Beachwalker Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Skulls got me thinking about this (I miss you Skulls). Do people have sex because of sexual attraction or just because they want sex? I'm thinking its because they have an itch first and then find an agreeable other to scratch it. My friends seem to find their partners on the basis of them having a certain level of aesthetic attractiveness to them but mainly on personality. When they just want sex they care less about the personality and more on the person having some level of aesthetic attractiveness to them. Is this the norm for nonasexuals? Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 My ex-husband, my ex-partner, and some friends (all sexuals) have all told me that the desire to have sex with people can happen at any time. Somtimes when they first see someone who they feel is attractive, and sometimes after they've known someone for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 (Warning: some TMI to follow) I think it can be just because they want sex... Back in the day before I even knew anything about asexuality (or my demisexuality in my case), I remember being mystified by what people mean about "needing sex" as a thing in itself. ie. I never really felt that I "needed" partnered sex, despite being a fairly strong libidoist. So I asked friends to describe what they mean by that. For some guys it literally seems like a totally depersonalised and fairly mechanistic need. I have friends who literally replied along the lines of: "I simply miss the feeling of my penis being inside a woman, and plugging away. It just feels good and more satisfying than masturbation. *shrug*". Then others reported it was a more comprehensive feeling of missing being in a relationship, but in which sex is an important component. So yes, in these cases it's not based on "sexual attraction" per se, but on simply abstractly missing the act of sex. Pretty much any woman who isn't outright repulsive could in theory have done for them at the time, in their own words. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
Wildheart Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 For me personality is key. Physical attractiveness means nothing if the other individual and I have nothing in common personality-wise. And right now I'm not having sex because of a recently ended relationship (3 months ago) and will probably be awhile before I have sex again. I'm feeling the itch but I'd rather scratch it myself for now. When I do have sex it's not going to be some random person I pick up at the bar, but one I have developed a connection with and can trust. Anything beyond kissing freaks me out if I don't know the person REALLY well. I get physically sick and have to leave. Mentioned this in another thread. *shrug* Maybe I'm not the best sexual to ask due to these reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
ZOMBIEFLUFFBALL Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I am different then most sexuals that I know because I really don't get the whole 'needing' sex thing unless I am in love with someone and really its only like a few times a month that I feel I really 'need' it. For me I think its more of a emotional thing then a physical thing. To be honest the idea of having sex with someone I don't love makes me want to gag, it seems wrong and disgusting to me. Shrugs. Yet I do get the physical drive, and can find someone sexually attractive/hot/whatever you want to call it. I just don't get a 'drive' past that to actually seek out a sexual connection with them of course unless I have a close emotional relationship with that person! I don't know though I am weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Jay26 Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Complicated question as there are many reasons to have sex. For example to pro-create, please another person, physical release, etc. Just depends on the person. As I have come to understand asexuality in my life, asexuals do sometimes have sex. At least some of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Cakey Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Because they eat chicken pie! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I don't know for sure that there is a norm for sexual people, but if there is, I think it's along the lines of what the people above who think they're weird feel...it seems like the norm for most sexual people I know is to want to be in a loving, trusting relationship. Most of the members of my family are like this and as a hairstylist I only know three or four men that are on the hypersexual side. Of all the coworkers I've had, two women seemed hypersexual. I think there's a ton of reasons sexual people have sex...they want it, it's available, the other person wants it, they want a baby, etc. I think finding someone sexually attractive means you would have sex with that person if all the other circumstances you regard as necessary for sexual activity exist. For some people, that's not much, for others it's a lot. I also think some people find their partner more sexually attractive after they actually have sex with them. There are also sexual people who don't feel they experience much sexual attraction at all, and yet feel plenty sexual. I don't think that AVEN's definition of asexuality is the only one. Experiencing sexual attraction doesn't make one sexual. Lack of sexual attraction is certainly not the only definer of asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Geo Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I think there's a ton of reasons sexual people have sex...they want it, it's available, the other person wants it, they want a baby, etc. I think finding someone sexually attractive means you would have sex with that person if all the other circumstances you regard as necessary for sexual activity exist. For some people, that's not much, for others it's a lot. I also think some people find their partner more sexually attractive after they actually have sex with them. This. I do have a desire for sex for it's own sake, but won't ever want to fulfill that with some random stranger just to get sex. Firstly I'd have to find them physically attractive to ever consider it. At that point I can at least fantasize about sex with them. To actually go through with it I'd need a lot more. I know if I have sex it would cause emotional attachment to that person, so I first need to know they're the kind of person I'd want to be emotionally attached to. But this mechanic can work in reverse as well, emotional attachment can strengthen and outright cause sexual desire for that person. Link to post Share on other sites
MiniLo Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 I think finding someone sexually attractive means you would have sex with that person if all the other circumstances you regard as necessary for sexual activity exist. Uhhh for me that list would be a mile long and not feasible to actually put to the test (because fantasy is totally different from reality), so I just say that not getting any and not desiring any with anyone in real life seems about right*. *My default nature; my relationship with my husband seems to be a weird exception Link to post Share on other sites
Draconis76 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Any number of reasons. In my case: 1. I'm not 100% asexual, at the tippy point of the triangle. So they're going to want sex, just not at the same frequency/rate as more sexual people. The lack of sex isn't as much of a problem for these people as it is for others. 2. I really do/did want to try and please their partner. If their partner is low or moderately sexual, and there's not many other issues, it can work. 3. I was unaware of asexuality's existence, and if I don't like the same sex, by golly, I should be liking the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Skulls got me thinking about this (I miss you Skulls). Do people have sex because of sexual attraction or just because they want sex? I'm thinking its because they have an itch first and then find an agreeable other to scratch it. My friends seem to find their partners on the basis of them having a certain level of aesthetic attractiveness to them but mainly on personality. When they just want sex they care less about the personality and more on the person having some level of aesthetic attractiveness to them. Is this the norm for nonasexuals? I can't believe it took me this long to see this thread! I largely agree with Guzica that, when sex is wanted, it's kind of an abstract I want sex feeling. For me personally, this started occurring after I had MANY positive sexual experiences... so that (and this is all pulled directly out of my ass and not based on anything scientific), in my estimation, my brain linked pleasure with sex. My brain didn't like any specific person to that pleasure. I do find people sexually attractive, but my desire and willingness to have sex with them has nothing to do with them. In other words, there's no point in my life where "damn she's sexy" led to "damn I want to have sex with her". That has literally never happened. What happens the most is that I say "damn, I like you, let's hang out!" and eventually I get the "damn I want to have sex", so I look around and think "hey, let's mix sex with this awesome person I like"... and eventually my brain learns to connect that person to my sexual gratification, and that's how a sexual relationship is born in Skullery's world. Link to post Share on other sites
Pizza1 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I agree that different people have different reasons! Some people really do want that connection (and some people recquire a longer time of connection, while others don't ) and others just want the sex. Whatever floats their boats as long as they are honest with each other : D! Link to post Share on other sites
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