doesn't feel very different, in and of itself. What is very much different is the fact that I have no real desire to engage in sex at all.

I have learned some things now that I am in my first relationship after realizing I am asexual. I have learned that it is easier for me to reach those low levels of arousal than I thought. The right kind of kisses and caresses are enough to get that tingling sensation in the genitals. But I have also learned that it really doesn't matter not does it impact my desire, or lack there if, to have sex. I enjoy the things I enjoy and those things are largely not sex.

I see that fundamental lack of desire for partnered sex to be the practical real life difference between sexuals and asexuals. I think if you ask any mixed partnership what the most difficult aspect of maintaining the relationship is, they aren't going to mention a lack of sexual attraction but are far more likely to mention that lack of sexual desire.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, that lack of desire to have partnered sex is much more telling than that ambiguous term that is sexual attraction. I experience some very strong aesthetic attraction which isn't so different from sexual attraction and often doesn't feel very different, in and of itself. What is very much different is the fact that I have no real desire to engage in sex at all.

I see that fundamental lack of desire for partnered sex to be the practical real life difference between sexuals and asexuals. I think if you ask any mixed partnership what the most difficult aspect of maintaining the relationship is, they aren't going to mention a lack of sexual attraction but are far more likely to mention that lack of sexual desire.

I wish this could be on the front page of AVEN!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Qutenkuddly

For me, that lack of desire to have partnered sex is much more telling than that ambiguous term that is sexual attraction. I experience some very strong aesthetic attraction which isn't so different from sexual attraction and often doesn't feel very different, in and of itself. What is very much different is the fact that I have no real desire to engage in sex at all.

I see that fundamental lack of desire for partnered sex to be the practical real life difference between sexuals and asexuals. I think if you ask any mixed partnership what the most difficult aspect of maintaining the relationship is, they aren't going to mention a lack of sexual attraction but are far more likely to mention that lack of sexual desire.

I wish this could be on the front page of AVEN!

You could certainly point it out in Site Comments to see if a similar description could be added to the supportive descriptions linked from the front page.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You could certainly point it out in Site Comments to see if a similar description could be added to the supportive descriptions linked from the front page.

I'm going to...I just have to wait till I get home so I can properly link it. I think it's really relevant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Beachwalker

You could certainly point it out in Site Comments to see if a similar description could be added to the supportive descriptions linked from the front page.

I'm going to...I just have to wait till I get home so I can properly link it. I think it's really relevant.

I think you should run for mod lady girl!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should run for mod lady girl!

I don't know what to say Beachy. Thank you, and I suppose the For Sexual Partners and Friends would be the forum for me. I would love to give back to the community that I feel practically saved my marriage. I guess I have something to think about.

The lack of sexual attraction is a model of the asexual identity...not the model. Asexuality can actually be defined in three ways...in terms of preference, desire, or attraction. A descriptive view of asexuality seems preferable over a prescriptive view wouldn't you say?

...

I think he feels that AVEN should be more open to the concept of asexuality being descriptive for people and not so prescriptive with its seemingly unreasonable attachment to the lack of sexual attraction definition. The definition should be a guidepost, not something set in stone.

I agree very much that a descriptive view is better than a prescriptive view. Personally I also prefer the definition based on desire rather than attraction, because 1) it's hard to say what's "sexual attraction"; and 2) it's lack of sexual desire that makes asexuals relate to people in a different way from sexuals.

When I first came to AVEN, the "sexual attraction" thing confused me quite a bit. It's easily conflated with romantic or aesthetic attraction. Even today, I'm not 100% sure if I ever experienced sexual attraction or not (but I'm inclined to say no). But if we use the definition "does not experience an inherent desire for partnered sex", then I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, because I can live happily without sex for the rest of my life.

This is really succinct, and at this point I'm inclined to say it would be nice to have both descriptions of the asexual experience more visible.

Froggles is so right, it really is important to have people relate to your situation. I'm really glad you guys are here and share your views.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Coming in after the fact, it is important for people to relate to your situation, it helps one feel better. It means that there are others, even if they are half-way across the planet, that are like you. Maybe they can help? Or maybe they are just proof that you are not "messed up."

I myself can sort of relate to the disconnected feeling. I have never felt a need to go further, though I have felt society's pressure to "get some." I do not know if I have ever felt sexual attraction, but I know I have felt aesthetic attraction. I do not feel sexual desire, and there is a lack of connection between my body's physical response and my mind. It's like you to the bathroom, and you see evidence of your genitalia's response to something. It is a surprise and you don't know what to do with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Imagine you're out in a mid sized town at something like 4am. There's a poetic tone to the atmosphere, and everything sinks into your skin as you absorb the colors of the streetlights on the sky and sides of buildings. Everything feels wonderful, but suddenly you realize you're alone and have no way to truly experience the moment with others. So, you see a cafe across the street that happens to be open and serving others. This seems like such a wonderful place to be, and your mind truly desires to experience it.

So, you find yourself walking to the cafe and growing excited over the prospect of fulfilling your mind's desire. However, upon entering the cafe, you become genuinely bored at what you find there.

I regularly get those moments. I describe those moments as fantasies. Of course, when confronted to people, those desires vanish because I am then in front of people. My attraction is towards my ideas, not the people around me. It's normal and healthy to have fantasies as well as not having attractions towards people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Imagine you're out in a mid sized town at something like 4am. There's a poetic tone to the atmosphere, and everything sinks into your skin as you absorb the colors of the streetlights on the sky and sides of buildings. Everything feels wonderful, but suddenly you realize you're alone and have no way to truly experience the moment with others. So, you see a cafe across the street that happens to be open and serving others. This seems like such a wonderful place to be, and your mind truly desires to experience it.

So, you find yourself walking to the cafe and growing excited over the prospect of fulfilling your mind's desire. However, upon entering the cafe, you become genuinely bored at what you find there.

I regularly get those moments. I describe those moments as fantasies. Of course, when confronted to people, those desires vanish because I am then in front of people. My attraction is towards my ideas, not the people around me. It's normal and healthy to have fantasies as well as not having attractions towards people.

I understand this to be a description of his very real feelings of sexual attraction. Then later when the reality sets in and it comes time for partnered sex, the asexuality (lack of desire for sex to him) seems to show up. Everyone's experiences are different. Those people who know they experience sexual attraction to other people and then experience a lack of desire for partnered sex are not suddenly experiencing a lack of sexual attraction. They know their own experience, and they know how to describe it. It is just as valid as the lack of sexual attraction experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand this to be a description of his very real feelings of sexual attraction. Then later when the reality sets in and it comes time for partnered sex, the asexuality (lack of desire for sex to him) seems to show up. Everyone's experiences are different. Those people who know they experience sexual attraction to other people and then experience a lack of desire for partnered sex are not suddenly experiencing a lack of sexual attraction. They know their own experience, and they know how to describe it. It is just as valid as the lack of sexual attraction experience.

Exactly. It's funny to hear people make the "how do you know you don't like sex until you've tried it?" argument for asexuals, because I actually didn't know I don't like or desire sex until I got intimate with a large enough variety of people to realize it's just how I am. My sexual attraction towards people is very much existent, but it pretty much ends in my own mind. I think it's fair to call that a fantasy, but to say that it's not sexual attraction seems a little off to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

So it is with sexual attraction for me. I look at a good many people and find a lot of pleasure and, in some fashion, "desire." The problem is that any real application of this desire is absolutely lacking of pleasure for me. Is anyone else like this? I'm still leaning on the idea that asexuality is the only label that really "fits" me, but I honestly don't completely associate with how most here describe themselves.

Just some thoughts. I'd really love to have some commentary on this, because I'm honestly feeling more and more lost, despite the understanding that it doesn't honestly matter for much.

You sound exactly like me (though I'm a girl and much younger I think) I sometimes like the idea of kissing or maybe even having a sexual relationship but in reality anything past cuddling makes me really uncomfortable and while kissing someone I just don't feel anything and I'm just waiting for itt o be over. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Although this was posted a while ago, I wanted to add my voice as well. Your description (and many of the replies) resonated very strongly with me.

I've only just begun to explore the idea that I might be asexual, and as I've been reading about the experiences of others I've found my own situation was still somewhat different. I think it took me so long to realize that I might be asexual (I'm 25 and I've been in a fairly serious committed relationship for 3 years), because in my mind I do imagine myself as a sexual person... until I'm confronted with the act of sex itself.

You described it very well when you said that there's a disconnect between what's in your mind and what you feel when confronted with the reality of partnered sex. In situations where there's no prospect of sex (like when I'm in a group setting or with gay men, straight women, etc), I feel very comfortable talking about it and being quite frank about my sexuality. But when I'm in a situation where it looks like it might lead to physical intimacy, I become very modest and shy and my desire disappears completely.

In terms of sex with my boyfriend, I tell myself that it's a matter of catching myself at the right moment when I'm feeling "in the mood". I believed for a long time that it took me longer to feel aroused, but that "if I mentally prepare myself then I'll be ready for the next time". And, inevitably, the next time rolls around and I'm still tense and anxious, not having felt any real pleasure and thinking the same things all over again. *sigh*

Honestly though, it was really wonderful to find your post because it describes the way I feel in a much more elegant way that I've been able to do so far. Reading yours and other posts on AVEN has been helping me refine my own feelings on the subject. So thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
In_Omnia_Paratus

I just mentally hit a blank wall at that point, thinking "What's wrong with just continuing lying together and cuddling and making out gently. It's so cozy and warm and nice!" - going any "further" just doesn't seem to exist to my mind

That's pretty much how my brain has always worked. I'm not Demi, but if I ever found myself sexually attracted to someone, I have always believed it's an entirely different part of my brain. Romanticism (for lack of a better word) and Sexuality don't overlap for me in the slightest.

I'm really glad that you found people to relate with, Froggles. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do imagine myself as a sexual person... until I'm confronted with the act of sex itself.

While I'm probably different, this sounds so familiar to me. I fantasize so much, and I work up all of these great and beautiful scenarios in my head... and then I go to face them, and wham, not interested. Not afraid or anything negative, just simply not interested. I do this with a lot of things, actually. I work up the idea of getting a dog in my head, talk it out with my husband, examine the pros and the cons, research breeds, etc. for months. When the time comes to leave and go see the breeder or shelter or whatever the case is, I can't make myself go. It doesn't feel right. I've done this to myself with wanting to get a dog twice now. The same happened to me with buying a house, I worked it up in my head and discussed it with my husband for months. When it came time to go house hunting, I froze, I couldn't walk out the door - it felt wrong. I wasn't scared or anything it just didn't... feel right. In my head it was perfect, and on paper it was perfect, but the reality when I faced it just didn't line up. Similarly with sex, I'd have sex in the fantasy and I loved it and it was great. But if I faced it in reality, I just simply wasn't interested.

It made me feel like something was wrong with my relationship. I mean realistically I'd know there was nothing wrong, but this disconnect gave me the nagging feeling of "if you really loved him, you'd want it - the fact that you don't want it means that there's someone more amazing out there and you're settling for less than you deserve." Since I found this website, I'm finally realizing that's not true - and it's such a huge relief. I love my husband, and I'm happy with our marriage exactly as it is. It's just other people and society telling me what they think I should be wanting all my life made me feel like there is a flaw in it when there isn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally know what you're saying. I was doing a little research earlier today into asexuality, trying to find some term that fits me, and as I was browsing through the forum, I came across this post. I wanted to respond to it so much, I joined when I otherwise might not have just to do so. This is exactly how I feel, like the bridge between my mind and reality is broken or something. I'm perfectly capable of feeling "attraction" to other people in some way, and I can get aroused thinking about sex to some degree, but I just have absolutely no desire to apply it to reality. It's purely mental for me; any attempt to relate it to the physical is doomed to failure. I love how Howard put it.

My attraction is towards my ideas, not the people around me. It's normal and healthy to have fantasies as well as not having attractions towards people.

That's exactly it for me. I'm able to fantasize, but I have no desire to have those fantasies come to life. And Neree put it well too:

I fantasize so much, and I work up all of these great and beautiful scenarios in my head... and then I go to face them, and wham, not interested.

That's exactly it. I'm honestly not even all that fond of kissing. Managed to go 19 years without ever kissing anyone, and when I finally did, it was just like, "what's the big deal?" and also mildly uncomfortable. And I certainly have no desire to really ever go any further. But I can still fantasize about it without ever actually wanting to do it. And I wondered, can I have sexual thoughts but still be asexual? And it seems the answer is yes. I'm really happy to know it's not just me. I kind of always figured there was something wrong with me, that I simply had no desire for what seems to be such a huge part of life, and that I was missing out on something. But, and I don't remember what article I got this from, but it said: you can't actually "miss out" on something you intrinsically don't desire.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally know what you're saying. I was doing a little research earlier today into asexuality, trying to find some term that fits me, and as I was browsing through the forum, I came across this post. I wanted to respond to it so much, I joined when I otherwise might not have just to do so. This is exactly how I feel, like the bridge between my mind and reality is broken or something. I'm perfectly capable of feeling "attraction" to other people in some way, and I can get aroused thinking about sex to some degree, but I just have absolutely no desire to apply it to reality. It's purely mental for me; any attempt to relate it to the physical is doomed to failure. I love how Howard put it.

My attraction is towards my ideas, not the people around me. It's normal and healthy to have fantasies as well as not having attractions towards people.

That's exactly it for me. I'm able to fantasize, but I have no desire to have those fantasies come to life. And Neree put it well too:

I fantasize so much, and I work up all of these great and beautiful scenarios in my head... and then I go to face them, and wham, not interested.

That's exactly it. I'm honestly not even all that fond of kissing. Managed to go 19 years without ever kissing anyone, and when I finally did, it was just like, "what's the big deal?" and also mildly uncomfortable. And I certainly have no desire to really ever go any further. But I can still fantasize about it without ever actually wanting to do it. And I wondered, can I have sexual thoughts but still be asexual? And it seems the answer is yes. I'm really happy to know it's not just me. I kind of always figured there was something wrong with me, that I simply had no desire for what seems to be such a huge part of life, and that I was missing out on something. But, and I don't remember what article I got this from, but it said: you can't actually "miss out" on something you intrinsically don't desire.

Hi Cassie101 and welcome to Aven :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally know what you're saying. I was doing a little research earlier today into asexuality, trying to find some term that fits me, and as I was browsing through the forum, I came across this post. I wanted to respond to it so much, I joined when I otherwise might not have just to do so. This is exactly how I feel, like the bridge between my mind and reality is broken or something. I'm perfectly capable of feeling "attraction" to other people in some way, and I can get aroused thinking about sex to some degree, but I just have absolutely no desire to apply it to reality. It's purely mental for me; any attempt to relate it to the physical is doomed to failure. I love how Howard put it.

My attraction is towards my ideas, not the people around me. It's normal and healthy to have fantasies as well as not having attractions towards people.

That's exactly it for me. I'm able to fantasize, but I have no desire to have those fantasies come to life. And Neree put it well too:

I fantasize so much, and I work up all of these great and beautiful scenarios in my head... and then I go to face them, and wham, not interested.

That's exactly it. I'm honestly not even all that fond of kissing. Managed to go 19 years without ever kissing anyone, and when I finally did, it was just like, "what's the big deal?" and also mildly uncomfortable. And I certainly have no desire to really ever go any further. But I can still fantasize about it without ever actually wanting to do it. And I wondered, can I have sexual thoughts but still be asexual? And it seems the answer is yes. I'm really happy to know it's not just me. I kind of always figured there was something wrong with me, that I simply had no desire for what seems to be such a huge part of life, and that I was missing out on something. But, and I don't remember what article I got this from, but it said: you can't actually "miss out" on something you intrinsically don't desire.

Hey, that's more or less me, too. Sometimes I feel mild attraction (sometimes I don't), and sometimes I feel arousal (aaand again, sometimes I don't), and sexual things can seem really interesting in my head, but outside my imagination? Like, no. Thoughts of kissing, for example, can be great, but I've never actually wanted to kiss anyone, and the few times I tried kissing in reality, you know, for science, I got nothing out of it, and it was all sort of awkward and kind of gross. Same goes for all sexual contact, for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...